Authors: Sadie Matthews

Fire After Dark (36 page)

BOOK: Fire After Dark

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‘Thank you.’ I look at him and I know my eyes are shining.

He laughs again. ‘That was a most unexpected pleasure. I didn’t know I had a determined little mistress waiting for me up here.’

‘You don’t have to leave now, do you?’ I say, snuggling into him and relishing his delectable body. ‘Isn’t your driver waiting?’

Dominic checks his watch and sighs. ‘Yes, probably. I don’t want to go. I want to stay here with you.’

A delicious warm feeling spreads over me. This is what I’d wanted from him – the loving to soothe the hurting.

‘But . . . I can’t. I’m sorry, my darling. I’ll have to leave in a minute.’

My heart sinks. ‘Do you really have to go?’

‘Yes. And I don’t know when I’ll be back.’

‘So – what does this mean . . . for us?’

Dominic slides me a look. ‘I take it you’re not back with Adam, then.’

‘No, no!’ I shake my head. ‘I never was. He came to see me and I told him it was all over. Honestly!’

He stares up the ceiling for a moment and then says slowly, ‘You know, Beth, all this is hard for me to take in. About an hour ago, I thought it was all over for us, and I was trying to get to grips with that, and with everything that’s happened. I know you’ve been in a lot of pain over it, but so have I.’ He turns on his side and looks at me. ‘To be honest, I still am. What happened between us, and what I did – well, it’s really shaken me.’

I reach out and stroke his hair. ‘But . . . it’s all right now, isn’t it? Now you know I still want you?’

He clutches my hand in his, and laughs, a tender, almost wistful laugh. ‘Oh, Beth. I wish it were all that simple. You see, I was terrified by what I did to you. I had no idea I was capable of that, of losing control in the way I did. I need to find out why it happened before I can trust myself around you again, do you understand?’ He comes closer to me and I see that his eyes are rich and chocolatey, not black at all. The long dark lashes around them are so beautiful, even more so when his eyes are sad as they are now. ‘If I don’t find out what made me act that way, and fix it, then there’s a very real danger I could do it again, and if I did that . . . well, I couldn’t bear it. I need to be sure you’ll be safe if you have a relationship with me.’

‘Of course I will be!’

‘I’m touched by your faith in me. But I don’t know if I share it.’

Anxiety flares inside me. ‘What do you mean? What are you going to do?’

‘I’m not sure. But before I come back here, I’ve got to face my demons and overcome them. I believe the darkness in me needs to be healed.’

‘You mean, your desire to dominate?’ I frown. ‘Is that the darkness?’

He shakes his head. ‘No – it isn’t that simple. It’s so complex I can’t understand it myself. Sex and love have been separate so long for me that it feels as though putting them back together has been seismic. It’s shifted something within me. I need to make sure everything is safe before I try again.’ He sighs. ‘You see, even when I made you punish me, I was making you do something you didn’t want to do. I understand that now, and it’s a hard truth to accept. My controlling impulse dominates me to such as extent that it’s beyond my control.’ He laughs softly at the irony. ‘I hope I’m making sense. It’s hard to explain. I don’t want to make promises to you, Beth, but, if you’ll wait for me while I sort these things out, perhaps we can find out together if there’s a future for us.’

‘Of course I’ll wait,’ I say, though I can hardly bear the thought of our being separated. ‘But how long?’

He draws a pattern on my palm with his finger before he says, ‘I don’t know. Can you wait, Beth?’

‘Yes. As long as I have to.’

‘Thank you.’ He drops a kiss on my forehead. ‘We’ll stay in touch while I’m away. Look after yourself, won’t you?’

I nod. So the parting is coming after all. He’s leaving, going far away to somewhere I cannot follow. Perhaps he’ll come back changed. And if he overcomes that darkness he’s so afraid of, will he be the same Dominic? Or someone else entirely? I wrap my arms around him, suddenly frightened. ‘Don’t go! Please.’

He kisses me, very long and very sweetly. ‘I wish I could stay. But we’ll be together again, I promise.’ Then, gently, he unwraps my arms and slips away from my embrace. He get up and stares down at me, those beautiful eyes full of tenderness. ‘I will be back, Beth. Don’t forget me, will you?’

Forget you? As if I could.

‘I’ll never forget you,’ I breathe. ‘Goodbye, Dominic.’

Then I close my eyes, because it’s too painful to watch him dress and leave me. I feel the weight shift as he climbs off the bed, and hear him as he moves around the room, collecting his things and getting dressed. There is a painful ache behind my eyes and I know it’s the tears I’m fighting to keep in. When he’s ready to leave, he comes to the bed and kneels down. He takes my hand and wraps it in his own large one, and brings his face so close that he’s pressing his cheek to mine. I draw a small, shuddering breath and a tear escapes my tightly shut lids and runs down my nose.

‘Don’t cry, my Beth,’ he says, so softly and gently that I have use all my strength not to break down. He kisses away my tear and then brushes my lips with his. ‘We’ll speak soon.’

I can’t open my eyes. It’s too painful to watch him go. He lets go of my hand and I feel him move away from the bed and stand up. Then he is leaving, and my eyes open just in time to see his broad back and dark hair before the door closes behind him. After that, I hear the front door close with an awful finality.

So it’s happened. I close my eyes again, and blank out the boudoir. Instead the image of him standing next to me in the garden floats into my mind: he’s strong, happy and smiling. He’s telling me that something told him to come and find me, and here I am.

But he’s gone.

And now, my wait begins.

Acknowledgements

My thanks to all those at Hodder & Stoughton, particularly to my editor, Harriet, and copyeditor, Justine. Their encouragement helped so much.

My thanks to my agent and all at David Higham Associates.

I have been inspired by those who have the courage and imagination to live the lives they want, and who do so with respect for others. We all have a wonderful gift to enjoy: let us do so with careless restraint, sensible rapture and mindful pleasure.

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About the Author

Sadie Matthews is the author of six novels of contemporary women’s fiction published under other names. In her own work, she has described decadent worlds of heady escapism and high drama. This is her first novel to explore a more intimate and intense side of life and relationships. She is married and lives in London.

First published in Great Britain in 2012 by

Hodder & Stoughton

An Hachette UK company

The right of Sadie Matthews to be identified as the Author of the

Work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright,

Designs and Patents Act 1988.

stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any

means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor be

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All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance