For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) (41 page)

“Fine,” I said, grabbing my purse and messenger bag. “I need you to leave me outside, not here at the door. On the street I can’t freak out. I can just walk away, and you’ll be gone.”

“Fine, but I want to kiss you here first. I don’t want people bothering us for the last one.”

He didn’t wait for me to say yes and just kissed me, like he owned me. It was a combination of all his kisses: sweet, slow, sensual, rough and longing, tender, and full of heartache. His hands were on my face, and then they trailed down my neck and back just as they had that first time after the show. The kiss both saddened me and exhilarated me, knowing it would be three weeks before another. But it was only three weeks, and a test on me to see if there was actually a future, because inevitably we’d be apart again.

After minutes of his mouth rubbing mine, Rhys looked into my eyes. “You ready?” he asked, rubbing my cheek with his thumb. I nodded and we opened the door to head out.

I hugged him on the street, kissed his neck and then pulled away only to hold his hand. “When I turn around, I don’t want you here…okay?”

“Okay,” he nodded, biting his lower lip and running his fingers through his hair.

I knew he wasn’t fond of the idea, but I started walking away and got to the other side of the street. When I turned around, he was still there and I waved my hands in the air frustratingly, annoyed that he was making it harder to keep walking.

“I love you,” he shouted from across the street. “I just wanted you to look at me one more time. I’ll call you later, okay?”

I laughed, exasperated with him. “I love you, too. Now go!”

I started to watch him leave down the street and turned to continue on my way. Just before I turned the corner, I checked once more, and despite that I was annoyed he hadn't originally listened, I was hoping he’d
still
be there watching me. But he wasn’t, he’d gone for real that time.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

M
y day was a blur. I’m certain I taught my courses and introduced myself, but I don’t really recall. All I remember is staring at the clock behind my classroom and contemplating where Rhys was. His flight was scheduled for noon, London time, which meant he would arrive in LA at midnight my time. Despite probable exhaustion, Rhys promised he would call me the first chance he could. I stared at my watch, or the corner of my computer screen, and the ticking of my office clock became torturous. It was impossible not noticing that the more time passed, the further he was slipping away. It didn’t matter that it meant less time apart, because I wanted him by my side now.

I shouldn’t have left him on the road, and when I got to that spot on my way home I doubted my choice. I wasn’t actually sad until I’d turned around to see him gone, but I knew sending him off at the airport surrounded by fans and photographers would’ve made the goodbye worse.

When I stepped into my apartment, it seemed too vacant. There were traces of him all around; pictures of us in frames, his mug I’d jokingly purchased that read
I love Rhys Edwards
. His clothes were hanging in my closet, like empty ghosts reminding me of his presence, and of course I had the tiny Shakespeare ornament hanging near my desk. I felt him everywhere, but he wasn’t there, and it eerily felt like when I had lost Aaron.

I decided to go running, promising myself the whole walk home that I wasn’t going to lay in bed and cry all night. After changing, I went to wash off my makeup and found an envelope taped to my mirror. I took it down gently, careful not to rip a last trace of him in my home and saw his handwriting peeking through. I wondered when he’d left it, if he had done it on our way out or if he came back after I left him.

Ellie,

I’m sure you’re wondering how I did this, and I can imagine you crinkling your brows in confusion. Am I right? Well, I snuck up after separating on the street. I wanted to leave you a little something for your return from work. First, I hope your initial day went well. Second, I miss you already, but you need to be positive. We can do this and it’s simply circumstance we need to push through. I love you so much, and I know I’ve told you this many times before, but I can’t imagine life without you.

As I watched you walk away, I observed how the hidden London sunlight shone over your hair and skin, how gorgeous you looked, and especially how much you hated leaving me. I know you were sad, but I also know that I’ve never felt so loved as when you looked at me from across the road. Sorry I didn’t listen, but not too sorry since I got to see your beautiful caramel eyes that secretly wanted me to still be there. Am I right, again? I can’t wait to see those eyes when you come to visit me.

I thought of something last night and am on my way to arrange it now. Spend the weekends at my place. I know it may feel odd without me, but I think it’ll help to be around my things. I’m leaving you little notes all over, so you’ll have to discover them while I’m gone. Take care of yourself and I’ll call you later tonight. In the meantime, here’s a song for you today, Where You Go - The Young Romans.

Love, Rhys.

I reread the letter a few times until I couldn’t see the words clearly through my tears. Rushing to the computer, I downloaded the song and played it loudly to hear as I continued changing. On my warm up toward Hyde Park I texted Rhys even though I knew his phone was off.

Me: Thanks for the note. It was perfect. Please call me when you arrive safely. Love you.

I ran 4 miles, ate dinner, showered, and read. I missed his company, his smile, the touch or squeeze of his hand, and especially his voice beside me in bed. The clock in my room had me so crazy I ended up unplugging it and eventually I grew too exhausted to stay awake. After sleeping next to Rhys for weeks, I doubted I would actually fall asleep alone, but it came over me like slow drizzling rain that soaked your clothes, and I dreamt of days at the park with Rhys.

Without my alarm, I awoke confused and alone to light breaking through my windows. When I checked my phone I saw that I had an hour to get to work and missed texts from Rhys. Unfortunately, I had to rush getting ready and read them on my commute.

Rhys: Just landed, I’ll call as soon as I can. Love you too.

Rhys: I will try to call you tomorrow, haven’t stopped, but I’m hoping you’re asleep.

Rhys: Glad the note made you happy. I took a picture of you when you turned around and I’m looking at it now…I’ll probably look at it quite a bit.

Me: Late for work, can’t wait to hear from you. XO

I kept my phone in my pocket during my morning course, something I never did, but I didn’t want to miss his call. And yet I did. Having no idea that service in my classroom was limited, I came out to find a voicemail.

