Finding Me (20 page)

As my fingers curl around the banister with the promise that I’ll just peek inside and not actually go in, my phone rings, making me nearly jump out of my skin.

My phone lights up with Danny’s face. A swift blow of reality settles in my stomach as I hesitantly reach for it, wondering if he somehow knows what I was about to do.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” His voice is deep and saturated with a resounding relief that makes me feel even guiltier. I’m not sure if the guilt’s intensifying because I’m standing in my ex’s house talking to a guy that I know has feelings for me, or because I’m talking to a guy that I know has feelings for me and am disappointed that it broke my conviction to do something that I know I shouldn’t have considered.

“How was the shower and time with everyone?”

I fall against the couch, leaning into its soft support, trying to summarize the shower so I don’t hint at being upset by my nieces’ reaction to me, or my mom’s complete lack of one. “It was good. Jenny really seemed to enjoy herself, and everyone had a good time.”

“Good, I’m glad. How’d everything go with your mom?”

“Um, it went fine.”

“Did you guys talk?”

“No, not exactly.”

“H, that’s not fine.”

“It wasn’t really the right time or place. We were there to celebrate Jenny, and there was a ton of people. It would have been really awkward to have tried to discuss things,” I reason.

“You know my mom loves you like a fourth daughter. If you need someone else to talk to or just some support, she’d love for you to reach out to her.”

I nod a few times, feeling a new wave of guilt when I consider it, and a number of emotions pass through me at the thought of replacing Sharon, and more prominently, my own mom. “I know, I love your mom too, but right now I just need some time with things. Let them work themselves out. You know?”

“Generally if something is strained or injured, it requires special attention. Like a physical muscle or bone, sometimes they need a cast and time to heal, but afterwards they need physical therapy and strength building.”

“Are you seriously speaking metaphorically to me using your muscles?”

Danny’s laughter greets me, making my lips turn up in response. “God, when are you coming home?”

I feel my smile fade at his words. Home has felt like the most confounding word in the English dictionary since I arrived Friday. Being back in San Diego, I’m enjoying my time with my sisters and friends. I love seeing the Pacific Ocean and her familiar white peaks dotted with surfers. I love the taco trucks—that hands down make better food than any of the Mexican restaurants I’ve tried in Delaware—and the heat from the sidewalk long after the sun has fallen into the ocean. But more than anything, I’ve missed the heavy pull that I feel when I’m here that I don’t know if I somehow forgot, or just never took note of since I haven’t ever been away for so long.

Yet, it has been in Delaware that I’ve been able to begin shedding old fears and habits that have prevented me from being able to fully discover who I am and what I want to do in life. I’ve built new friendships and have been less concerned with walking on eggshells to always ensure that everyone likes me and doing what is expected of me because there, no one expects anything from me. I’m not Ace Bosse, youngest sister in a line of beautiful sisters and daughter to an overachieving philanthropist. I’m not the high school soccer star that had so much potential no one understands why I didn’t continue or the girl who couldn’t decide on a major. I’m also not the girl that everyone knows was really close to her father, who unexpectedly died on May 5, and with it sent me on a downward tailspin. I’m just me. No expectations, no shoes to fill, just Harper.

“H?”

“Sorry.” My thoughts stammer as I work to recall his question. “Thirteen more days.”

“It already feels like you’ve been gone for months.”

“Vinny needs to kick up your workouts, then.”

Danny’s laughter fills the line again, and I can picture his blue eyes dancing with mischief by the tone. “I don’t think Vinny’s going to be able to tire me out enough at this point. I’m pretty sure there’s only one way that I’m going to get a satisfied exhaustion these days.” As soon as his last word fills my head with his insinuation, I hear Vinny’s distinct, gravelly voice yelling for Danny to get off the phone.

“But he sure as hell is going to try,” Danny mutters.

“Tell them all hello for me.”

“They’re all wondering where you are too. Yesterday Frank even showed up with a coffee for you.”

“It will go by really fast. Less than two weeks.”

“No, remember, I’ll be travelling the last week, otherwise I’d be at your sister’s wedding with you. I won’t be back until the Thursday after you return.”

“Don’t worry, Danny, it’s still going to go by fast. You need to stay focused so that everything goes well against The Canary. What were you telling me? Extra training and attention to strained and broken areas?”

“Yeah, yeah.” His tone is light, making my smile return. “What are you going to do today?”

“I don’t know,” I reply, guiltily eyeing the stairs. “The others aren’t off until next week, but I might see if my oldest sister is home.”

“Mindi?”

“Yeah.”

“That’ll be nice. Soak up some Vitamin D and spend some time with three of your nieces.”

This isn’t the first time the fact that I’ve shared more than I’m aware of with Danny startles me. He listens to everything I say, storing nearly all of my words into his memory. If I asked right now, he’d likely be able to recite my class schedule and what I drank the first night we met at the bar. It had made my skin bristle the first time he had mentioned a detail that seemed too insignificant to be remembered, until I realized that’s just how Danny is. Since, I’ve been working to ignore how much I like it or the possible reasons behind it.

His voice is distorted and broken as he covers the receiver to talk to someone else, likely Vinny.

A quiet rush of his breath tells me that his hand has moved and he’s about to deliver a goodbye to me. “I’m sorry, H, we’re late this morning. I just wanted to make sure that I got a chance to talk to you. I’ve been going a little crazy wondering how things are.”

“Thanks, Danny, I appreciate it. Tell the guys hi for me.”

“Will do. Bye, babe.”

“Bye, Danny.”

I hang up, releasing my own rush of breath as my head buries further into the couch. Instead of calling Mindi, I turn on the TV to occupy the multitude of emotions swirling through me, demanding to be recognized and observed.

