Fool That I Am (3 page)

“And in my refrigerator and in my coffee can, and in the sun
visor of my car, and a million other hiding places you knew I wouldn’t find
until you left,” she interrupted him rudely.

He flashed a cocky grin that stole her breath and agreed,
“Damn, I’m good.”

I bet you are,
her hormones thought naughtily.
Resolutely ignoring her libido, she continued, “But you
are
still giving
me money, Sam. Just because it’s not in cash form doesn’t make it any less a
handout. I know you paid $200 on my cell phone bill, and then there was the
gift card to the grocery store that showed up in the mail on Saturday, and now
the Amazon card for Derrick. You already do too much for us, Sam, and I can’t
keep accepting your charity.”

His eyebrows lowered in annoyance as he turned a peeved look
her way. “Why do you keep saying ‘charity’ like I’m some billionaire donor and
you’re a third-world child I’m sponsoring for pennies a day? You’re my friend,
damn it, and I love those kids in there. It’s a simple concept, B.J., but
you’re the one who keeps making it difficult. You’re a single mother trying to
support two children and I’m a bachelor with expendable income. I don’t
understand the problem.”

Frustration warred with affection as Billie struggled to
come up with a way to explain it to him. “The problem, Sam, is that I feel like
you keep swooping in to save me. I’m a grown woman. I’ve made my choices with
my life and now I have to deal with the consequences. I can do this on my own
without your money to pave the way. You’re my friend, damn it, not my Sugar
Daddy!” she exclaimed, throwing his words back at him.

His nostrils flared and a fire lit within his eyes as they
narrowed on her. “You’re right about that part, B.J. I’m not your Sugar Daddy,
because that would imply that I got to screw you in return for the gifts. Don’t
insult me like that again, little girl,” he warned her with a hint of anger
that made her blood race dangerously.

“Or you’ll do what, big boy?” she threw down the gauntlet
carelessly. Snapping her beer bottle down on the plastic tabletop, she stood to
her feet so she felt like she was equal ground. “You want to help me and my
kids? Then why don’t you convince their lazy-ass daddy to pay his child
support? It’s
his
responsibility to support them, not yours!” She knew
she was crossing a line with Sam, because he had made it very clear to both her
and Chad that he would not choose sides or be pulled into the middle of their
issues.

“That’s not fair, Billie Jean,” he growled in answer. He
only called her by her name when he was angry, but Billie didn’t care. She was
angry, too. “I don’t let him talk about you, so I can’t let you get away with
it, either. I’m not his daddy and I can’t control what he does or does not do,
even for you. I can only control what I do and what I want to do is help my
friend any way that I can.”

Billie tried not to resent him for his stance and continued
loyalty to Chad, but it was difficult. Still, she felt her resistance crumble
in the face of his heated stare. Her fingers twitched in longing to smooth away
his frown lines, but she held back. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, Sam,
because I really do. But you have to respect my boundaries and back off. If you
want to help me and the kids, then just continue to be here for us. You want to
rake my yard or clean my gutters? That’s fine. You want to take the kids out to
a movie so I can get some errands done? That’s awesome. But I can’t keep
accepting your money, Sam. I just can’t. Can you try to understand that?” she
pleaded with him.

Surging to his feet, Sam ran his hands through his hair with
impatience. “I’m sorry, but I really don’t understand it. You want to know why?
Because if you started dating someone seriously tomorrow, you would not only
accept help from him, you would expect it. How is that right, Billie Jean? I’ve
known you for almost fifteen years and been your friend for longer than
Derrick’s been alive, but yet my money isn’t welcome? That’s bullshit.”

“It’s not bullshit!” Billie countered, losing her temper.
“Ask anyone around and they will tell you that it isn’t right! Connie, Shanay,
Jessica, and Irene are my friends, but they don’t fill my gas tank or offer to
pay my electric bill. You’re treating me like your kid sister who’s too big of
a screw-up to take care of herself. You are not my brother, you’re not my
daddy, and you’re
not
my boyfriend!” she exclaimed, poking him in the
chest for emphasis.

He grabbed her hand, tugged her into his chest, and snaked
his arm around her back until her body was flush with his. His breathing was
harsh and his nostrils were flared in anger. His voice was hoarse with emotion
as he hissed, “That’s right, B.J., I’m not your boyfriend. Because if I were
your boyfriend, I would get to do this.”

