Flicker (19 page)

chapter twenty-five

T
he next day I tell Timid and Hana that I will be joining Dignity in the dining hall for our noon meal.

“Oh, all right,” Hana says with a sigh. “But we’ll miss you.”

“Just this once, I don’t want people to think I’m stuffy like Perfection.”

“No one would think that. Everyone here thinks you are just the loveliest Vessel in the whole Refuge,” Timid gushes uncharacteristically.

“People say no such thing. Anyways Dignity has been kind to me as I’ve gotten used to my new place here, and I want to offer her an olive branch.”

The girls don’t understand my expression, but they don’t press me to stay.

“Just make sure you don’t talk too much, Vessel Honor will reprimand you,” Timid warns as she slips out the door with Hana.

I find Dignity sitting with Vessels I recognize, and self-consciously take a seat on a bench at the long narrow table next to her.

“You came!” She smiles broadly, and then cups her mouth, leaning close, “Vessels took bets on if you’d ever show.”

“And will you be collecting?”

“Unfortunately, no.” She raises her eyebrows apologetically. “I thought with the way the Nobleman ogles you, I wouldn’t see you until a binding ceremony.”

“I have to get through a naming ceremony first.”

Baskets of bread are set on our table along with big bowls of salad and hard-boiled eggs. The Vessels thank the young helpers who have delivered the food, then begin filling their plates with the fresh food.

“Truly though, everyone is rooting for you. Anyone besides Perfection. Could you imagine? She already walks around thinking she’s Queen Bee.” She quickly looks down to her plate, solemnly, as Honor walks past us, making notes on a piece of paper as she inspects which Vessel’s are here.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve such praise.” No one complimented me at the compound; those sorts of words weren’t a part of our vocabulary. Everything here is different, and I find myself looking around the hall for Mom, even though I know she has an earlier dining hall shift. Sometimes I miss the meals with my family, the familiar taste of the shakes and canned beans. Now, crunching on a forkful of lettuce my taste buds are grateful for such produce, but my brain is imprinted with different memories of what is good.

“The Nobleman came around this morning asking about you,” the Vessel next to Dignity chimes in.

“And what did you tell him?” I fumble with the napkin in my lap, suddenly jittery.

“We told him you always smiled. Always asked how we were doing. That you made little daisy chains and left them in the baskets as little tokens.”

“And we told him that we liked you a hundred times more than Perfection,” Dignity blurts, causing the table to erupt in giggles.

Honor flies over, calling the Vessels out, assigning extra duties for the afternoon. She clucks her tongue when she looks at me, shaking her head as if I have personally affronted her.

“And me? What is my consequence?” I ask, not wanting the Vessels around me to be the only ones to receive a punishment.

“Why don’t you stay in your room during meals for now on?”

As she walks away the Vessels cover their mouths hiding their laughter. I watch them, not taking for granted their kindness, I soak it up, just like the light at the Haven. There’s more than one way to be filled with happiness.

When I return to my room after lunch, I find a single yellow rose on my pillow. Twirling the stem in my fingers, I close my eyes, savoring the moment. Then I tuck the bud at the top of the braid hanging down my back, walking towards the garden for my afternoon chore, with the Nobleman on my mind.

*****

              After my afternoon work, the Nobleman surprises me by knocking on my door. I hadn’t expected to see him again until later tonight in the Energy Room.

              “Are you busy?” he asks, leaning his head against the doorframe.

              “Depends, what did you have in mind?” I ask, ignoring the looks Hana and Timid give me for speaking flippantly. I touch the flower in my hair nervously; suddenly shy for him to see my display, wondering if perhaps he wanted that to be a secret.

              “Are you questioning the Nobleman?” he jokes.

              “I’m not in the habit of going out with just anyone.”

              “Am I just anyone?” When I shake my head no, he asks again, “Come with me to our ledge.”

              I grab a shawl from my bed and we walk down the hallway with a sizable space between our bodies, a space I’m thankful for. We pass several Vessels who stop walking to bow to the Nobleman. When we walk past by the Councilmen, a grey cloud of heaviness surrounds them. I realize it’s because there’s such a contrast between them and the gleaming light emitting from the Nobleman.

              The Nobleman opens the door leading to our spot. We slip inside and head up the stairs.