My phone primarily lives on silent mode since I spend so much time in class and at the lab. Generally, the only sound it ever emits is the quiet pulsation when I turn it to vibrate at night. I reason that’s why the sound of it ringing an obnoxious, manufacturer set tone makes me jump mid-thought.

I glance at the screen and see Mindi’s scowling face on my screen. I had taken the picture a few years ago, yet it still gives me the satisfaction of a smile when I see it, likely because she would probably shave my head in my sleep if she knew that I had taken the picture, let alone kept it and set it as her ring tone.

“Hey, Min.”

“Hey, what are you doing?”

I open my mouth to reply and pause, hearing “Emily stop! Jade, help your sister. I know she made the mess, but I’m asking you to help her clean it … because you’re sisters … the same reason she helps you clean up messes … and because you love each other. Jade … Jade … Because I said so!” Mindi continues, leading my eyes to dart back to the TV.

“Sorry.”

“That’s okay,” I say with a smile. She insists on talking on the phone, something that I’m still trying to discover the reason for, because she only ever spends about thirty percent of our calls talking to me.

“So, what did you say you’re doing today?” Mindi asks again.

“Right now I’m realizing not signing up—”

“Emily, she’s helping you! Don’t throw things at her!”

“…for cable since I moved was a really wise investment,” I finish even though she’s still yelling at my nieces.

“Sorry, tell me again?”

“I’m doing nothing.”

“Oh good. Want to come over?”

“Yeah, I’d love to!”

“Great. I’ll be there in like an hour to get you.”

“Sounds good, I’ll see you guys then.”

I finish the show that I’m currently watching, only ever half present to the drama-filled sitcom as I think about if I should reach out to anyone else while I’m here.

I know I have more time to sit around and veg if I want; Mindi’s hour is guaranteed to be at least two. Long before kids she was perpetually late, but I get up, shower, and dress so that I’m ready.

Surprised at the fact that Mindi is thirty minutes earlier than I expect her, I grab my purse from the floor and toss my phone inside as I cross the slick floor. I pull the front door open with a smile that catches when I see the girl in front of me isn’t my oldest sister.
Please, please, please say you’re looking for Landon. Please!

I notice her eyes are nearly gray before they narrow. She’s assessing me, and she isn’t being discreet about it. I try to act unaffected by it, squaring my shoulders and lifting my chin a bit higher. She’s shorter than I am and has glossy, dark brown hair that I, along with probably every other girl is jealous over its sheen and thickness. Apparently she sees the unease, or envy in my eyes, because hers grow as her head tilts to the side. She’s beautiful. Her makeup is perfect. Her hair is perfect. Her olive-toned skin that is dusted with the hint of freckles is perfect. Even her body is perfectly thin while still having a really large chest that I can’t look to see if they look real because her eyes are locked on mine knowingly.

“Mind if I come in?” Her tone says move and I know without a doubt she isn’t here for Landon. The few girls that I ever met that he’s dated were overly polite and nice. Too nice. To the point I had felt annoyed about insignificant details because they had been too cheery about them.

I move to the side of the door, keeping my eyes on hers as she follows me inside, leaving the door open beside us. “Everyone’s at work,” I tell her.

“Max is tutoring someone this early?”

It’s the first time that I’ve heard his name, and it stings that it’s from her mouth, confirming what I already knew. She fits his type too well.

I shrug, trying my best to look nonchalant. “I’m not sure where he is.”
What in the hell is he doing tutoring? He’s a first year med student. How does he have the time? And who’s he going to tutor? And since when does Max need the pocket change that time-extensive tutoring provides?

“When did he leave?” she presses.

“Last week sometime?”

Her eyes flare, providing me with a small amount of comfort before they turn to the living room where my things are stacked in the corner and my blanket and pillow are folded at the far end of the couch. Her eyes meet mine again and I keep the same undeterred expression on my face. “You’re living here?”

“Visiting.”

“Who?”

“My family.” I should put her out of her misery and tell her, but if she can’t see that I’m Kendall’s sister, she’s doesn’t deserve the concession.

Her eyes narrow again, drawing my attention to how long her false lashes are. “How long are you here visiting?”

“A while.”

The sound of a car engine has us both turning to the driveway where Mindi’s minivan has pulled up along the brunette’s bright red car. The sun reflects too brightly off the windshield for me to clearly see Mindi’s face, but her door opens nearly instantly. Her expression is mostly obscured by her sunglasses but her full smile is present, and I can tell instantly that it’s too tight to be genuine.

“Hey!” she calls, hurrying toward us.

“The East Coast sister,” the brunette says with a nod. “Got it. Well, I’ll see you around, then.” She doesn’t look at me again before crossing by Mindi without returning her smile and climbing into her car.

“Who was that?” Mindi asks, keeping her attention on me rather than the car reversing too fast into the street.

“I thought you knew. She seemed to know who you were. You looked a little concerned when you pulled up.”

“That’s because you looked upset.”

“How could you see my face from the driveway?”

“I couldn’t really, but your posture matched hers. You guys looked like you were going to attack each other.”

“We did not,” I reply, rolling my eyes as my shoulders fall slightly with the tension of the brunette being gone.

“So who was she?”

“I don’t know. She didn’t tell me her name. She was looking for Max.” I’m sure Mindi’s eyes and mouth are wide with surprise, but I slide past her and the front door, dropping the extra key Kendall gave me in her hand so I don’t have to see it.

Mindi is thankfully either too stunned, or like me, is still trying to process who this girl is and doesn’t mention her, or anything about the situation as we inch through the busy Monday morning traffic on the interstate to her house.