For Better or Worse (Book 2 in the Forgiving Hearts Trilogy) (10 page)

Yes, Mitchell, it is too late. We can’t go back. If I were you, I’d take that job in New York. Please don’t write to me anymore. There’s nothing left to say.

Hannah closed the laptop and wiped her face on her shirt. Why did the thought of never hearing from Mitchell again make her miserable? What was wrong with her? Her eyes moved restlessly over the sunny kitchen. This is where she wanted to be – this is where she belonged.
So why did she feel like a bird in a cage?

* * * *

The sound of childish chatter woke Jackson from a deep sleep.
Sophia was awake, and it was Thanksgiving Day
. Sliding his feet to the floor, he rubbed his eyes and yawned. As he pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, he sighed heavily. In the last few months, his relationship with Hannah had stalled. Every attempt on his part to get closer had been gently, but definitively refused. Not liking the uncomfortable look in her eyes whenever he got close, he’d all but stopped touching her.

In a way, he wished she’d never softened toward him at all. She’d given him a glimpse of heaven and then slammed the door in his face. He’d thought she was finally breaking free of Mitchell. He’d even entertained the crazy idea that she might be starting to fall in love with him. It had all come to nothing.
Hannah would never love him. Only a fool would continue to hope for something that had so little chance of actually happening.

The pensive smile on his lips disappeared when he entered Sophia’s room. Her delight in his appearance drove away his sadness like a cooling rain brings relief on a hot summer day. After changing her diaper, he carried her into the kitchen and sat her in the highchair.

“What are you in the mood for this morning, pumpkin?” He surveyed the neat row of glass jars. “You had bananas with your cereal yesterday. Let’s go with peaches today.” Handing her a sippy cup of juice, he poured the dry cereal into a bowl and added water. Opening up one of the jars, he scooped out some peaches and stirred them into the cereal.

“You know, juice is for drinking, not pouring out on your tray. Oh, I almost forgot. Where’s your bib? Mommy won’t like us decorating that pretty shirt with orange spots.”

“You’re right; she won’t,” Hannah said into his ear. She bent down to kiss Sophia. “Would you like omelets or waffles?”

“Either one is fine with me.” Jackson wiped Sophia’s mouth and handed her a few cheerios. “Let’s try to leave by eight. I’d like to be at Mom’s by eleven if possible.”

Hannah cracked an egg into a large bowl. “Dinner’s not until six, right?”

“Yeah, but I know my mother. She always buys this humongous turkey that she can barely lift in and out of the oven. I told her to wait until I get there so I can keep her from dropping it on the floor or worse, hurting her back again.”

Another egg hit the edge of the bowl. “Are you still okay with me going Black Friday shopping in Atlanta with Mia tomorrow?”

A tiny crease formed on his brow.
No, he wasn’t okay with it. How could he be? Mitchell was in Atlanta.
He carried the empty bowl to the sink and rinsed it out. “I don’t mind you going. I just don’t understand why you want to subject yourself to the crowds and overall lunacy for the sake of a few good deals.”

Hannah poured the beaten eggs in a pan. “The crowds and lunacy are part of what makes it fun. The other reason is I hardly ever get to see Mia. This is a chance for us to spend time together without worrying about our kids or our husbands.”

He turned around to face her. “Then do it. Sophia and I will be fine with Mom. We’re going to watch football and eat leftovers.”

She scooped up the eggs and put them on a plate with a few slices of toast. “Here’s your breakfast.”

“Aren’t you eating?”

Not looking at him, she walked over to the sink. “I’m not hungry and if you want to leave by eight, I need to get going.”

Jackson watched her leave the kitchen with a frown.
Something wasn’t right, but he didn’t have any idea what it was.

* * * *

Hannah watched as Jackson let himself out the back door, a large, colorful basket dangling from his hand. After delivering a stern warning to Freya, he began placing the pastel eggs in a random pattern all over the yard. She should be out there with him, not hiding in the house avoiding him because she was afraid one look or word might have her confessing all the things she’d been doing.

She was a horrible person: an unfaithful wife and an unfeeling mother. What else could she be when she was living two lives? And how much longer could she keep this up without losing her mind?