“Don’t you have other people you need to spend time with?” I think of the Council we just passed, and Perfection.

“No one here thinks about me,” he says, taking two steps at a time.

“You’re crazy, this whole place is obsessed with you.” I scramble to keep up.

“That is not true.”

We reach the top of winding staircase and he speaks again, “Listen, last night I wasn’t exactly forthright, and it was pride that stopped me from admitting the truth.”

Not expecting this turn of the conversation, I keep silent anxious for him to finally clear things up.

“They’re obsessed with what I am able to do for them. I’m their prophet, sure, but not how you’re thinking. I am not here to preach a message; I am here to deliver a product. As long as I do that, they continue on with their lives. Worrying about Vessel matches and bindings, and naming ceremonies.”

“You’re more than that to them.”

“No, I am not. You want to believe that because it is a pretty picture, but I see it for what it is. I see myself for what I am.”

We stand at the landing looking out the window at the stormy afternoon sky. Wind pounds against the glass panes, and my heart pounds too. In this moment I want to reach out and touch him, to tell him he can be more than a product, a commodity for the people here.

“What are you thinking, Lucy?”

“I’m sorry for you, that you don’t have a choice.”

“I do have one choice. I get to choose my mate, the Head Councilman has allowed me that one decision.”

“Perfection’s told me all about that.” I laugh in spite of his words. He doesn’t appear sad about the way he’s used, as if he’s resigned to this fate.

“Oh, yes. Perfection. I know the plans that girl has, each Refuge has a girl like her, you know, and I get to rotate my time with all of them. Lucky me, right?”

“Lucky you.” I want to avoid this conversation; I have no interest in the Nobleman and other girls. “So last night, you didn’t tell me about this because of pride? I don’t get it.”

“Lucy, you are the first person I’ve ever been able to talk so openly with, I mean, you are the only one who has ever asked.”

“What about your parents?” Remembering what he told me of his mother, I try again. “Surely your father cares? Where is he?”

“Sore subject.” He clenches his jaw, so I don’t press, knowing the tender spot my family holds. “But the pride thing? Lucy, what Humbleman wants to tell the prettiest Vessel he has ever seen that he’s nothing but a product? You’d think me weak.”

“You’re not weak. What you do at the Haven, with your light, that isn’t manufactured. That is real. You are real.”

“So you just like me for my dazzling light?” He smirks, but it’s obvious this he admits his greatest fear.

“Who said anything about like?” I laugh, proud of my small joke.

“Well, I like you.” His words are quiet again, and I realize that’s what happens when he says his deepest truths. The big truths come out small.

“I like you too.”

Admitting this is an enormous relief, and I grin like a fool. Still, my hands fold together tight, as I remind myself not to touch him. I remember learning about currents and voltages from Forest. He said if you snap the connectors of two batteries together you'd have a mess on your hands. You'd have two very hot batteries in a matter of seconds, and a rift or explosion soon after. I’m not interesting in creating combustion. For now standing by his side needs to be enough.

“Things are changing,” I say, knowing that we are crossing territory I know little about.

“What’s changing?”

“Everything.”

He cocks his head towards me, and his skin shimmers bright though it’s grey outside. Thankfully the Nobleman doesn’t press me, he doesn’t reach for my hands. Somehow our faces, the smiling ones, seem to be enough for us, for now.

*****

As I walk towards my room, Humbleman Integrity stops me in the hallway “Lucy, I’ve been looking for you. I discussed it with the Nobleman this morning and he thought you having some lessons with me would be fine, learning about our sacred texts, like you’d asked about. Tomorrow morning, nine o’clock in the Council’s Chamber?”

“That’s fine,” I say, caught off guard. My mind hasn’t been on the texts of The Light; it’s been solely on the Nobleman. “Thank you,” I add, before hurrying to my room. As I walk away, a headache comes over me. I press my fingers to my temples in annoyance. I’ve been eating and drinking more than I ever have in my life, and I’m certainly working less than I did at the compound. I can’t figure out why these headaches seem to continue to overtake me. Hopefully a warm shower will help calm me down. I grab my robe and a change of clothes, and then dash to the bathroom.

To my relief the bathroom’s empty. I turn on the shower water, letting it get as hot as possible. I don’t care if I steam to oblivion; this is better than going to the
Bathhouse
and risk seeing Perfection. I need some time alone.

