First Kiss (Heavy Influence) (12 page)

              “Don’t be embarrassed,” he insisted, his voice low and velvety. His hands left my face, prompting me to open my eyes. I brought my clinched fists up under my chin and considered my next words. Before I could speak he pulled me close, hugging me and led me toward his room. “Come on, let’s talk. I’ll go first, but you have to promise me you’ll be honest too. I’m probably just as nervous as you are.”

             
I sat there on his bed, petrified. My breathing was shallow. I needed to find relief or I’d pass out.

             
Jake continued. “Ok. So…I’ve been thinking about you all day, ever since I saw you with…
Matt
. I thought about you all morning too.” He paused, getting up to pace back and forth in front of me. “I was stoked to know that we’d be hanging out, you know, getting to know each other again. I thought you felt the same way, especially after last night. Then I saw you and Matt hangin’ on each other and I found myself getting… jealous, which isn’t normal for me. I’m not
that
guy and it made me …uncomfortable.”

I was tripping out on how open and honest he was being. Were all boys like this?

              “Jake….” I reached out and touched his hand. He held it in return. He remained standing, playing with my fingers and continued to speak.

             
“No, wait, let me finish,” he said firmly, taking a seat beside me. “I wanted to know if you were still with him, if you were alone with him. I wanted to know what you were doing. That’s why I sent the text. When you told me you were going to the movies with hin…I felt stupid or whatever. Like, did I misread you? I thought we were on the same page.”

             
I interrupted, “Jake, there’s no confusion….”

             
He squeezed my hand. “Look, I know better than anyone that someone can be attracted to another person even when they’re attached to someone else. That’s why people break up most of the time, because they meet someone else they like better. Kinda like what happened with Rachel the other day. If I didn’t like being with you, I would have walked you home and hung out with her.”

His confession made my heart swell with excitement. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. No one in the history of my life would ever compare to him. I sat there in complete delight. He finally looked over at me resuming his thoughts on the matter.

“So, you know, when you admitted you’ve liked Matt for a long time, it just brought to mind that maybe, while you felt attracted to me…our time these last couple of nights might just be fleeting, because of your stronger connection to Matt.”

I couldn’t comprehend his words quick enough to reply. His speech was a complete masterpiece.

              In my stunned state I barely eeked out my next words. “You know all too well, huh?”

             
Jake looked at me oddly. “What? This is for you more than me, Aly. You’re the one that’s having this thing with Matt.”

             
“I just feel bad, you know. Don’t you, about Rachel?”

             
“No. I don’t. Rachel has her own issues. She’s a big girl. She’ll get over it, eventually.”

             
I gulped. “Ok. What else. What else makes you know all too well?”

             
Jake sniffed and a reluctant grin peaked at the sides of his mouth.

             
“Sometimes people stay in something even when they know it’s not gonna end well and…and some people don’t ever get into anything because they’re waiting on someone else with the hopes that
that
someone will eventually come around.”

             
“Wow. That’s deep.” I chuckled uncomfortably.

             
“Yeah, sorry, didn’t mean to go all Dr. Phil or whoever.” He paused, sucking in a deep breath, “So then I threw my phone down after you said you may go to the movies with him. I was bummed.”

Jake looked sheepish and shrugged his shoulders.

              “I guess there’s your answer,” I said leaning into him. I was embarrassed to look at his face any longer than a few seconds.

             
“I trip out on how fast this has all come on, you know, but realizing I’ve known you my whole life, I guess it’s not so strange,” he confessed.

             
Before I could respond Kate shouted out that our pizzas were done and we both stood up a bit uneasy. He put his arm around my shoulder, nuzzling me warmly as he led me out.

             
We ate quietly and I chose my next words as I admired his long lashes. “The difference between you and I is,” I said, decisive. “You’ve already been where I’m at now. You understand what you’re feeling.” I knew he’d probably been there and done
that
, and every other thing in between.

             
Jake considered my statement and finished chewing. “Yeah, but…I can talk to you. I’ve never had that with anyone before. No matter how much I liked someone...” He trailed off. “I’m always boxed in. I don’t know...sometimes I feel like there’s this image thing I have to uphold.”

Jake’s voice grew quiet and he stared
at the pizza crust in his hand.

“What image?”

“You know, like nothing bothers me. I don’t know…it’s stupid. Put it this way, sometimes I don’t always do what I want to do because of what people might think. I shouldn’t give a shit, but it just happens. Like this voice telling me -
that’s not cool, everyone will think you’re a pussy if you do or don’t do this or that
– So I don’t always do the right thing.”

“I see.”

I certainly did see…every perfect contour of his face that stared back at me. I repeated his words in my head and wondered what it must be like for him. I felt like I could tell him anything.

My phone pinged with a new text message.

Jake glanced in its direction. “I wonder who that’ll be,” he said sarcastically, bobbing his head. “I’ll bet it’ll be Matt.”             

             
“Shut up. It’s probably my mom,” I picked up my phone and low and behold it
was
Matt. My stomach sank. I didn’t want to admit it was him, but I couldn’t lie to Jake, not ever. Not even about the smallest thing. “Ding, ding, ding, you were right. He wants to know if I’m feeling better, and if we’re still going to the movies.”

             
“What, you weren’t feeling well?” Jake swooned, mocking me.

