For Better or Worse (Book 2 in the Forgiving Hearts Trilogy) (11 page)

“Yes, I see your dilemma. Mitchell doesn’t want children. It was fortunate that you’d already made plans for such an eventuality by marrying me.”

She swung around to face him, tears shimmering in her eyes. “You know that’s not true. I had no way of knowing what was going to happen.”

“What exactly did happen? The note you left was short on details.”

“I’d rather not get into all that. We’ve managed to be civil to one another; that may not last once you know the rest of the story.”

“For goodness sake, Hannah, I’ve never even raised my voice to you. I’m not going to start now.”

She set the cup of coffee on the counter and twisted her hands together. “A few months after Sophia was born, Mitchell started emailing me. At first I deleted them without opening them, but gradually, I started reading them, and eventually I responded.”

“Did he ever come to the house?” Jackson asked in a deadly quiet voice.

“No, but I…I did meet him other places during the week when you were working. I got one of my friends to watch Sophia.”

Jackson’s hands clenched at his side, and he bit down hard on the angry words forming on his lips. “There were no monthly shopping trips with Mia, were there? You spent those days with Mitchell.”

At her slow nod, his stomach heaved in revulsion even as his heart felt as if someone was slowly ripping it out of his chest. He believed everything she told him, lapping up her lies like a trusting child. A rush of pure rage pulsed through his body. If he didn’t get away from her, he was going to say or do something they’d both regret.

“Let me go check on Sophia,” he said in a carefully, controlled voice.

He arrived at the door of Sophia’s room in a haze of anger and humiliation, his breaths coming in heavy, painful gasps. “Oh, God,” he whispered in an agonized voice. “How could she do that to me? How could she betray me that way? I trusted her; I believed that even though she didn’t love me, she respected me as her husband and her friend.”

As he approached the crib and stared down at Sophia, the turmoil and disillusionment within him slowly began to fade. He reached down and touched the feathery curls. “So much anguish and carrying on. And for what? None of that really matters, does it, pumpkin? We still have each other.” He raised his eyes heavenward. “Thank You, Father, for showing me what’s really important.” Reaching down, he picked up Sophia. “Let’s go see your mommy.”

Jackson felt something cold and wet touch his arm. He looked down to see Freya watching him anxiously and wondered if he’d made some sound. “I’m okay, girl. Go back to sleep.”

The emotions that single visit provoked had lessened with time, but nothing had been successful in removing Hannah from his thoughts. He still found himself reaching for her in the middle of the night. Love was a tenacious master, hanging on in the most challenging situations and stubbornly holding hostage the heart in which it had taken refuge.

Opening his Bible, he flipped to the book of Psalms. He loved all the psalms, but the ones written by David were especially poignant and meaningful. He found one passage underlined heavily. “Mine eyes are ever toward the Lord; for He shall pluck my feet out of the net. Turn Thee unto me, and have mercy upon me; for I am desolate and afflicted.”

That was the verse Jackson had come across in the days following Hannah’s departure. He’d taken that promise to heart and tried to keep his eyes focused on God. Now two years later, the sting of loss and unfaithfulness no longer consumed him. Jackson had worked through his anger and found the peace of mind and spirit that only God can provide.

* * * *

Hannah stared across the mahogany table at the man she gave up everything to be with. As she listened to his deep voice, another voice intruded.
I’ll love you forever.
Why couldn’t she forget? Was it the same reason she couldn’t rid her memory of a childish smile and the scent of baby lotion?

A hand covered hers, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze.

“Hannah, come back from wherever you are.”

Her eyes dropped. “I’m sorry, Mitchell. What were you saying?”

“I was telling you that my business trip to San Diego got moved forward. I leave tomorrow. Can you be ready by then? Or do you prefer to come later?”

She almost fainted from sheer relief. She’d been wondering how to suggest to Mitchell that they fly separately. She never expected it to be this easy. Trying to hide her eagerness, she said, “I think I’ll come later, if you don’t mind.”

“I see maxed out credit cards in my future.”

“What’s the good of making money if you can’t spend it?”

Mitchell laughed as got up from the table and came around to kiss her. She just stopped herself from turning her face away. It wasn’t his fault that she could no longer tolerate his touch.

“I couldn’t agree more. I’ll be home by seven.”

As soon as he disappeared through the door of their apartment, Hannah pushed aside the plate of food she couldn’t eat. She’d told so many lies in the last few years she didn’t even know what the truth was anymore. The only thing that mattered now was getting home.

Hannah had no definite plan for reentering Sophia’s life or even if Jackson would let her do it. She’d burned her bridges and should have the decency to stay away. But she couldn’t stay away - not anymore. The thought was unbearable. If she could just be close enough to watch her child grow up, she’d be satisfied.

It took less than a half hour to book the flights necessary to get from New York to Atlanta. From there she’d rent a car and drive to St. Simons. What happened after that was out of her control.

* * * *

Jackson left the x-ray department on his way back to the physical therapy gym. He saw Colton turn the corner at the opposite end of the hallway, his eyes glued to the papers in his hand. As the two got closer, Jackson asked, “What are you reading? A love letter from Laurel?”

Colton laughed. “Actually, it’s from Taryn. She sent me a book about how to raise girls. I’m not sure whether to be flattered that she cares so much about Amanda or insulted that she thinks I’m doing such a poor job.”

“Knowing Taryn, it’s probably a little of both.”

“I talked to Laurel at lunch, and she wanted me to remind you about dinner tonight.”

“Are you sure you want me to stick around? I already ruined your lunch date.”

“You didn’t ruin anything, Jackson. Nothing makes Laurel happier than knowing she’s helping someone.”

“All right, you’ve convinced me.”

“Great! See you later.”

