Flow (The Beat and the Pulse #6) (16 page)

T
he moment
I laid eyes on Lori, an overwhelming surge of anger pooled in my gut.

She was sitting there with Ma,
both of them smiling
, and it felt like someone had kicked me square in the balls. I would’ve told her eventually, but in my own time and my own way. This was private. We’d only been together a week.

Ma didn’t have long left. I could see it in everything she did, no matter what Dr. Schwartz said. I could tell she was slipping away. Having Lori show up like this just emphasized the point.

Did I want her to know my mother? Did I care about her that much? I didn’t know about that, but I did know she came here uninvited.

Standing in an alcove, I held my tongue, trying to think of a way to say everything without being an asshole. I couldn’t, and maybe it was because I needed to be.

“I’m sorry,” Lori said.

“You had no right comin’ here,” I hissed, grabbing her arm and tugging her toward me. “No right at all. I don’t even know how the hell you knew about her.”

“Bel,” she blurted. “The other week, she cut her hand open, and I brought her to the ER. I saw you.”

“But I wasn’t…” I never went anywhere near emergency… “Did you follow me?”

Her mouth opened and closed as her eyes filled with tears.

“
Did you follow me?
”

“You weren’t telling me,” she said, her entire body beginning to tremble. “You didn’t trust me. You were meant to be here…”

“And you thought this was the way to gain my trust?” I scoffed and let her go. “
She’s my mother
.”

“I’m sorry!”

“You need to leave,” I snapped.

“Hamish, please…” she pleaded, her voice breaking.

I began to grind my teeth, the volcano inside of me I knew was on the brink of erupting, already bubbling over. I couldn’t handle this shit anymore. I was doing just fine before Lori came along and complicated matters. Josie…
shit
. I’d never felt conflicted about her.

Things were easy with Josie because I’d never felt like I had to take her feelings into consideration…which made me a total dick. With Lori… Lori made things hard. Lori made me want to tear the world apart. Lori made me so angry I had to restrain myself or else I’d go on a rampage of self-destruction.

“I can’t do this with you,” I said.

“What?”

“Whatever this was, it’s done.”

“No, Hamish… We can work this out. Talk it through. I want to help you…”

“Like goin’ behind my back was helpin’,” I snarled. “
She’s everythin’ to me
. For years, I’ve cared for her. Fightin’ to pay the bills. Fightin’ to make sure she’s had the best care even when she couldn’t remember who the fuck I was. You don’t get to come in here and tell me we can work it out. You can’t work it out. She’s got weeks to live, Lori.” I hissed and turned away, running my hand over my face in frustration.

She didn’t say anything, but I could hear her quiet sobs. She was crying? She didn’t get to cry.

“I don’t want to see you again,” I said. “I think you should leave.”

She sniffed behind me, and finally, the sound of her footsteps echoed down the hall as she walked away. I didn’t turn around to watch her leave. I couldn’t.

She’d betrayed me in the worst possible way, and to me, that was unforgivable.

Leaning against the wall, I took a few deep breaths, letting my anger simmer until I had it back under my control. Now that she was gone, I realized I’d desperately wanted her to be the one. It was the same way I’d felt about Josie, and the blindness I’d felt toward the truth blocked out all the things that were wrong with our relationship. I’d done the exact same thing with Lori, and it wasn’t until the moment I saw her sitting in that room with Ma, that I actually realized it. I was a fool, damned to make the same mistakes over and over again.

Walking back into Ma’s room, I sat beside the bed, ignoring the look of disapproval she was giving me.

When I couldn’t take it anymore, I snapped, “What?”

Ma stared at me with a raised eyebrow. “You’re a stupid boy, Hamish McBride.”

“
Ma, please
.”

“I felt myself slip,” she said with a frown. “She was there, and then I couldn’t place her face, but somethin’ inside me knew she was important.”

I squared my jaw.

“I know you’re afraid. You’ve lost your da, and you’re losin’ me…
twice
.” Once to Alzheimer’s and again to cancer. “You’re pushin’ her away because you’re afraid of losin’ her, too.”

“She betrayed my trust by comin’ here,” I argued. “I didn’t—”

She whacked me with a fork, the stainless steel slapping against my shoulder. “She took matters into her own hands because she knew you’d never tell her.”

“Did she say that to you?” I asked, squaring my jaw.

“She didn’t have to.”

“She’s not comin’ back,” I said stubbornly.

“Because of your stubborn pride,” Ma said, giving me a verbal smackdown. “You think what you just did was any different from the thing you’re tryin’ to avoid?
Stupid boy
.”

“Ma…” I shook my head. “She… I made the right decision.”

