Finding Strength (5 page)

After my shower, Jacob went and got ready. And now here we are at one of our favorite local restaurants. When the waitress arrives to take our drink order, Amy speaks up before anyone can place their order.

“The guys will have a beer, and Anna and I will have a virgin strawberry daiquiri, please.”

I look at Amy and raise my eyebrow, wondering what she is doing. She sees my questioning look and her lips turn up into a grin that quickly spreads into her beautiful smile.

“What is going on, Amy?” I ask her.

“Can we wait on the drinks to arrive?” she ask. I shrug my shoulder, still confused, and my mind is trying to come up with what she has planned. When the drinks arrive, the waitress takes our food order. After she has left the table, Jacob picks up his beer and brings it to his lips. Before he can take a drink, Amy stops him.

“Okay Amy, now I know something is up with you. What’s going on?” I ask my lifelong friend. Amy’s cheeks turn a light shade of pink as she looks to Shane. I see him give her a slight nod. My stomach knots up, anxious to hear whatever news she wants to tell us.

“Anna, Jacob, you guys are our best friends. We wanted to tell you first that we think you will make a wonderful aunt and uncle.” Amy says, her eyes moving from mine to Jacob’s.

“Aunt?” I ask, disbelieving what I just heard.

“That’s right. You guys are going to be an aunt and an uncle,” Shane says. His smile is gleaming, showing his pride.

“Congratulations, man!” Jacob says, reaching out and taking Shane’s hand in a firm handshake.

Of course, I have to squeal like the girl I am and jump up to run around to the other side of the table where Amy is sitting to give her a hug. Happy tears fill my eyes as I wrap my arms around Amy. I am so happy for her. She and Shane have wanted a baby for a while now, but the timing never seemed right for them.

"I can’t believe it, Amy! I am so happy for you. When did you find out?” I ask, pulling back from her.

“We found out last week.”

“And you are just now telling me? You little sneak! How far along are you?”

“Only eight weeks. Trust me, I was completely shocked. You know how messed up visits from aunt Flo are, and the fact we were not even trying, this really caught me off guard,” she tells me.

“You are happy about it though, right?” I ask, concern for her evident in my voice.

“Oh, yes. Very much so.” The brightest smile I have seen from her, breaks across her face. Lighting up her eyes is the happiness she exudes.

Throughout dinner, we talk about Braxton’s party and her new little bundle that’s coming. We enjoyed the night with our friends. After dinner, we went home, while Shane and Amy decided to take in a movie. Not long after we arrived, Braxton fell asleep and we put him to bed.

Standing over his crib, I study his features. How relaxed he is, and how much he looks like his daddy. It’s in these quiet moments, I miss Lindsey the most. My heart hurts for the things that she is missing. How much she would have loved being the big sister. How she is missing having someone as wonderful as Jacob in her life. My heart breaks for Braxton, also. H
e
will only know his sister through pictures, and through my memories of her.

Laying in bed, curled into Jacob’s side, I say a silent prayer of thanks for what I do have. I even say a thank you for the two years I was graced with Lindsey’s presence. I constantly have to remind myself that she is with me, even if only in spirit. That has to be enough. I let my mind drift to Braxton’s upcoming birthday party, and how Amy went all out, no holds barred, to make sure that he has the best of everything. I smile, knowing that her baby will be just as spoiled and loved by all of us. Finally, I am able to drift off to sleep just as a peace settles over me.

May 14
th
, 2006

It’s the morning of Braxton’s birthday party. I cannot believe how fast the past year has gone by. There is a whirlwind of activity going on, not only in the house, but outside as well. Jacob and Shane are setting up games for the older kids who will be coming over, Amy and I are in the kitchen doing last minute preparations and getting the food ready for the grill. We have about an hour before the party starts so the rush is on. Amy had some of those bouncy things the kids like to jump in brought over and set up in the backyard as well. There is even a smaller one just for the little kids, like Braxton.

Once the guest start arriving, I quickly change Braxton and head out back with everyone else. Shane has put the coolers of drinks out back, and the food is on the grill, emitting a smell so delicious that my stomach growls in response. Jacob walks over to where I am standing with Braxton, kisses me once on the lips, then takes Braxton into his arms.

“Come on birthday boy, let’s go have some fun,” he says, turning and taking Braxton over to one of the bouncy houses. They disappear inside and within seconds, I can hear the laughter of both of my boys.

“Hey, what are you doing over here all by yourself?” Amy asks me.

