Finding Strength (7 page)

“Anna, why don’t you just stay here tonight? Braxton is already asleep and besides, it’s late and I know you have to be exhausted,” Shane says.

“Thank you. I don’t really want to be alone tonight,” I say, my voice hoarse, certainly caused by the parchedness after my bewailing earlier.

“Come on, I’ll get you some of my pajamas,” Amy says, walking by me toward her room.

I mindlessly follow her, but pause before I make it through the kitchen doorway.

“Thank you, Shane,” I tell him before I turn around to follow Amy.

“Anytime. You know you are family, and this is what family does. You and Braxton will always be family to us,” he says. I give him a small smile then turn and walk through the door.

I took a shower, lingering until the water turned cold. I don’t know if I washed my hair, or even my body. I dried off and put on the pajamas Amy let me borrow, then climbed into bed. Sleep evades me for the most part. I drift off into a light sleep here and there, but spend most of the night tossing and turning. Every time I closed my eyes, I either saw what my mind had conjured up of Jacob being stabbed, or I saw him laying so still, so pale, in that coffin. I didn’t want to see either image, so I stared into the dark room at the silhouettes outlined in the blackness. When my eyes could no longer win the battle to stay open, I drifted off to sleep, so tired and wore out that even my mind shut down and I could finally get a little rest.

For the next few days, I stayed at Amy’s house. I wasn’t ready to face going home to an empty house, to my empty bed. Shane went over and picked up some of our things so that we would have what we needed until I found the courage to go home. Braxton cried a lot and I’m not sure if it’s because he wasn’t at home, or if he missed his daddy. My already broken heart, broke even more trying to console him. I was at a loss ashow to help him. The anger I felt toward myself intensified. As his mom, I should be able to fix this. I should be able to make this better for him, give him what he needs. I wanted to lash out, make someone hurt as much as I was hurting. I wanted to face the men who did this, who turned my world on it
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end, I wanted them to pay for what they had done. I prayed to God for Him to grant me the strength I would need.

Holding Braxton now while he cries uncontrollably, that anger rises to an unbearable level. I have to get away. I’m not mad at him, it’s the men who did this, and it’s me who I am angry at. It’s me who I want to destroy for not knowing what to do. I hand him to Shane and quietly walk out of the front door. Shane says nothing, just watches me walk away. I think he knows what I am feeling, or maybe he is just too stunned, either way, he lets me leave.

I walk around for a long time before I find my way to the park. For such a nice day out, there isn’t too many people here. I wander over to the big oak tree and take shelter under its branches. Falling to my knees, I let all of my anger out, pounding my fist into the dirt until I no longer have the strength to lift my arm.

I want to know why, yet there is no answer.

I want to know what to do next, yet I hear nothing. Only the chirping of the birds and the rustling of the leaves as the wind passes by.

I scream to the heavens why until my voice is completely gone.

I cry until there are no more tears left in my eyes.

The pain so real and so vivid that it burns me where I kneel on the cool, hard ground.

I don’t know how long I have been under this tree, but the sun has started to set, leaving a breathtaking sunset in its wake. Staring out into the horizon, I realize that as this day ends, another begins, bringing a new hope and new chance at survival. If only I had the manual that could tell me how to do just that, survive, then maybe I could find a way to start healing. My mind is one jumbled ball of confusion, one minute looking for a way forward and the next wanting to stay in the past, not willing to move an inch. I tell myself all of the time I need to find a way to move on, and it’s like the old saying, I take one step forward and then two steps back. At least for now, the anger is gone.

Slowly, I manage to get up, stiffness resides in all of my muscles making it very hard to move. I take one more look at the sunset trying to draw in its power as if somehow, it will lend me a bit of its peace. I walk at a snail’s pace back to the house. I take a deep breath before opening the door. I am not sure how Amy and Shane will react to my leaving and that worries me. I should have told them where I was going but the fury I felt was just too much and I have no clue what would have come out of my mouth. I knew I didn’t want to say anything I would later regret. Words can never be unspoken.

Opening the door, I walk in. The smell of meatloaf fills my nostrils and my stomach growls in protest. I follow the smell into the dining room where I find Amy, Shane, and Braxton sitting at the table. I notice they have set a plate out for me, I guess in hopes that I would at least come back to eat, if at all. I sit down at my place then look to both of my friends.

