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chapter thirty-three

I
take Timid back to the secret garden Lukas’ mother created. He hasn’t come around all afternoon, and I’m glad for it. My heart is too fragile for more angry words or misunderstandings.

We sit quietly; heavy with the loss of those we loved. As I strum my fingers mindlessly through Timid’s hair, lying in the overgrown grass, I find myself thinking about the tree at the compound. I imagine apple blossoms covering the faces of the dead, and though it’s morbid to think that way, my roots have dug deep into the earth and it isn’t easy to extract myself, to be free of the people who’ve held me tight for so long. Now, no one from that place remains but me. Memories of the compound are mine to bear and if I let them go, it will be as if they never existed.

I’ve read about funerals in books, and Mom told me stories of what they were like before the blackout. People put in wooden boxes, then buried beneath the ground. Churches full of people saying goodbye before sending the departed off from this world to the next.

If there’s a service here for Mom I won’t be going. Not when her murderer is sitting in a pew, feigning sorrow over a woman he never knew. Instead I send her off on my own, I imagine Mom with everyone else at the compound, under the apple tree.

I shake the limbs, watching petals fall, covering her battered body. Then I place Mom’s fingers around Dad’s, because even if she hated him for what he chose in the end, at some point in their story they loved one another so much, so deeply, they couldn’t imagine a world where either of them were dead. So they built the bunker, and then the house on top. They built each wall in hopes that they would have a chance to survive with one another.

I close my eyes tight, remembering the way they look, the sound of their voices. My mind is already playing tricks on me. It’s hard to separate the bad memories from the good intentions. It’s hard to separate the love from the fear, because in this story, they intersect at every turn.

“Lucy,” Timid asks, “what do we do next? To find Hana?”

“I know what I want to do, but I don’t know how to do it,” I answer.

“Will you tell me about the outside world? I’ve never been.”

“You’ve never once been outside the Refuge?” I ask surprised, knowing they aren’t foolish enough here to think the air’s dangerous, or that the virus still lurks. The air isn’t the risk, the taste of freedom is.

“Most boys and Humblemen do, they work with the animals. And some older Vessels get to go outside, the ones who help with the showers for new followers and the one’s with the most beautiful voices have the best job, they get to travel on the boats to greet the new members of the fold. I always thought maybe if was good enough maybe I’d get those jobs when I’m older. But I don’t want those jobs anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Because now all I want to do is leave. The Refuge is scary.” She takes my hands and holds it tight. “Hana and I were together the whole time the incident happened, Lucy. She didn’t do anything bad, but the Councilmen didn’t care.”

“I know she didn’t. I’ll make it right, I promise.” I offer her words I hope are true.

I get up from the ground, determined to find out which Refuge Basil and Hana have been taken. If I know that, we can go get them, otherwise they’ll both become prisoners somewhere, and I can’t let that happen. Lukas and I deserve to take their place.

“Timid, you go back to our room. I’m going to get information about where the girls went. Okay?” I stand to go, but Timid’s arms pull around my neck, her small hands squeezing tight.

“Lucy, be careful. I can’t lose you, too,” she whispers in my ear.

I let go, intent on finding Integrity. He sees things different than the other men. He wanted me to understand The Light, and when Integrity touched my shoulder in the Haven, a charge passed between us. He holds the pulse of energy that I have only ever felt with Lukas. He knows more than he is letting on.

I walk towards the Chambers, but my path is blocked by a group of Vessels walking down the hall. I can’t make out the words they sing, since I’ve managed to skip the choir practices, but the sounds are beautiful. I can’t decipher the words, but it’s clearly a mourning song.

I’ve walked into the funeral procession for Mom. I cover my eyes with my hands, not wanting to be a part of these lies. Needing to leave, I try to move to the side and walk away unnoticed. Before I can, I see her body carried on a stretcher, covered in a white sheet. The Councilmen carry her body, but Integrity doesn’t even glance in my direction, to my relief.

As they pass, I see Humbleman Resolve hold a corner of the pallet on which Mom lies. I want him to fall to his knees, begging for forgiveness, and I want to strangle him, but that isn’t what happens. He simply walks past me carrying my dead mother, not realizing the daughter of the woman he killed stands on the sidelines watching him walk pass. I turn my head so I don’t see her body, wanting to remember her under the apple tree, with blossoms fluttering in her hair like I dreamt for her.

Resolve’s mates follow behind him, and the last Vessel to pass me is Duty. She looks straight ahead, a broken woman who must fix her eyes on the few things she can do, move one foot in front of the next, do as her Humbleman says, keep her eyes on the light.

