For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) (34 page)

It only complicated things further when I continued making up excuses to avoid him. Sunday night I told him I was really tired and felt as though I was catching a cold. I insisted that I was fine, because he wanted to bring me soup and take care of me, and it only made my guilt claw deeper into my gut.

Then each passing day I told him I was extremely contagious and disgusting, and that I didn’t want him to see me that way. He must have believed me, given up, or figured out what was happening because he didn’t press any further. Instead, every day since Monday he just texted to ask how I was feeling, and he hadn’t dared to repeat the three words that drove me away.

By Wednesday I had to return to Earl for my fitting and it was the first time I’d left the apartment, too afraid to leave and run into him. I wasn’t sure if he still wanted me to attend, but the dress was paid for and I’d rather have had it in case he did want me there. It made me realize that if I wanted to see him and be there, then I did love him. I just needed the chance to tell him, I needed to explain.

I had a small amount of hope that he would still want me by his side, and I didn’t want to abandon him on his big night. He hadn’t abandoned me after all I’d put him through. An uncomfortable apprehension rose in my throat as Earl fitted me into the dress and told me how excited Rhys was the day before when trying on his suit. Was he really still excited to see me in the dress or was it all for the sake of keeping up appearances? Earl didn’t elaborate further and thankfully the fitting went by quickly. The guilt and worry still tormented me on my way home, wrapping themselves around me and my heart to the point that I felt claustrophobic.

Anne had called me on my way home to check in again and yelled at me for continuing to shut Rhys out. She was giving me a particularly long rant about how stupid I was being, and I was silently in agreement.

“Ellie, I swear to god if you let him go, I will kill you. I’ll come to London and murder you Jack the Ripper style. He loves you, you love him, and just because you tell him that doesn’t mean you love Aaron any less. I love you…does that mean I don’t love my Grammy that died four years ago? No! Please call him!”

I didn’t respond for a few seconds as I walked up my stairs, knowing I couldn’t avoid him forever. I knew she was right, that he deserved better, and I started crying on the last flight completely disappointed in myself. At that point, tears had been constant companions since his absence. I had been so distracted by my angst and Anne’s voice I wasn’t ready for the shock of seeing him sitting by my front door. Rhys was on the floor waiting for me and I dropped my phone on the top step. Hearing my self-directed cursing, he looked over at me with solemn eyes. They held an unfamiliar sadness and I hated myself for putting it there.

I picked up my phone and told Anne, “I have to call you back.” She tried apologizing, worried that she had hurt my feelings, but I brushed her off and repeated, “It’s fine. I have to call you back.”

I hung up on her, sure that I’d get an earful later and didn’t move from the top step as we stared at each other. He broke the silence after a few moments of intense looks between us. “I’m glad to see you still went to your fitting. You don’t seem too sick right now, so hopefully you can come Saturday.”

“Rhys…” I said, starting to approach him.

“Was the Sadie story a lie too, or just the illness?” His question and harsh tone caused me to stop in my steps. He was angry, probably more than he was showing, but contained it for me. It wasn’t difficult to notice the internal struggle in his eyes every time he looked up at me from the ground.

“Rhys… I owe you an apology. I haven’t been sick, but I think you know that.”

He looked down at his shoes and nodded, a mixture of sorrow and frustration tensing his features. “Why would you lie to me? You told me not to hold back, which is exactly what I did!” He wasn’t yelling, though his voice rose in volume enough to cause panic within me. “Tell me,” he demanded. “Tell me why you lied? I didn’t ask you to marry me or have my children. I just said I loved you, because I do. I want those things with you, you know, but I’m aware I have to take things slow with you and I thought that’s what I was doing. I just wanted you to know how ardently I care for you.” He shook his head again, staring at his hands in his lap before he looked back up. “I had a feeling you were lying, but tried to think better of you…why did you lie and why are you avoiding me? I want to hear you explain it.”

