First (26 page)

Are you feeling lost? Alone? Unsure of your place in the world? Do you need someone to talk to? Our counselors are available 24 hours a day. Just dial 599 on your in room com unit and ask for Dr. James Scoffield.

What if I’m wrong? What if this isn’t what I think it is?
I take a deep breath.
I guess there’s only one way to find out.

I lean over to the buttons on the monitor next to my bed. “I need to make a phone call.”

“To whom may I direct your call?” A pleasant electronic voice, similar to the AVAS system, asks me.

“Extension five-nine-nine, please.”

“As you wish, sir.”

Am I making the right decision? What if I’m not? Will Mira be able to do—

“Good evening. D.C. Crisis Hotline, how may I help you?” A young woman answers. She’s not the person I’m looking for.

“I’d like to speak to Dr. James Scoffield, please.”

A pause. “Certainly, sir. I’ll put you right through.”

Ellie hugs me when she returns to my room. My arms are so heavy that I can barely lift them to wrap them around her.
Will she understand? Will she help the girl do what needs to be done? Am I doing the right thing?

“Have you heard the latest?” She sits in the chair beside my bed.

“In here?” I try for a smile and gesture to my quiet surroundings, but based on the look on her face, my levity doesn’t work. “It seems the doctors believe that any sort of outside contact might stress me out, make things progress quicker.” A painful coughing fit emphasizes my point. “They’ve cut off all contact with the outside world, except for you and the girl.”

“Well, this one’s not about Mira. There was another rebel attack last night.”

“On whom?”

“Julius.”

I raise my eyebrows. Another of the oldest of us, Julius is a Japanese physicist who named himself after the great emperor after his first procedure. “What happened?”

She purses her lips. “He had picked a young boy, Rico, to be his Second. Lifers bombed the hospital where they were.”

“He wasn’t at the Smith?”

“No, a private institution in Tokyo sponsored him, so he decided to have the Exchange there.”

“Was anyone hurt?”

“The boy was killed, along with two doctors. Julius hadn’t arrived yet. It happened right as he was getting into his transport pod.”

How terrified the boy must have been, alone with the building coming down around him
. “I take it the Lifers claimed the attack as their own?”

“Yes, though not the main group. They’re claiming it was one of the fringe arms of the rebellion, those who live on the outskirts and aren’t completely controlled by the main organization.”

“I didn’t think Julius was old enough to start looking for another Second.”

“He told Napoleon he wanted to get his done just in case this bill passed.”

“Is he going to choose another one?”

She nods. “He’s already scheduling more visits, one at the same farm where he chose Rico.”

I shake my head. “The boy was probably what, six? Seven? Julius had at least another decade before he’d be forced to take a Second.”

“No one is ever
forced
to take a Second.”

“I know that, it was a figure of speech. But no one forced the rebels to blow up that hospital, either.”

“I guess they figured the price was worth it.”

“Maybe we’re all just a bunch of serial killers. We’ve merely got private sponsorship and governmental immunity on our side.”

“Then, why are you doing it?” She links her hand with mine and traces her thumb along the pads of my fingers.

“Mira and I talked. She said that this Act was more important than her, than me, and that it needed to pass. It goes along with something she said at the farm about how she doesn’t want any other children to have to go through this.” I look down at my hands folding in my lap. Wrinkled and thin-skinned, spotted with dark patches and nearly transparent in others. They don’t look like hands that can change the world.

“But you don’t have to kill her to get it passed. Someone else can do it.”

“Do you want to see me die, woman?” She closes her eyes, and I know my words have cut her.

“Of course not. I love you. You know that, but none of us have the right to choose one life over another.”

“What if it’s one life over hundreds of thousands?”

“Even then, I wouldn’t want to be the one to choose. Are they really going to do it tomorrow?”

“Bright and early.”

“Then there’s nothing more I can say, is there?”

I shake my head. “No, I’m sorry. But thank you, Ellie, for everything you’ve done for me, everything you’ve been throughout the years. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

She leans down, kisses me softly on the forehead, much like a mother would kiss her child, then walks out, softly closing the door behind her.