Her parents had spent yesterday with them. She, Jackson, and Sophia were going to visit his mom in Cochran tomorrow. In between those two events was today, Easter Sunday. When she was younger, Hannah used to love Easter with its message of hope and deliverance. Now it was another day to sit in church and be glad none of those around her could see the wickedness in her heart.

Not able to stand her thoughts, she stepped outside. “Haven’t you finished yet?” she called to Jackson.

“Almost,” he replied as he turned around to face her. “I didn’t think you could get any more beautiful, but I was wrong.”

Words trembled on her lips – words that would destroy Jackson’s happiness forever.
You’re the one who’s beautiful. I might be pretty on the outside, but I’m ugly where it counts.
Forcing a smile, she said, “I’ve got the battery charging for the camera.”

After disposing of the last two eggs, he took hold of her hand and swung it gently as they walked back into the house. “Is there anything else we need to do?”

“Not for Sophia, but you need to pack your suitcase.”

He put the basket on the kitchen counter. “I’ve got to remember to put in some old clothes. Mom wants me to take a look at her car. She says the mechanic in town doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

“I’m going to check on my classes.”

When she would have walked away, he drew her back toward him. “I’m starting to get jealous of those classes. You spend more time on your laptop than you do with me.”

Hannah pulled away from him. “That’s not true, Jackson.”

His fingers gently lifted her chin. “You don’t have to get defensive. I was teasing.”

“You didn’t sound like you were teasing,” she replied in a voice that sounded dangerously close to tears.

He released her and stepped back. “I’m sorry; I’ll make it more obvious next time. I need to start my packing.”

As she watched him walk away, the tears she’d held inside flowed down her cheeks.
She couldn’t keep on like this. She was living a lie, and it wasn’t fair to Jackson or Sophia.

* * * *

Jackson rolled over and reached for Hannah. Nothing but air and cool sheets met his outstretched hand. A wistful look entered his eyes; only in his dreams did she sleep with him. He glance went from the clock to the baby monitor. Plumping up his pillow, he lay on his back and closed his eyes. His mind drifted back to the previous day.

He’d come home early and found Hannah on her laptop while Sophia watched from her playpen. A delightful blend of sugar and cinnamon filled the air. As her eyes lifted to meet his, Jackson perceived the same curious expression in those green depths that he’d glimpsed on and off for several weeks. During the evening that followed, niggling fears teased his thoughts, leaving him awash with nameless suspicions.

There wasn’t anything he could define or even ask Hannah about. Just little things that looked innocent when examined separately, but appeared troublesome when put together. Not having anything tangible to work with, it had been easy to rationalize the subtle changes he’d observed.

Moving to a new position in bed did nothing to remove his unease. A sense of impending doom continued to plague him. In spite of the coolness of the room, his face and hands were damp with perspiration. Flinging off the covers, he stalked to the door. Telling Freya to stay, he turned in the direction of Hannah’s room. Just outside her door, he hesitated.

What was he planning to do? Wake her up to ask if everything was okay? Disturb her sleep so she could assure him that the heaviness in his stomach was the result of eating too many snickerdoodles? And that the tightness in his chest was attributable to the coffee he’d drunk before going to bed?
She’d think he’d lost his mind.

Turning around, Jackson walked back through the dark house and stopped in the living room to pick up his Bible. He’d wasted enough time worrying about something he couldn’t even explain. Not until he was in his room did he notice what was tucked inside the pages. For a moment, he stared at the pale blue envelope as his agitated brain tried to find a logical reason for it to be there. With trembling fingers, he removed the paper within and read the words it contained.

I’ve gone to be with Mitchell. Take care of Sophia for me. Hannah

A tortured groan erupted from his lips as the paper dropped from his nerveless fingers. Passing a hand over his face, he sank down on the couch.
Was this some kind of joke? Hannah couldn’t be gone. He’d just said goodnight to her a few hours ago.
He came to his feet so fast he almost fell forward. Stumbling down the hallway, he flung the door open to her room and flipped on the light. Still not believing the evidence of his eyes, he jerked the blankets off the bed.

She was gone. Hannah had left him.
With trembling fingers, he slowly opened the door and peered inside Sophia’s room, his eyes straining to see into the crib. In the dim glow of the nightlight, he could just make out his daughter’s small form. A ragged sigh slipped from his lungs.

