Finding Solace (14 page)

 
"Of
course you would say that. You’re already fucking Colt, so I wouldn't be so
judgmental about that pool you’re included in. But I totally agree about Jeff.
He is ugly. No wonder she didn't want to tell me." We both laughed
hysterically, until....

 
"So I
have bad taste, huh?"

 
Oh shit!
Megan was standing there behind Heather and I didn’t see her.

 
"Well,
you guys can make fun of me all you want, but at least Jeff is only with me.
Sadie, if you think you’re special, you’re wrong. Colt tells a girl whatever
she wants to hear, if it means he gets to fuck her. Remember that when he's
whispering in your ear next time, okay?”

 
And then she
was gone. I looked over at Heather and she had a blank expression on her face
like she was waiting for me to freak out. But she didn’t expect what came next
for sure.

 
"
Hahahahahaha
, oh my God!
That was fucking crazy! I feel awful for making fun of Jeff but did she
seriously try to hurt me on purpose? Nice try, but I'm using Colt just as much
as he is using me. Heather, we need a couple more shots to move past that one,
what do you think?"

 
"I'm
totally in. Hey Bryan, we need your services over here."

 
However many
shots it took to get me to twenty one later, I was trashed with a capital T.
Heather wasn’t much better off. The bar had closed a while ago but according to
the guys, we were not allowed to leave until they cleaned up and got us home
safe. That was fine by me. Heather stayed on a barstool where she could lay her
head down on the bar and pass out. I wasn’t ready to call it a night quite yet.
The music was still on, which meant I was still dancing, if you can still call
it that when you have no balance. I didn’t care though. I was in my element of
numb. What a crazy, fun night it ended up being. Eventually I felt arms wrap
around me from behind and a smell I could identify in my sleep crept up my
nose.

 
"
Hmmmm
, you still smell absolutely amazing. It reminds me of
when you’re cuddled up next to me after sex. It’s my favorite smell in the
world. You know that, Sadie?"

 
"Oh, really?"

 
"Don't
question that. There's a lot you can, but not that. So, did you have a good
birthday, beautiful?" He continued to rock with my body as he spoke in
that deep rasp only he could pull off.

 
"It was
the best birthday ever! I wish you could have been more a part of it but I
understand you had to work."

 
"I
couldn't agree more. That's why you are coming home with me. The night’s not
over yet, baby girl."

 
"I'm
not a baby and more, I'm a woman, and who says this woman wants to go home with
you?"
Even though my insides are screaming, "me."

 
"Well
then, listen here, woman. I've had to sit back and watch every dick head here
tonight talk to you, touch you, dance with you. Eyeball you like they are going
to fuck you. It is my turn. I need you, Sadie. It’s past want. Please, come
home with me. I'm not asking for sex. I just need you tonight. Please."

 
I turned
around to face him. I wanted to confront him about all the girls I had to see,
and hear tonight. All the awful things Megan said to me. But what good would it
do? He is who he is. And I think I am falling in love with him. How fucked up
is that?

 
"Sure.
I will come home with you."

 
"Let’s
get the hell out of here then, beautiful."

CHAPTER
17

 
Colt
drove us to his house and like he promised, he wasn't attacking
me,
he was taking care of me. Getting up all those stairs
was not the easiest task, but once we enter the apartment it just felt safe,
like home. First things first, the zipper on the back of my dress was being
pulled down. I had to get that thing off.

 
"I've
wanted to do this all night. I don't think you have any idea what you do to me,
Sadie."

 
I was now
standing in front of him in my black lace panties and shoes only.

 
"I
think I actually do, Colt, I can see it in your pants." There was no way I
could not change this serious moment into a funny one. I was too drunk for
serious. I started to laugh, but that just caused me to lose my balance. Colt
reached out to catch me by reflex and only then did it register to both of us
that he was holding me naked. As I righted my balance, I found myself looking
up and we just stared into each other’s eyes. That moment alone could have
lasted my whole life. Megan was wrong. I didn’t have to be there while he was
with those other girls to know that he didn’t look at them the way he looked at
me. We drown in each other. We always have.

 
"Sadie,
I wish you could know what you do to me. I'm trying my hardest to hold back,
girl, but I am falling so hard for you. Tell me how to fix this. Tell me what
I'm supposed to do now and I'll do it. I just need this to go away. I'm not
ready for this and you don't want me the way that I am right now."

 
"Colt,
I want you any way I can have you, haven't you figured that out yet?" I
grabbed his face and crushed my lips to his. He was always trying to fix me and
I was slowly starting to see that he was just as broken.
My
poor, broken man.
I would like to tell you that we had the craziest sex
you could ever possibly imagine, but what we had was way more pure. I truly
believe we were just two lost souls trying to find some clarity in our own
reality.

 
I woke up
the next morning because my phone was going off like crazy with notifications.
I sat up and grabbed it to find mostly it was just everybody texting me that
they had a great time, but the one that stood out was from Susan, from work,
telling me that she took care of all my clients today so that I could recoup.
That chick was something awesome. I set the phone back down on the nightstand
and
laid
back down in bed. Colt instinctively wrapped
his arms back around me and pulled me to him. It was a couple hours later when
we finally decided to wake up. I rolled over so that I could look in his
direction. But the first thing that came out of his mouth shocked me to the
core.

 
"What
happened between you and James?"

