First (22 page)

Barely

Mira

T
he next morning, I’m awakened
by a young boy, probably about twelve, with wild eyes and golden bronze hair. He’s brought a tray of food. I rub my eyes and blearily focus on the clock—a quarter after eleven.

“You didn’t call for breakfast, ma’am, but we wanted to make sure you had something to eat anyway.”

“Oh, thank you.” I smile. “Please call me Mira. What’s your name?”

“Jacob.” He gives me a wide smile revealing a missing front tooth. “This is my first week here at the Smith. I never thought I’d get to see a real live Second.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jacob. But if you’ll excuse me…” I nod at the tray of food.

“Oh right, sure. My mum made it herself. Said she never thought she’d see one of you people in the cafeteria, either, but she was sure glad you came. She said to tell you thanks and for me not to be too annoying.” He grins again, and I can’t hold back a smile.

I lift the lid to the tray. Inside is some kind of wrapped sandwich that looks a hundred times better than the slop Will and I were served in the cafeteria. “Well, you can tell your mother that I definitely appreciate the food and that you haven’t bothered me one bit.”

Jacob bows, the grin still stretching his face, and races out the door.

I eat quickly, then jump in the shower. I’ve just finished dressing when someone knocks on the door
.
Figuring it’s Will, I fling it open. “Will, I need a minute to—” But it’s not Will. “Socrates, sir. What? Why?” I stumble back a couple of steps. “Good morning, sir. Please come in.”

Socrates limps in, Ben at his side, and leans his cane in the corner by the door before turning to me.

“I hope I didn’t startle you too much, Mira. I just wanted to thank you for your help last night at the banquet. Few people—let alone any Seconds that I can recall—would have stood up to help an old First to the podium. Especially considering who I am.”

“Why? You needed help. It was as simple as that.”

He shuffles over to the chair by my desk, slowly sits down, and with one hand rubs his temple, as if the very action hurts. “But you know why I chose you. What your purpose is. What really happened to your cousin. Yet you were kind to me. You helped me.”

I bite my lip. He’s right. I should see him as a monster. Someone evil. “But you’re not…” I murmur. He raises his eyebrows, and I realize I said it out loud. “Sorry.”

“I’m not what, girl?”

“Nothing.” I fiddle with my hands.
Does he really want me to say it?

“Speak up, girl,” he says, not unkindly.
Guess he does.

“A monster.”

A slight smile curves Socrates’s lips. “But I am. Ask any one of a million Lifers, people on the farms, or even those in the major cities. People who don’t have access to Firsts. They don’t know us, and if everyone knew what we did, what we do to stay alive, we’d all be called monsters. Worse even.”

“Then why do you do it?”

He shrugs. “The first time? It wasn’t intentional, trust me. It was my wife’s idea. She wanted our son’s passing to have some use, some purpose. I just wanted to die.”

What do I say to that? I look away from him, toward the tiny window opposite the bed. I can’t see anything outside, but if I did, would the world look the same as it had when I first came here? Somehow, I don’t think so. “Why do you do it now?”

He chuckles, following my own gaze to the window. “To make a difference.” He pauses. “At least, that’s what it was before. Now…”

“You don’t know?” I guess, and his head turns toward me so quickly that he winces.

“You’re very perceptive.” He takes a deep breath. “Anyway, that’s not what I came here to talk about. You helped me yesterday and I… well, Ellie calls me crazy, but I want to help you.”

I laugh. “What would you do? Let me go? You can’t do that! I’d be banished, killed. My family would be in danger.”

“If that wasn’t the case, would you want to be released?” He cocks his head at me, as if honestly considering it.

“Yes, no. I mean. No. I… I don’t want to die, that’s for sure, but if I am your Second, then my brother doesn’t have to stand for visits any more. He can’t be chosen. And the bill, well, I only know what Mr. Flannigan said.” Socrates winces at the mention of his name. “But from what he said, that bill will free my people, and that’s more important than my life. I… I don’t want to die, I really don’t, I’m terrified, but…”

He nods, as if pleased by my response. “That’s to be expected. Is there anything else you need?” He cracks a grin. “I do have a little bit of pull. I’m sure I can make it happen.”