On shaky legs, he returned to the living room and grabbed the missive from where it had fallen. Fierce anger rose within him.
How could she leave in the middle of the night with nothing but a few carelessly scrawled words on a piece of paper?

He reached for a silver framed picture of Hannah and Sophia. “Why God?” he asked in an anguished voice. “Why did You give me such happiness only to snatch it away?”
Tears he hadn’t been aware of spilled from his face onto his arm. He’d fooled himself into believing she was content with him.
He should have known he couldn’t make her happy.

The pinkish light of dawn was appearing on the horizon when Jackson slowly rose to his feet. His tears had long since dried, leaving his heart encased in a numbness that was strangely comforting. He stuffed the note into his pocket. Walking into Hannah’s bedroom, he went through the motions of making the bed.

In the sunlight filtering through the blinds, he saw what he’d missed before. Jackson picked up the ring resting on the nightstand. Then he folded the note around the ring, slid them both in the envelope and carried it into his room. Opening the top drawer of his dresser, he put the envelope under a pile of socks.

As he closed the door behind him, he drew a long, haggard breath. God help him, he’d married Hannah knowing she loved Mitchell.
He had to think he was getting what he deserved.

Chapter Six

Two years later…

Jackson glanced at the clock on the opposite wall for the fiftieth time in the last half hour.

“Daddy, how much longer? My ears hurt so bad.”

He drew Sophia off the chair next to him and onto his lap. “Not much longer now, pumpkin.”

Hannah’s green eyes stared up at him. “Will the doctor be able to help my ears, Daddy?”

“Of course he will.”

She picked up his hand and turned the gold band on his hand. “Why do you wear this ring?”

“Because someone I love very much gave it to me.”

She reached up and cupped her hand over his ear. “Is it my mommy?” she whispered.

Jackson smiled tenderly down into her face. “Yes, it’s your mommy.”

“I wish she would come to our house again. She smelled nice.”

Like a summer garden
. “Do you want me to read to you?” he offered in an attempt to change the subject. “I brought
Frog and Toad
.”

“Okay, Daddy, but I sure wish the doctor would hurry.”

A few minutes later the door opened, and a young woman in yellow scrubs stepped into the room. “Sophia Steadman.”

“Daddy, that’s me.”

Jackson shoved the book into Sophia’s backpack and set her gently on her feet. “Yes, pumpkin, that’s you.” Taking her hand, he approached the woman.

“Hi, Sophia, I’m Stephanie. If you’ll follow me, we’ll get you ready to see Dr. Hernandez.”

Stephanie led them into a room that was relieved from sterility by paintings of Winnie the Pooh adorning the walls.

“Look, Daddy, it’s Pooh.”

Jackson lifted her onto the examination table. “I see him.”

“Mr. Steadman, what brings you and Sophia here today?”

“She’s been complaining about her ears. Last night she started running a fever.”

“Any drainage?” Stephanie asked as she keyed the information into the tablet she carried.

“No, ma’am.”

She reached for an ear thermometer lying on the counter. “Sophia, do you know what this is?”

“Yes, ma’am. My daddy sticks it in my ear sometimes. Last night he did it a lot.”

Stephanie exchanged an amused glance with Jackson. “Yes, well, I’m going to do it again. You don’t mind, do you?”

“No, ma’am.”

As she slid the nozzle into Sophia’s ear, she said, “That’s a pretty bow in your hair.”

“My nana got it for me.”

Jackson was trying to maneuver where he could see the reading. Stephanie caught him and said, “It’s a hundred point five.”

“It was over a hundred and two last night.”

She nodded. “That happens with infections in children. Dr. Hernandez will be with you soon. If you’re a really good girl, Sophia, I’ll have a surprise for you before you leave.”

Sophia’s eyes got big. “I’ll be good, won’t I, Daddy?”

Jackson tapped her on the nose. “You’re always good.”

Another chapter of
Frog and Toad
had been read before Dr. Hernandez made his appearance. He confirmed what Jackson had suspected: Sophia had an ear infection. Jackson was given a prescription to fill and told to return if things didn’t improve in a few days. After the doctor left, Jackson grabbed Sophia’s backpack and took her by the hand. When they reached the check-out area, Stephanie reappeared from around the corner holding a lollipop.