“Well I wasn’t by myself, I had Braxton until Jacob decided he wanted to go jump. I think he used Braxton as an excuse to be able to get in that thing,” I say, laughing. Amy laughs with me, looking around the backyard at all of the guest.

“Where did Shane go? And who’s watching the grill?” she ask, still scanning the yard. I look around as well, not seeing Shane at all, that is until he falls out of the bouncy house landing on his back with a thud. I can’t help the laugh that escapes me. Amy notices Shane laid out in the yard. With her hands on her hips, Amy stomps over to where Shane is laying in the grass, yelling the whole way.

“Shane, what on earth do you think you are doing? You’re going to burn the burgers!” Shane only laughs harder, and so do I.

I decide that I better check on the food, since the guys are proving our ‘boys will be boys’ theory. As I am flipping the burgers, Shane and Jacob make their way back to the grill. I take Braxton from Jacob. Amy and
I
take a seat in the chaise lounge chairs on the patio. Braxton doesn’t want to sit, so I help him stand next to the chair. As Amy is talking to him, he takes his first step to her, letting go of my hand. He keeps going all the way to her, which is only about five steps away. I shout for Jacob, who had already turned around and witnessed his son’s first steps. We all cheer for Braxton and he smiles and laughs. This day couldn’t be any better.

After the party is over, Amy and Shane stay and we get everything cleaned up. Braxton wore himself out from all of the fun. Amy put him to bed with the excuse that she needs practice. He got so many new toys and clothes, we may just have to build an addition onto the house to store it all in. Once everything is back in order, I make some coffee and we all spend the rest of the evening enjoying the peace and quiet.

Lying in bed, Jacob pulls me to him, kissing me lightly on my neck. The butterflies that always come to life when he touches me are in full force as well as the tingling of my nerves, making me feel as if I have been charged with an electric shock of nothing but unbridled passion. I pull Jacob even closer to me, leaving no space between us. The feel of him against me heats my skin to a blazing inferno. Flames kiss every inch of skin where he touches. There is no better feeling than this, other than when our bodies connect and we become one. One mind, one heart, one soul, climbing higher and higher to the utmost peak of passion, falling willingly over the edge together.

Chapter Eight

Present Day

I stop for a minute and take a breath. The next part of my journey isn’t pretty and reliving it isn’t any easier today than it was that day several years ago. Amy notices my hesitation and sets the pen and notepad down.

“You don’t have to do this, Anna,” she says, concerned, she reaches over and takes my hand.

“I have to, Amy. I can’t leave out the parts that hurt. There’s a reason and a purpose for everything, even if we don’t know what either of them are. I believe that.” I have never been more determined about something before. I have to tell this part and Amy knows it.

Resigned, Amy let’s go of my hand, picking up the pen and notepad once again.

“Take your time, when you’re ready, I’m ready.”

I wait a few more minutes before I begin.              

              July 28
th
, 2006

I was already awake and up when Jacob left for work this morning. That is unusual for me since h
e
leaves at six in the morning. I made him some breakfast and watched as he backed out of the driveway. I kept watching until I could no longer see his truck before I closed the door. I took my coffee into the living room and curled up with my kindle until Braxton woke up.

I made Braxton’s breakfast, got him fed, and he is now playing in the floor with his new toys. I straighten up the house while he entertains himself, peeking in every five minutes on him just to make sure he hasn’t stuck something up his nose or gotten into something he shouldn’t have. As I am loading the last of the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher, I get this uneasy feeling in my chest. It’s like I have a weight pressing down on me, not allowing me to take in a deep breath. I chalk it up to getting up so early this morning, and finish up the dishes.

An hour later, the feeling of dread that has been hanging tightly to my insides, increases. Braxton is laying down for a nap, so I make my way to his room to check on him. Something isn’t right. I know it, I feel it. Braxton is still in his crib, still sound asleep. I back out of his room quietly. Just as I am entering the living room, I hear a knock on the door. My nerves go on high alert at the same time the dreaded feeling gets heavier making it hard to get air into my lungs. Opening the door, two of Jacob’s co-workers are standing on the other side.

“Can I help you?” I ask. I have only met them a couple of times at family functions for Jacob’s work. I don’t know why they would be here, unless…. My heart drops and lands somewhere in the bottom of my stomach.

“Mrs. Caulder, we need to talk to you. May we come in?”

“Ummm, sure, okay. Please, come in, Mr.?” I don’t finish my sentence as I realize I don’t even remember their names.

“I’m Andrew, and this is Mason.”

I lead them into the living room and offer them a seat on the couch.

