Fire Down Below (30 page)

“It all sounds
so
civilized,”
Suzy says, when I tell her about what happened between me and Ben. “No yelling
or objects being thrown. What kind of break-up is that?”

“There was that glass of water I
threw in his face.”

She gives me a droll smile. “Well,
I guess that’s
something
. Are you sure you guys are even broken up? It
doesn’t sound definite enough.”

“I gave the ring back, how much
more definite do you want? Besides I can’t imagine us getting married anymore.”

“Really? You don’t seem that upset
about it.”

I shrug my shoulders.

It’s weird, but I’m not that upset.
Maybe it’s because I’ve gone through it once before and a part of me was
expecting it. I don’t know. What I do know is that I feel light and free and
not at all shattered like the last time Ben and I broke up.

After that night when I gave him
his ring back, I called in sick to work for the rest of the week, but instead
of crying or drowning my sorrows in a vat of ice cream sandwiches, I’ve been playing
with Photoshop software on my computer and listening to Billie Holiday CD’s. Mostly
I feel like a great burden has been lifted from me. What’s even crazier is I
don’t feel angry towards Ben for getting involved with Heather. Okay, maybe that’s
not entirely true. I do feel angry about that. He shouldn’t have gone out with
her behind my back, but I don’t feel resentful like you think I would. In some
ways I even understand it.

I haven’t told my parents about
our breakup yet because I’m worried they’ll cancel their trip to stay home with
me for Christmas. Lauren invited me to fly down to California and spend the holidays
with her and Paul, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that. I know I’d be
too much of a third wheel. Suzy invited me to spend it at her parent’s house, but
I’m sure Nina has invited Declan and watching the two of them together would be
worse than spending Christmas alone, which is what I’ve finally decided to do.

I figure—how bad could it be? I’ll
put on some good music, rev up my espresso machine, and spend the day on my
computer. I’ve been coming up with some cool ideas for creating art using mixed
media.

Suzy and Lauren have been calling
and stopping in all week to check on me and make sure I’m okay. They’re both
concerned that I’m in denial and that I’m going to start freaking out at any
second. I keep wondering if they’re right. It is odd that I’m not heartbroken or
sticking pins into a Ben voodoo doll. Instead this bizarre thought keeps going
through my head.

Ben has given me a gift.

It isn’t until Declan shows up on
my doorstep Friday afternoon that I feel my equanimity rattled.   

“Hey,” he says, looking me over
with a concerned expression. “Are you okay? I just heard what happened.”

“I’m fine.”

“Why didn’t you call me?” He
follows me into the living room. “I know you have Suzy and Lauren, but I like
to think I’m someone you can lean on too.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” In truth I’m
not sure why I haven’t called Declan. I guess I didn’t want it to look like I
was running to him, especially after what Ben said about the two of us.

We sit down on opposite ends of the
couch. Declan’s wearing dark slacks and a gray button-down shirt beneath his
heavy wool coat. I’ve noticed he’s more put together these days for work,
meeting clients and such. I feel so attracted to him that I have to turn my
head away, certain he’ll see.

“I understand you haven’t been to
work all week. I was worried about you when I heard that. Are you really all
right Kate?”

“I called in sick, but I’m doing
fine. How did you hear about all this? From Nina?”

“No, your friend Suzy just called and
told me what’s been going on. I had no idea. I left work immediately to come over
here.”

“You didn’t have to do that.” Though
a small part of me is thrilled that he did—that I’m important enough for him to
drop everything.

“I have to admit, you don’t seem
upset or like you’ve been crying.” His blue eyes scan me.

“No, it’s weird, but I haven’t
cried at all.”

“So what have you been doing all
this time?”

I grin and a bubble of laughter
escapes me. I almost feel embarrassed that I’m so cheerful. I hope this isn’t a
delusional state I’m in.

“I’ve been playing around with graphics
software on my computer and have come up with some interesting ideas using paint
and digital images.”

“And that’s what you’ve been doing
all week?”

I nod. “That and listening to Billie
Holiday.”

A smile plays around the edges of
Declan’s mouth. “I didn’t know your taste in music ran that way.”

“I guess she’s grown on me.” I say
this quietly, thinking of the night I listened to her at Declan’s apartment. I
remember how much I wanted him then. I thought it was the alcohol making me
feel that way, but I know now that it wasn’t. Maybe it is time to start being
honest with myself.

“I can burn some CD’s for you if
you’d like.”

“That would be great.”

