Fire by Night (46 page)
“Yes, and ever since the war began, you’ve been given an extraordinary amount of freedom for a woman of your social standing. But when we’re married …Scripture commands the husband to be the head of the household. The wife is commanded to submit to him. I need to know if you believe that. Or if you intend to defy me the way you’re defying your father. Because my home will be run according to God’s law.”
“
Our
home,” she whispered.
“Pardon?”
“Nothing.” This was the way marriage was for every couple Julia knew. She had been raised to expect nothing different. She loved Nathaniel. He was a godly man, not a tyrant. The war would end, and nurses would no longer be needed. Things would go back to the way they’d been since Adam and Eve. Nathaniel would no longer need to feel threatened by her strong will.
“Of course that’s the way our home will be,” she said. “I won’t defy you. In our marriage vows, won’t I be promising before God to obey you?”
“And a husband vows to protect his wife,” he said. “That’s all I’m trying to do.”
“I know. But neither of us has taken those vows yet. I’m serving God here. We can trust Him to look after me, can’t we?”
He nodded reluctantly. Julia saw some of the tension in his body ease. Neither of them spoke for a long moment. Then Julia said, “Please don’t be angry with me. We may not see each other for a while.”
He sighed. “I’m not angry.” Some of the warmth returned to his eyes, but his face was somber.
Julia wanted him to hold her, to reassure her. She longed to know what it felt like to have his strong arms surrounding her and to rest her head against his shoulder. They were relatively alone, sheltered behind the last tent in the row. She moved a step closer.
“Will I see you again before you leave?” she asked, gazing up at him.
“Probably not.”
She wanted him to kiss her. Instead, he took her hand and pressed it.
“Good-bye, Julia.”
Julia stared out of the window as the train slowed. The familiar sights of Philadelphia were all sliding past, but she felt no joy in returning home. With her work in Gettysburg finished, the heavy sadness that had weighed on her when she first came home from Washington settled over her once again. Her growing relationship with Nathaniel had helped lift the shadow for a while, but now she was quite certain that she had lost him.
Nathaniel hadn’t answered any of the letters she’d sent from Gettysburg. She knew he’d been angry with her for going there in the first place and angry with her all over again for staying behind. He had surely changed his mind about marrying her after learning how outspoken and strong-willed she was. And he obviously hadn’t believed her when she’d promised to be a submissive wife. Convinced she had lost him, Julia had spent the long journey wondering what she would do with herself once she was home.
But when her train finally pulled into the station late that afternoon, Julia saw Nathaniel standing on the platform. Her heart squeezed at the sight of him. The gloomy train station was filled with people, but he stood out in the noisy, jostling mob as if lit by a beam of sunlight. She quickly looked around for her parents, thinking Nathaniel must be meeting someone else, but her parents weren’t there. As the conductor helped Julia off the train, Nathaniel spotted her and a broad smile lit up his handsome face. He pushed his way toward her and lightly kissed her cheek in greeting. She was afraid she might cry.
“Do you have any baggage?” he shouted above the clamor of hissing steam and excited voices.
“No, I came with only these two.” She showed him the two satchels she carried, one in each hand. He took the bags from her.
“Take my arm so we won’t get separated,” he said. She linked her arm through his as they plowed through the crowd to the street outside. She was surprised to see her family’s coachman waiting at the curb. Nathaniel had come in her father’s carriage.
“There is so much to tell you,” Nathaniel said after they’d settled inside. “I hardly know where to begin.”
“I’ve missed you,” she said. “Did you get my letters?”
“Yes, I got them.” But he offered no explanation for not answering them as his words poured out in a rush of excitement. “Julia, I’ve spoken to your father. He has given me his permission to marry you. We have his blessing.” He seemed nervous suddenly, the first time she’d ever seen him that way. He dug in one pocket, then the next, then finally looked relieved when he found what he was searching for in the inside pocket of his jacket. His fingers shook slightly as he opened the small box and removed a ring. He took her hand. “Will you marry me, Julia?”
“Yes, yes, yes!”
She could scarcely contain her joy. She watched his face as he looked down to slide the ring onto her finger and saw that he was blushing. She wanted so badly to throw her arms around his neck and kiss him, but she waited. He finally looked up at her again. They were alone in the enclosed carriage. They were going to be man and wife. Nathaniel leaned toward Julia and briefly pressed his lips to hers. Then he settled back in his seat once more.
Was that all? Julia struggled to hide her disappointment. They had been apart for two months, he had just asked her to marry him, and all Nathaniel had to offer her was a quick, chaste kiss? She didn’t want to remember the passion of James’ kiss, didn’t want to think about him ever again, but Nathaniel was making it very difficult to forget.
“Your parents would like to announce our engagement at a formal party that will be held in your home,” he said. “I believe your mother has already begun making the arrangements. I’ve asked my father and mother to come from New York for the event so that everyone can get acquainted. We will also be announcing our engagement to my congregation with a small reception.” Nathaniel recited these plans as if organizing some mundane event, not their engagement. Julia could barely restrain her excitement.
“How soon will we be married?” she asked.
He frowned slightly. “Well, that’s something we need to discuss. I suppose you’ve heard about the Federal draft call that was issued this summer?”
“Yes, of course. When I was in Gettysburg, I read in the newspaper about the awful riots in New York.” All men between the ages of twenty and forty-five had been enrolled in the military draft, and when the first names had been selected in New York City, bloody rioting had broken out. Rosalie’s husband had paid a three hundred dollar commutation fee to be excused from military service, but the average man couldn’t afford such a high price. Julia felt a tremor of fear. “What does the draft have to do with us?”
