Forbidden Flowers (39 page)

“fantasy bank” has suddenly doubled in value.

About me: I masturbate all the time. Most every day (whether I'm having a relationship or not). Lot of times, if I stay home from work one day or on a Saturday when I don't feel like going out, I can lie in bed all day and come again and again and feel like I haven't wasted my day at all. Last night, I 267

came nine times before going to sleep. Anyway … let's get into my fantasy.

The main elements are my passivity at the hands of this doctor or whoever (it's never a rapist). (Once after going through customs on the way back from Mexico, and being told by the customs guy that “We can strip you, you know, if we think you've got dope on you,” I did a whole new fantasy on being examined and searched by these sex-hungry customs men and women. They're never rough, always very calm and methodi-cal, even when they're making me suck them off.) In the main fantasy that I've had since childhood, a mad doctor has somehow abducted me. I am in his laboratory (he is in a white lab coat – faceless, of course). He has me strapped down to an unusual examining table. Sometimes the table branches out into a “v” at the bottom, so my legs can be securely strapped wide open to each arm of the “v,” and the doctor has easy access to my genitals. There are little metal caps which are placed over my nipples. Wide metal circular bands which fit around my breasts, which hold them up straight into the air. Sometimes hot needles are inserted into my nipples (I have done this myself sometimes and have been very stimulated if I don't hurt myself too much). I am usually blindfolded and gagged, or my mouth is propped open. The main apparatus has, as its base, a huge black ceiling-height metal thing (like the X-ray business in a dentist's office) …. From this, on the end of a spring kind of thing, comes the actual device that will penetrate my genital/anal areas. This latter, when inside me, will buzz, vibrate, be electrically shocking in some way. The device for my lower regions is three-pronged. From the center of it protrudes a phallic thing, shiny metal, smooth, and huge.

This is inserted into my vagina. (By the way, the “doctor” always uses words that are very clinical: “vagina,” “anus,” etc., never “cunt” or “ass.” Sometimes there is an assistant there whom the doctor, orders about, “Insert the anal device,” “Hold her down,” “Strap her arms securely,” “Spread her wider,” etc.

Hearing these words is very important. I say nothing, except an occasional, “Oh, no, please don't.” But the doctor is constantly talking, if not to his assistant, then to me: “Just relax,” “Hold still,” “That's good,” “Don't move,” “Just lie still,” etc. He is 268

always extremely calm and self-possessed, never becoming excited or anything.) The second “arm” of the device is a smaller version of the vaginal device, it is for my anus. The third section looks like a miniature floor waxer. It is a little round rubber thing (something like a washer for a faucet) which is on the end of a short metal rod. This is positioned on my clitoris. It will, when activated, spin 'round and 'round like a floor waxer, “waxing” my clit to climax.

Although certain things vary, this is basically the one fantasy to which I've climaxed for like eight years. I also get off on thinking of being gently, but forcibly bent over a table or something and being penetrated by a finger or a cock or a vibrator in my ass. Actually, having hemorrhoids, I can't do anything like this, unfortunately.

I have had the good fortune to have almost acted out my doctor fantasy. This doctor is not your typical professional, as you will see. Coming back from Florida one summer with a bad case of scabies, I went to this guy on the recommendation of a friend. Going late in the afternoon (after work), his office was empty except for me and his nurse, and she was off someplace far from the examining room. Instead of giving me a gown or something or calling in the nurse (as I believe doctors are required to do by law), he just told me to “take down my pants and bend over the table” (the scabies were on my ass).

Needless to say, I immediately became so aroused I thought I was going to faint. But all he did was poke around at the scabies and give me a prescription and a date for a second exam.

Well, by the time the day for the second exam came around, I was determined (encouraged by his unorthodox methods) to have something happen. Just what that would be, I wasn't sure, but I was determined. So, after a repeat of the first performance, I began my spiel. “Dr. So-and-so, I don't really know who else to tell this to, or where to turn for help. I'm twenty-two years old and have never had an orgasm. I don't even know what it feels like. What should I do?” I went on and on and on with this oh-so-sincere look and tone of voice. He began his answer by telling me what to tell my boyfriend to do. I countered by saying that I had told my boyfriend things, and that nothing worked. I wouldn't even know what an orgasm was if I 269

fell over one, etc. etc. That's when he told his nurse to go home (it was about 6 P.M.), and I knew I had it in the bag. His next line almost made me laugh out loud with elation. He said,

“Have I given you a pelvic? Maybe there is something wrong with you physically. Take off your clothes, and get up on the table.” No gown, nothing. Just me COMPLETELY NUDE

climbing up on the table. I was so excited I didn't know if I could keep from passing out. Well, the good doctor, surgical glove well lubricated with surgical goo, went straight, and I mean straight, for my clit. His “How does that feel? Tell me.

Tell me” bullshit was ruining it, though, and I had to tell him to shut up. Anyway, I came, but was surprised to find that I still had to fantasize that I was bound and tied up before I could make it. Afterward, he wanted to fuck me, but he was actually an ugly little man, and I very hastily thanked him and split. Frankly, it was pretty dreamlike. I couldn't believe I had had the nerve to do it, or that this fantasy had actually come true. But, also frankly, the fantasy is much more satisfying and exciting than that experience was.

