Fire by Night (43 page)
“I hardly think that’s true. There were hundreds of people involved.”
“But you organized all this. And you’re the one who convinced some very wealthy donors to make contributions. None of the Christian Commission’s other fairs have been as successful as this one.”
“That’s wonderful news. I’m glad it went so well.”
“And I’m glad we had a chance to work together for these past few weeks.” His voice grew softer. He stood very close to her. “Julia, this is how I long imagined it would be, having a partner and a helpmeet who would aid me in my work.”
She felt a prickle of irritation, like a stone in her shoe. “I consider this
my
work, too.”
“I know,” he said, smiling. “That’s what’s so wonderful about it. You’re willing to make my causes your very own.”
He still wasn’t getting it. Julia opened her mouth to explain to him that she would have worked just as hard for the Christian Commission if he hadn’t been involved, but before she could speak, he did.
“You worked so tirelessly for me on this fair. And you were always so willing to do any task I gave you. You truly went the extra mile—even now, staying around to help until the very end. You’re so hardworking and generous and selfless—”
“Please stop. I am not all those things.”
“Did I mention modest, too?” he asked, grinning. Nathaniel’s charm and natural charisma added to his enormous attractiveness. He was a godly man, a passionate preacher. Julia did not feel worthy of his flattery.
“I’m human, Nathaniel. I make mistakes like everyone else. I sometimes need forgiveness.”
“Of course. We all do.” He was flying high on the fair’s success and doing his best to lift her up with him. But the loss that had shadowed her for so long seemed to drape across her shoulders, weighing her down. “Julia, what’s wrong?” he asked.
“It’s hard to live up to your opinion of me. I can’t spend my life on a pedestal. One wrong move and I’ll fall, and then you’ll see me as I truly am.”
“I have seen you as you truly are, on that hospital ship. And I never saw a kinder, lovelier woman. You’re so different from all the other young ladies at church. None of them would ever be willing to make all the sacrifices you’ve made to become a nurse—to work so selflessly amidst such horror and despair. You are a beautiful person, Julia. I don’t understand why it upsets you to hear that.”
“I miss working at the hospital.” The simple truth surprised her. “Charity work just isn’t the same.” She remembered the night she had helped James operate, the many hours they’d spent together on the wards, battling to save lives. Her eyes filled with tears.
Nathaniel studied her for a long moment, his eyes more gray than blue in the dim light. “Will you marry me, Julia?” he said suddenly. “We could spend our lifetime working together this way. I know we haven’t courted for very long, but I’ve found the woman I want to marry, and I don’t want to lose you. Please say you will.”
Julia imagined herself working alongside Nathaniel as she had worked beside James and said, “Yes. I’ll marry you.”
Two years ago, after her behavior at Bull Run, she never would have believed that Nathaniel would ask. And now he had. Her life with him would have purpose and meaning. She would be more than the porcelain doll on a shelf that Hiram Stone had described. She would be able to forget James, pushing all her memories of him into the past.
Nathaniel smiled broadly at her reply, then sobered. He was going to kiss her. Julia held her breath, her heart racing as she looked up into his handsome face. He rested his hands lightly on her arms and closed his eyes as he leaned toward her. His lips pressed against hers for a few seconds, then he pulled back to look at her.
The kiss had been prim and stiff, as if Nathaniel were pressing a brass stamp into soft wax to seal a letter. It seemed more a sign of ownership than passion. Julia remembered James’ kiss and felt a loss. She longed to put her hands in Nathaniel’s fair hair and pull him toward her, to feel the warmth of his face against hers, his arms surrounding her, holding her close. But he took a step back.
“I’ll need to ask your father’s permission before we can make it official,” he said. “And I want to buy you a ring.”
He reached for her hand and held it stiffly, as if holding a china teacup. His fingers were cool. Again she thought of James, of the tender gesture she’d seen so many times as he rested his hand on a patient’s brow. James had held her face in his hands with that same tenderness the night he’d kissed her. His hands had been warm.
“And I would like to arrange for my father to meet you,” Nathaniel continued.
Julia shook herself. She had just accepted a proposal of marriage from Nathaniel, the man she had loved for all these years. Why on earth was she thinking of another man’s kiss, another man’s touch? A married man.
“I can only afford two or three servants on my minister’s salary,” Nathaniel said. “I’m afraid ours will be a much simpler life than what you’re accustomed to. But I think I know you well enough to know that an extravagant lifestyle doesn’t matter to you.”
“It doesn’t,” she replied, dazed.
“I’ll make an appointment to talk with your father as soon as possible …if that’s okay?”
“Of course.”
“I hope you don’t want a long engagement, Julia. I believe that once you find the person who’s right for you, there’s no sense in waiting. And I think ours is a partnership made in heaven, don’t you?”
She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. She couldn’t comprehend that the man she’d long dreamed of had just asked her to marry him.
“Julia, you’re speechless. I hope it’s with happiness?”
“Yes,” she whispered. “It is.”
She wanted him to kiss her again, to erase forever the memory of James’ kiss with a memorable one of his own. Instead, Nathaniel took her arm and led her toward the door.
“You must be exhausted from working these last three days. I know I am. I want you to go home now, dear, and get some rest. Let’s find your coachman.”