I chew on my lip again, wringing my hands. Should I ask him? Should I say anything? “Can I go home?”

Socrates raises his eyebrows in surprise. “I thought you wanted to remain my Second.”

“I do, honest. It’s just, my brother. Tanner. My mom. I never got to say goodbye.”

Socrates stays silent for a long moment. Is he thinking the same thing I am? Does he see the faces of the people he’s left behind? Like Mr. Flannigan, the courage fading from his eyes just before the bullets slam into his body and he falls slowly to the ground.

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Is that possible? I mean, could we go back to the farm?”

“Yes.”

“Really?” Hope wells inside me. “I… I thought it was illegal.”

He shrugs. “I’m a First, remember? If it means that much to you, I will make it happen.”

I nod. “But… won’t we get in trouble?”

He chuckles. “Don’t worry, Mira. I do have a bit of clout left.”

“I’ve never heard of a Second going back to the farm without being rejected.”

“Who cares? We have the time and my schedule, as it is, is open. If it makes you feel better, I’ll make the arrangements.”

I take a deep breath.
Do I want to see them? What would Max think? Would he be confused even more? Does he miss me? What would Tanner think?
Worry and guilt swell inside me as thoughts of Will take over. But Tanner, he tried to save me. I owe him this much.
With my decision made, I give him my answer.

“I have lunch if you’re interested.” Will sets a plate of food on the desk a couple of hours later. My stomach growls, but I shake my head.

“I don’t think I can eat anything. Sorry.”

“Nervous?”

“Yeah, kinda. Socrates says it’s fine, but still… no Second has ever gone back home after being chosen. I guess I’m just worried about how my mom will react.” My traitorous stomach grows as the smell finally gets to me.

“Who’s coming with us?” I ask, turning away from the food as my stomach churns again.

“Just you, Socrates, and myself,” Will replies, watching me closely, concerned. “And Ben, of course. Look, are you sure you want to do this? You don’t have to if—”

“Yes. My brother, Max, he’s only six and…”

“And that boy, right? What was his name again?”

I scowl, tempted to toss a pillow at him. “Tanner, and you leave him out of this.”

“I heard you two were supposed to marry.” He arches his eyebrows at me, darkness and maybe something else seeming to cloud his vision.

“Are you jealous?” I grin, boldly running my finger from his shoulder to his hand.

Will clenches his fist and takes a step back. “Not in the slightest.”

“Good, because Tanner and I… we were just good friends, that’s all.”

“Just friends?” I open my mouth to speak, but he shakes his head. “Look, it’s none of my business.” Will spins around on his heel and stalks toward the door. “Then, I’ll just leave you to it, and I’ll see you when the pod’s ready.”

I chuckle as the door shuts, almost in a slam, behind him.

A few minutes later, the boy who brought my breakfast, Jacob, comes to my room and says the pod is waiting. Will comes to my room and escorts me to the transport room. Socrates waits there, wearing a blue cotton shirt and black pants. Ben sits patiently at his side, and when he sees me, his tail swishes back and forth on the floor.

As I approach the sleek silver pod Will directs me to, my hands sweat. Will’s words echo in my head. Do I really want to do this? Should I? It’s never been done before. Should I be the first?

Just as I’m about to change my mind, Socrates flashes me a reckless grin and winks before climbing into the transport first, followed by Ben, and shuts the door. The machine hums on, flashes a bright white light, and then goes dark. After a few seconds, the door pops open with a slight hiss. The pod is empty, and Will gestures for me to get inside. I offer him a shaky smile as I climb over the slight lip, but his face stays blank.

When the door swings open, I’m faced with the interior of the manor’s pantry. One of the house servants, Tevan, stands stiffly by the door while Socrates grips his elbow. Socrates’s dog sniffs the floor, looking for snacks. Will clears his throat from behind me, and I stumble forward. He grabs my elbow to keep me from pin-wheeling out onto the floor. That would be a wonderful entrance.