Declan grins at me and then leans
back against the couch, resting his arm on the back cushion. “Christ, I blazed
over here, thinking you were in trouble, but I’m glad to see I had nothing to worry
about. Have you told your parents yet about you and Ben?”

“No.” And after I explain my
reason for not doing so, Declan gets a frown on his face.

“So you’re planning on spending
Christmas alone?”

I shrug. “It’ll be fine. I’m a big
girl now, I can handle it.”

He studies me as if he’s thinking
something over. “Why don’t you come to Ireland with me?”

“What?” I look at him in surprise.
“What do you mean?”

“I mean you invited me to spend
Thanksgiving with you, why don’t you let me return the favor? Come spend
Christmas with me.”

“But I thought you weren’t going
this year because you couldn’t leave things at work.”

“No, it’s fine.” He waves his hand,
dismissing this. “We’ve got coverage. I’m leaving for Dublin next week.
Seriously Kate, why don’t you fly over too?”

“I can’t do that.”

 “Why not?”

I think of all the reasons I can’t
possibly drop everything and fly off to Ireland. And the funny thing is I can’t
come up with a single thing.

“Well, there’s work,” I finally manage
to say. “I’ve been calling in sick all week and if I take more time off they’ll
probably fire me.”

Declan shrugs. “So what? I’ll give
you a job. You’ll come and work with me.”    

I think about this. I doubt they’d
fire me for wanting to take more time off, but the thought of working with
Declan sounds appealing.

“You should do that anyway,” he
continues. “I’ll let you work part time so you can pursue artist jobs.”

“Would you really do that?”

“Of course.”

I think about how much it would
cost me to get a plane ticket overseas on such short notice. I do have savings
though.

“So what do you say?” he asks with
a grin. “Shall I call my mother and tell her to expect an extra guest?”

“I’ve never been to Ireland.”

“I
know
and what a terrible
shame that ‘tis,” Declan says, putting on what he calls his Lucky Charm’s
voice. “The most beautiful country on God’s green earth, the land of fairies
and enchantment, the place I was born and lived as a wee
laddie and—b’jaysus,
begorrah.
You’ve
never even seen it!”

I giggle. “I guess that’s a shame,
isn’t it?”

“To be sure, darlin’.” He makes a
tsk, tsk sound.

“All right,” I sigh. “I know how
painful it is for you to speak in that horrible stage Irish. I’d better say yes,
before it gets any worse.” I watch as Declan starts singing the Lucky Charms
song in a silly voice.

“So people in Ireland don’t really talk
like that do they?” I ask, grinning when he’s finished.

“Only the leprechauns.”

***

As I predicted, they aren’t too
thrilled at work when I ask for more time off. I wind up sitting in Greg’s
office listening to him drone on about how they’re already short staffed for
the holidays and how I need to show them I can be relied on. I nod my head, but
the more he talks about accountability and pulling my weight, the more I get
angry. I’ve been working my butt off these past few months and what’s more,
because they still haven’t filled the position that Declan left open,
I’ve
been filling it. When he talks about how if I really want this promotion I need
to show them I can handle the responsibility, I can’t stop myself from
snorting.

“Excuse me,” Greg says. “Do you
have something to add?”

“Yes, I do. You haven’t bothered
to give the promotion to anyone because I’m already doing the job for you and
have been since Declan left. The fact is you guys are taking advantage of me.
I’m doing the work, but I haven’t gotten the title or the salary increase.”

“Now Kate, let’s not get emotional.
I’ve already given you a week off because your boyfriend broke up with you, and
now you want two more weeks off on top of that? Let’s be reasonable.”

I grit my teeth. “What’s
unreasonable is that I’m working sixty hours a week as the active manager,
while still doing my regular job, and no one cares. Well I care and I’m sick of
it. I’m taking these two weeks off. I have the vacation coming to me anyway.”

Greg shakes his head as if I were
a child. “I’ll give you a week,” he says finally. “A week for Christmas. I
think that’s fair.”

I know he thinks I’m going to lie
down like I always do. “No,” I say quietly, my voice like steel. “I’m taking
the full two weeks. I’ll be back to work after the New Year. And what’s more,
I’ll be expecting that promotion along with the same salary that my predecessor
received.”

“Are you threatening me? Because
let me tell you I don’t respond well to ultimatums.”

“Now Greg, let’s not get emotional,”
I say. “No one’s threatening you. I’ve been the acting manager for months, so
clearly I’m capable of handling the responsibility. I’m only telling you what I
believe is fair and reasonable. You do consider yourself a reasonable person,
don’t you?”