A sea of little crosses comes to mind, stark and sadder than anything I’ve seen in a very long time. A teenage girl kneels before them, tears streaming down her face. I take a deep breath and push the button next to my bed.

“I’d like to place a call to the medical center, please.”

“Of course, sir.” As I wait for someone to come on, I reach over the side of the bed and dig my hands into the scruff of Ben’s neck. His tail thumps on the floor as I scratch.

“Smithsonian Medical Center. May I ask who is calling?”

“This is Socrates. I’d like to speak to head physician Ronald Adams, please.”

“Sure, sir, let me transfer you.” The line goes silent for a few seconds.

“Hello, Socrates. This is Dr. Adams. How may I help you? Everything is on schedule for your procedure, and we’re very excited to help you make this transition as smoothly and safely as possible.”

“I do have one request to make, and I apologize for it being at the last minute.”

He pauses. “Of course, sir. What is it?”

“I’ve grown partial to a particular doctor whom I’d like to have dispense my personal medication. Have you encountered this before?”

“Of course. Many Firsts favor certain physicians. What’s his name? I’ll let the other doctors know and clear him with security.”

“Dr. James Scoffield.” Sweat beads at the back of my neck. What if he refuses my request?

“Hmm. I can’t say I’ve heard of him. Are you sure? If he hasn’t participated in the procedure, we don’t want to risk anything going wrong. Our doctors have a great deal of experience, but we still don’t want to take any chances.”

“I can assure you that Dr. Scoffield is one of the premier doctors in his field, and I would feel most comfortable having him by my side. If he were unable to attend, for any reason, I’m not positive I’d be able to go through with it.”

“Then, it’s done, and we’ll also have plenty of other medical professionals on duty in case of emergency.”

“Great. Thank you, Dr. Adams.”
Can he hear the relief in my voice?
I smile, rubbing behind Ben’s ears.

“No problem. I’ll see you tomorrow morning, then?”

“Of course, thank you again.” The screen goes blank, and I lay back on my bed, hands folded in front of me.

Ben hops up and lays his head on my lap. With one hand, I stroke the top of his skull between his eyes. It’s his favorite spot. He melts, sinking into the bed. When I get to a certain spot at the base of his neck, his left rear leg kicks sporadically.

“You’re such a good boy, Ben.” His tail thumps. “The best friend I ever could have asked for. You’ve always been here for me. Helped me, the only one besides Ellie I can trust. I know—I know that it’s going to be hard but…” I stop petting him, and he tilts his head to look up at me. His big black eyes look deep into my soul. As if he knows exactly what I’m going to ask him.

“You’ll be—you’ll be good for Mira, won’t you, boy?” The dog sighs, almost as if in response, and wags his tail again.

“She’ll need your help. She’ll be all alone, and I won’t be here to tell her what to do. She won’t have anyone by her side.”

I shake my head. God, if only Ellie could hear me now, talking to a dog. I look back at Ben. He’s not just a dog. “You’ll be her rock, won’t you, boy?” My voice cracks and thick, sticky tears cloud my vision. “You’ll be the best dog ever for her, won’t you? She’s going to need you.”

Ben crawls up further on the bed so he’s right next to me, whines, and licks my hand.

“I’m going to miss you too, boy.” My voice cracks. “And I’m so, so sorry you can’t come with me. I’m so sorry I have to leave you behind. You’ve been my best friend since the day you wandered up to the house. Do you remember that day? Half-grown, half-starved, and covered in cactus burrs, you still came right up to me and sat by my feet.” I shake my head, a tear breaks free. Ben licks it away. His soft, thick tongue clears the pain. “I need you to be here. Be here for Mira. She’ll need you. Everyone needs a good dog by their side, Ben, and you’re one of the best. Right, buddy?” Ben lets out a little whine. “Definitely one of the best.”

As I’m about to drift away, the monitor beside my bed slides down and beeps.

“Hello?”
Who in the hell would be calling me this late at night?

“Good evening, Socrates, sir.” The voice is modulated, as if mechanically altered. “How’s the weather at the Smith?” My mind goes back to the man who brought me the contact information for the rebels. Maybe it’s him. That was something the boy said, too, the one who brought my dinner, something about the weather.