“Can I get you anything?” I ask, trying to prolong whatever it is they want to say to me. I wish Amy was here. I don’t know what they need to tell me, but I do know it can’t be good. I’m not sure if I can handle bad news right now.

“No, thank you,” Mason answers.

I take a seat in the rocking chair across from the couch and wait for whatever is coming.

“Mrs. Caulder,” Andrew starts to say, but I interrupt him.

“Anna, you can call me Anna.” I am wringing my hands together, trying to take calming breaths to ease the tension I feel. My heart is beating so hard, I can feel it pounding in my chest.

“Anna, something happened today at the prison. Something with Jacob.”

I stare at him, waiting for the other shoe to drop. When I don’t say anything, he continues.

“There was a fight that broke out. Several of th
e
inmates had apparently planned an attack on the guards. Jacob was in the middle of it. At least one of the inmates had a shank. Jacob was stabbed multiple times. They were taking him by life flight to the hospital when we left. It doesn’t look good,” Andrew says, and I can hear the pain in his voice.

My head is shaking no on its own. No words are making their way out of my mouth. Shock has overridden my entire body. I feel frozen in this moment. I am pulled back to reality when I feel Mason’s hand on my arm. I look up into his eyes and what I see there pushes me over into the abyss I had fallen into when Lindsey drowned.

Tears flood my eyes and fall over my cheeks. They are coming so fast that there is a steady stream of wetness flowing down my face. When I open my mouth to say something, anything, the lump that was in my throat is pushed aside by the blood curling scream I release.

Andrew disappears from the room and as I start to slide to floor, Mason catches me in his arms. He moves me over to the couch, setting me down.

“Is there someone I can call for you, Anna?” he asks.

I manage to whisper out Amy’s name, barely audible, but somehow, Mason hears me. He finds my phone and is dialing her number when Andrew walks in with Braxton.
Oh dear God, my baby, what if Jacob doesn’t come home.
I think to myself and just the thought of never seeing Jacob again sets me into a new onslaught of tears. The pain, the fear, the agony I am feeling has my body shaking so badly and I feel as if I am going to pass out.
I need to get to him.

After what seemed like hours, Amy comes rushing into the house. She drops to her knees in front of me, wrapping me in her embrace. I wrap my arms around her and let all of my pain come out in tears and sounds that I don’t recognize.

“Come on, let’s go. I am taking you up to the hospital. Shane is here and he is going to wait on your aunt to come and get Braxton, then he will meet us there,” Amy says, pulling my body up from the couch.

I am being suffocated by dread and am barely able to hold myself up. Mason helps her get me to the car and safely seated inside. Once the door is closed, Mason says something to Amy and she nods once before coming around to the driver’s side and getting in.

The drive seems to take forever. My thoughts are dark and any hope I have is fading with each passing thought. I don’t speak. I can’t, there is a lump in my throat that has restricted my ability to talk, so I just stare out of the window. I don’t see the passing scenery, only a blur of movement.

“Anna, stay positive,” Amy says. I glance at her, with a solemn expression. And still, I say nothing. “Everything is going to turn out fine Anna, you’ll see. Just stay with me,” She tries to reassure me.

Her reassurances are lost on me. There is a barrier my body has automatically put up, built from deep within me. No good is allowed in and no good i
s
allowed out.

Arriving at the hospital, we try to find out what we can about Jacob’s condition. The only thing the nurse will tell us, is that the doctor will be out to talk to us shortly and to wait in the waiting room. We wait and wait until finally the doctor makes his way to us. I know that look. I know what he is going to say and before he can say a word, I scream.

And scream.

And scream.

Shane must have made it at about the same time the doctor came in, as he picks me up and carries me to a chair. He sits down with me in his lap, holding me close to him.

Amy is still talking to the doctor and I am close enough to hear bits and pieces of what they are saying.

“He had multiple stab wounds. The one to his heart went all the way through his left ventricle and hit his aorta, causing him to bleed out before the medics could get him here. I’m sorry,” the doctor tells Amy.

As soon as his words register within my brain, my chest, still heaving, feels like it is on fire. It’s bursting into a flame that will leave me with only charred remains. My tears come harder and faster. The pain is so intense, I feel as if I am breaking in two. I lean over Shane’s side just as the bile flows from my mouth, spewing the contents of my stomach onto the chair and floor. My vision starts to fade and my limbs start to go limp. My last thought before the blackness overtakes me is why?

Jacob is gone, and so is half of me. Lost to a world that no longer exist.