The water washes through my hair and over my skin. As I stand under the spray, I think of the conversation with the Nobleman, knowing the hot water is made possible by the burden his body bears. Without the power he offers the Refuge, there wouldn’t be food to eat, machines would not be able to operate, no power to run the boats. Everything here relies on him, it’s an incredible amount of pressure.

My head begins to throb; my headaches seem to be growing in intensity. I whimper in the shower stall as the shooting sting in my skull becomes too painful to bear.

Once again the green light flickers in my palm. This is no illusion, no mistake. When I need it, it’s there. I press my hand against my forehead, and as the pain disappears, my face is awash in tears born from relief.

I hate that I have a light I don’t understand. I hold my hand far from myself, wanting the light inside me to disappear, to be willed away. I don’t want to have anything to do with this energy swimming inside that makes me different because it connects me to The Light, and the evil men who live here.

I crumble in the shower stall, staring at the hand that betrays me with its flickering pulse. That betrays me by connecting me in a deeper, unknown way to so many people.

All I want is the freedom to make my own choices. I want the choice to take care of Timid and Hana, and help them grow up to be strong girls, and the choice to find Basil and help make her whole again. I want the choice to live in a world full of fresh air and sunshine and apple blossoms falling from the trees.

If the Nobleman learns about my flicker of light, I will be at the mercy of the Council, and my freedom will be stripped from me once and for all. But I can’t let myself grow closer to him and
not tell him
. He would discover my truth the moment our hands, our lips, and our bodies collide; there’s a force between us. My dream of freedom may just be an illusion. Basil’s last words to me were,
Do not try to leave, whatever you do
. I can’t have what happened to her happen to us.

I’m no closer to understanding the world or myself; I only know I’m scared of doing the wrong thing. I wish I could slide latex gloves over my fingers and put on a Hazmat suit. I’d wear the armor of the compound to protect me from these elements I am wholly unprepared for.

chapter twenty-six

T
he next morning I stand outside the Council Chamber waiting to be let in, anxious to gain some understanding of The Light. I’m ready to understand my place here and Humbleman Integrity can help me.

“Welcome, Vessel.”

“Good morning, Humbleman.” I lower my head wanting to stay on his good side in hopes of learning what happened to Basil.

“If you’d take a seat, I can show you the portion we’re going to study today. This text is relevant to why your admirer, the Nobleman, is our prophet. The one who will bring us closer to holiness, closer to The Light.”

I sit down, eager to learn, at last.

“The sacred text is our holy book. Some groups have called theirs the Bible or the Koran. The Light is a faith that has been around since the beginning of time, although the texts were not revealed until the last fifty years.” He pulls papers from a cabinet. “These are copies of the originals found on the island in which we stand. The neighboring islands in the sound had portions of text as well. From the original discovery a group of believers gathered and began The Light.”

“Where did the papers come from?” I ask.

“From The Light itself.”

“And why … why now?” I’m not trying to be rude, I just want to make sense of it.

“Because the blackout grew near and we needed to prepare. We were predestined to find those texts when we did. We were given the insight to know the blackout was coming, which is why the Refuges were built in strong marble, able to withstand terrible conditions.”

“So, you built shelters and planned for the blackout and then waited?”

“While we waited, followers lived and died, and our fold grew in number. We were not loved by the world, they thought our choices to spend our resources on end of the world tactics was foolish, but we knew the texts told us to prepare, and we would do that as dutifully as we could.” Integrity is an old man, yet he comes alive when he speaks of the prophesy, about The Light. He believes.

“My parents did that too, you know.”

“Did what?”

“They Prepped for the blackout. That’s why we survived so long. We had a bunker and a strong house above it. People thought they were foolish, too.”

“That is why your mother Clarity is fitting in so well. She worked hard to prepare despite people around her telling her she was a fool. She wants to believe in a world worth staying alive for. She’s found purpose here.”

I don’t want to think about Mom, so I direct us back to the part that matters now. “I want to know why the Nobleman is your prophet. He doesn’t seem to agree with your proclamation.”

“Ahh, so you two have been sharing secrets have you?” His eyes crinkle in a smile. “Well, the Nobleman’s part in the prophesy is the easiest to understand. The piece that allows the rest to make sense, his birth validates our faith. I will read a portion, and you can hear what I mean,

As Humblemen we seek divine peace unobtainable from the world.