Alone in her carriage, Julia realized that Nathaniel had never once said, “I love you.”
“General Lee and his Rebels have crossed the border into Pennsylvania,” Julia’s father told her the next morning.
“Pennsylvania! They’re
here
?”
“I’m afraid so.” He sat at the breakfast table, frowning as he read the morning newspaper. His food sat untouched in front of him. Julia had picked up an empty plate to fill with food from the silver chargers on the buffet, but she set it down again.
“How close are they?”
“The paper says near Chambersburg. That’s about one hundred and fifty miles from here. Apparently the Rebels are pillaging the countryside for food as they go. Disgraceful behavior!”
“Our Union soldiers are no better, Daddy. I saw what they did to Fredericksburg, Virginia, with my own eyes. It wasn’t even for food. They were just looting and destroying for the fun of it.” Julia also remembered the vicious cannonading that the town had endured and how she had pictured her own city being bombarded that way. “Do you think the Rebels will come as far as Philadelphia?”
“No one knows where they’re headed, but it does look as though there will be fighting on Union soil soon. They’re not too far from Harrisburg.” He folded the paper and laid it beside his plate, then stood. “God help us. General Meade had better do a better job of stopping Lee than Hooker or Burnside or McClellan did.”
All thoughts of her engagement to Nathaniel took second place in Julia’s mind for the next few days as the citizens of Philadelphia held their breath, waiting for news of the Confederate invasion. Nor did Nathaniel have time to approach Julia’s father and make his proposal official as he and his Commission volunteers prepared to ship the goods they had just collected to needy Union soldiers.
On the morning of July 3, Julia and her father read news of a horrific series of battles that had taken place near the little-known Pennsylvania town of Gettysburg. Alongside the reports, the paper printed an urgent plea for volunteer physicians and nurses to help cope with the enormous casualties, estimated to be in the tens of thousands.
Julia didn’t ask her father for permission to go. As soon as he left for work, she hurried down to the Christian Commission’s offices to find Nathaniel. He would likely answer the plea for volunteers and deliver the badly needed supplies to Gettysburg himself. She found him hard at work, his sleeves rolled up like a laborer, loading crates, barrels, and the Commission’s tenting equipment onto a hired dray to transport them to the railroad station.
“I’m glad you’ve come,” Nathaniel said when he saw her. He set the box he carried onto the back of the wagon and dusted his hands on his trousers. “I was afraid I’d have to write you a note. I’m leaving shortly for Gettysburg.”
“I thought you might be. I’m going, too.”
He glanced around as if fearing someone might have overheard, then pulled Julia inside to his office. “I can’t let you do that. It isn’t proper. If we were already married it would be appropriate to have you come along and help me, but we’re not even officially engaged.”
“I’m not going to help
you,
” she said impatiently. “I’m trained as a nurse. They’re calling for volunteers. I’m going to help care for the wounded.”
“No. I can’t allow it.”
Julia stared at him, dumbstruck by his refusal. Why was he forbidding her to do the very thing he’d once claimed to admire? And what right did he have to forbid her to go in the first place?
“You are not my husband yet,” she said, barely controlling her temper. “It isn’t up to you to grant me permission. I’m going to Gettysburg, Nathaniel. My question is, may I travel with the Commission’s female volunteers, or should I look for another way to get there?”
He took a long moment to answer, and she knew he was battling his anger, too. “All of the Commission’s female volunteers are either married or widowed. You’re single.”
Ever since Nathaniel had proposed, Julia wondered if she should confess her original motives to him and admit that she had lied about being married in order to become a nurse. Seeing his reaction now and his puzzling opposition, she knew that confessing would be a mistake. She wanted to go and couldn’t risk him stopping her.
“I know I’m single,” she replied. “I was single when I worked on the battlefields at Antietam and Fredericksburg, and I was single when you and I worked together on the hospital ship on the Peninsula. How is this any different?”
“Because you’re going to be my wife. I feel protective of you and your reputation.”
“Are you sure you don’t mean
your
reputation?”
She could tell by Nathaniel’s reaction that her outspokenness had stunned him. She wondered if he would change his mind about marrying her. She thought it ironic that she had become a nurse to win his admiration and now her commitment to nursing might cause her to lose him. She pushed aside her anger to plead with him.
“Listen, I feel called to go. My work is important to me, just as your work is important to you. The fact that I am single, with no husband or children to bind me, is what gives me the freedom to serve those in need. Please, Nathaniel, let’s not argue about it. May I travel with the Commission, or should I look for another means of getting there?”
He looked away, his face cold. “Since you’ve reminded me that I’m not yet in a position to dictate to you, then I must ask if you have your father’s permission.”
“He knows you’re a trustworthy man. And the Christian Commission’s reputation is well-known. There’s no question of impropriety.”
“Then I guess I have no choice,” he said stiffly. “Our train to Hanover leaves in about three hours. Now please excuse me. I have a lot of work to do.” He turned to leave, but she held his arm, stopping him.
“Are you angry with me?”
“A little,” he said, not meeting her gaze. “But I’ll get over it.”
Phoebe lifted the soldier’s head and held the tin cup of wine to his lips. “Here you go, see if you can swallow a little bit of this. I know you’re hurting, and I wish we had something stronger, but this is all we got for now.”