There are such few things a woman here can hang onto because we’ve all become fuel for someone else’s strength, and Lukas is no different than the rest of us. I wait until the processional passes and then move in the opposite direction down the hall, my stomach twisting in agony.

              I turn in the opposite direction, my breath short and my fears fulfilled, knowing I need a moment to collect myself. When I pass the door of the
Bathhouse
,I slip inside. A thick cloud of steam greets me and I can’t make out who’s here. Voices float towards me, and I follow them, stopping when I hear my name.

“Lucy’s like that, though. She constantly fights with the Nobleman.  Earlier tonight I saw her yell at him in the hallway.”

“Perfection?” I ask, stepping through the steam letting her know I’m there, wishing I could have been afforded a minute or two alone.

“Oh, Lucy … I didn’t….”

“What?” I have no patience for her.

“I didn’t mean for you to hear me.” Perfection grabs a towel and gets out of the water, wrapping the white cloth around her, coming towards me. “Justice just wanted to know what happened with Basil, and then her sister Grace.” She points to the girl still sitting in the warm water. “I was telling her how they were both sent to Refuge Two. I am doing my duty as a
faithful Vessel
by ending rumors and sharing the truth. You know, bringing things to the light.”

The moment I hear her say Refuge Two, I want to leave and find a way to get the Hana and Basil. Another part of me, the confident part that usually lies dormant, doesn’t want to let this go. I have had enough of this girl, and her flippant comments about the people I love put me over the edge.

“And you think discussing the Nobleman and me is bringing things into the light?” I ask, filled with more anger than this isolated incident probably merits, but she has earned my wrath.

“Don’t come in here telling me what I’m doing wrong,” Perfection says, arrogance buzzing around her words.

“Then don’t sit around gossiping about me and my future mate!”

“You’re no different than me, Lucy. You think you are, you think you’re special because he chose you, but you’re nothing more than a spoiled girl who ruins things for everyone else!”

I already know what I’ve ruined. I ruined everything for Basil. I ruined everything for Hana.  I don’t want Perfection’s ruin on my back, too. I’m not strong enough to carry all of this guilt around.

“I’m sorry, Perfection,” I say, my eyes filled with regret for waiting so long to be this girl, the one who sees her part in the mess. “I’m sorry for taking the Nobleman from you. I never meant for it to happen. I never in a million years imagined things happening this way, but they did. Not because I wanted to hurt you, not because I wanted to ruin your life. I didn’t choose to be with him, it just is!” My voice resilient, matching how I feel inside, unwavering.

Perfection looks at me stunned and scared in all her bond-hair-blue-eyed glory, and she looks like the girl I know well. The girl still trying to find herself in this mess of a life we’ve been thrust in. The girl who’s skin I spent sixteen years tying to shed.

Knowing I have the answer I need: the girls are on Refuge Two, and knowing that time is not on my side, I leave the
Bathhouse
to find Lukas. I’ve already lost enough from living in fear; I don’t want to lose him, too.

With my head down and my heart ripped to shreds, I walk to the door leading to the ledge. Unlocking it I think only of the cool night air. Once inside, I slam it shut, pounding my feet to the top of the stairs, desperate to make my way to the top, to swing open the latch. I want to climb out to the ledge, and at the top of my lungs, scream.

I want to scream to the black, star-filled sky. Scream for Mom and Basil and Hana. Scream for Lukas’ parents who left him and scream for Dad who left me. Scream for the girls locked in dark rooms and for the girls too terrified to live. Scream for Lukas, for Timid, for me. For the freedom we’ve never found, the freedom that eludes us now.

When I reach the landing, ready to face the night sky, I stop.

I am not alone.

chapter thirty-four

L
ukas is on the landing; the window opened wide, his screams loud and clear. Seeing him on the ledge, his face streaked with angry tears, his hands raised in fists, I know the sky has been filled with enough screaming for one night.

He looks out towards the world, showing the moon his face. In the dark of night all his features are lit, his tilted nose and his strong jaw shine like the stars overhead. The pain on his face reveals his day has been filled with heartache too. Realizing your own limited capacity to create change isn’t something anyone wants to learn. He wants to be limitless, but he isn’t, his light imprisons him.

“Lukas?” I whisper, not wanting to scare him. I just want him to know he’s not alone, that he never has to be alone again.

“Lucy?” He turns, dropping his arms when he sees me standing on the landing. My hand still flickers, ever so slightly from opening the door downstairs. I move towards him, wanting to press my hand on his face and wipe away all the hurt his tears have been born from.

“I am so glad Timid gave you the message. I went to your room, asking for you, but you were gone.”

