Finding Peace (Finding Series Book 1) (2 page)

This is a loss that is hard for me to relive. Maybe even the reason that I feel that every man will leave me. Losing him the way I did was like experiencing a death. He was the one who did everything with me and for me. Loving him was easy, we connected naturally. Although I loved my mom, if my dad was there I was by his side. Always being daddy’s girl.

I was his little princess and he was my king. The man that would never let me down and always protect me. He was the type of dad that would have tea parties with me, play dress up, and let me do his hair up in my hair barrettes. This rough and tough military man was always a teddy bear with me. I miss the closeness that we had. Hopefully, one day we can have it again or at least some semblance of it. Wanting my future children to have him be active in their lives, is something that I long for.

My grandmother was my saving grace and is the reason I am who I am today. She was a God fearing woman who taught me right from wrong. Teaching me to be a moral person, and that in all that we do, we should always follow God. This woman was there for me when I felt abandoned by everyone. Holding me when I cried, helping me through my fears, and nursing me when I was sick. She wasn’t the one who adopted me, that’s not a choice she made, but when those that had made that choice, couldn’t do it anymore, she was the one who was there.

Kayla

ELEVEN YEARS LATER

Spring 1989

I love my grandparents dearly and I’m so grateful to them. I asked them if I could move to live with my mother in Florida when I was fourteen. She has been clean and sober for many years now and I desperately wanted to get to know her. She got married to a wonderful man and has her life completely together. I’m so proud of her and I’m thankful that she is finally happy again. She has come a long way.

My grandparents were reluctant, but after doing some investigating, they agreed to let me go. I had been living with her for two years when my grandparents informed me that my father had finally retired from the military. He asked them to allow me to come and stay with him, if I was in agreement.

So, I’m living in North Carolina once again to finally reconnect with my dad. I love this state. You get the best of both worlds. You can go to the mountains or to the beach. Who wouldn’t love that? I didn’t know anyone and hated to be transferring high schools, but I felt getting to know my dad again was more important.

My dad also remarried and I now have a step-mom, Anne, and a step-brother, Nick, that I barely know. My dad is military through and through. He’s tough as nails and set in his ways. We immediately begin to bump heads.

When I met and started dating David Delany my dad flipped. That might have had something to do with the fact that David was twenty and I had just turned sixteen. David wasn’t the type of guy my dad thought that I should be with. That, just made me want to be with him even more. Dad was hardly ever around when I was growing up. I understood it was his job, but the close relationship we once had was gone. He was always distant with me and I never understood it.

I met David through a girl at school. In an attempt to make friends, I talked to the first people who talked to me. Even I know he wasn’t the best choice for a boyfriend. I just felt so alone.

“What do you say? You want to go out tonight? Come on we haven’t been anywhere in forever.”

Tessa speaking took me out of my trance.

Tessa Brooks is my best friend. Actually, she is more like my sister. I met Tessa my sophomore year.

Tessa’s outgoing personality made her easy to get to know. She is wild and crazy, while I’m shy and quiet. We complement each other well. She brings me out of my shell and I help ground her. I have always wished I could be more like her.

It was during my senior year that her family saved me. My father and I had a huge disagreement. My father couldn't understand my decision to stay with David. According to him, I was free to move on now. I thought that was just a cruel way to look at the situation. Of course, I was still dealing with my grief at the time. After not following his rules and doing exactly what he wanted me to do, he told me I needed to find somewhere else to live. All of this happened just a few months into my senior year. I don’t think my father thought I would actually leave, but I am stubborn just like him. Tessa’s family took me in and loved me as one of their own.

Troy and Lisa Brooks are some of the best people I know. When I moved in with them, Tessa and I shared a bedroom. Of course, we didn’t mind at all. However, the Brooks’ were building a house on Badin Lake in North Carolina and Tessa and I were very excited about moving there. The only thing we were concerned about was the forty minute commute to school one way. The Brooks have money, but you would never know it by talking to them. They are down-to-earth and are always willing to help anyone in need. I have always respected and admired them.

“Tessa, I don’t know. I honestly don’t feel like doing anything, but David will be here soon to pick me up and you know he will be pissed if I cancel on him again. He’ll end up showing up here in the middle of the night and then what will your dad say?”

By the time I met Tessa, I had already been in a relationship with David for a few months. We’ve now been together for two years. He has no goals in life right now, unless you count partying. We became engaged last year. Things were great at first, but, as of late, I’m trying to escape him on a daily basis. It seems all he wants to do is smoke pot and drink. How did I get myself into this? I swore I would never go down this road; never date this type of guy. I’ve started to realize that David has nothing in common with my current friends, the ones I actually want to be associated with. I’m wishing at this point that he will just break it off because even though I know it’s what I want, I don’t know how to walk away. No, that's not exactly true, I just don't like to hurt people.

“Damn, Kayla. It’s beyond me why the hell you’re still with that loser. Look, you’ve gotta get rid of this guy. You don’t want to be with him, so just tell him.”

“I’ve tried. Trust me. He just drives away and then calls and gives me this whole sob story about how he’s going to kill himself because he can’t live without me.”

Tessa being Tessa says “So, tell him to go ahead. Heck, if he wants to be that stupid let him. Besides, you know he is all talk. Quit feeling sorry for him and cut him loose.”

Deep down I know she is right. We’ve just been through so much and honestly, I’m not that confident. I have very low self-esteem, I don’t know why really. Truthfully, a psychiatrist would probably have a field day with me. I’m always trying to please everyone and keep the peace because of this. It just kills me if someone doesn’t like me. People pleaser number one here, yup, that’s me.

