For Life (25 page)
Cassie
Shit, shit, SHIT!
I move across the room faster than I intended. I know exactly what she’s just found. Grady snapped a couple pictures of us on his phone one day when I was lying on his chest and sent them to me. They’re not indecent or anything, but for someone who doesn’t know what’s happening between us, I imagine it’s a huge shock.
This is not how Grady and I planned this. We were going to talk to the kids together, when we had a timeline figured out. We were going to break it to them gently. Chloe looks like she’s just been slapped. Why, even though I thought to do it a million times, did I not put a security code on that damn phone?
When I reach for the phone she clutches it tighter. “I don’t understand,” she says, her eyes pleading with me to say something, anything to make what she’s just seen make sense.
“Is that
Daddy
?” Her eyes are blazing at me.
“Um…” I’m a terrible liar, but it doesn’t matter because although I snatch the phone away from her, Chloe doesn’t give me an opportunity to speak.
“What the hell is that? Why do you have selfies of you and Daddy?” she demands. “And what are you wearing? A bathing suit?” She looks up in horror before screeching, “Oh my God, are you in your
bra
in this picture?
“Chloe.”
“
Mom!
”
I take a deep breath and say the first thing that comes to mind. “It’s… complicated.”
“Oh my God!” she shrieks, leaping from her chair.
“Chlo, really. Don’t be dramatic.”
When she turns to me her face is crimson and she looks like she’s ready to cry. “You have pictures of you and Daddy
kissing
on your phone. And you guys are
divorced!
How can I
not
be dramatic about that?”
Taking a deep breath and gripping the counter, I speak as gently as I can. “I hate to remind you, sweetie, but I’m your mom. You don’t get a say in who I spend my time with.”
“Oh my God, you guys are
spending time
together now?”
The child has a promising future as a lawyer. “Chlo, seriously.”
“Oh my God…” Something clicks in her brain and she turns to me, horrified. “Oh my God, you and Daddy are…” Hysterical laughter peals from her and then her face twists and she hisses, “You are un-be-
liev
-able!”
The urge to slap her percolates within me and I am simultaneously ashamed of and justified at my thoughts about my own daughter. But she has turned on her inner bitch and we’re all about to suffer. She faces off with me over the kitchen island.
“I cannot even tell you how messed up that is. That’s like—” She pantomimes her head exploding. “We are
not
one of those families! I thought you and Daddy were, like, normal people!”
“We’re still normal. Daddy’s still Daddy and I’m still me. And we’re—” I’m at a loss to describe our status. Can ex-spouses date? Are we friends? Lovers? Partners?
“No.” She shakes her head. “No. It is not
normal
, Mother, for divorced people to
sneak around together!
”
“No,” I agree. “It’s not. But we’re hardly ‘sneaking around.’ That’s not what’s going on. Your dad and I are still really trying to work things out. We haven’t told you and your brother because we haven’t quite figured it out for ourselves yet. When we do, I promise, we will sit you guys down and discuss it. In the meantime, although I know he’s your dad, this is my private business.”
“I’ll ask Daddy,” she says defiantly, tossing her hair, and now I
really
want to slap her.
“Sure, you ask him,” I reply, using every bit of my strength to keep from saying something really sarcastic. “I think he’ll tell you the same thing, Chlo.”
“It’s weird,” she declares. “And I don’t like it.” Her voice breaks at the end. “I don’t understand why you guys are doing this!” Her eyes well with tears and she tries valiantly to blink them back, looking for all the world like she did when she was five. Despite all her sass and bitchiness, she’s still my baby.
I sigh and reach for her hand. “I’m sorry, Chloe. This is why your dad and I wanted to wait and talk to you guys together.”
But she cringes away from me and shakes her head again. “This isn’t happening,” she says softly. “Oh my God, Caden will
die
.”
“Please don’t say anything to your brother. We’ll have a family sit-down. Let us tell him then.”
“So you and Daddy have each other, and I can’t even have Caden? What if I want to talk to him about it? He’s the only one who could possibly understand how I feel about this!”
“Do you want to upset him?” I flare. “Are you really that selfish?”
“Oh, you want to talk about selfish!” she spits. “What’s selfish is parents who think it’s okay to be divorced the whole time their kids are growing up and then get back together! That’s what’s selfish,
Mom
, if you really want to know.”
Before I can recover from the shock of her words, she turns on her heel and stomps out of the kitchen and up the stairs. When she slams her bedroom door the entire house shakes, and I clench my fists and stand perfectly still so I don’t scream the place down, which is exactly what I want to do.
Immediately I text Grady.
Chloe found those pics you sent me. She knows. Just got in a huge fight.
—Shit.
—She’s really mad at me. She threatened to call you.
—She’s calling now.
The screen goes silent and from the other side of the house I hear the hysterical rise and fall of Chloe’s voice, interspersed with muffled weeping, as she talks to Grady. It lasts a long time while I wait, and then another text chirps.
—
Be there in a few.
Caden is in his room, and as usual when Chloe and I are battling it out he stays put when he hears the stomping and slamming. He tends to tune us out, so he still has no clue what’s going on. Although if either of our children will support us in this, it’s my sweet boy.
But what if he doesn’t? What if he freaks out like Chloe did? What if he thinks we’re selfish for what we’re doing?
What if both our children, who are a big part of the reason we want to be together, never forgive us for this?
* * * *
When Grady arrives, I’m standing in the kitchen with two unfrosted cake layers cooling on the counter, fighting the urge to pour a glass of wine. I tell myself that if he can’t use any liquid courage to get him through this uncomfortable conversation, I shouldn’t, either. Best to just get it done and over with so we can move past it.
