Finding the Thing Within (16 page)

"You know," said Lorenzo. "They gave me that program I was telling you about, I’ll copy it for you."
"Okay, I’ll be at yours in half an hour."
Lorenzo was in his underwear when he opened the door, gave him a very modest kiss and sat back down in front of the PC.
"Sit down, I’m just finishing downloading these messages."
Rosario sat down beside him and began to caress his head. "What do you want to do?"
"Nothing, look at the screen."
Lorenzo started kissing his neck and stroking his chest, then slid his hand down into his pants up and held him inside them. Lorenzo got up and took his hand and led him without a word into his bedroom. The bed was still unmade and they lay down. Lorenzo loosened Rosario's
shoes and took them off. Then he unbuttoned his jeans
and let them fall to the ground and then, with an ardor and
animalistic passion neither of them had ever felt before,
they made love.
"Why do you do this to me?" said Lorenzo. "It’s you that made
me
suffer; you know I was going
crazy without you, without touching you, kissing you. I
missed your legs, your arms, your body and your freaky
face. What do you want from me Lorenzo? Tell me. What
can we make of our lives? What kind of future have we
got?"
"I love you. I love you but don’t ask me any more
because I can’t answer. I don’t even know what I want. I
still have to make a choice. It’s hard, it’s really hard." "Don’t leave me Lorenzo, don’t abandon me. I’m so
attached to you!"
"You know in September I have to take another
course, so I need to study, but I can’t get much done here,
what with the beach and my parents and brother, so I’ve
decided to go to my mother’s empty house in the country
for the rest of August."
"How long for?"
"Until the end of the month, 20 days."
"20 days? You’re leaving me again? And what will I
do here all alone?"
"You’ll go to the beach."
"And maybe back to the bachelor’s life."
"Really, is it not possible to go for a few days
without?"
"No!"
"Where is it?"
"Favara."
"And can I come and visit you?"
"Of course you can, it’s only 120 kilometres. The
important thing that you tell me first so I can organize it." He left far more consoled than he had came in the
car and was already thinking of how to get to Lorenzo in Favara, when he reminded himself that Lorenzo had not even left and he was letting his mind run needlessly. On the way home he stopped at the market and did some shopping. He bought a kilo of green Genoese zucchini, carrots, parsley, and two kilos of tomatoes. He stopped by the fishmonger, and got some cod for his mother and some mullet for himself, and headed home.

***

Almost all shops were closed for the holidays and Rosario's was no exception. Lorenzo had left for Favara the night before, promising that he would call the following morning. It was just after eleven o'clock when Lorenzo called.

"Hey, how’s it going?"
"Good, I’m at the beach."
"Already? Not working today?"
"Who am I going to sell to if all the shops are

closed and the few that are open don’t buy anything even at discount prices?"

"I understand, you know last night when I arrived I met my mother’s relatives and my old friends and they threw me a party! It’s been years since I last saw them."

"Then what did you do?"
"We went out to eat. How are you?"
"Fine."
"Who’s there?"
"Well there’s a foreign couple sunbathing over there

and there’s a guy nearby who is staring at me."
"What’s he like?"
"Do not worry, he’s old, must be about forty." "Old! And what are you?"
"Shut up."
"Listen, I’m going, I have to study."
"Oh Lorenzo, when should I come?"
"In a few days I’ll let you know. Okay? Bye-bye

sweetie!"

He had a quick dip in the sea and lay back down in the sun. The sun was so strong you had to keep turning over like a fish being evenly fried in a pan. It was almost one o'clock when he saw Mirko with his dog but he didn't say hello. He had met Mirko four years earlier at this same beach and they had become friends, he was 29 years and had been 25 when they first met. He was nice, handsome, six foot tall and had a goatee. He had graduated in business and was looking for a job. They used to meet up and go out together, each trying to pull other men. Rosario, despite also being handsome, could not compete with the charm of a boy eighteen years younger than himself, and then when they went out, Mirko would always score, leaving Rosario alone. This had been the reason for their argument, and they hadn’t been friends for nearly two years and this is why now Rosario ignored him.

