First Kiss (Heavy Influence) (58 page)

             
“Please don’t smoke.” I said decisively.

             
“You never minded before.” An edge sprung to her voice to match my tone.

             
“I did, I just didn’t say anything. The smell isn’t something I can tolerate. I thought I could, but I can’t.”

             
She sighed deeply. “What else is there?”

             
I was surprised her question came with a smile and glint in her eye, like she was daring me to continue.

             
“There’s nothing other than that.” I shrugged.

             
“So it’s a deal breaker?” She lit her cigarette and walked to the balcony with the white toxic cloud drifting out behind her. I watched it as it hovered there and it made me mad.

             
I thought about it. It actually was. “Was there a deal?” I asked smugly. It was the first time I’d spoken to her like that. I’d never acted like a dick toward her but I was no longer playful nor in the mood to be challenged by her. I wasn’t gonna be some toy of hers.

             
She turned to face me and a shift of sadness filled her normally bright eyes. “I suppose not.”

***

              I sat in front of my computer staring at the tiny pale yellow folders that stacked on top of each other in the saved area of my email.
Legal, Images, Rufcuts, Mastered, Drafts
– my eyes bounced from folder to folder, on and on, avoiding the one that read
Personal
. I don’t even know how many months it’d been since Aly sent me her last and final email. I deleted all of the others except that one. I’d never had the heart to open it and read it. I guess now was as good of a time as any. I looked around my room as if someone would be looking over my shoulder or something, catching me doing something wrong. There was no sign of Victoria. It’s like she’d never been there at all, with the exception of the faint smell of cigarette smoke. I wondered how long it would take before it disappeared completely. Would I be packed and gone before then? Would I take it back to New York as a reminder that I wasn’t able to let go of Aly even with nearly a year apart and six thousand miles between us?

             
Tap
.

             
My heart raced as I read the subject line. The reason I’d never opened it to begin with.

_____________________

              Aly Montgomery

             
To: Jake Masters

I HATE YOU, YOU COWARD.

I gulped.

Tap
.

______________________

From: [email protected]

To:
[email protected]

Re: I HATE YOU, YOU COWARD

I hope you never come home. I never want to lay eyes on you ever again. You’re a chicken shit coward, Jake. I never would have thought in a million years you’d blow me off in such an unfeeling and callous way. Have a nice life.

             
I’m glad I never said it back,

             
Alyssa

________________________

Then nothing else. Are you fucking kidding me? My heart raced even faster. She never did say it back. No matter how much I professed my love, “
I love you, Aly”.
My voice echoed in my head and so did her
always
response,
“You’re my everything.”
I’d finally gotten the balls to ask her why she’d refused to tell me she loved me.
“Don’t you love me too? I mean if you don’t then maybe this is all wrong.”
She gave the most honest answer she could have given. “
There’s so much against us. I don’t want to say it and have it squished into the ground. You’re my everything, ever since the beginning. Always.”

What was I supposed to do? She was right, everything was stacked against us and it all came tumbling down.

The last time I talked to Aly’s brother, Kyle, he said Aly was hanging with that Matt whatever his face, Skateboard Boy. Of course she was. He was safe. I bet Mr. Montgomery was so fucking stoked. My stomach balled up. I looked at the clock. It was 8pm, noontime in California. I had rehearsal in a couple more hours. I needed to get going if I wanted to finish my laundry. I stared at the screen. Should I reply, after all this time? Was she completely over me? I owed it to myself to find out, right? Especially after what happened with Victoria. Maybe Aly telling me to leave her alone, after all this time is just what I needed, the final nail in the coffin.

______________________

From:
[email protected]

To: [email protected]

Re: I HATE YOU, YOU COWARD

             
You’re right. I am a coward. I don’t even know where to start or if you even want to read this. I guess I’ll leave it simple. Do you still hate me? Do you still never want to lay eyes on me again?