I took a step forward and then another one back, unsure whether I should sit by him or keep my distance. He was hurting so badly and I was too, all because I’d put up another wall after he had torn them down with nothing but care for me. My stomach was in knots, my hands felt too empty, and then he demanded again, “Ellie, tell me right now.”

“Because I felt guilty that I didn’t say it back, but I love you too!” I shouted. He was looking down, but at my words his eyes shot up and pierced me. He closed his mouth and stared at me, opening it again to speak but I didn’t give him the chance.

“I’m a fool okay? I panicked because I love you. I love you so much it hurts to be away from you, even for a few hours. It makes me dizzy, happy, sometimes even sad; I’m terrified I’ll lose you because part of me thinks the universe is cruel enough to take you away after all I’ve been through, or worse that you’ll leave me, even though you’ve given me no reason to justify that concern.”

I shook my head and laughed at my own foolishness. “The intensity with which I love you frightens me, and I knew I felt the same the second you said it, but fear took over. Saying that to you meant I was putting another piece of Aaron further behind me and it hit me hard. You didn’t deserve that though. You deserve for me to shout it to all of London, because you’ve been nothing but amazing to me since day one. I was just caught off guard.” I paused and looked away as tears brimmed in my eyes.

“You have been such a gift. You’ve brought me back to life. You have made me love again, a defeat that wasn’t easy and a sentiment I believed was lost to me forever. You’ve given me space and time, wiped all my tears. I just made a mistake. But I love you so much and can’t picture my life without you…I just…” He started standing up, tears in his eyes as he approached me.

Rhys tilted my chin up with his index finger, forcing me to look into his eyes. “You love me?” he said, pausing for a doubtful moment. When I didn’t respond he continued to inquire.

“Ellie, it’s okay if you tell me now. I didn’t say it so you would repeat it, so if you’re saying it to make me feel better, don’t. I understand if you need time. I’m sorry I became angry, just don’t push me away, don’t punish me for loving you. But if you say it now, you’ll make me the happiest man alive…” He paused and searched my eyes. “Do you love me?”

I could barely talk and was covered in tears, so I slowly leaned into him and hugged him, nodding into his chest. “Yes,” I mumbled, “I do. I love you…I’m sorry I made you think otherwise, because I love you very much.”

I kept saying it, over and over in hopes that it would erase the foul memory of my withholding. I wanted to rewind and do it again, properly that time and I was afraid he’d always remember that I didn’t say it back, that I lied. That I acted like an idiot. “I love you, Rhys.”

He grabbed the sides of my face and whispered, “Do you mean it? You’re not just saying it?” His mind was playing tug of war with his heart. He badly wanted me to be sincere, but feared that if I wasn’t he’d be left dissatisfied and empty.

“I’m not just saying it. My head simply needed extra time to catch up. I love you and I want to tell you every second to make up for the hurt I caused you.”

He kissed my mouth hard and possessively, and only after that did he say, “I don’t need to hear anything else but those three words.”

Pulling me closer he held me in a tight embrace in the hallway, only separating for seconds to unlock my door and lead us inside. Once the door was locked behind us, Rhys grabbed me in a deep hold and kissed me like he'd always wanted to. If I thought Rhys’ kisses were passionate before, I had no idea. He pressed his lips against mine as if he was making love to my mouth, the affections varying from soft and slow, to fast and rough. His mouth became welded with mine and his hands fervently gripped my waist as if he feared I would disappear. At one point he kissed me so deliciously, it left me feeling lightheaded and I had to grip his neck and balance myself to continue keeping our mouths connected.

The more I kissed him, the more alive I felt, as though the love in his affection was breathing air into my lungs and pumping blood into my heart. I started crying again, realizing I could have lost this. I could have lost him. Rhys continued to lift his hands up my waist and placed them along my ribs, kneading my skin with desire. He heard my breath hitch and felt my tears touch his cheeks in our close proximity, and parted to see the reason for my lingering sadness.

“Darling, what is it?”