“I can’t go, Tessa. Not tonight.”

“Fine, it’s your loss then. I just hope that one day you will see that he is playing you.”

“I just can’t hurt him like that. You know what we have been through.”

Even as I say that to her, I have to be honest with myself if no one else. The thought of seeing him or him touching me makes me physically sick.

“Kayla, I know, but are you going to stand before God and promise to be with him for the rest of your life when you can’t stand for him to even touch you anymore? You have to quit trying to please everyone else and start thinking about what you want.”

Tessa sighs and leaves me standing alone in the bedroom we share.

Why can’t I just tell him it’s over? I start to get ready because I’m sure David will be here soon. I have a sick feeling in the pit my stomach. At this point I’m not even sure I like him much less love him. I need to escape from here if only for a little while. Maybe once we move to the lake house I won’t see him as much and he will decide to move on. A girl can always dream.

I hear a knock at the door downstairs, followed by Lisa calling my name.

“Kayla. Kayla, honey, are you ready? David is here to pick you up.”

“I’ll be right down.” As I call from the top of the stairs, I dread each step that takes me closer to another night I just don't want to be a part of. When I reach the bottom step, there he stands, smiling at me. Giving him a small, fake smile, I do believe he really loves me. So how can I be so cruel? He hasn’t really done anything wrong. I’m afraid to look at the situation too closely because if I do, I may have to face the fact that what happened may have been God’s way of telling me this is not who I am meant to be with. Would that also mean that I should be grateful because if things had turned out differently, I would most definitely be stuck with this man for the rest of my life?

David walks over and gives me a kiss on the cheek and says “Hey, you look beautiful.”

I cringe not only from the kiss that he gave me, but from the distinct smell of pot on his clothes and it’s overwhelming. Lisa and Troy would never approve of me dating anyone that did any kind of drugs. Let’s not even talk about that fact that I’m engaged to someone who does them. I have told David not to smoke before he comes to their house. If I get kicked out of the Brooks’ home, I won’t have anywhere to live.

“Thank you.” I walk around him and quickly head for the door. He follows me closely and I smack into him when I turn back to tell Lisa bye. I roll my eyes. Then look around him, so that I can see Lisa. “I won’t be late. We are just going to get some food.”

“That’s fine, dear. Just make sure you are home by ten. It’s a school night.” Lisa walks over and kisses me lightly on the cheek.

She is a beautiful woman with short, platinum blonde hair and light blue eyes. She reminds me of a pixie. Such a soft spoken-woman of God. She is kind and madly in love with her husband. That is the type of love I’m looking for; she and Troy are perfect together. They say and do the sweetest things for one another. It’s very apparent to anyone who sees them together that they will be together forever.

“I’m sure I’ll be back before ten o’clock.” We walk out the door and he tries to wrap me up in a hug but I move away. “You stink, David. I’ve told you not to smoke before you come over here.”

“Really, Kayla? I can’t even get a hug. Don’t worry about them. They are clueless. Besides, you’re not going to be here much longer. We’ll be married and you’ll be living with me.”

“Sure, David. Living with you where? You don’t have money for a place and I definitely don’t have any money.” I open the door to his car and get in and slam it shut. David stands by my door for a minute just looking at me through the passenger side window. He shakes his head and walks around the car to get in.

David is attractive. He has dirty, blonde hair and blue eyes. The pot he smokes on a regular basis keeps them from being a bright blue, though, and the whites of his eyes are always red. He’s tall, over six feet, which means he towers over my five foot one inch frame.

He slides into the driver’s seat and just stares at me. “What is your problem? I swear you have completely changed since you started hanging out and living with Tessa. I really don’t understand what I’ve done. Don’t be like this. You know I’m working on getting us a place to live.”

“Look, I don’t want to talk about this again. Just drive to the restaurant and get some food so I can get back home.”

“Your attitude is really scaring me. I love you, Kayla. You know that, don’t you?”

“I know you do. Can we just not argue about this again? You’re living at your buddy’s house and sleeping on his couch because your mom kicked you out of the house again. I don’t blame her. You won’t even cut the grass when she asks you to. David, you have got to get your life together. Life is about more than staying high all the time.”

David lets out a frustrated breath and starts the car, then pulls onto the road to head toward town. David was in a terrible skiing accident before I met him. His back was injured and he still has issues with it. I’m sure it does bother him, but sometimes I think he uses it to get out of having to do stuff.

He drives a brand new Ford Mustang GT that he bought with the settlement money he received from the ski resort. I’m not sure why the resort had to pay him money. I’m assuming they were at fault somehow. He also bought me a used Honda Civic so that I would have a car to get back and forth to school in. David continues to be good to me, which makes it even harder for me to justify, how I feel about him. He’s never treated me badly and he would do anything for me. I don’t know. Something has changed for me. My love for him turned more into the kind of love you’d have for a brother and I think because I have let it go on as long as it has, I’m beginning to not like him at all. What am I going to do?

Kayla

David pulls into the parking lot of a local family owned Italian restaurant. It’s a quaint little place called
La Bella Trattoria
which means ‘The beautiful restaurant’. It’s owned by wonderful people that treat you like family.

David and I exit the car and make our way toward the front door. He holds the door open and waits for me to walk through it. He follows me in putting his hand on my lower back to guide me to our favorite booth. My body stiffens at his touch causing him to lower his hand. We sit in the booth across from each other.