“Hey, I know you were sleeping and didn’t want to wake you. I’m safe and already settled into the apartment. I miss you and can’t wait to hear your voice. I’ll call again when I know you’re home. Love you.”

The next two days followed that pattern. I continued missing Rhys’ calls because of the time difference, or because I was running or sleeping. In his messages he claimed he would rather call than text me and I did the same, becoming overwhelmed by his voice that I wasn’t hearing in real time. He said that he missed me, that he physically wanted to be around me, but that not hearing my voice had made him realize how attached we had become.

I finished my first week of classes by staying busy, running four times that week, causing my shins to ache and my lungs to burn against the cold London air. In those first days I had only cried myself to sleep once, and while it wasn’t my proudest moment, at least it had only been one time. I was so bored in my flat without much to grade and my tiny apartment felt too big for only me. I’d even gone to Daunt books twice, and had dinner at John’s house because he had caught me staring at my phone in my office and insisted. If anything, it taught me I needed more friends to surround myself with because having just him wasn’t practical.

I made plans to go to Hampton Court with Sadie. I hadn’t seen her in weeks and I was obsessed with the Tudors, but mostly in need of distraction. I’d done better than I imagined though and that Friday I messaged Rhys to say that no matter what time it was to please call me. He’d been hesitant, knowing it would be late, but I insisted since I didn’t have to work the next day.

Even though I wasn’t sleeping perfectly, I dozed off and woke to the ringer scaring the crap out of me at its loudest setting.

“Hello?”

“Darling, did I wake you?” he whispered.

God, I missed his voice. I missed the way it felt like a kiss on my forehead whenever he called me darling.

“Yes, but I’m glad you did. I miss hearing you.”

“I miss you too. The week’s flying by…but I’m still counting the seconds because they feel slow.”

“I know. I stare at clocks all day.” I tried hiding my third yawn, worried he would insist I go back to sleep.

“You sound exhausted, are you sleeping?”

“More than I expected, but it takes me a long while to get there, and then I wake up throughout the night. I’m also getting sick and got my period two days ago, so I’m pretty much knocked on my ass. How’s the filming?”

“Aw, Ellie. Sorry I’m not there to care for you…”

“It’s okay. Tell me about work, I just want to talk to you.”

Rhys told me about the cast and crew, and how they’d gone out to dinner as a big family. He explained he wasn’t being as social and I was glad to hear I wasn’t the only one feeling incomplete without the other. I smiled quietly and listened to his breathing.

“What are you thinking? You’re awfully quiet.”

“That I feel the same without you. What time is it there?”

“6:00 p.m.”

“Wow, so you still have the whole night ahead.”

“I do, but I’m off tonight and tomorrow…so I’d like nothing more than to stay on the phone for a few hours if that’s all right.”

“I’d like that,” I choked up.

Rhys told me about his temporary apartment that faced the ocean and explained the film. He described costumes and the plot of his new Jack the Ripper thriller, and mentioned he had met his co-star Joan Lettson. It was hard hearing him say how nice she was when I also knew she was nice to look at. My tone was jealous when I offered, “She’s very beautiful.”

Picking up on it, Rhys said, “You have nothing to worry about.”

There was a moment of awkwardness and I regretted my attitude. I think what bothered me most was that she got to look at him and touch him, and I didn’t. It may have been pretend, but still it wasn’t practical for me even if she was engaged and had just delivered a baby. Rhys insisted that I tell him about my courses and how my first week had been. He told me all the places he wanted to take me, and I said, “I’d like some time in the apartment, too.”

I missed his body on me, his scent all over me, and he groaned seductively, proving he had too. “Trust me, there will be.”

We both laughed and that was the best part of the call. Hearing his voice was comforting, but the sound of his laughter sent tingles all over my skin and made me love him more. Rhys stayed on the phone with me until I grew quiet, and after I fell asleep he hung up. It helped because it felt like he was there and when I woke up he had texted me.

Rhys: Go stay at my place, it’ll help. I Love you.

That afternoon I went over and found the first note taped to the inside of the door.

Hi, love,

I’m glad you’re here. I know I’m missing, but knowing you’re there makes me feel like I’m home too. I also know you’re safe in my bed and I can almost picture myself in it. Enjoy the house, and please keep coming back while I’m away. Here’s a picture I took of us while you slept, you looked so lovely I couldn’t help it. And of course, here’s another song…Photograph by Ed Sheeran.

Love, Rhys.

I looked over the picture and adored how he had snuggled up next to me, pressing his lips to my sleepy face and took the shot. After locking the door and heading upstairs, I listened to the song in his bed. Mistakenly, I assumed it would be easier at his place, but his smell surrounded me, playing tricks on my mind that he was close by. The bed felt emptier, void of his breaths and weight against the mattress. It was such a minuscule notion to love the way the bed dipped when he shifted, but it was the first thing I noticed after Aaron died, and the same with Rhys gone. The bed was simply too lonely.

Rhys was able to call me later that night. I had been in and out of sleep for hours and finally became annoyed around 1:00 a.m., opting to read instead. An hour into my book he called, and if I closed my eyes I could picture him beside me.

“I love the picture,” I said.

“It’s my phone background.”

“Is it really?”

“Yeah,” he paused. “What are you reading?”

“Amy Pohler’s book. I was hoping it would make me laugh.”

“What page are you on?”

“One hundred and fifteen, why?”

“I’m downloading it. I’ll read to you till you doze off.”

“Really?” I moaned through my constricted throat.

“Yes, love. I’m doing my best to take care of you from here.”

“Rhys…”

“Hmm,” he hummed.