“I’m sorry I left like that.”

“You had me worried. You should have at leas
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said where you were going, or if you planned on coming back. I almost called the cops but Shane stopped me,” Amy says, the fear and anger in her eyes saying all that she felt.

“I know, I should have said something. I was just so angry and I didn’t want to say something that I couldn’t take back,” I say, my voice barely coming out. I sound as though I have laryngitis.

“Please don’t do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me. I didn’t know what you were going to do, Anna. I can’t lose you, too,” Amy says, tears filling her eyes, sadness replacing the fear.

“I won’t, I promise.”

We finish dinner in an almost unbearable silence. I hate the pain I have now caused them. The worry and the trepidation I forced upon them was necessary, or so it seemed at the time. Now I know differently. And for that, I am truly sorry. Lying in bed, my thoughts come to a standstill, weariness overtaking me, I close my eyes and fall into a dreamless sleep. No visions, no nightmares, only the darkness.

Chapter Eleven

Present Day

By the time I finish retelling the funeral for Jacob, both Amy and I have tears flowing down our faces. It’s like we were put back into that day, opening all of our old wounds and being gutted all over again. To this day, Jacob’s death still hurts, as well as Lindsey’s. Neither has rhyme or reason, and I have not found the purpose for why either of them were taken from us. My heart knows that I don’t need to know what it is to know that there is definitely one for it. Getting my head to wrap around that and understand it, well that’s another story.

“I want to stop for today, Amy,” I say through my tears. My throat is dry and my voice comes out scratchy as though I have chain smoked all my life.

“Why don’t you get some rest? It’s almost time for the crew to be back from the festival. I’ll go make us some dinner and then wake you up when it’s done.”

“Okay,” I say and lay back on the pillow and nestle into the covers.

Amy quietly closes the door when she leaves out of the room. Because of the fluid that has built around my heart and lungs, breathing is a chore,especially if I lay on my back. I turn to my side and close my eyes. Visions of my life roll like a movie, changing from one memory to the next in clipped fashion. Finally, th
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movie slows, my breathing evens out, and sleep claims me.

I’m gingerly shaken out of sleep. Cracking one eye open, I peer through my lashes and see Zak leaning his elbows on the bed.

“Hey, Sunshine,” he says, his smile wide and beautiful. Opening my other eye, I smile back at him.

“Hey, yourself.”

“Are you hungry?” he asks.

“I could eat.”

“Do you want to go to the dining room, or would you rather stay in here?”

“Dining room.”

Zak helps me up and wraps my robe around my shoulders. I slide my arms through the sleeves and tie the front closed with the soft sash. We slowly make our way to the dining room, me leaning on Zak, using his body strength as my own. He helps me into the chair next to Braxton, who of course, is beside Allie. Those two have been inseparable from the beginning. I give Braxton a knowing smile, to which he replies with a questioning stare, one eyebrow raised high on his forehead. Yeah, I’m on to you buddy.

“Everything looks great,” I tell Amy.

She has made baked chicken, creamed potatoes, and some kind of little peas, purple hull maybe.

“Thanks,” she says passing the plate of chicken to Shane.               Everyone piles food on their plates and soon dinner is underway and conversation is flowing. According to the kids, the festival was ‘beast’ and I’m guessing in kids terms that doesn’t mean like the incredible hulk. Braxton and Allie were very talkative about the games they played, the rides they rode, and how they are going to go every year as the start of a new tradition. The conversation continues to flow well after the food is devoured.

Everyone wants to watch a movie, but I’m not sure I can sit up that long, so Zak helps me back to bed. He props the pillows up against the headboard so that I can lean back on them, then climbs on the bed beside me.              

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“Staying in here with you, what did you think I was doing?” he says, leaning back against the headboard beside me.

“We have company here, you can go watch the movie with them.”

“They are more family than anything, you know that. Besides, I want to be here with you,” he says, grabbing my hand and wrapping it up in his warm ones. I lean into him, smelling the familiar scent that is Zak, clean, sandalwood, with a hint of Polo Red cologne.