“She’s lovely,” she murmured, grasping my hand in both of hers. “I’d feel better knowin’ she’s here with you. I think you made a mistake just now.”

I pulled my hands away and shook my head. I’d made a lot of mistakes since Ma was first diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. Some, I could pin on grief or emotional hardship. Others, I could put down to my stupid Irish pride. With Lori, it had been a matter of trust. Ma meant the world to me, so I kept her close, and to have Lori come in uninvited…

“Forget about me,” I said. “Let me do what I think’s best for my own life, Ma. I’m a grown-ass man.”

“And I’m still your mother, Hamish McBride,” she snapped. “You haven’t taken the test either, have you?”

I snorted. Of course, I hadn’t. There were a great many things I was supposed to do but hadn’t got around to. Paying my rent was one of them.

“
Hamish
,” Ma scolded. “You fool of a boy.”

“Eat up your lunch,” I said. “It’s gettin’ cold.”

Rolling her eyes, she dug her fork back into the mashed potatoes and began to pick at them.

Maybe she was right about a lot of things, but right now, all I felt was betrayed. Now that Ma had a go at me, the sensation had taken on a slight dose of doubt. Stubbornly, I pushed the thought away and focused on the here and now. Ma was lucid for the second time in as many weeks, and I was going to stay for as long as possible because this time might be the last.

Lori had no right sticking her nose into my business like that. She had no right…

“If you don’t respect my final wishes, I’m goin’ to write you out of my will,” Ma said after a moment of blessed peace and quiet.

“If you say so, Ma.”

S
o this was
how having your heart truly ripped out felt like.

Storm had sunk the boot in, but Hamish… Hamish had plunged his hand into my chest cavity and tore my beating heart right out of my body.

The real kicker was I’d done it all by myself. I crossed the line. I went where I wasn’t welcome. I didn’t trust him to tell me in his own time. I was the one who imploded the best thing that had happened to me in my entire life. It was all my fault.

Stupid bitch
.

Bel hadn’t been home last night, so I’d been free to cry myself to sleep without her questions. I’d wallowed, deciding to leave the problem of going to work for the next day. Knowing Hamish would be there had me on edge. It used to be a tingling sensation that started in the base of my spine, spreading to my nipples, and then mainlining right into my lady parts. Now I just felt sick to my stomach with shame.

Dumping my bag in the tiny locker behind the bar, I locked my shit inside and raised my gaze. The Underground was still here and still as shitty as ever. Music pumped out of the speakers as people were filing in from outside. Bookies were setting up their odds for the night as the lineups were handed out to them by venue staff. A ring was beginning to form around the cage and the bar…which meant I had to suck it up and get on with the job I was paid for.

As I worked, I found myself scanning the crowd for Hamish. I’d stuffed up so badly I wasn’t sure how I could fix things between us, or if they could be repaired at all.

I thought about the life I’d wanted—the life I’d been too afraid to dream about—and my knees almost buckled beneath the weight of Hamish’s absence. It’d only been a day.
A day
.

He was the life I’d wanted. Hamish. I didn’t care about his money or his reputation. I cared about
him
…the person he was and the person he brought out me. He’d made me want to live life on the edge again. The edge of forever.

Why did I have to go to that fucking hospital?

“Lori.”

My heart leapt, and I turned, a surge of hope running through my nerve endings, but when my gaze collided with Storm, I felt like dry-heaving.

Scowling at him, I snapped, “What?”

“Hello to you, too,” he drawled as I began filling a pint of beer for the customer I was serving.

“If you didn’t notice, I’m busy.” I watched the beer as it left the tap, tilting the glass so the liquid wouldn’t froth too much. It was better than looking at the man who began my downward spiral.

“Can I talk to you?” Storm asked, leaning his elbows on the bar. His muscles rippled as he placed weight on his limbs, and I scowled even harder.

“No.” I turned and slid the pint in front of the customer, took their twenty-dollar note, and returned the change.

Storm stepped into my line of sight, knocking the next customer out of the way. Bloody fighters in this place thought they were made of solid gold. Asswipe.

“That was really rude,” I hissed.

Storm glanced at the guy who he’d pushed and raised an eyebrow. The guy edged away, moving down the bar to where Sandra was serving.

“Seems like he’s okay,” Storm quipped.

“
Bully
. I need the tips, and you’re scaring away the deep pockets.”

He snorted and reached into his pocket. Peeling out a green hundred-dollar bill, he held it out. My gaze fixed on the money, my heart saying take it and my head saying to ram it down his throat. Hopefully, he’d choke on it.

“Take it,” he said, extending his arm further toward me.

“I don’t want your money,” I said, edging away. “Or anything to do with you.”