His mouth crushed hers in a kiss full of heat and
frustration meant to punish and dominate. But he didn’t count on Billie’s
answering passion or the feel of her hands traveling up his chest to wrap
around his neck. He didn’t anticipate that she would kiss him back with equal
fervor, rising up on her tip toes to press more of her curves against him or
that she would taste better than he had ever dreamed. He didn’t count on his
control slipping this badly to the point that he was perilously close to
forgetting his promises, his morals, and his friendships.

With supreme effort, Sam pulled away from Billie and stared
at her in shock. “I’m sorry, B.J.,” he whispered raggedly, “It won’t happen
again. Goodbye, Billie Jean.” Before she could gather her wits or form a reply,
he disappeared into the darkness.

Billie stood on the porch alone for several minutes with her
fingertips resting against her swollen lips as she tried to calm her racing
pulse and stunned mind. On the one hand, she was deliriously happy that Sam had
kissed her after all these years of longing for him. On the other hand, it
wasn’t likely to happen again. She couldn’t shake the feeling that his last
words to her were also his final ones.

Sam Garrett sat behind the wheel of his black Dodge Ram
pickup after he arrived in the driveway of his home in Elizabethtown and
finally allowed himself the luxury of metaphorically kicking himself in the
ass.

“Goddammit! What was I thinking?!” he cursed himself
soundly. If he could make a clone of himself right now, he would tell it to
punch him in the face for being such a stupid ass.

As he exited the truck and slammed the door behind him, he
continued to furiously berate himself for losing control of the situation so
easily. For years, he had kept his feelings for Billy Jean Hardesty a secret
from everyone, especially from her and his best friend Chad. He had fallen in
love with her all those years ago during their sophomore year of high school,
but Chad had spoken up first and called “dibs.” Out of a long-standing
agreement between them from their boyhood days of chasing little girls around
the playground, once one of them set their sights on a woman, she was
off-limits to the other. That’s just what friends should do and Sam took those
vows seriously.

He had thought that his feelings for the kind-hearted and
beautiful girl would eventually fade away or that he would find someone else to
make him forget her, but that had never happened. He had dated countless women,
several of them for months at a time, but none of them came close to measuring
up to her.  It’s not that he thought B.J. was perfect, far from it. He
knew from first-hand experience that she was stubborn, prideful, too
compassionate at times, and suffered from major self-esteem issues, but all
that was just part of who she was. He also knew that she was beautiful with
long, thick hair that he would love to dig his fingers into and her body was
still smoking hot after two kids. And now, thanks to his stupidity, he also
knew that her lips were like silk and her mouth was warm, sweet, and talented.

Shaking the memory of her kiss out of his head, he let
himself into his brick ranch house. It was located at the end of a cul-de-sac
in an old neighborhood, not far from the Catholic church downtown where he went
to school as a kid. His father had tried to convince him to build his own
house, especially since he worked in construction, but it just didn’t feel
right to build a home when he didn’t have a family to consider. So, instead, he
bought this old ranch house and worked on it until it was renovated with modern
amenities. It suited his bachelor lifestyle just fine.

Grabbing a cold beer from the fridge, Sam made his way into
the living room and collapsed on the soft, red microfiber couch that B.J. had
helped him pick out when he first moved in here five years ago. He couldn’t
hold back the half-smile that appeared on his face as he thought back to the
day they had gone furniture shopping together. She had been so achingly lovely
with her hair pulled back into a high ponytail, her face shining with
excitement, and her belly softly distended with her pregnancy. Sam had known that
Chad was out hooking up with another woman that day, so he hadn’t felt guilty
for getting Billie out of the house with such a flimsy excuse as needing her
help decorating his home.

God, even with her body beginning to swell with a baby, or
maybe even because of it, he had still desired her. He couldn’t understand why
Chad would complain about her changing body and how it turned him off when it
was all he could do to be around her without a constant hard-on. Even now, he
had to readjust himself for comfort because his scumbag brain wouldn’t quit
replaying that kiss over and over in graphic detail.

Groaning in misery, Sam buried his head in his hands. He had
ruined everything with that kiss tonight. There’s no way he could ever trust
himself around her again, not now that he knew what she tasted like or how good
it felt with her breasts and thighs molded against him. He had taken something
precious, their friendship, and thrown it away in the heat of the moment. Even
with the memory of her passionate response, he knew he couldn’t take the chance
on it happening again. He knew he had been playing with fire by continuing his
friendship with her after the divorce, but he hadn’t been able to help himself.
He was the enamored moth to her open flame. It only made sense that he would
eventually get burned.