             
I’m still gonna say it. I love you, Alycat. I hope you’ve been great. I hope you’re dominating volleyball. I hope one day that you’ll be able to stand in the same room as me. Know that I left because I had to, not because I wanted to. For the both of us.

-
       
Jake

________________________

I hit send and stared at screen as if she’d instantly reply like an IM. I laughed at myself. What an idiot. Regret seeped in. Ugh! I rose so quickly from my seat that the chair toppled over behind me. I was so frustrated I picked it up and chucked it on the bed as hard as I could, watching it crash into the bedside table. Wine glasses shattered and the linen colored lampshade tore wide open when it hit the floor. Would it ever be over? Would she ever not be every breath I take?
Every Breath You Take
– I shouted out,
every move you make…I’ll be watching you
. - The Police. Fuck, there’s another song. I sat on the sofa and pulled my guitar close to me. I placed my cheek against its cool surface. Should I do a cover? Should I do a remake of that song? Put my own twist on it? I began strumming, singing the entire song.

             
I played another tune and then got up and grabbed my notepad…

Best Years

We had the best years

Of our lives

But you and I will never be the same

September took me by surprise

And I was left

To watch the seasons change

It’s been so quiet since you’ve gone

Everyday seems more like a year

Some times I wish I could move on

But memories would all just disappear

So many things I shoulda said when I had the chance

So many times we took it all for granted

I never thought this could ever end

Never thought I’d lose my best friend

Everything is different now

Can’t we stop the world from turning

Looking back on better days

But we were young

We thought we knew so much

And now it seems so far away

I’m wondering if I was good enough

So many things I shoulda said when I had the chance

So many times we took it all for granted

I never thought we would ever end

I never thought I’d lose my best friend

Everything is different now

Can’t we stop the world from turning

I never thought I’d have to let you go

Never thought I’d feel this low

Gone are all the days

When we swore we’d never break

Now I’m left here alone

Never thought this would ever end…

             
I finished the song in two hours. I’m exhausted and chide myself for actually crying. What a pussy. I think of Notting and my mom. This song was for him too. He deserved more from someone else. My mom would always be stuck in the past, just like me, her and I were both cowards. Afraid of letting go as if the memories would disappear or by some miracle would bring everything back to a happier time. I thought of my dad, I barely knew him. I thought of Notting who was everything a dad should be. He would never have his own children because he’d waited for my mother, who never gave him any. Was she really that selfish? I didn’t know what to think about anyone anymore.

             
Staring at my glowing computer screen I saw that Aly replied and my heart came out my ear. Why was I shocked? My hands went numb and my feet felt like they were cemented into the ground. I couldn’t move.

             
Tap
.

______________________

From: [email protected]

To:
[email protected]

Re: I HATE YOU, YOU COWARD

              Jake – Is this real or a dream? I guess I’ll begin with I love you, too. I’ve loved you since the first time you touched me. I should have told you. I should have been real with you, and not listened to everyone else. I should have said it a million times and maybe things would have been different. I think about you every day, too many times to count and I hope you can forgive me for being so selfish not realize the gravity of everything going down. I don’t think you’re a coward. I think you’re so much stronger than me. I do want to lay my eyes on you again and so much more. I hope you can forgive me for all my harsh words.

I love you.

Aly

________________________

I didn’t know how to react. Elation ran through me along with fear and a slew of other feelings that I couldn’t comprehend. My phone rang and I dashed over to it. Was it Aly? No. It was the guys, wondering where I was. I could never tell them that Aly professed love for me, finally. They hadn’t heard her name in months. They had no idea the hold she still had on me. I sighed with relief, finally the void was filled and the rough edges smoothed. I felt new. I had to call her. I had to hear her voice.

My hands trembled as I dialed her number. Really? It had to be the adrenaline. When I heard her voice, everything disappeared. Now, it seemed, the only thing standing between us was time and distance.

I never did make it to band practice.