“Fine, sunny and not a cloud in the sky,” I say.

“Excellent. I heard it was going to rain soon.” Is he asking if I still want to go through with this?

“Not for a few weeks. I—I talked to a weatherman.”
Is that what they’re even called anymore? I’m really fishing here.
“And he said we’re all clear, right up through the Release tomorrow.” I’m no good at this subterfuge. Do they have scripts for this sort of thing?

“That’s what we’re hoping. It’s about time spring has come.”

I close my eyes, and Ellie’s face appears, then Adam’s, then Mira as she spoke to me while I was unable to wake. “I couldn’t agree more.”

Alone in the Forest

Mira

R
ight before five o’clock in
the morning, a young man dressed like a servant comes to my door.

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to wake you up, but you are requested in the medical center.” He looks down while he talks to me, his hands clenched behind his back, shifting from step to step. What is he nervous about? I take in my rumpled sleeping clothes, wild hair, and sleep-sticky eyes. I’m about the least scary person I’ve ever known.

“It’s fine,” I pause. “What’s your name?”

The young man gulps. “Flynn, ma’am.”

“Flynn,” I roll the name around on my tongue. “Call me Mira, please.”

“Ma’am, I—”

“Oh stop it. I’ve already been over the name thing with Will. Speaking of which…” I swing my feet over the side of the bed and stand up, yawning. “Where’s Will?”

“He’s, ahh, busy right now.”

I raise my eyebrows. “Really?” Hurt fills me. This is it. This would be the last time I’d get to see him, and he’s gone? I sigh.
Guess I don’t mean as much to him as he does to me.
“Look, if you’ll just give me a few minutes, I’ll clean up and meet you outside my room, all right?”

He nods. “That’s fine, Mira. I’ll be waiting outside.”

After I shower and get dressed, Flynn leads me to the Smith medical center. The room is a sterile, blinding white with a metal bed, chair, and cabinet. He picks up a thin white gown and hands it to me.

“This is an examination room. I need to leave you here when the doctors come—” A knock, a short staccato, interrupts his words. “If you’ll excuse me.” He flashes me a smile as he backs out. “It was a pleasure to meet you.”

What an odd guy. “Umm, you, too,” I say, but he’s already gone.

One of the doctors, a thick, burly older man with long flowing white hair and a mustache that rivals the former president’s, scowls at us. “If you’re quite finished…”

“Sorry,” I grumble, holding the white gown to my chest.

The doctor, whose nametag reads Dr. Bristol, looks me up and down, his eyes finally landing on the gown. “You’ll need to disrobe, and change into that.”

The other doctor, a youngish man with eyes too close together for comfort and a habit of squinting, looks up from the paper-thin tablet he’s holding. His nametag identifies him as Dr. Cambell.

“Hello, Mira,” Dr. Cambell says and smiles at me. His eyes crinkle at the corners, and he looks almost kind. As if he wasn’t going to prepare me to die.

“We don’t have a lot of time.” Dr. Bristol taps on his wrist band. “The transfer process starts in less than an hour.”

“Fine. At least turn around so I can change, okay?” Dr. Bristol reluctantly turns around while Dr. Cambell does the same, except he fights a smile.

After scanning me with a couple different handheld machines, the doctors declare me in perfect health for dying.

After the health scan, Dr. Cambell shaves my head and marks six spots around my skull for the “entry points.” In my mind, I see those wicked, long needles piercing Adrian’s skull.

“Will it hurt?” I ask him, my voice small.

He smiles kindly at me. “No, your First told us about your cousin’s reaction to the anesthesia, so we reassessed your dosage. You won’t feel a thing.” I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. At least there’s that. Maybe it will be just like falling asleep. I can only hope so.

“We’re done here,” Dr. Bristol walks over to the door, grabbing the handle. “We’ll just make sure everything is set down in the transfer theatre, and we’ll come back to get you.” When he pulls the door open, I see Will in the hallway.

He pushes past them and rushes into the room, closing the door behind him. In an instant, I’m in his arms. His lips crush mine, and he holds me as if I’m a life preserver, and he is adrift at sea. Maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe he’s trying to save
me
from drowning. I have a feeling it’s too late.