I’m not sure what time I fell asleep but the sun is now up and shining a beam through the window. Looking at the clock, it reads nine-thirty. I push myself up and just as I am about to get myself out of the bed, Amy walks into the room.

“Morning!” she says, cheerily, carrying a cup of coffee in one hand and a plate of donuts in the other.

“Morning. You’re awful chipper this morning, did you kill a cat on your way to get donuts?” I ask, a throaty laugh escaping me.

“Yes, as a matter of fact, I did,” she replies, stone faced, not a hint of a joke showing on her face. I stare her, shocked.

“I’m kidding, Anna!” she says, swatting my leg. I let out the breath I was holding in.

“You just scared the bejesus out of me!”

“You should know better,” she sings more than says.

“Let’s get this started before I have to get up and go ninja on you,” I say.

She looks at me incredulous and it makes me laugh out loud. Amy joins in, both of us laughing until tears are leaking out of our eyes.

We calm down and Amy gets serious, ready to start the task at hand. I’m not sure how much time we have, so I need to make every second count.

January 17th 2007

Before I met Jacob, I couldn’t picture my life with someone who would love me unconditionally. I didn’t ever imagine my life with anyone in it but Lindsey. After meeting Jacob and loving him from within the depths of my soul, I couldn’t imagine my life without him being a part of it. And now, I don’t have to imagine it, I have to live it. Day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute, I have lived my life barely staying afloat since Jacob was murdered. The only thing keeping me from sinking in this sea of utter sorrow is Braxton. If it wasn’t for him, I would have drowned in my misery. For him, I have managed to pull myself together enough to function a little more every day. A shadow of who I once was. 

The nights are the hardest. When Braxton sleeps, I am alone without distraction. The loneliness consumes me. I miss Jacob’s voice, his touch caressing my skin. I miss his warmth and companionship. I long to feel him press his lips to mine. To see the love that was always present in his eyes when he looked at me. I close my eyes and try to remember the feel of him wrapped around me. For a brief fleeting moment, I can still smell his cologne, feel the comfort, the peace, and the pleasure he filled me with. Always too soon, the moment passes and the contentment I felt in those few seconds dissipates, leaving me dejected.

It’s a daily battle, finding strength to face another day. Some days, I feel as though there is no more hope. I have to search deep within myself to the darkest recesses of my soul and remind myself that I have a beautiful reason to find the light inside of me, if only a spark. Jacob would want that. That’s all he ever wanted. My happiness and Braxton’s. I hold on to th
e
memory of Jacob so tightly that sometimes, it’s all I see.

I hear Braxton making noises as he wakes in the early morning. Walking into his room, I scoop him up into my arms and hold him as close to me as I can. He looks so much like Jacob. It hurts to see so much of his dad in him, yet at the same time, I am grateful. Braxton is the only piece of Jacob I have left, with the exception of Jacob’s heart. That, I will never give back.

As I make my way to the kitchen with Braxton on my hip, I hear my cell phone ringing from the counter where I left it the night before. Settling Braxton into his high-chair, I manage to grab the phone just as it stops ringing. Looking at the screen, I see it was Amy. I’ll call her back as soon as I get Braxton some breakfast. I make him some scrambled eggs and cut up some fruit for him and set it in front of him. It doesn’t take him long to dig into his meal.

I dial Amy’s number and wait for her to pick up.

“Hello?” I hear her answer.

“Hey, sorry I couldn’t get to the phone earlier. Braxton was up and ready for something to eat.”

“It’s okay, how are you today?” she ask.

“I think I’m okay. I mean, it’s been six months, Amy. Six long and very hard months without him.” It’s so hard to believe how fast the time has gone by. “I don’t know sometimes how I have even managed to make it this far.”

“You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, Anna. I have seen you at your lowest, not once but twice now. Sometimes, I’m not so sure how you do it.”

The silence was thick and heavy. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I said nothing instead. I have never seen myself as strong, just trudging on the only way I know how. One day at a time. Just when I thought that Amy had hung up the phone, she speaks again.

“Anna? Are you still there?” she asks.

“I’m here,” I say so low that I am sure Amy struggled to hear me. My thoughts are pretty scattered, thinking of the past, of the present, and the long road of the unknown future, sure to be a long and desolate one. Amy’s words break into my thoughts, bringing me back from the brink of the blackness that was pulling me into its tentacles.