Will takes my arm and leads me toward Socrates, who is talking to Mrs. Chesaning on the veranda. As we get closer, I can hear Socrates’s voice, low and soothing, while she clenches her hands in front of her.

“No, madam, there is nothing wrong with my Second,” he says.

“Are you sure? She’s always been… well, we thought she would be…” She looks harried, her normally perfect chestnut hair askew, strands hanging around her face, her eyes, washed out but puffy around the sides. In my mind, I see Mr. Reynard shaking his finger at her and pulling out his little makeup box of horrors. Looks like she’s due for a renewal.

He shakes his head. “No, she’s perfect. We have some extra time before leaving for my compound, and I felt that it would do her good to see her family. She didn’t get to say goodbye before she left.”

She squeaks something about the short notice, but is too polite to outright object to our presence.

Socrates puts a hand on her arm. “I understand, and I apologize. I can assure you that we’ll be gone quickly. We won’t disrupt the workings of your farm, and I sincerely appreciate your kindness and hospitality.” His voice is low, soothing, as if he’s trying to project calm and relax her. Good luck. The woman was a mess even when I was growing up. The house staff always complained about how she’d get worked up over the littlest things, like getting the exact shade of purple for her centerpieces correct. As if that really matters.

She blusters something else, but I don’t pay attention, too busy staring at the barn and the apartment building where we live.
Lived.
Don’t forget, Mira. You don’t live there anymore.
People in the fields and the barnyard stop their work to gawk at us. I recognize them, but they look hurriedly away, as if they know me but don’t want to.

Will’s hand falls from my arm to my hand and squeezes it. I hold on for dear life, needing the comfort. The sinking feeling in my stomach grows glacier-huge.
Will was right.
This was a bad idea.
Horrible, even.

Socrates looks over at us, eyebrows raised, then back at the farm. “Let’s get on with it, shall we?” He limps into the courtyard, leaning heavily on his cane. Ben walks on his left, there in case his master needs him. Tevan follows close behind. When we get down to the yard, my mother walks out of the barn in a group of other workers and stands stiffly.
Where’s Max?
Maybe they don’t want him to see me. The sister who was chosen, but came back.

We stop about ten feet from my mother. She looks older now, her red hair frayed and frizzed, eyes lined and red. I find it amazing what a difference a few days and a lifetime can make to how I see them.

“Mom.” I walk up to her, leaving Will and Socrates behind. Casting her eyes at everyone else, she pulls me into a tight embrace.

“Mira, what have you done?” she whispers into my ear. I pull away from her.

“Nothing! Why would you just automatically guess that I’d screw this up?”

My mother glances back at the barn, and I see Max’s little head poking around the side. She looks past me to Will and Socrates. “Do you mind if Mira and I have a word, alone?”

“Of course.” Socrates nods, gesturing to Will. The two men turn and walk back to where Mrs. Chesaning still stands.

Mom leads me around the side of the barn to a bit of shade. “You should never have come back. People are going to think you were rejected.”

“But I wasn’t. Honest. Socrates brought me back so I could say goodbye. I miss you and Max. I love you.” Nausea rises up from my stomach when she looks away and pauses before taking a deep breath.

“I love you, too, Mira, but you don’t belong here, not anymore.” She walks over to an old rusty picnic table and leans onto one of the benches. I follow her, not looking back at Socrates or Will or even Max, who waits in the shadow of the barn, staring after us.

“How can you say that? I was born here. This is my home!” My voice is getting shrill, but I don’t care.

“Seconds never come back, even after… everything. They
never
come back. You coming here… it’s just not right.” Her eyes soften, and a tear tracks down one cheek. “We love you, Mira, your brother and I, we do. We miss you, too, but you have to move on. You’re Absolved now. We miss you too. Max asked about you after you left. I explained as best I could what an honor it was to be chosen, but he’s too young to understand what a gift it truly is.”