The only way out is through.
I have no idea who said it first, but the words give me strength as I turn to Grady and take further comfort in the broad plane of his chest.
“She hates me,” I sob into his shirt.
He presses his lips to the top of my head and holds me tight. “She doesn’t hate you. She’s confused and she feels betrayed. But she doesn’t hate you, Cass.”
“We just had the best night, too. She
talked
to me. She called me Mommy. And now she’s never going to speak to me again.”
“Shhh, stop. It’s okay. Really, it’s going to be fine.” He squeezes me tightly.
When I squeeze back he asks, “They both in their rooms?”
“Yes.”
“Pour yourself a glass of wine and I’ll go round them up.”
“No, I shouldn’t—”
“Hey.” He tips my chin up and looks me in the eyes. “You’re a bundle of nerves. If you don’t want to have a glass of wine, don’t. But don’t
not
do it because of me.”
“Okay,” I whisper, grateful that he doesn’t mind, because I would surely welcome something to help me calm down.
“I love you,” he vows, pressing his lips to mine. It’s a sweet kiss, the kind of kiss meant to reassure me. And it works. He heads upstairs and I pour myself a glass of pinot grigio and take a swallow, letting the cool, crisp wine flow over my tongue.
I know Grady’s okay with this. In fact, he’s more than okay. He’s been after me to talk to the kids since about the second week we were together. But I’m absolutely terrified of their reaction. And I’ve been putting them off in part because not including the kids means it’s just a bit less real. Now I have nothing else to hide behind. No escape hatch. I’m in this completely.
I head to the living room and turn on the lamps. The kids file in with Grady on their heels, Caden looking bewildered and Chloe’s face as stubborn as stone. The kids flank me on the sectional while Grady sits in the recliner.
Grady doesn’t mince words. “Your mom and I are trying to work things out between us,” he says, looking right at the kids, his face earnest. “And we would appreciate your patience and support.”
Caden nods, completely clueless about what we mean.
“We made a decision that we want to be together again, and we’re committed to that.”
Chloe shakes her head angrily, but I can tell that Caden doesn’t quite get it. “What do you mean, ‘together’?” he asks, frowning.
“Oh my God, you are so slow.” Chloe barks strangled laughter. “They’re
together
. Like together together.” She crosses her arms and turns her body away from Caden and I, toward the wall and Grady’s chair.
It still takes Caden a few seconds, but then it dawns on him. “You mean getting back together? Like a couple?” He doesn’t look unhappy when he swings his gaze to Grady. “Dad, are you moving in with us?”
“Oh my God!” shrieks Chloe, bursting into tears and drawing her knees up to her chest.
I raise my hands and interject, “Let’s just all slow down a minute. What your dad is trying to say is—”
But Grady has already begun to speak, far more calmly than I’m attempting to. “Your mom and I spent a long time not being able to be friends. That’s not what either of us wanted, especially for you two. We worked on some things when we were out in Delaware, came to an understanding. So now we’re trying to work things out between us to have a relationship again.”
While Grady talks, Chloe unfolds herself, and now she glares at me, her face still red and her eyes puffy. Caden, on the other hand, looks intrigued. His eyes flicker back and forth between Grady and me, studying us as if seeing us for the first time.
“I love your mom,” Grady declares. “That never changed. We were trying to figure things out a bit more before we told you, but—” he looks sternly at Chloe, “That wasn’t possible. So now we’re telling you as much as we can. We don’t know exactly what we’re going to do next. But the deal is, as soon as we make decisions, we’ll talk to you guys about it. And if there’s a family decision to be made, we’ll make it together. As a family.”
Caden smiles shyly. “Cool,” he says. “I’m happy you guys are…” he trails off and looks back and forth at us. “Working on… whatever. I like us all being together.”
Chloe glares at him like he’s the world’s biggest traitor and sinks further into her seat, as if she’s trying to disappear.
My hands tremble so hard I have to set my wineglass down.
“Cass, anything to add?” Grady prompts.
“Yes,” I say, taking a deep breath and winging it. “I know you guys were both really little when your dad and I split up. We didn’t want to, but things just… Things were too much for us to handle back then. We were very young. But we’re trying now. Most people don’t get back together after they get a divorce, so we don’t exactly know what we’re doing. But we’re seeing a counselor, and maybe it would be good if we all talked to her together. All four of us.”
Caden nods, but Chloe, predictably, rolls her eyes.
“Chlo? Something to say?” Grady asks pointedly.
She shakes her head and averts her gaze.
“So… uh… is Dad staying here tonight?” Caden asks, looking at me. Chloe makes a strangled noise in her throat.
“No, I’m staying at my place,” Grady says. “I just wanted to come over for a bit so your mom and I could talk to you two.”
“Okay.” Caden looks back and forth between us before nervously asking, “So, this has been really cool and I’m happy for you guys and all, but is it okay if I’m excused? I kind of have a lot of homework.”
I’m so relieved I could weep. Chloe might be coming undone, but Caden is taking this all in stride. I think even if we’d told him Grady was moving in tonight, he would’ve had the same reaction. He just needs the lay of the land and he adjusts to it easily.
Just like Grady
, I think, gazing at my children’s father, his elbows on his knees, smiling at his son.
When Caden heads up to his room, Grady turns to Chloe, who’s picking her fingernails and refusing to look at us.
“Chlo.”
She keeps picking for a few beats, then looks reluctantly at Grady.
“Remember what we talked about?”
She pauses, then nods slowly. “Mom,” she begins, her voice sounding aggravated and rehearsed rather than truly apologetic, “I’m sorry I snapped at you.”