He finally remembered the beer and twisted the cap off and
took a long pull. Clenching his jaw, he rested the cool glass against his
forehead and faced the hard truth: he could no longer be friends with Billie Jean.
It was too hard on him to continue to love her in silence and to watch her
eventually meet and marry someone else. He knew it wasn’t fair to her to
suddenly change the rules, but there was no other way around it. As long as she
was in his life, no other woman would stand a chance. As long as he was in her
life, she would always wonder how he really felt about her.

At least he could still see the kids during Chad’s weekends.
He had adored them from the moment they were born and had taken an active role
in their lives from the beginning. Derrick was so smart that it was scary and
his slender, lanky frame housed an old soul. He was a far cry from the son that
Chad had anticipated: he had expected a rambunctious sports nut like himself
who would eventually play football and basketball. However, Derrick’s acute
asthma had shot those dreams down before they even got started, and he showed
no interest in organized sports unless it involved Quidditch. Sam was so proud
of that kid and couldn’t wait to see where his intelligence would take him in
life.

Then, there was Lola. Sam knew he shouldn’t feel this way,
but he thought of her as his child. By the time Billie had discovered her
accidental pregnancy, her marriage was already dangerously on the rocks. Chad,
angry and bitter at the assumption that Billie had done it on purpose, had
found every excuse to be absent from the house by telling his wife that he had
to work when he was really seeing other women. So, Sam had gladly stepped into
the breach. He had helped her around the house, taken her to doctor’s
appointments, and he even got to be there for the ultrasound when she found out
it was a girl. The first time he held Lola in his arms, he felt his heart
squeeze so hard that it hurt. He fell in love with those tiny gold curls and
those big blue eyes and he found every excuse under the sun to stop by and see
her. Unfortunately, Chad had allowed his anger at Billie to color his feelings
for Lola for the first two years; but, he eventually warmed up after the divorce
and did the best he could by her. But Sam absolutely adored her, and the little
minx knew it.

It would be hard enough to stay away from B.J., but it would
be downright impossible to never see the kids again. He hoped Chad was prepared
to have him around a lot more, especially when it was his weekend with Derrick
and Lola.  He had to cut Billie out of his life and move on. He owed it to
her, but more than anything, he owed it to himself.

Kicking his shoes off, Sam finished off his beer and
prepared to turn the TV on to see who was playing on Monday Night Football.
Just as he settled in to watch the game and try to get his mind off Billie, his
cell phone rang. He picked up the phone and rolled his eyes when he saw
Renata’s name on the screen. He was not in the mood for her drama right now,
but he knew she would just keep calling until he answered.

Deciding to get it over with, he answered the call. “Hey,
Renata. What’s new?” he asked unenthusiastically.

The sound of sniffling and tears came through the phone,
putting Sam on red-alert. “I’ll tell you what’s new, Sam Garrett!” she cried.
“I’m pregnant.”

The rest of the week went by in a daze for Billie. It was
like that kiss with Sam had knocked her world off its axis and she couldn’t get
her equilibrium back. When she wasn’t daydreaming and remembering every detail
of that moment, she was anxiously picking up her phone to see if he had called
or texted. At least a dozen times a day, she would convince herself to contact
him, but she always chickened out. Her emotions were all over the place; one
moment she was wildly hopeful and optimistic, and the next she was despondent
and depressed.

After several days of this behavior, Connie finally cornered
her after work one day and demanded an explanation. Billie finally confessed
all and told her everything that had happened with Sam on Monday night. By the
time she was done telling her all about their fight and the surprise kiss,
Connie was comically agog.

“Oh, my God,
linda
! He finally kissed you? Did you
put the moves on him like I been telling you to? Girl, you got to lock that
shit down. You call him tonight and get him back in your house and don’t let
him leave until you are both sweaty and exhausted,” she advised Billie as she
refreshed her eyeliner in front of the mirror in the women’s restroom.

Billie shook her head sadly. “You don’t understand, Con. He
apologized
for kissing me. Then he said it would never happen again. And then he said
‘goodbye’. As in, forever. No matter how hard I try to imagine that he meant it
differently, I’ve known Sam long enough to understand what he meant.”

Pulling a tube of dark red lipstick out of her purse, Connie
studied her reflection carefully before applying a fresh layer and rubbing her
lips back and forth to even it out. “Listen, Billie, I’m going to tell you some
hard truths, okay? You have two options here. One, you can be
una gran chica
and call the man and talk to him about this. I never seen two people in love
with each other who act so
estupido.
Two, you can forget all about him
and move on to someone else. Why keep putting yourself through all this drama?
There are so many men out there and you are too pretty to waste on a man
sin
los huevos
.”