“She didn’t tell me,” I say, slipping through the window to be closer to him. “She didn’t need to tell me where to go, I will always find you, Lukas. Always.” I press my hand against his face, wiping the tears away. My touch against his cheek sends a cascade of diamond shaped lights into the dark sky. I pull my arms around him, knowing my screams would have paled in comparison to the fireworks we make when our bodies connect.  His body envelops mine, holding me up.

“Lucy, I’m so sorry for yelling, for leaving when you needed me.”

Nothing matters anymore, the fight or the fears, all that matters is us. I press my hands across his shoulders, the place he carries the weight of the Refuge and his exhale tells me he needs my touch as much as I need his.

“I saw the funeral pass.” I close my eyes at horror of it, as if it will make the images disappear. “Vessels sang and Resolve carried her, his hands next to her body. The body he broke … and no one’s doing anything about it, Lukas. Duty looked so horrible … I couldn’t watch.”

“I spent all evening trying to find a solution, a plan.” Lukas pulls away, looking into my eyes while he speaks.

“Did you figure something out?” My words steeped with hope.

“There is nothing, Lucy. Nothing that will work out for everyone.”

“Then we aren’t thinking hard enough. We thought for sure we were done for after opening the doors, but we made our way out of that.”

“But it cost Hana her life, Lucy. Do you not see? There are lives at stake.”

“Doing nothing will cost more lives. More women will end up like my mother. Dead. And that is just our Refuge. Think of the other two Refuges.”

“Lucy, your desire for justice is admirable, but I won’t lose you, and I will if we try to start a revolution inside the walls of the Refuge.”

“Duty has promised there are Vessels on our side, they can help,” I attempt again.

“No, Lucy, they can’t. Whatever could they do on their own?”

“You’re trying to make everything impossible, like you don’t want to see a way out.” We’re getting nowhere, but still I press on, “I was thinking, maybe Integrity can help us, he seems different than the rest. We can go ask him now.”

“I don’t want you to be disappointed; it’s not as easy as just getting him on our side. There are a lot of Councilmen working against what you want.”

“Then we should go outside the walls, find the
Safe House
and Charlie and your parents.”

“Why do you want to find him so bad?” His eyes question me again, as if my motives are less than pure, as if I am choosing Charlie over him.

“I want to find
freedom
Lukas, for me and the Vessels. I’ve been searching for meaning in all of this, in coming here, in meeting you, in the light inside of me. Well, this is the reason: to help the women here. My mother’s death won’t be in vain!”

I try to swallow the air I had been desperate for while I climbed the steps, but it doesn’t have the effect I wanted. After today everything tastes stale and dry. I sit down on the ledge, exhausted from all this fighting.

“I am sorry. I have no right to question you. If you say that is why you want to find Charlie, I trust you.”

Trust. Hearing the word sends a dagger through my heart.

“I hate that word. Trust.”

“Why?” Lukas sits down next to me, leaning his back against the outer wall of the Refuge.

“My dad told me to trust him the night he tried to poison me to death.”

“Did you? Trust him?”

“Completely, I had no reason not to. If my mom wouldn’t have saved me from his plan, I wouldn’t be here.” Saying it out loud makes the truth sound horrific. It turns my father into a monster, but I know he wasn’t a monster, he was scared.

“Then don’t trust me. Have faith in me.”

“Lukas, I’ve never questioned my faith in you.”

As if he can read my mind Lukas asks, “Faith in me or faith in me as the prophet?”

“Does it have to mean two different things?” I ask.

“I am not the prophet. Remember, I am Lukas and I am yours.” He pushes a strand of hair from my cheek, tucking it behind my ear and the display of light causes me to smile in wonder, together we make magic.

“Before I came here, I’d never met a person my age before,” I tell him. “Five adults lived at the compound with me. I assumed I would live and die out there in the valley. I had no reason to dream, to think of a future, to imagine more.”

“And now?” he asks, biting his lip.

“And now I can’t believe I had
this
in store for me.” I lay back against the wall, by his side.

“Timid said you were going to ask Integrity where Basil went, but I figured it out.” He says this as if he just remembered why we’ve been running, arguing, fighting all day. “I’m an idiot for not thinking of it before, but she must be at Refuge Two.”

My smile is broad; we’re finally getting somewhere. “I went to the
Bathhouse
and Perfection told me the same thing, she said that’s where Hana and Basil both went, so that’s where we need to go.” There’s hope, there’s more we can do. All is not lost. “Do you think we can make it to Refuge Two somehow?”

Lukas’ face washes over with a matte white in a way I’ve never seen. After a moment his light returns fully, and when it does, he speaks slow, as if he has to concentrate to bring the light back on.

“Refuge Two is divided. One part is a warehouse, for Vessels who do not behave. They perform the horrible jobs, you know how here there’s never any garbage or dirt here, how everything is pristine?” I nod yes and he continues. “Well, it’s because the warehouse is the machine that keeps all the Refuges looking perfect.”