Then he saw two other guys who found a place near his rock. These he knew too and he said hello, they were Giuseppe and Andre. They would often sunbathe nude and right then they were stripping completely naked. Andre was Carlo’s brother, the boy who was with Matteo for ten years. He had been twenty when they had first met and had come to the sea with his brother and his boyfriend, and Rosario had been shocked to realize that both brothers were gay. Poor mother, he had thought, to have two gay sons.

Rosario had a short affair with Andre that had lasted about a month; he was a really nice guy; tall, blond and hairy. Now he was completely bald but he still had many

enviable qualities.
How can you lose all your hair in just five years?
He thought. Even though it was fashionable,

and many had their hair cut to zero, it was going a bit far. "Guess what Andre, I’ve got a boyfriend," he said. "Oh, who is he? Anyone I know?"
"I don’t think so, he doesn’t hang around gay areas,

and he’s heterosexual."

"Just like yours," said Giuseppe, lying next to Andre. "Even you have a boyfriend?" Rosario replied. "Suppose so! As long as it lasts!"
"What do you mean?"
"In the sense that in a week he’s getting married to

a woman and I wouldn’t want to be him getting married to a woman but still always being in love with men. His life is going to be shitty. Anyway, tell me about this boyfriend."

Rosario lit up as he began to describe Lorenzo. "He’s bald like you, with glasses, and he’s sporty.

He plays basketball."
"Is his name Lorenzo by any chance?"
"Yeah, you know him then?"
"Not personally but I’ve heard of a guy called

Lorenzo who sounds like what you were describing, who comes fairly often always alone. It’s probably him." "Who did you hear about him from?"

"You wouldn’t know him and anyway it’s better I don’t talk about him too much, things can get complicated."
They went on talking on these points throughout the afternoon until finally Rosario got tired and went home. When he got home he took the map and studying it carefully, tried to figure out how best to get to Favara.

***

Rosario’s mother was feeling bad that evening and wasn’t up to making dinner. He found her already in bed, complaining of a nasty headache.

"What is it?"
"My head hurts, I can’t lift it off my pillow, and I haven’t done anything for dinner, you’ll have to see to it yourself. There's some meat and some salad in the fridge. I don’t feel like eating, so don’t make anything for me."
Rosario didn't say anything but went straight to the bedside table where he took all her various pills and medicines and stuffed them into a plastic bag.
"What are you doing?"
"What I should have done long ago getting rid of all this crap!"
"What does my medicine have to do with it?"
"Why can’t you see that you’re poisoning yourself? You take pills before breakfast, then for your blood pressure, one to digest your lunch and then another for your circulation."
"My doctor prescribed them for me!"
"Well he must be great then...you tell him what you’ve got and he writes you out prescriptions without remembering about all the medication that you already take. From now on you’re eating food, not pills."
"And what am I supposed to do when I need to go or when I need to keep my blood circulating, so it gets to my brain properly."
"Something’s not getting to your brain. From now on I decide and no more pills."
He went to the oven to start cooking.

***

Another five days passed uneventfully. He spoke to Lorenzo nearly every day and things were going well. He was studying during the day, and after going for a run and showering, would go out with his friends.

"Should I come and see you on Sunday instead of going to the sea? I’ll bring some mussels to make with pasta."

"No, Monday would be better, and both my parents and some neighbors are away from town and it’ll be quieter."

"Ok! I’ll see you on Monday then."

Part 21

It was Friday and the days lagged. Saturday came by and he remembered that he needed to buy mussels, and everything would be closed on Sunday. He thought it wouldn’t do to buy mussels on Saturday and have stalemussel pasta. He thought it would be better to bring something else to cook. He got up at 6.30 on Monday morning, got ready to go and left at seven-thirty sharp. He was in Favara by 9.00. Rosario called him briefly to ask for directions and they met.

