First Bitten (13 page)

“
Hmm.” He lifts his dripping hands out of the water and grabs a towel.

I feel a flash of anger. How anyone could have hurt her, how anyone could hurt any other living creature, is completely beyond me. What gives someone the right to do whatever they want to others? I start to feel a tightness in my chest, bad memories threatening to invade. I take a deep breath in. “How did you come to get her?” I ask him.

“
An old friend works for the RSPCA. She told me about Honor. I adopted her.”

An old friend, a girlfriend maybe. I feel a twinge inside my stomach.

It takes me a moment to find my voice. “Well, I’m glad your friend got her away from those horrible people and that you adopted her,” I say, ignoring whatever it is that’s going on with me tonight.

Nathan comes over to Honor and starts checking her swollen stomach with his hands. He looks up at me, his eyes wide and serious. “Time to get this foal out.”

Then everything moves really quickly.

I talk to Honor, trying to keep her calm, while Nathan attempts to deliver her baby. It’s hard and stressful, mainly for Nathan. I can tell he is really worried, even beneath his hard, calm exterior.

“
Okay,” Nathan puffs breathlessly from the other end of Honor, “I’ve got my hands on it. Keep her as still as possible while I pull it out.”

I take a firm hold of Honor’s head collar with both my hands. Steadying myself, I press my feet into the floor. I look straight into her black glossy eyes. She looks terrified. “Don’t worry,” I whisper to her, “your baby will be fine. Nathan won’t let anything happen to it.”

Nathan starts to pull, Honor shunts me forward, and I nearly lose my footing. “Keep her still,” he yells at me.

I steady myself again and hold her face close to me. She’s breathing heavily into my arm, her hot breath scorching my skin. “Just stay still. A few more seconds girl, that’s all,” I whisper gently in her ear.

“
Got it.” Nathan lets out a sound of relief.

I glance past Honor to see Nathan down on his knees. A foal is his arms. Ignoring the fact it’s covered in blood, and other questionable things, I watch, holding my breath, while Nathan rubs the foal over vigorously with a towel.

“
Can I do anything?” I ask, worried.

He shakes his head, looking up at me through the mess of hair that’s fallen over his eyes. “No need. The foal’s fine.” A smile edges his face.

It’s my turn to let out a sound of relief. “See, I told you your baby would be fine,” I utter to Honor. Letting go of her, she turns and goes straight over to where Nathan sits with her new baby.

Nathan puts the foal down and gets to his feet, leaving them to it. “Well done, girl,” he says, patting Honor on her back as he walks past her.

I watch with fascination as the foal tries to get to grips with its gangly legs. That’s all it is, long legs and this cute, skinny little body.

It’s crazy to think there’s new life in this room and I have had a little helping hand in making it happen. For a moment I actually feel of use, like I have a purpose again.

I don’t know what to do with the feeling. Shoving it away, I go over to Nathan who’s crouched down, washing his gunged-up hands and arms in the bucket. His clothes are covered in blood and gore. Then I realise I never felt the urge to feed at all, I never even gave it a second thought. Maybe it was the stress and intensity of the moment keeping my mind occupied and away from the blood. Well, whatever it was, I’m thankful for it and I feel a momentary sense of victory over the monster inside me.

“
So what we got, a boy or a girl?” I tip my head in the foal’s direction.

“
A girl.” He picks up a towel and dries his hands on it. “You wanna name her?”

I look at him wide-eyed. His eyes hold mine with a surprising amount of depth to them. “You want me to name her?” I edge out just to make sure I haven’t heard him wrong.

“
Wouldn’t say so if I didn’t mean it,” he drawls, getting to his feet. He picks up the dirty towels and bucket of water, and walks out the stable without another word.

Was Nathan actually just being nice to me then? I lean up against the wall and look over at Honor, getting distracted by the foal as it tries to get to grips with feeding. It’s endearing to watch.