Eventually, I pull away to take a shaky breath, but neither of us moves. The transfer process presses down on us, suffocating us. Tears sting the backs of my eyes, but I don’t let them loose. I can’t. I’ll fall apart and never be able to pull myself back together. Not in time for what I have to do.

Finally, I step back and sit on the cold metal bed.
I can’t do this. I can’t be this close to him, feel like I’m a part of him.

“Mira,” Will whispers and sits down next to me. He grabs my hand and holds me, tracing his thumb over my knuckles.

“Do you remember what happened while we were at the farm?”

“What part?” He grimaces.

“The cemetery, right before Socrates collapsed.”

“We were there for your sister, right? She died?”

I nod. “All the time I was growing up, I thought it was my fault. I was supposed to watch her, take care of her, but I couldn’t be bothered, so she went into the forest alone. I failed her, failed my family, and I was a disgrace.”

Will lets go of my hand to reach his arm around, looping it around my shoulders and pulling me closer.

I take a deep breath. “My mom told me they arranged her disappearance to keep her from becoming a Second. The thing is, since the Lifers operate in such secrecy, no one knows if she made it or not. They don’t know if someone found her, or if she was killed by a wild animal, or anything. She just… she just disappeared.”

“Do you want me to find her for you? I’ll do anything you want.”

I give him a sad smile. “No. I would love that, but I wouldn’t even know where to tell you to start looking.”

“Then why are you telling me this now?”

“Because right now, I feel like I’m Rosie, alone in the forest, and in less than an hour, I’m going to disappear. I’ll vanish just like her, except that it won’t be my body, it’ll be my soul. And no one will shed a tear. It’ll be as if I never existed in the first place.” Will opens his mouth to protest, but I press two fingers against his lips, silencing him.

“Please, let me finish. Socrates is the future. I’m not. I’m just some kid picked for a destiny I never wanted and wasn’t ready for. Maybe if it was another First, another time, I would have still said no, would have run away, but this is what’s supposed to happen. Trust me.” I sound so sure, even to my own ears that I almost begin to believe myself. Almost.

Will’s jaw hardens, and he slams his fist on the bed. “I hate this! You shouldn’t have to die.” His words are like venom, poisonous. “Socrates is a monster. They all are. I can’t just… I can’t just sit here and watch them murder you.”

“I’m sorry, but there’s nothing you can do. Except leave.”

He shakes his head vehemently. “Not a chance. I’m not going anywhere.”

I take a deep breath, partly to think about what to say next, and partly to stop my hands from shaking. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.” His low voice is fervent, passionate. Right now, I think he’d give me the moon and the stars if I asked.
If only that would solve our problems.

“Will you help Socrates after… after it’s done?” I ask him, hesitantly.

His mouth gapes in shock, his eyes widen, and he shakes his head. “What? No! I… I can’t. Please don’t ask me to do that.”

“Please. Just until the bill passes.”

“No! You can’t expect me to see you, hear you, talk to you, and know that someone else is inside your body. I can’t…”

“If this bill doesn’t pass, Will, then all this is pointless.” I take his hand. “Don’t you see? I need to know it’s going to be worth it. I… I won’t be here to see it, so I need you to help me.”

He shakes his head. “Please Mira, ask me anything else.”

I pull out the last card I have, desperate. I have to make him see this my way, or it’s all pointless. “I love you, Will. I couldn’t say it before, but I do. With everything I have. But I need you to do this for me. If you care for me at all, please help Socrates.”

He looks stricken. “Mira, I’m just a servant. I’m nobody.”

“And I’m just a girl from Chesaning Farm, picked to be the next host to Socrates. As myself, I can’t do anything, but as Socrates, I can change the world.”

“Is this really what you want?”

“Yes.” I smile with relief. He’s going to do it. I know it. I let out a deep breath.

He kisses me softly, as if I might break, and I can see the love in his eyes. Then he leaves. I swing my feet onto the bed then lay back, my hands folded on my stomach.

Waiting for the doctors to come and get me, I start to drift off, my mind going numb. For some reason, I think about Socrates’s dog, Ben, waiting for his master to come home every day, nose in the crack of the door, but he never does.