“I’ve decided not to wait to be drafted. I’m going to enlist.”
“
No!”
she cried. “Nathaniel, you
can’t
!” All of the horrors that Julia had witnessed on the battlefield, all of the bloodied, suffering, dying men, came back to her in an instant. The mutilated bodies all had Nathaniel’s face. She couldn’t breathe. The carriage seemed to spin in circles until she was certain she was going to be sick.
“Wait, Julia …listen. I’m sorry; I should have explained it better. I’ll be an army chaplain, not a soldier. Listen…” He gripped her shoulders, shaking her slightly. “Don’t faint on me. You’re quite pale. Are you all right?”
“You won’t be fighting?”
“I’ll be assigned to a regiment, and I’ll be marching and camping in the field with the men but not as a combatant.”
Julia had been to enough battlefields to know that enemy artillery shells could strike the men in the rear as easily as those on the front lines. “Please don’t do this,” she begged. “My father will pay for your substitute if you’re drafted. Please…”
“It’s too late. I’ve already arranged to enlist. I want to go, Julia.”
She closed her eyes, struggling for control. “How soon are you leaving?”
“Not for a few months. Are you all right?”
She nodded weakly. “We’ll be married before you go, won’t we?”
He hesitated for a long moment. “No. That wouldn’t be fair to you. How can I be a proper husband to you when I’m hundreds of miles away? And my army pay will be even worse than my minister’s salary.”
“I don’t care. Other married men have left their wives to go to war. Besides, I’m sure my father will provide for me—”
“No. I won’t marry you until I can provide for you myself.” The sharpness in his voice silenced her. She longed to plead with him not to make her wait. She didn’t care about money. She wanted their new life to begin now. But Nathaniel had already made it clear that he would make all their decisions. Arguing with him would only make him angry.
“So we’ll have to wait until your enlistment is up?” she asked.
“Yes, three years from now. Unless the war ends sooner.”
She drew a deep breath. “I’ll feel so useless waiting here all alone while you’re away. Would it be all right with you if I went back to Washington and worked in the hospital in the meantime?”
He shook his head. “I talked with your father about that when I asked for your hand. He and I agreed that you’ve done more than your share of work for the war effort. Neither of us wants you to return to nursing.”
A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away. “I wouldn’t be nursing for ‘the war effort.’ On the night that my first patient died, I felt God’s blessing on my work. I felt Him say that what I did ‘for the least of these’ I was doing for Him.”
“And Jesus also said that even a cup of cold water given in His name is enough. He is just as pleased with the charity work you do here.”
“There’s an army hospital here in Philadelphia,” she said hopefully. “I could volunteer—”
“No. Our engagement will be announced soon. It’s out of the question for you to spend so much time in the company of so many men. Especially here in Philadelphia, where you would be seen by people we know.”
“But you said you admired me for being a nurse, for being caring and compassionate. If that’s what you loved about me, why are you forbidding me to be those very things?”
“Because my parishioners have clear expectations about their minister’s wife. You’ve attended this church your entire life, Julia. You move in the same social circles as these men and women. And you know very well that they don’t approve of your work as a nurse. I want to return here after the war, to this church, and it’s very important that my congregation accepts you. Besides, there are ways for you to be the compassionate, caring woman I admire and still remain within the boundaries of your role as my wife.”
“The people at church don’t understand what nurses do—”
“I know, and we’re not going to change their minds. There are other duties for women that have long been accepted by our society. They involve the home and the family, respectable charities, helping the poor, the work you’ve done for the Commission. You can serve God by doing those things.”
She gazed down at her hand, still in his, and at the new ring he’d just placed on her finger. When she didn’t reply, he lifted her chin to make her look at him.
“I’m sorry there are so many restrictions. A minister’s life is lived under constant scrutiny. I must be above reproach, without even a glimmer of impropriety in anything I do or say. You’re not only giving up a large measure of your wealth but also a large measure of your privacy if you marry me. And I’m asking you to wait three more years, besides. I won’t blame you if you change your mind about marrying me, Julia. I’ll be disappointed, but I’ll understand. Do you still want to accept my proposal?”
“I haven’t changed my mind. I still want to marry you.” But she also knew from what he’d just said about living under scrutiny and being above reproach that she would have to wait three more years before he held her or kissed her the way she longed for him to do. He was more virtuous and self-disciplined than she was, willing to “separate the sparks from the gunpowder.” That knowledge only made her feel guiltier for what she still felt for James.
Nathaniel smiled. She saw relief and love in his eyes. “I’m so blessed to have a wife who wants to serve God,” he said. “We’ll have the rest of our lives to minister together once this war is over. I promise.”
It was cold inside the church, colder still outside in the snowcovered city. The gray, drab day matched the raw, desolate feeling in Julia’s heart as she sat in the Hoffman family pew between her parents. The organ droned the processional, and the senior pastor entered with Nathaniel and the young ministerial candidate who would replace him. Nathaniel wore his new army uniform, decorated with the chaplain’s insignia, instead of his clerical robes. This morning he would preach his last sermon before entering the military. He was leaving early tomorrow morning.
Throughout the first part of the service, Julia’s mind felt as numb as her cold hands and feet. If she prayed night and day for the next three years, would it be enough to protect Nathaniel from the danger he was about to face? She thought of the thousands of soldiers she had tended, of the thousands of loved ones they’d left behind, and for the first time she understood the anxiety those families felt. She fingered her wadded handkerchief and tried to remember all the assurances Nathaniel had given her over the past few weeks. “The safest place to be,” he’d told her, “is in the will of God.”