“What’s the second part?” I ask, scared of what it might be but hoping it’s better than Hana working with heavy machinery. There’s no way she would be able to handle a grueling job, she’s a child.

“The second part is a hospital.”

“Hana won’t go there, she’s not sick, but I saw Basil before she left and she was in terrible shape.” I exhale in relief. “This is good, Lukas, they can help her there.”

“Not that kind of hospital.” He swallows hard, like he doesn’t want to say the next part. “It is worse than the dark rooms.”

“Nothing is worse than the dark rooms, Lukas.”

“According to The Light it is the only way to make people see the truth, to become true followers again.”

“I thought you just learned of the dark rooms this week?”

“That is the truth.” Lukas eyes me like I’m missing the point, and I think I am. “I just learned that they were here at Refuge One and Three. I always knew of the hospital because I was told of the cruel and wicked Vessels sent there. Now I know that’s not the case, the Vessels are innocent victims; the true corruption is the Council. I was so blind before I met you, Lucy.”

“You go to that Refuge, spend months there, and do nothing to stop it?” I hate hearing about Lukas spending his life idly allowing people to use him, and at the same time abuse women and children.

“Listen to yourself, you expect me to do something in a world I am not in charge of. If I stop using my power, by charging things with my light, then the alternative is everyone is left with nothing. No food. No clean water. No heat. No fuel. Nothing!” He’s yelling at me now, and I fear I’ve pushed him too far, to places we aren’t ready to go. “You have no idea the pressure on me to keep the world running. If I stop giving my light, everything stops. Do you understand?”

“I thought we were meant to be together, that we have this light for a reason greater than us, but all we’ve done today is scream.”

“We scream because we have too much on our shoulders. This is too heavy a burden to bear, Lucy.” He crumbles in my arms.

I know by his trembling that he’s been holding everything inside, for too many years. Probably since his family abandoned him.

“Let me carry some of the burden,” I whisper.

“Lucy, one day this will be over. One day I will lose my light, you saw what happened to me the other night. I may have this light right now, but I am still only human. I think it can only work for so long, even with your recharging hand.” He folds his hands over mine. “Will you still want me then, if I am stripped away of all this glimmering light and the title of Nobleman?”

“I could not want you more or want you less. I want you. Just you.” I pull him to me, letting his hand slide across my back. He wraps me tight in his strong arms, as if he is promising to never let me go.

He touches my lips with his fingers, and my breath stops as I wait for his lips to reach closer to mine. His fingers trace my cheeks, and then trail to my neck as he wraps his hands behind me, willing me to him. I can’t take another moment of waiting and wanting. All I want is his mouth on mine.

“I love you, Lucy.”

I close my eyes, letting his words sink in the cracks of my heart. The places I never imagined could be filled so deep, so wide, so fast. But they have been, in a wholly unexpected way.

“I love you, Lukas.” The words hang in the sky filled with a million stars, none as bright as us.

Our lips connect, sending our bodies closer still, as though we’re magnetically pulled to one another. Our impulse to touch each other’s skin isn’t what propels us tighter; it is the pulse running through us, charging his body to mine.

My body’s alive as we sit on the ledge, his hands wrap around my waist, drawing me to him. As his lips press into mine, everything The Light requested of me when we arrived here by boat, to give all of myself, mind, body and soul, I am fulfilling now.

Then the charge pulling us together stops and the magnetic power ends. We pull apart from one another, confused. Lukas’ face is no longer lit; it’s hollow, the same way he looked when he was lying on his bed, close to death.

“Lukas?” I ask, touching his face. “Are you okay?”

My breath stops for a moment, fearing he’s sick again, or worse. Forest’s warning of snapping the connectors of two batteries together and creating combustion swims through my mind. Instinctively I press my hands on his forehead and my palms radiate with light. He looks in my eyes, and we both know he hasn’t gone anywhere.

“I’m okay, Lucy,” he smiles, and as my hand presses against him, his face fills with light once more, the way it has always been. “I do feel different though.”

“Because of our kiss?” I realize the drain of stamina I felt when I helped the Vessels in the dark rooms doesn’t affect me now. Lukas and I don’t empty one another of our strength; we fill each other.

“It’s as though a heaviness has been lifted.”

“Do you think it was because of us?”

“I am not sure of anything anymore.” His fingers lace mine, supporting me.

“I’m sure. We can do anything, as long as we’re together.”

              Before we’re able to risk a kiss again, there’s a pounding of feet on the stairs and a small voice calls out, “Lucy? Nobleman? Are you up here?”

Timid reaches the landing, terrified.