She crouched down in front of Sophia. “I heard you were a good girl. I hope you feel better soon.”

Jackson thanked her and steered Sophia out the door. Knowing they’d have a long wait at the drug store, he went through a McDonald’s drive-thru and picked up a Happy Meal. It was after seven by the time they pulled into their driveway.

* * * *

Glancing at his watch, Jackson slumped down on the couch.
Where had the evening gone?
Sophia had been bathed, coaxed to take her medicine and given a snack. Freya had been fed, let outside and was now asleep on the rug by the front door. On the couch next to him, his reason for living was meticulously undressing three baby dolls of various sizes.

“Daddy, could you put this dress on Casey?”

“I thought we decided to leave Casey in her pajamas.”

“No, that was Sandy. Casey doesn’t have any clothes on.”

“Hmm. I see what you mean.” He took the doll and the frilly pink dress. His phone rang while he was trying to get one of the doll’s arms in the dress. “I think Casey has outgrown her dress.” Laying the doll on the table, he reached for the phone.

“Hey, Laurel.”

“I was calling about Sophia. How is she?”

“She’s got an ear infection. She can’t go back to preschool until she’s been fever-free for twenty-four hours.”

“In that case, drop her off at the usual time, and she can stay home with me.”

“I hate to ask you to give up your entire day.”

“Jackson, where do you get these weird ideas? I love watching Sophia, and Amanda loves having her here to play with when she gets home from school.”

“But don’t you usually meet Colton for lunch on Wednesdays?”

“Are we that predictable?”

Jackson voice softened. “It’s not predictable; it’s called being in love.”

Laurel laughed. “I can’t deny that, but you don’t know Colton very well if you think he’d be comfortable eating lunch with me knowing a friend needs our help.”

“Both of you have been so good to me and Sophia since Hannah left.”

“Have you heard from her lately?”

He sighed deeply. “I got a text from her a few months ago hinting that she might come to see Sophia. She’s done that so many times and failed to show that I don’t get excited anymore. I’ve even had the uncharitable thought that she does it on purpose to torture me.”

“I’m so sorry, Jackson. Believe me, I know what it’s like to be alone. It’s a dark place, and it’s easy to become bitter and resentful. The good news is that no situation is beyond God’s help. Colton and I are living proof of that.”

“Your experience has been an inspiration to me, but it’s hard to stay positive sometimes. I understand Hannah’s reason for leaving me, but how can she live apart from her daughter?”

“Maybe she thought Sophia would have a better life with you.”

“Well,
I’ve
certainly had a better life with
Sophia
.”

“That could have been another reason she did it.”

In his low moments, Jackson tried to tell himself the same thing. It was a rather futile attempt to justify Hannah’s actions and at the same time prove she possessed some positive feelings for him.
Nothing close to love, of course.
He knew he’d never have that. “In the meantime, thank you for tomorrow. It’s difficult for me to get off work at such short notice.”

“I’m married to a doctor, remember. I know all about trying to cancel patients at the last minute. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Goodbye, Laurel.” Laying the phone on the table, he resumed his efforts to get Casey’s arms into her dress. Once that was done, he turned to Sophia. “Time for bed, pumpkin. We need to brush your teeth, and then you can pick out a book to read.”

Not quite an hour later, Jackson closed the book and slid Sophia off his lap. She went across to her bed and knelt down. Glancing back, she patted the ground beside her. This simple gesture was so reminiscent of Hannah that Jackson winced.
How could a little girl who barely remembered her mother be so much like her?
A childish voice broke into his thoughts.

“Come on, Daddy. Jesus is waiting.”

Jackson knelt down next to her. “Okay, you can pray now.”

“Dear Jesus, thank You for my daddy and Freya. I’m sorry I didn’t make my bed this morning or finish that yucky oatmeal Daddy asked me to eat. Take care of my mommy and tell her that me and Daddy miss her. Amen.”

She climbed into bed and giggled when Jackson pulled the blanket over her head. He drew it down to her chest and bent to kiss her.

“I love you, Sophia.”