             
“No, I wasn’t. I
was
sick. This whole thing with us has completely thrown my whole universe into a black hole. The last 24 hours? I feel totally rattled.” I paused when I saw the confusion on his face. “Ok. I mean, how do I tell my friends? -
Oh, I don’t like Matt anymore, I’m into Jake now; and by the way Nadine, I’m sorry, I know you wanted him to like you, but he likes me now,”
- Really, how do I do this?”

             
“Wow, I didn’t realize all that,” he said. “So, Nadine’s the reason you came over?”

“Yes and don’t look at me like that,” I huffed, gathering my thoughts. My next words came out slowly. “You know, I’m totally blameless in all of this. I didn’t know I would react the way I did, and feel the way I’m feeling. It’s like I’ve been living in black and white and you’re the color, the vibrant bright outline to everything grey.”

I was embarrassed about my honesty, but I couldn’t help myself. I stared down at my pizza crust, feeling my face get hot again.

“So, where do we go from here?” Jake said, smiling softly at me and taking another slice of pizza. “I mean
, I have to ask, right?”

“Like you said last night, not to read into anything? Besides, my family would die if they knew I was hanging out with you like this. You’re the only one who knows.”

“What were you gonna do about going to the movies with Matt if they won’t let you date?” he said changing the subject.

My stomach tumbled.

“What do you think? I was gonna tell my parents we were going as a group.”

“Of cours
e you were.” He said dryly, rolling his eyes, not surprised.

I sighed deeply. “What am I gonna do about Nadine?”

“Why don’t you just tell Nadine how it is. She’ll get over it,” he said, a bit annoyed.

His solution sounded simple enough, but there was no way I was
gonna tell her.

“Jake, it’s a girl thing – and she’s my best friend and even though she likes to flirt with everyone, she rarely
quote unquote
makes dibs – meaning she told me straight out that she likes you,” I explained, pausing. “It just has to run its course I guess.”

“What are you gonna do about Matt?” Jake asked again, more firmly this time. A surge shot through me.

              “I’m thinking about it, and in all honesty, I really care about Matt. We’ve been friends since Kindergarten. He’s always been there for me, like all the time there for me. Jake shook his head in understanding. “I don’t wanna hurt his feelings.”

             
“Ahhh, I guess I’ll just have to get over it.”

             
Jake reached over grabbing my empty plate and placed it under his. I noticed a tiny little tattoo on the side of his left ring finger, an
R
. My stomach sank. Was that for Rachel? Was he lying to me about everything?

             
I cleared my throat.

             
“You know, when I saw Rachel hanging all over you, I didn’t like it either.” I admitted, agitated. “What’s that on your finger?”

             
I pointed at his finger, but only stared at his face. I watched for any indication that he was calculating a lie, something I’d learned from dealing with my sister. I recalled how easily he’d lied to Rachel about me
not
being at his house, when I was. He looked down, staring at it and then rubbed it. He shrugged and half laughed.

             
“A stupid drunk night, that’s what this is. It’s the initial of my first real girlfriend, Renee. That night was actually the first night I ever drank, see, and look what happens.”

I could only hope he was telling the truth, for truth’s sake. Not that it mattered whose name it stood for. I didn’t want him to lie to me to save me from bad feelings like he’d done with Rachel.

I stared at him blankly.

He tilted his head, reading me.

“Aly, I’m not lying. I’ll call her and hand you the phone if you don’t believe me.”

Now I felt stupid.

“No. Geez. I was just wondering. I mean it
is
an R, after all.” I said fiddling with the placemat. “What do you think Rachel will do when she realizes we’re actually hanging out?”

“It’s gonna be hard getting rid of her. Her best friend is Dump’s girlfriend, Sienna Barnes, the girl with the black hair. They’re inseparable, her and Rachel that is.”

              I finally sent Matt a text apologizing and told him I still didn’t feel well and Jake and I continued talking for hours.

12

Alyssa

Getting my wits about me was nearly impossible.

“By the way, y
ou have to really teach me how to play the guitar. That’s the only way I’ll be able to come over here so often without them wondering. Just my luck, my bitchy ass sister will ask me to show off my new skills.” I told him.

Sitting in Jake’s living room, he
picked up a guitar and handed it to me. Too close and feeling the warmth of him, I didn’t know how I would focus on learning anything. He began playing a familiar tune that I couldn’t place. I marveled at how easily his fingers navigated and plucked away at the guitar strings. He strummed the melody as I searched my memory, trying to place the song. He told me about what my first lesson would entail without ever looking down at his playing. He made it look too easy. He explained in a gentle voice that we would focus on basic cords and add in very simple strumming.

After the first few hand contacts and body brushes, I finally calmed enough to pay attention. I didn’t have to admit I was nervous – Jake could tell, he reminded me more than once to breathe.
“Aly, don’t hold your breath, breathe slowly.”
His voice remained smooth and even, stroking my nerves until they were completely gone.

             
“There you go, see, it’s not bad.” He was encouraging and released his hold on the guitar. “I think you’re gonna be picking this up pretty quickly. You’re a natural.”

             
“Ya’ think?” I chirped with excitement. “I was so nervous my fingers wouldn’t get it.”

             
A knock came at the front door and my mood plummeted. It seemed we were always being disturbed. I hoped it was a sales person or one of those Jehovah’s dudes.  I heard the familiar voice and my heart stopped. I was instantly pissed. I had to contain myself. I took in a deep breath and stood up, pacing a bit. Then I sat back down waving my hands in front of face as if they would help cool me off. Soon enough the voice grew louder and there she was. Nadine. WTF?!