"I knew you’d set off early but I didn’t expect you to be here by nine, what time did you leave?"
"Seven-thirty!"
"Dawn!"
"When I used to travel a lot more for my job, I used to get up at six-thirty on Tuesday mornings so I don’t really mind getting up early."
He kissed Lorenzo who showed him around the flat. It was on the second floor of an old building, the entrance led onto a large and brightly-illuminated room. There was some ramshackle furniture and the place where Lorenzo was studying a small table full of books and notebooks in the centre of the room. In the corner next to the bed there was a small, one channel, black and white TV. The adjacent kitchen was large, and its sinks were full of dirty dishes. Off from the kitchen was the bathroom. Another room had been converted into a bedroom; it was a little smaller than the first but had a nice double bed. Lorenzo was in his pajamas and he took them off to get changed.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting dressed," answered Lorenzo.
"Why?" And he came closer.
"What do you want?" Lorenzo laughed.
"You think that I came a hundred and twenty kilometres to get to know the town of Favara?"
Lorenzo lay down on the bed and gestured for Rosario to do the same and there followed such passionate
and frenzied embraces as before. They kissed and held
each other tighter and tighter, so their two bodies became
like one. The bed wobbled and seemed like it would break
and then it did. By bending the feet of the mattress base
they managed to more or less fix it, and started again. "Hang on a minute," said Lorenzo.
"What do you want?"
He went and turned a large mirror resting on a chair
towards the bed so that they could see themselves in it. "Take me like this; I want to see you penetrating
me!"
"It’s no good though, I can’t see everything." "Wait while I turn it."
"Careful, it’s unlucky to break a mirror."
"Don’t worry; right now it should be perfect." They went on until they reached orgasm, then lay
back on the bed and cuddled in silence. Rosario broke the
silence after a few minutes.
"Have you heard from Paola?"
"She slept here the day before yesterday!" "Oh really! And why didn’t you say anything?" "Didn’t think it was important, it doesn’t affect things
with us."
"Did you fuck her?"
"Yes!"
"And did you say that I was coming to see you
today?"
"No! I didn’t think that was important either, especially for her."
"But I love you! Do you think we can ever have
something?"
"I don’t know, curse your 47 years!"
"You knew from the beginning; don’t throw it in my
face now."
"I know dammit! Don’t you think that I’d like to go out with you normally, to go shopping, or introduce you to my friends? But the way things are, that’s impossible, they would stop talking to me. You should understand that I don’t want to lose you. You’re my friend, confidante and lover. In some ways, you’re the father I never had."
"I can try to keep being patient, but patience has its limits. You know, I don’t expect you ask me over to your house and introduce me as your lover, Christ! No. I don’t expect much. But hell, at least introduce me to Tullio as I did with my friend Francesco. Introduce me to Tullio as a sign that you’re serious about me."
"My reasons come from a whole different mentality. It’s easier for you, you’re coming from the mindset of someone who already has accepted himself long ago and that everyone you know, knows about you. I’m going to need time."
Seeing that the discussion with Lorenzo wasn’t going so well, he stayed silent.
"Ok, let’s have a wash and go out. We should get some food, and then we could go for a walk and I’ll show you Favara castle."

***

Favara Castle was on the mountain overlooking the village, approached via an asphalt road with few bends, but then steadily deteriorated throughout the ascent. It was noon and the road was completely deserted. They reached the top of the mountain and there was another, smaller road which, according to a road sign, would lead them to the castle. The castle, or what was left of it, really was in sorry, uninhabited ruins. There was, however, a breathtaking view, you could admire all the surrounding mountains and hills. Lorenzo loved it but Rosario was nonplussed. He was accustomed to other, different views. For Rosario, a panorama should look out over the landscape towards the sea. Next to the castle there was a chapel with a statue of the Virgin Mary, Rosario approached it and said loudly: "Please do something for him Mary."

***

On the way back, Lorenzo wanted to drop in at the optician's to pick up a pair of sunglasses that had ordered. He was wearing them as he came out; they were wonderful, dark and slightly curved. Rosario looked at him and stood in amazement. The glasses really suited him. Rosario thought that if he hadn’t been bald, the glasses probably wouldn’t have had that same amazing effect.

Once home, they chopped garlic and tomato to make pasta. They heated it ever so slightly and mixed it with
al dente
spaghetti. They teased each other as they ate, Rosario saying that the sauce was too raw, while for Lorenzo it was just simple pasta with sauce. Rosario was happy, there he was next to his boyfriend, and was feeling far from any disagreement. They lay down on the bed in the dining room and put the TV on. Only the first channel was clear and they realized the antenna was broken.