Bound together, we build our Refuge from marble,

a stone providing clarity for the meditative soul.

Our fortified walls keep our Vessels pure and evils far from our shores.”

I hold up my hand, stopping Integrity. “How does this relate to the Nobleman?” I ask. “I mean, it explains about the Refuge, but what about him?”

“Be patient, the next passage reveals the answer,

Have no fear for the answer is before you:

A Light born from darkness leads the way.

This power will be our deliverance; the source is our strength.

.

“The Nobleman, he is the light born from the darkness?”

“Yes, you have that in common.”

“What exactly is that?” I press my palms together, hiding what can’t be seen.

“The day of the Nobleman’s birth was the day of the blackout. He is the prophesy realized.”

“The Nobleman was born the day of the blackout?” My voice squeaks, overwhelmed by the realization. We were born the same day. This means we’re more connected than I imagined, but it’s not what I want to hear. As much as my feelings for the Nobleman are growing, I still don’t want whatever is within me to cement me to The Light.

“Yes, and he was born with a gift more marvelous than one can imagine.”

“He showed me the room where he sleeps.” I say this more to myself than to Integrity. I could end up like the Nobleman if they know about my light. Chained down forever. My hand is already powerful in a way the Nobleman’s isn’t. He fills people up with his light, and my hand somehow heals, helps. It freed me from the ropes, takes away my headaches. It’s different, which is what scares me. “How did you know what he could do?” I try to hide my shaking voice.

“His parents came to this Refuge with their other child, a one-year-old boy, when the virus began sweeping the continent. Times were scary for many, but not for The Light. We knew our time was near.

“His mother, heavy with child, laid down waiting for his arrival. He came into the world the moment the Refuge and the world lost power.” He stops and strokes his beard, looking in the distance. “It was the most miraculous thing. The moment he took his first breath, his tiny fist unfurled and The Light was there, just a spark at first, but it grew. His light grew as he grew, and soon his entire body would illuminate.”

“And you had your prophet.” I shake my head in disbelief. It seems unreal that the Nobleman was brought and born here, fulfilling the foretold prophesy. “But how did you then know he could power the Refuges?”

“His parents were the ones who figured it out first, and as soon as we tapped into his ability, it seemed to magnify. Eventually it became too much for them, to see their son contain so much power.”

“Then his mother died?” I ask, looking for clarification.

“No, where did you hear such a thing? They left The Light, and they’re never to be mentioned.”

“It feels too easy, like all the pieces just fell into place. Nothing is that simple.”

“Lucy, how can you see and not believe?” He asks, widening his arms in surprise.

“I mean, I get that the texts happen to be the same as the Nobleman’s birth story, but couldn’t it be a fluke? You really think he’s going to save humanity? Because he doesn’t seem to think he can.”

“There will come a time the Nobleman will be ready to accept his calling.”

“I think it’s a bit more complicated than that. What if he doesn’t accept the call?”

“You cannot deny your destiny.”

I nod, numbed by the onslaught of information.

He stands, signaling our time is over. I have more I want to ask, to understand, but the service is about to begin in the Haven, and I know we must go.

I leave the Chamber without saying another word, knowing the person I really need to speak with is the Nobleman. If I didn’t know the Nobleman, I wouldn’t think it could be true, but the Nobleman is real, and he’s fulfilled everything the prophecy said.

I walk slowly to the Haven with my head down. For the first time I find myself distracted throughout the service. I keep trying to look at the Nobleman through the light surrounding us. The delicate voices of the Vessels seem to break my focus. The fidgeting hands of Hana cause me agitation, and I grab them to keep them steady, immediately whispering apologies to her for my annoyance.

I don’t know how much I’m supposed to ignore, how much I should let slide for the parts that ignite me. Believing in the words Integrity showed me would be easier. Questioning the way things are run creates difficulty. It seems every Vessel here, especially the ones who arrived by boat, have experienced enough pain for a lifetime.

If I show the Nobleman my hand, I’ll have a purpose, one solidified by my growing feelings for him. Staying by the Nobleman’s side doesn’t seem to be the worst thing in the world. But is it enough to believe solely because it is easier than doubt?