When Jackson walked through the door of Colton and Laurel’s house, Sophia leapt up from the couch where she’d been watching television and flew into his arms.

“Daddy! Daddy! Miss Laurel took us to Dairy Queen. I got a vanilla cone.”

“Did you save any for me?”

“Daddy, it’s ice cream. It would have melted. Do you want to see the puzzle Amanda and I put together?”

“I do, but first let me make sure there’s nothing I can do to help Miss Laurel in the kitchen.”

Amanda walked into the room and rolled her eyes. “You might want to wait a minute. They’re kissing.”

“Kissing?” squealed Sophia. She turned to Jackson. “Can I see?”

He pushed her gently back down on the couch. “No, Miss Nosey, you cannot see. When people kiss, they don’t want an audience.”

“Did you ever kiss my mommy in the kitchen?”

The smile on his face grew. “That’s for me to know, and you to find out.”

“Oh, Daddy, I hate when you say that.”

Laurel came into the room. “Hey, Jackson. I didn’t hear you come in.”

Amanda giggled. “Yeah, we know.”

Sophia ran over to her. “Miss Laurel, were you kissing Mr. Colton in there?”

Laurel grinned. “Yes, I was. He kind of expects that when he gets home.”

Sophia’s face clouded over. “My daddy doesn’t have anyone to kiss him when he gets home.”

“Of course I do, pumpkin,” Jackson answered. “I have you.”

“That’s not the same.”

He crouched down in front of her. “It’s not the same, but it’s just as nice. Here, I’ll show you.” He leaned closer and kissed her cheek.

She giggled. “Daddy, your face is all scratchy.”

Jackson stood up, shaking his head slowly. “I guess that means you won’t let me kiss you anymore.”

Sophia peeped at him through her hair, something he remembered Hannah doing. “Yes, I will. I like it.”

“Then everything is fine, and we can eat dinner. Go wash your hands.”

After Sophia had gone with Amanda into the hall bathroom, Laurel put her hand on Jackson’s arm. “You handled that beautifully.”

He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “She’s been asking more and more questions about Hannah. I think seeing all the moms at preschool has made her realize what she’s missing.”

“That’s natural, Jackson. Children are curious, and they notice everything.”

“I wish…well, I wish things were different. I’m no substitute for a mother.”

Colton appeared in the doorway. “Are you flirting with my wife again?”

Jackson laughed. “Wouldn’t do me a bit of good. Laurel is giving me my weekly pep talk.”

“Sorry to interrupt, but the natives are getting restless. I think we should eat.”

* * * *

Hannah felt only mild remorse as she dropped Mitchell off at the airport. He would be upset when he figured out she wasn’t coming to San Diego or back to New York for that matter, but she doubted he’d take the trouble to come after her. The happiness she sought with him had been a fantasy, a fiction created and perpetuated in her own mind.

If she hadn’t known what it was like to be loved unconditionally, she might have been satisfied with Mitchell. But her experience with Jackson taught her the true meaning of love, making it impossible for her to be content with a poor imitation. Her reprehensible treatment of him and Sophia hung about her like a millstone, robbing her of any kind of permanent happiness. She knew there was nothing she could do that would atone for the past.

Three days later she was walking through the air terminal in Atlanta. The sound of people conversing in Southern accents brought tears to her eyes.
She was really here!
Putting her bags down, she impatiently dabbed at her face with her hands.
I can’t cry with all this make-up on. I’ll have streaks of mascara down to my chin.

She stopped in Macon that evening for dinner. Hannah could remember coming here with her family every year. It was on a Ferris wheel at one of those spring festivals that Mitchell kissed her for the first time.

Jackson had never kissed her as a man in love kisses a woman.
It was strange how that fact stood out. In all the time they’d been together, he kissed her fingers, her hair and her cheek, but never her lips.
Was it because he knew she didn’t love him?
For all his practicality, Jackson was a romantic. To him, kisses shouldn’t be given or taken lightly. They should mean something.

Night had fallen by the time she checked into a hotel on the outskirts of Brunswick. Less than ten miles separated her from Sophia and Jackson. Letting the curtain fall back into place, Hannah turned away from the window. Tomorrow would begin a new chapter; one she hoped would return a small measure of the peace that had eluded her for so long.

* * * *

Hannah watched from her car as Jackson and Sophia emerged from the house and got into his truck. The sight of them together had a profound effect on her, filling her with both intense wonder and deep regret. The bond between father and daughter was obvious even from a distance; a relationship forged in the aftermath of her departure. She felt like an outsider with no place in their lives.

Even after the truck had driven away, Hannah lingered in her car. Everything had seemed so much clearer in New York. She hadn’t expected to be welcomed back with open arms, but in the secret places of her heart, she hoped and believed her return could be of benefit to Sophia. Now she wasn’t so sure. Granted, this was a small example on which to judge the situation, but it was enough to flood her mind with doubts.
What should she do? Stalk her husband and child like a private investigator until she could convince herself that entering their life had more benefits than drawbacks?

Her position wasn’t enviable. Her own choices had forced her into a place where she had no bargaining power and must rely on the generosity of a man who had no reason to believe her. Hannah was wholly dependent on the kindness and integrity of Jackson.
What would she say to him? How could she explain in a way that he would understand?
And if she did, would he give her a second chance? Or would he turn his back on her as she’d done on him?

One thing was certain; she wouldn’t be taking any action today. As she started up the car and drove away, she wished she hadn’t given in to the temptation to see them. It would have been better if she’d just contacted Jackson and let things play out from there.

With her plans in disarray, she decided to turn in her rental vehicle and buy a used car. Such a purchase would put a dent in her savings, but in light of her uncertainty regarding her next move, it was a necessity. The faded green Honda she finally settled on was a far cry from the Mercedes she’d driven in New York, but it would get her where she needed to go.