He picks up his coffee cup and
takes a sip. I can see he’s trying to act casual, but I know he’s fuming. I
also know that I’m a good worker and they need me. “All right, I didn’t realize
this was so important to you. Take your two weeks.” He turns back towards his
computer, a move that’s supposed to indicate dismissal.

I don’t budge from my chair
though. “I’m not kidding about the promotion.”

“Fine,” he says, “you’ll be
promoted when you get back. We need to fill that position anyway. It’s been
open too long.”

I smile at him. “Thank you.” Gee,
I got everything I wanted and all I had to do was act like a bitch. I stand up
and walk towards the door. “And by the way,” I say before leaving, “just so you
have your facts straight. My boyfriend didn’t break up with me. I broke up with
him
.”

***

When I go over to my parent’s
house on Sunday and tell them that I’m going to spend Christmas in Ireland,
they don’t even seem surprised. Well, that’s not true. My dad seems surprised, but
my mom gets a funny little grin on her face.

“What about Ben?” my dad asks.

“We broke up,” I say quietly. “And
before you say anything, let me reassure you that I’m okay with it. I’ve come
to realize it’s all for the best. I don’t want you to change your trip or
anything.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, absolutely sure. I won’t be
here anyway.”

“Okay.” My gives me a hug. “I’m
sorry to hear that things didn’t work out between you and Ben. I’m glad that
you’re all right though. You know we’re here for you and will do whatever you
want.”

“I know.”

“And so, now you’re involved with...Declan?”
he asks.

“No, we’re just friends. He
invited me to stay with him and his family in Dublin for the holidays and I
thought it might be fun.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll have a
terrific time. Declan seems like a very nice young man.”

I grin. Declan is thirty-seven
years old, though I’m sure he’ll be delighted when I tell him that my dad was
calling him a nice young man.

Later when my mom and I are alone
in the kitchen and I’m helping her clean up the dinner dishes she asks me what really
happened with Ben. I tell her the whole story, including the scene at the
restaurant. She gets angry when I tell her about Heather, but then laughs when
I tell her about throwing water in Ben’s face.

I finish rinsing a plate and place
it in the dishwasher. “Please don’t say I told you so. Even though it’s ended,
I don’t feel like it was a mistake that we got back together again.”

“I wasn’t thinking that. I was
thinking about how we can’t go back in time, can we? As much as we may like to
sometimes. I must say I’m relieved that you’re not upset by all this.”

 “No, I’m fine. Maybe it’s because
I’ve already been through it once before—you know?”

She nods, dumping some leftover
potatoes into a plastic bowl. “And now you’re traveling to Ireland.”

“For Christmas.”

She gets that funny smile on her
face again. I wait for her to say something, but she just keeps smiling. “I
like Declan,” is all she finally says.

“Me too.”

“He’s solid. I think he’d be good
for you.”

I laugh. “I know where you’re
going with this, but I should tell you that he has a girlfriend.”

She puts a stack of clean dishes
on the counter. “He does? He never mentioned her.”

“Well they haven’t been going out
long.”

 Who is she?”

“Nina.”

“That name is familiar, but I
can’t put it with a face.”

“You know—Suzy’s older sister?”

“The one that looks like a movie
star?”

“Yes,” I groan. “Though I always
thought she looked more like a supermodel.”

My mom wraps up some leftover
carrots and puts them in the fridge. “I wouldn’t worry about her. I’m guessing
that will be over soon enough.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Because I saw the way he looks at
you.” She stops what she’s doing and turns to me. “Declan’s in love with you.
Didn’t you know that?”

I stare at her. My mother, the
oracle, has spoken. I feel a warm glow of excitement spreading through me. Is
it possible she’s right? “He loves me, but I don’t know if he’s
in
love
with me. Maybe that’s what you’re picking up on.”

She smiles. “Trust me. I know what
I’m talking about.”

I’m silent as I ponder her words. Is
Declan really in love with me? I’m amazed by how much I want this to be true.
“He’s never said anything to me along those lines—ever. You’d think by now he
would have.”

She nods knowingly. “He will.”

My mom asks me how things are
going at work.  I tell her about my meeting with Greg and how I finally got
what I wanted, but that I had to act like a bitch to get it.

“That’s not being a bitch. You
were being assertive. Men do it all the time. And we certainly don’t say they’re
acting like a bitch—do we?”

“No, we say they’re acting like a bastard.”

She laughs. “True enough. But not
in a situation like this, where you’re simply stating what you know you’re
worth. You did the right thing not letting them push you around.”

“Yeah, it did feel good demanding what
I wanted for a change instead of always
asking
for it.”