It took me a few moments to catch my breath, but Rhys was patient and didn’t let me go. He continued eyeing me with worry and sadness, hoping he could make it better in any way. But what he didn’t know was that he already had. I took a deep breath and looked at him, his thumbs grazing the sides of my face as he held my jaw.

“I thought I was going to lose you. I know you were upset, don’t tell me you weren’t, I saw it in your eyes just before you turned off the light…that’s why I left.”

“Ellie,” he rubbed my cheeks. “I’m not going anywhere, I understand. I’ve wanted to tell you for some time, but I waited because I knew it would be hard for you to hear no matter how good my intentions or how honest my affections were.”

“I’m sorry for leaving.”

“I knew what you were doing, and tried to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, but I worried that I had put too much pressure on you.”

“No, I’m just an emotional idiot,” I shrugged.

My eyes lingered on his and then I suggested making tea. He lifted his brow and had the strangest smirk as I approached the kitchen and put water to boil on the stove. He stood directly in front of me the entire time, making me wonder if maybe he was trying to get me to notice something different, but I couldn’t figure it out. And then as I turned and Rhys joined me behind the counter, I looked past him and saw what he’d been hiding.

In the corner of my small living room was a four-foot Christmas tree with lights, ornaments and a beautiful skirt. I turned to look at him with wide eyes and knew he’d put it there, having used the keys we had exchanged weeks before. He smiled and nodded, acknowledging the silent accusation that he’d made the sweet gesture.

When I approached the tree I saw that it also had a tartan angel and an additional Shakespeare ornament on it, as well as a frame with a picture of us from Thanksgiving. I turned back around in the same spot and met his eyes with my watery ones.

“You did this for me?” I asked, my voice cracking.

“Yeah,” he nodded boyishly.

I finally got a good look at him, and besides the small bags under his eyes he looked so good. I didn’t know if it was because I’d missed him so much, or if he was always that effortlessly handsome, but I couldn’t stop staring at him. He was beautiful, and I couldn’t even physically see his soul or heart. But I knew those were just as beautiful, because only a man like him could do something like that after my reaction on Sunday. It made me cry more and he slowly approached me after putting his mug down.

“Why are you crying now, love?”

“Because I’m mean to you, and you got me a tree, and decorated it.”

“I got it to cheer you up, because you told me you were sick…and I thought I’d upset you.”

“I know. You’re freaking perfect. I mess up, and then you cheer me up.”

“I’m not perfect…far from it. I just love you, Ellie Reed.”

I didn’t speak, but leaned into his shoulder as he swayed me from side to side to soothe me. “Thank you, Rhys.”

“You’re welcome. I figured since we’re here half the time we could add some cheer.”

“I love the tree, but that’s not what I meant.”

“What then?” he said, pulling away enough to look me in the eyes.

“For loving me so unconditionally.”

He chuckled softly and it vibrated deep in his chest. “Ellie, I couldn’t love you more if I tried.”

∞

Later that night, Rhys and I cuddled on the couch while watching
Elf
. He knew it would make me laugh and help me let go of my guilt, and it worked. Towards the end I was in such a better mood I was able to bring up the subject again. Lying on his lap, I turned over to look up at him.

“Rhys, you said you’ve loved me for some time. When did you know?”

He bit his lip and stared at the ceiling, contemplating my question.

“You know,” he said, looking down at me. “I think I’ve loved you a little bit since day one, as mad as that sounds. Each day, and touch or kiss, I just fell more deeply in love with you. But I became certain when you sneaked into my bed in Paris. I was sure by then, but when you came and held me, I knew I could never be without you again. I knew that you were willing to be happy with me, and move forward with me, and that you obviously loved me too, despite that you didn’t know it then. You had to love me then to be able to do something like that, especially after what you’d been through, because love requires unconditional trust. You had to trust that life would let you be happy and keep me, and I knew you were hopeful by doing that… that you were falling in love too, which made me undoubtedly love you.”