Like I was stuck on autopilot, my gaze flickered over his shoulder and out into the crowd. I was looking for my Irish savior, the man who’d promised the world to me even though he’d said we were done.

As if on cue, Hamish appeared through the crowd, and for one bright, hopeful moment, I almost believed he was coming over to help rid me of the annoying leech that was stuck in front of me…but he just glanced away and kept walking. A day ago, he would’ve come over and smashed Storm’s face into the bar for ignoring his warning to stay away, but now, it was like I’d never existed. I’d gone back to being the invisible woman behind the bar in the space of a day, and it hurt like hell.

“That was cold,” Storm drawled.

I narrowed my eyes, not giving him the pleasure of a reply.

“He thinks I hit you,” he said.

I glanced at Storm, confused to the max. “What? Why? I never said…”

“I know. I know you’d never say anything like that. He jumped to his own conclusions. I don’t blame him really.”

“I don’t understand,” I said, my hands curling around the edge of the bar.

“I don’t know what the fuck that was,” he said, gesturing over his shoulder to where Hamish had been standing not a minute before. “But he really had a screw loose when he thought I’d gone out and slapped you one.”

I felt my facade begin to crumble as I realized the gravity of what I’d messed up. It was like a giant asteroid had slammed into the surface of my heart, knocking the fickle organ out of alignment. The surface temperature was plummeting, and all life that had clung to it was becoming extinct.

“Lori, I—”

“Don’t,” I said, holding up my hand to stop him. I didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. I couldn’t take another jab where it hurt, not tonight.

I closed my eyes for a moment, gathering my wits before I crumbled in public for all to see. I remembered the night I’d walked in on Storm and those women, and I allowed the pain and humiliation to wash over me. All I’d done was turn and run…but no one was chasing me. I’d just turned off all the emotions inside my heart and got on with life because that’s what I’d thought I was supposed to do. It was the exact same thing I was trying to do in the wake of Hamish.

What I should’ve done all that time ago was get mad. I wasn’t sure what I was meant to do now, but one part of the problem was standing in front of me.

Opening my eyes, I fixed on Storm and took a deep breath.

“I need you to do something for me,” I said, staring at him.

“Which is?”

“If you really care for me like you claim, then you’ll respect my wishes and keep your distance. This…” I pointed to him, and then back at me. “This isn’t helping. You need to move on, and so do I. I can’t do that if you’re constantly in my face, and neither can you.
Capiche?
”

Storm’s eyes narrowed, and he nodded. “Yeah. I get it.”

I sighed and turned my gaze down toward the top of the bar. When a thick finger wedged the hundred-dollar note under my palm, my breath caught. I was frozen in limbo—half relieved, half offended. Pride was stopping me from taking the money, not some twisted form of self-love. Money was like candy to fighters in this place. Taking money from them was akin to some kind of IOU, usually the kind that required sexual favors as payment.

“Thanks for the tip,” his deep voice rumbled, and somehow, I knew he’d just severed all the strings that still tied us together.

When I finally had the courage to glance up, he was gone, but the gaping void that Hamish’s absence had rent open inside of me was still there. It was a hole I wasn’t sure I could ever fill.

Sliding my palm across the bar, I held the money against my stomach like it was a symbol of closure and then shoved it into the hip pocket of my jeans. Maybe I should get it framed as a reminder that some fighters did have brain cells left after years of getting punched in the head. Or maybe I should just spend it all on booze to drown my sorrows.

“Are you okay?” Sandra asked, sweeping by me and grabbing a bottle of bourbon from the shelf beside my head.

“Yeah,” I muttered, snapping to attention.

“You look a little dazed,” she said, pouring two fingers of liquor into a glass.

Taking a deep breath, I offered her a smile. “I’m fine.”

Then I turned to the next customer and took their order because the world didn’t wait for the brokenhearted. It just got busy rotating around the sun and didn’t pause for an insignificant speck that served piss behind a long bench of germ-encrusted wood.

For a few days, I’d felt the euphoria of being in love with a fighter. Not lust, which was what I’d felt for Storm, but love. Real, bona fide, solid love. It was raw, uncontrollable, and consuming. I’d gotten swept up in the romance and had all but forgotten how fast I could fall when things inevitably went wrong because that was Lori Walker in a nutshell.

Things always went tits up when the going was good.

This life…it wasn’t working anymore, and there was only one thing I could do.

In a moment of clear-headed passion, I strode down the length of the busy bar and tapped the new manager on the shoulder. When he turned around, I declared, “I quit!”

He blinked at me in bewilderment, and if he said anything, I didn’t hear it. I’d already grabbed my bag and jacket and was headed toward the door.

I quit!