Billie cocked her head in confusion. Sometimes it was
difficult to follow Connie when she was talking this fast. Many times, the
fiery Latina woman didn’t even realize that Spanish words were mixing in with
her English which caused Billie no end of misunderstandings. For the past two
years, Connie had been giving Billie frequent lessons to supplement her hazy
memory from three years of high school Spanish, but sometimes Connie would slip
in a slang term that completely threw her for a loop.

“Why would I care if Sam has eggs or not?” Billie asked,
completely side-tracked.

For a moment, Connie looked as confused as Billie felt. Then
she realized what Billie meant. “Oh, you know!
Huevos o pelotas
?” At
Billie’s continued look of puzzlement, Connie sighed dramatically and grabbed
her crotch. “
Cajónes!
Balls! Testicles!
Ay, Dios Mío
, Billie! You
act like I don’t even speak English!”

Billie scowled at her friend in the mirror. “You weren’t
speaking English! At least, not all of it,” she grumbled, absently biting her
thumbnail.

Smacking Billie’s hand away from her mouth, Connie went on,
“You can pout and cry like a little baby or you can be a woman and do something
about it. If he don’t want you, then there are others out there that do. All
you have to do,
mija
, is go get it. Any woman can be sexy and have the
men panting after them like a dog. You know the secret? It is confidence. You
are already so beautiful, so your work is half done. Just remember one thing:
you have the pussy, you have the power.”

Billie flinched at Connie’s blunt words.  “That’s easy
to say, but hard to do. It seems to come natural to you. You walk around like
everyone’s eyes are on you and you enjoy it, but it just freaks me out.”

Connie packed her makeup back in her purse and slung it over
her shoulder. Turning to face her friend, she explained, “I had to learn it
like everyone else, girl. You know what I do? I pretend that I am in a movie
and my theme song is on in the background. Right now, when I walk, I hear ‘La
Tortura’ by Shakira. It gives my hips a pop and I am aware of my body and how
it moves. The music doesn’t just make me feel sexy….it lets me know I
am
sexy.”

“I don’t know, Connie. The only music I hear when I walk
right now is ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ by Elvis. Sometimes, I really do feel so lonely
I could die,” Billie confessed morosely.

Together, they walked out of the restroom and left the
building to walk to their cars. The November air had turned brisk and moist
with the promise of chilly rain in the air. Billie pulled her jacket tight over
her Care Bears scrubs and shivered, but Connie was still too worked up about
her topic to feel the chill.

Pausing before entering her car, she called over to Billie,
“What you need is a good makeover,
linda
. I will bring the girls to your
house Friday night and we will help you bring your sexy back, okay?”

Billie laughed for the first time in days and felt her heart
lighten fractionally. “That sounds like more of a threat than a treat, but what
the heck. I’m putty in your beautifully manicured hands.”

Connie blew her a kiss, bundled into her spotless red Honda
Civic, and sped off down the road. Billie, still shaking her head in amusement,
slid into her wrecked, rebuilt Dodge Stratus and heaved a sigh as her gas light
came on. She only had $20 left until payday in two more days, so she headed to
the gas station to hand it over.

By the time she made it home with the kids, she was
physically and mentally exhausted. Stress over bills and lack of money coupled
with her anxiety over Sam caused a headache to bloom behind her eyes. Could she
really forget about him and move on? For the past five years, she had been hung
up on him, daydreamed about him, lusted after him, and been in love with him.
How do you let something like that go?

“Find someone new,” she whispered to her reflection in the
mirror while getting ready for bed. It was time to let this fantasy die and
grab hold of reality. He would never betray his best friend by taking up with
his ex-wife and that was the harsh truth. She deserved a man who loved her and
her kids and was willing to give her all of himself. Sam was too honorable to
ever cross that line, so she had no choice but to find someone else who would.

As she settled into bed and turned out the light, bitter
tears coursed down her face.
Just for tonight
, she promised herself. She
would only cry this one time and then she would move forward. She had no
choice. She couldn’t keep living in misery and longing for something she could
never have. So she cried until her head ached, her nose was clogged, and her
eyes were swollen. She cried until there was nothing left to do but fall
asleep. Tomorrow was a new day and she had to live it without Sam.