The foal is really cute. I know all foals are cute but this one has to the cutest one ever. It’s got chestnut fuzzy hair and a white mane. She’s the complete contrast to Honor’s dark colour, all bright and colourful.

“
How they doing?” Nathan asks, coming back in the stable.

“
Fine. The foal’s having her first meal.”

Nathan leans up against the wall next to me and folds his arms across his chest. He lets out a long, noticeable breath.

I turn my head to look at him. “You look tired,” I observe.

“
Mmm,” he murmurs, letting his eyes close for a long blink.

“
Why don’t you go to bed? I can stay here with them both,” I offer.

“
Nah, no need.”

He still doesn’t trust me to leave me alone with them. I thought I’d already proved I have no intention of hurting them. I feel my hackles rise. “I’m not going to hurt them if you leave me alone with them,” I bite, a clear edge to my voice.

He glances sideways at me, giving me a hard stare. “I know you won’t.” His tone is equally as acerbic as mine. “They’ll be fine on their own. The foal is feeding so I’m happy. We can both go get some sleep.”

“
Oh,” I say, the wind blown out of my angry sails.

Nathan pushes off the wall and goes over to Honor. “Proud of you, girl.” He takes her face in his hands, patting her affectionately, then he walks past me and opens the stable door, waiting for me to go through first.

“
Bye, Honor. Bye, Honor’s baby,” I murmur before leaving.

Nathan bolts the door, locking them safely in for the night. The air has got significantly chillier while we’ve been in the stable. I rub my bare arms with my hands, trying to generate warmth.

“
You cold?” Nathan asks.

“
A bit.”

“
I’d offer you my top, but … ” he gestures down at his blood stained sweatshirt.

“
One for the bin?”

He nods, laughing lightly. We continue to walk side by side in silence.

“
So, have you picked a name for the foal yet?” Nathan inquires, breaking the silence.

I have actually.

“
Hope,” I say, giving him a quick glance.

“
Hope.” He nods. “Yeah, I like it.” I feel secretly pleased that I’ve actually got something right. “Oh, and thanks, Alex,” he adds in a casual tone, “for your help. I know how hard it must have been for you but you did real good, and I couldn’t have done it without you.” He looks at me and smiles. A genuine smile. It lights up his whole face, even in this darkness.

And without realising, I smile back. It blindsides me. I’m so shocked at the sensation that I touch a finger to my lips to see if it’s real. And for these few seconds all my pain and self-hatred just drift away.

But I quickly remind myself, reprimand myself. Happiness is not something I deserve.

“
No problem,” I mutter dismissively, letting the self-hatred flood back in.

Wrapping my arms around myself, I look up at the sky. There’s a star out which has managed to break through the darkness, lighting up its small part of the sky. One single solitary star. And for a moment, I wonder if the world is actually trying to tell me something.

Chapter 11

Knee Deep

“
He wants us to what?”

“
Muck out the stable.” Sol’s face breaks into a grin.

I like it when Sol smiles. It lights up everything around him and it’s almost, in a way, as if he’s smiling for me too.

I glance from his grinning face over the stable door and down at the waiting mess. There’s horse manure and dirty straw everywhere.

“
Does Nathan always give you the shit jobs, pardon the pun, or is it just because I’m helping you out?”

Sol laughs heartily. He has one of those contagious sounding laughs. It almost makes me laugh too. Almost.

“
Nah, Nate does his fair share,” he says. “Well more than that really. It’s just my turn, nothing whatsoever to do with you. You just lucked out is all when you offered your kind services.”

I made the fatal error of offering my help today when I heard over breakfast that Cal wasn’t coming in to work today because he’s sick. It was a half-hearted offer on my part I didn’t think Sol would take me up on. How wrong was I? And looking at all of this, I wish I’d kept my mouth shut.

Honor, seeing me, wanders over and pokes her head over the top of the stable door. “Morning, beautiful.” I stroke her face. She nudges my shoulder gently with her nose. She’s expecting food. I always bring something with me when I come to visit.