*****

After the service at the Haven, I tell the girls to meet me in the room once their duties are done for the day. Now, I must find the Nobleman, hoping he isn’t too angry with me about running off yesterday.

I stand to go look for him, only to be intercepted by Perfection. 

“Hello, Vessel Lucy.” A glacial freeze rushes the room. “What do you think the Council will decide to call you at your Naming Ceremony?”

“I have no clue … I haven’t really thought about it.”

“How about Thief?” she throws at me.

“What? Why?”

“Don’t play games with me. I know you’ve been spending all your time with the Nobleman. You promised me you weren’t interested. You told me to my face you wanted nothing to do with him.”

I shake my head. “That was before….”

“Before what? Before you saw how gorgeous he was and decided the words you said to me meant nothing?” She purses her lips, shaking her head. “I did my best to be nice to you, Lucy, and this is how you repay me?”

“You were only nice because you wanted something, that’s insincere.”

“Oh, so you’re holier than thou now?” She tugs on Agreement’s hand. “Come on, I need to go get ready for my lunch date.”

“Who are you having lunch with?”

“Oh, just the person I’ve spent years preparing for. You can’t just swoop in and take him from me.”

As I turn and walk away, my chest burns. I hate that she can get under my skin so fast. I don’t know what to do with a girl like her. Honestly, I don’t know what to do with anyone, there are too many relationships to juggle and I’m used to handling only my small compound of familiar faces.

I exit the Haven and see Mom, standing alone in an alcove, waiting for me.

“Mo….” I correct myself. “Clarity. Hi.”

“I heard you have a Naming Ceremony tomorrow evening.”

“Yes, will you be there?” My voice is filled with an embarrassing amount of hope.

“Of course, the pew will be full of Humbleman Resolve’s family, your family.”

“I don’t know those people. Resolve has only spoken to me once and it was full of threats.” I remember the night clear as day, when he locked Basil away and I let it happen.

“Don’t speak against him, Lucy. Swear to me you won’t!” Her voice shushes me with its urgency, and I don’t understand her devotion to her Humbleman.

“Fine.” I cross my arms in a feeble attempt at self-preservation. “Why are you so in love with this place? If you didn’t notice, I’m freaking out here.”

“Don’t be that way. You need to listen to these people, believe me.” She reaches her hand to my arm, and pats me, but it feels patronizing and I pull away hard, causing her to wince at my sudden jerk.

“Mom, what happened to you?” I ask, as she holds her arm by the elbow.

“Nothing you need to worry about.” Her eyes dart around the room, searching for eavesdroppers. Thankfully the Haven’s cleared with everyone already returning to their duties for the day. I pull up the cotton sleeve of her dress and see a tight bandage over her arm.

“Is that some sort of cast? Mom, did you break your arm?”

“I fell, last night.” Her words are crisp and tight, but I need her to be gentle. I need her bandaged arm to wrap me close, to whisper promises that everything is going to be okay and tell me she knows how to heal all the broken bits our lives have become. I need her to be a person she no longer is.

“You’re lying to me. Look, I can’t deal with any more half-truths. You should know that better than anyone. I need you to be straight with me. Did Resolve do this to you?”

“You never used to be this stubborn, Lucy. Leaving the compound has turned you into a whole different person.”

Me into a different person, what about her?

I remember Integrity’s words about Mom, “
…that’s why your mother’s fitting in so well. She worked hard to prepare despite the people around her telling her she was a fool. She wants to believe in a world worth staying alive for. She’s found purpose here.”

Maybe she hasn’t changed at all, maybe she was determined to stay alive, but freedom isn’t something she can remember. She wants to believe her choice to go below ground in that bunker sixteen years ago had a purpose, a point, and The Light gives her choice meaning.

Maybe I am the one who’s changing.

“You’re right, I am different than I was before.” I let my guard down and wrap her in a hug, needing the comfort it provides, even if it is unnatural. It’s time to let the dream of Mom coming to rescue me die. We don’t live in a world where that’s her job, not anymore.

As we hold our embrace she whispers in my ear, “You’ve always been different, Lucy. I’ve told you before, that’s why I needed us to come here, because I know you’re important to The Light.”

Breathless, I let go and look in her eyes to see if she knew about the prophecy, if she knew more than she’s ever let on.

She swallows hard, and looks pained as she lets go of me. I brush against her arm, and she flinches, letting out a small cry.