“Did you hear me, Anna?” she ask.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I asked if you wanted to come over tonight for dinner,” she repeated, the strain in her voice showing the worry she was trying to hide.

“Sure. What time should I come and do you need me to bring anything?” I asked.

“Just bring yourself and that nephew of mine. You can come anytime, you know that.”

“Okay, let me get Braxton cleaned up and get myself cleaned up and then we’ll head that direction. Amy?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. I know it seems like I am always saying that to you, but I need you to know how muc
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everything you have done means to me. Both you and Shane have always been the center beam of my life when everything around me falls apart,” I say, the tremble in my voice not going unnoticed by either of us.

“You’re always welcome. I love you like my own sister, Anna. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you or Braxton,” she says.

“I love you, too, Amy. I’ll see you soon,” I say, then hang up the phone after she says her goodbye.

I take a deep breath and sit down with my plate of eggs, which are now on the cool side, next to Braxton. He has finished eating and is now playing with the remaining strawberries on his plate making a mushy mess out of the red berries. Definitely bath time for him after I finish eating.

I finished bathing Braxton and set him in his pack ‘n play just outside of the bathroom door. I need a shower and since it’s not his naptime, I only get a quick rub and scrub, get out of the tub, shower. I dry off and get dressed in record time. Running the brush through the tangled mass that has become my hair, I reach for the detangler on the other side of the sink.

What catches my eye nearly buckles my knees.

Jacob’s razor is half hidden behind a couple of bottles of my perfume. I thought that Amy had gotten everything of his packed away, since I couldn’t bring myself to do it, but I guess she missed the razor. Tears burn the back of my eyes just seeing the metal handle of the razor poking out from behind the bottles.

I grab hold of the counter and close my eyes. I miss him. I miss him so dang much. It feels as if the temporary sutures that are holding my broken heart together are being snipped and pulled away, leaving the gaping hole wide open in my chest. Everything I learned on how to cope with this kind of heartache after Lindsey died has escaped me. I can’t seem to find my way out of this. It’s almost impossible to get a deep, fulfilling breath into my lungs. The burning in my chest is inescapable. I am losing my grip on reality and the darkness is creeping in fast, promising to take me away from the pain and heartbreak.

“Mama, Mama, Mama.” I hear just barely over the roar in my ears. Suddenly, as those words infiltrate my brain and register, it’s as if the light from a distant lighthouse has spotted me and is drawing me into its brightness. The pain in my chest lessens and as I open my eyes, I allow them to follow the sound still repeating just outside of the bathroom door. Braxton. Braxton is my lighthouse and his words are the hands that have grabbed hold of the invisible sutures around my heart, pulling back, bringing the deep wound together again.

I hold tight to my precious boy, kissing his cheek. The tears have turned from ones of pain to ones of happiness. This little soul that is the perfection of Jacob and I, rescued me. He is the purpose of my life, the meaning behind every breath I take, every struggle I face. I reluctantly set him back down in the playpen to finish getting ready.

Spending time with Shane and Amy always seems to lift my spirits. They help remind me that I am alive and that there is more to this life than what I allow myself to envision for myself. Their reminders don’t always fall on deaf ears, but I have to admit, most of the time, it’s too much for me to fathom. I honestly do try to take every piece of advice they give me and apply it to my life every day. Some days, it’s just not that easy, but I try all the same.

Watching the kids play lifts my spirits and renews my faith in life. Their happy squeals of laughter is enough to warm the coldest of hearts. Seeing Allie and Braxton’s interactions with one another is like watching a comedy all on its own. These two tend to make us laugh a lot, allowing me to forget the pain that is always present, lingering in the shadows just waiting for an opening to jump in and cripple me.

Dinner was served, conversation flowed, and eventually it was time to go home. I had helped clean the kitchen and pick up the toys the kids played with in the living room, returning it to its former state before the storms known as Allie and Braxton took over. I pack up Braxton’s bag and give Amy and Shane a hug goodnight. The drive back to my house is quiet. Braxton, too lost in the passing scenery to go to sleep, stays silent the whole way home.