 
"What?
Why?"

 
“I'm just
trying to understand the complexity behind ‘Who is Sadie’. If it's too hard to
talk about it, we don't have to."

 
I attempted
to roll back over so that I didn’t have to face him, but he would not allow it.

 
"Hey
there, where are you going? Don't ever feel like you have to run from me. I
will always be here to protect you, never will I hurt you."

 
I didn't
know how to respond. I knew what he was saying was true, I just wasn't sure I
wanted to go there yet. At some point I knew talking about it would make it
easier to move past it. Colt had not judged me yet. There was a chance he might
not now, but it was slim.

 
"Colt,
honestly, it was a really fucked up time in my life." I looked at the wall
as I began to tell him the story. I could not see any judgment from him, it
would crush me. "I met James my freshman year in high school. If you
haven't already been able to tell, I tend to surround myself more with guys
than I do girls. Girls have always come across more caddy to me than boys ever
have. Anyways, he and I became instant best friends. We did everything together
and I trusted him with my life. One day, in the beginning of our sophomore
year, he kissed me. Neither of us knew how to act around each other for at least
a week after that. But then he kissed me again and it felt so perfect. We
decided we would try to start dating, but promised we would never lose our
friendship. It was a full year after that that we decided it was time to move
forward with our relationship. Sex was inevitable. I was scared to death. My
biggest fear wasn't the one you'd think it was though. Too many girls had said
that the pain just lasted for a second. My fear was about respect, I didn't
want him to lose his for me. The day finally came that it happened. After we
were finished, he got up and went to the bathroom to throw away the condom, it
was the look he had on his face when he came back into the room that will haunt
me forever. I asked him what was the
matter?
His
response was ‘I'm sorry. But I did lose respect for you. You can go now.’ I've
never ran so fast and I don't think I'll ever cry as hard as I did in my life
again."

 
"Sadie,
that is so fucked up! No guy should ever say that to a girl, ever!"

 
"But
Colt, you have to let me finish so that you understand. It’s not that he lost
his respect in
me,
it's that he knew that by saying
that, it would hurt me. He knew my biggest fear and he used it against me. He
did that again and again throughout our entire relationship. One time, he was mad
and I honestly believe all he was doing was talking with his hands, but one
hand came too close to me and I flinched instinctively. The look of shock on
his face, to see me scared, he vowed he would never hurt me. But the next
argument we got into, several weeks later, he grabbed me so hard and shook me
that I broke up with him. He cried. Telling me it would never happen again.
That if he couldn't have me as his girlfriend, he needed to keep his best
friend. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt. People can change if they
really want to, right? So that's where the vicious cycle started, but it only
got worse. He would be great for a short time period and then it would all
start over again. I never stayed. It wasn’t as if I said, ‘Oh that felt good’ when
he would hit me and then say ‘please do it again’. I always left. But somehow,
he pulled me back in with promises that were so empty. He was always smart
about where the bruises were. No one knew about what really was happening. To
the outside world, we were the perfect couple. We were fucking prom king and
queen, for Christ’s sake. I found out he cheated on me and still forgave him.
Who the fuck does that, Colt? James called me every name in the book. I was so
convinced that he was just saying those things because he was mad, not because
he meant them. All of it set in though. My self-esteem went to shit. I pulled
away from everyone that was close to me. He told me no one would ever love me
like he could. That no one else would want me. He became my world. One day it
all came to a head when his mom came home and heard us. I was screaming and
crying for him to stop, but he wouldn't. She ran in to his room and grabbed him,
but not soon enough. I had been lying on the bed, so the punch intended for my
stomach hit me in the face because I moved when I saw his mom. He broke my
nose. She screamed for me to run and that's exactly what I did. When I got home
my mom was waiting in the driveway. That day everything ended. My secret came
out and I couldn't hide behind it anymore. His mom had called mine and told her
everything she saw. She even said if we wanted to press charges she would back
us against him. She swore she didn't raise him to be like that. I didn't want
to live that nightmare any more than I had already and because we had already
graduated, I could just move on without having to involve the police. And that
brings us to the person in front of you. You wanted to know the complexities of
me, there you go."

 
I stood up
and walked out of the room before he had a chance to process his response. I
went into the bathroom and closed the door. I put the toilet lid down and sat
on it, putting my face in my hands and rocked back and forth. What do I do now?
A knock was heard from the door before it opened. Colt came to stand in front
of me, but then crouched down to be at eye level.

 
"Sadie,
please look at me."

 
I couldn't.
I couldn't even stop rocking. I was having a full blown panic attack. Colt’s
hands gently came to rest on my arms, slowing my movement, but not restricting
me. It was as if he knew just how to treat me right then.

 
"Okay, so
if you can't look at me, try to just listen, okay? Sadie, it’s not your fault.
It never was. I understand why you feel like it is, but it's not. You loved a
broken man. He didn't know how to treat you. He was probably scared to lose you,
so he controlled the situation the best that he knew how. You saw the best in
him, not the worst, and beautiful, that is a quality you should never change. I
envy your strength. You came from all that to be the most amazing woman I have
ever had the chance to encounter. Please don't hide that pretty face from me
anymore. I need to see it. Please Sadie, let me look at you."

 
I lifted my
head and came to rest my swollen eyes on his. He brought his hands to my face
and used his thumbs to wipe the tears that were falling from my eyes.