I’m just about to get her apple out my jacket pocket, when Sol asks, “Would you mind putting the girls out into the paddock while I get the wheelbarrow and pitchforks. Oh, and I’ll get you a pair of wellies,” he adds, looking down at my trainer clad feet.

“
Sure,” I say.

“
Cheers,” he replies, walking away.

I turn back to Honor, giving her my full attention. “Don’t worry, I didn’t forget.” I get the apple out of my pocket and hold it out in my palm for her to take. She gently takes it and begins happily munching away on it. I wipe the saliva gift she’s left on my hand onto the back of my jeans.

Hope, seeing her mother eating, trots over to me, worried she’s missing out. “Don’t worry, baby, I brought you one too.” I offer Hope her apple and she swipes it greedily from my hand. I smile.

I do smile now, occasionally, but not intentionally. I try and stop them if I know they’re coming, because for every smile that lasts a few seconds, I feel an hour’s worth of guilt. I don’t mean to feel happiness, just sometimes it creeps up on me without my realising.

I reach over to get Honor’s head collar off the hook beside the stable door and see Sol is still here. He’s standing at the end of the stable, casually leaning against it, watching me.

“
Hi,” I say, uncomfortable. He doesn’t look embarrassed I’ve caught him staring, as I would.

“
She really likes you, you know.” He nods his head forward.

“
Honor?” I say, casting a glance in her direction.

“
Mmm.” He nods again. “She’s funny about who she trusts, you know, with her having been badly treated 'n’ all, but you she definitely likes.”

It’s nice to hear that Honor likes me, that she trusts me enough to like me. I’m just about to thank him for saying so, when he adds, “She’s a bit like Nathan in that respect.”

“
What?” I ask confused, ignoring the fact he hasn’t once looked away from my face.

He pushes off the stable and stands up straight. “Picky about who they like.”

“
Oh.” I scuff my trainer against the concrete path, looking down. He doesn’t need to remind me Nathan doesn’t like me. It’s a fact I’m already well aware of. Not that it matters either way.

“
Nathan does like you,” he says as if reading my thoughts.

“
Now I know you’re lying.” I give a little awkward laugh for effect.

“
Don’t be so sure.”

I look up in time to catch sight of him disappearing down the side of the stable.

I stare after him for a moment, confused, feeling out of tune, like I’m missing out on something important.

Honor gives a sharp neigh, demanding my attention, bringing me back round. “Okay, girl, I’m all yours.” I slip her head collar on and fasten it up.

She’s eager to be out of the stable, so I keep hold of her by the collar and open the stable door. She’s out in a flash, pulling me along with her. I clip the lead to her head collar and start to jog with her out into the sunshine. Hope comes trotting out behind her mother, her tail high, looking proud and incredibly cute. I jog at Honor’s side to keep up with her and keep a watchful eye on Hope to make sure she doesn’t go wandering off.

I slow Honor down to a walk as we approach the paddock gate. I lift the latch, push the gate wide open and walk them both in. Closing the gate behind me, I put the latch back on, then slip Honor’s head collar off.

“
Go have some fun.” I pat her affectionately on her back. She trots off, quickly picking up pace with Hope hot on her trail.

I come back out of the paddock, latch the gate behind me, and rest my arms upon it, watching Honor and Hope cantering around.

It’s been three weeks since Hope was born. After I got back to the house the night she was born, I went straight up to my room, climbed into bed and slept for seven hours straight, completely dream, well nightmare, free. That hadn’t happened since I’d arrived. When I woke, I felt slightly more normal than I had in a long time, so I got out of bed, showered, got dressed, and before I knew it my feet were taking me out of the house and I was heading straight for the stables.

The further away I walked from the house, and the closer to Honor and Hope I got, I started to feel a sense of calm washing over me. I liked the feeling.