Tiny arms snaked around his neck. “I love you, too, Daddy.”

* * * *

Jackson opened the kitchen door to let Freya outside one last time before he went to bed. “Don’t take all night. I’ve got to be up in six hours.”

He watched through the window as his faithful but naughty dog hit every puddle still remaining from the previous night’s storm. In answer to her bark, he opened the door and in she came, muddy paws and all. After making sure she covered most of the tiled floor with her prints, she came back to where he stood, looking at him expectantly.

“I should make you sleep outside for that.” She barked again. “Yeah, I know. I’m a pushover.” He reached into the jar of dog biscuits. After tossing one into the air, he surveyed the floor and decided it could wait until tomorrow. Turning off the lights, he went to the room he’d been sleeping in since he got married.

Once he was ready for bed, he reached for the Bible on the nightstand. God and Sophia were the only reasons he hadn’t given in to the dark despair that had threatened to overwhelm him after Hannah left. As he’d once told her, the pain and rejection that sometimes comes with loving someone doesn’t completely go away, but God can give a measure of contentment in any situation. He’d found that to be true after his accident, and he was finding it possible now.

His thoughts drifted back to the last time he saw Hannah. She’d appeared at his front door without warning on a rainy winter afternoon.

“Hi, Jackson.” When he just looked at her, she asked, “Can I come in?”

He opened the door wider, waited her for to step inside and closed the door behind her. He’d imagined this scene often in his mind; he’d even rehearsed what he would say. But things seldom go as planned. All he could think about was how desolate he was going to be when she left again.

“I have no right to ask this of you, but could I see Sophia?”

Jackson moved from his position by the door. “She’s your daughter, Hannah. You have every right to see her. Are you in a hurry? I just put her down for a nap.” He knew by her expression that his calm demeanor puzzled her.

“I don’t mind waiting.” Her eyes swept over the room and then back to him. “It all looks the same.”

A sad smile touched his lips. “As you once said to me, appearances are deceiving. I made coffee. Would you like some?”

Her eyes fell to the ground. “That would be nice, thank you.”

Jackson walked into the kitchen and removed two cups from the cabinet. He felt more than heard Hannah step into the room.

“I’m sorry, Jackson.”

His hands stilled. “For what?”

She came up beside him. “For everything.”

“Is that supposed to make it all better?”

“No, I know nothing will do that. You’ve lost weight.”

That’s what happens when a man doesn’t hear from his wife for nine months. “Are you happy, Hannah?”

A curtain of hair fell forward, hiding her face. “Will you hate me even more than you do already if I say yes?”

He poured the dark brew into a cup and held it out to her. “Here you go.” As she took it from him, he said, “I don’t hate you.”

“Are you saying that you still love me?”

“I’ll love you forever.”

Hannah was startled by the blaze of raw emotion in Jackson’s eyes. His glance peeled away the façade she’d carefully created and maintained over the past few years as if it were a cobweb swept away by an impatient hand. “I’m sorry about that, too.”

He shrugged. “Tell me something. Are the statistics any better for a child growing up in a home without a mother?”

“Probably not, but you’re better for her than I am.”

“Why do you say that?”

She waved her hand in the air. “Isn’t it obvious? I think only of myself, not a good quality in a mother or a wife. I wanted more than I had here.”

Jackson leaned against the counter. “And do you have more now?”

“Yes, I do,” she said defiantly.

“Then your reason for being happy is explained.”

Hannah laughed. “You amaze me, Jackson. Any other man would have shut the door in my face after calling me every name he could think of.”

“I’m not any other man.”

She chewed on her lip. “No, you’re not, but aren’t you angry or disappointed or something? Or are you just glad I’m gone?”

His eyes slowly left their contemplation of the cup in his hand and rose to her face. “I’ve been all of those and many others. What good does it do to talk about it? It isn’t going to change anything.”

“I guess I just expected something else.”

He pushed away from the counter, the tiniest hint of anger in his features. “You’ve shown that you don’t want to be here. While that hurts, I can live with it. What I find hard to forgive is that you so easily abandoned Sophia.”

Hannah turned to look out the window. “It wasn’t easy to leave Sophia, but I couldn’t take her with me.”