Another “fantasy-come-true” happened with a rather sadistic woman-hater that I was falling madly in love with. He got off first on spanking me. Gradually, we progressed to his tying me down to the bed and whipping the shit out of me with his belt till my breasts, thighs, and ass were bruised for days. I didn't get off on the pain per se, but on the psych of the thing, especially when he would kiss and caress and pity the wounds he had just inflicted. The whippings themselves didn't make me come. I would usually have to masturbate while he was whipping and fucking me (from behind), but if I did concentrate on what was actually going on, it helped to get me off.

The mercy trip was the crucial thing here, I think. His loving those parts of my body that he'd just finished wounding. (
Story
of O?
) Anyway, the more we got into this, the more I loved him and felt possessed and owned by him, and the more he lost respect for me, and there went that relationship. He wound up calling me a sicky, and telling me how bad I was for him and all. For a while, this made me feel really sick and perverted, but I now realize, at least, that it takes two to make a sick rela-270

tionship, and besides, what the fuck? How can you say something that is “you” is sick or normal? If it makes up what is in totality “you,” it is as unique and unlabelable as is each person walking around this earth. So, that guy's hang-ups, as far as I'm concerned, are his own.

When the .movie
The Devils
came out, a whole new fantasy world opened to me. I don't know if you're familiar with it. The

“nun-possessed-by-sexual-demons-that-must-be-exorcised-through-sexual-means” type of thing. Vanessa Redgrave, the nun in question, had to go through the most delicious forced tortures (having her breasts bound with barbed wire, etc.) It turned me on so I had to leave in the middle to go home and masturbate. The rape scene from
Rosemary's Baby
did the same. At age seven or eight I saw a television flick about these Martians that landed and were taking over earth by nabbing the town's most prominent folks and drilling these little com-puterized control devices in to the backs of their necks. Watching that movie, I can remember feeling my cunt throbbing like the dickens for the first time. Watching this beautiful, utterly passive woman, her neck bent forward, and this drill beginning to enter her neck … wow. I remember my mother came in and wanted to tell me something just as this was happening, and I threw something at her. I was so wrapped up and throbbing and angry that she'd disturbed me. Of course, she thought I was just into the flick. She didn't know why, I'm sure, but she didn't talk to me for days 'cause of my throwing something at her.

I usually don't fantasize about women while I'm masturbating or fucking, except rarely, when I've met a woman I'd really like to sleep with and don't know if she's up for it or not. Since reading your book, however, I've found that I can fantasize about a (prospective) female lover eating my cunt deliciously.

I'll wind up calling her name and coming like a bitch.

Anyway, best of luck. What you're doing is really dynamite.

271

Nessie

I have just finished reading
My
Secret Garden,
and I thought I would write this as a kind of “thank you.” I bought your book for myself, and that's why I was quite surprised when my husband – who never reads anything –

seemed interested in it. It was that that finally gave me the nerve to tell him about my special fantasy and ask him to act it out.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been turned on by the idea of getting spanked. My parents never did so I don't know how it happened to appeal to me – but it did. As I got older and knew more about sex, my horizons broadened a bit, and I enjoyed the thought of being beaten with a belt.

My whole personality is geared toward male domination – I hate guys who let women walk all over them. Taking this into consideration, my husband is the perfect partner for me, the kind who treats a girl fantastic in return for a little deference and obedience:

But to get back to the subject, sometimes when we were fucking, I'd ask him to slap me, and he always would, although he seemed a little resistant.

The night after we had been reading your book, I got him started slapping me while he fucked me, and after it was over, I thought “what the hell,” he knows that other women like weird things, so I'll ask him. I said, “Do you like hitting me?” and he said, “Yes.” I asked him if he'd ever thought of trying it with something else. “Like what?” he asked me, and I said, “Like a belt.”

He seemed to like the idea, but we were both a little unsure how to get started. I suggested we start with a spanking to sort of warm up. He took me across his knee and slapped my buttocks about ten times; then we got into a foreplay thing, with him kissing me very deeply and fingering my cunt.

I had smoked a joint before all this and that, plus the anticipation of what was going to happen, had me more turned on than I can ever remember being. He asked me if I was ready, 272

and when I said I was (was I ever!) he undressed me and told me to turn over on my stomach.

At first I was nervous that the whole thing would be a disappointment, but after he hit me just once, I knew there was no danger of that. It was fantastic! It hurt (although not terribly), but I wanted it to go on forever: I can't really describe the feeling, except that I loved feeling helpless, and that he was so much stronger, more dominant than I was.

We talked about it afterward, and it turned out that he'd always dug that type of thing too, but was afraid to broach the subject to me. Thank goodness your book gave me the nerve to bring it up, or I might never have known.

So I guess that while some fantasies aren't ideal when turned into reality, this one sure was. And it's all because of you, really, so thanks a lot.

Kellie

I have just finished reading
My
Secret Garden,
and found it to be one of the most interesting books I've read in ages. I thought I might enjoy sharing my thoughts with you.

I am twenty-three years old, and my husband is twenty-six.

We have been married for six years and have two children.

I was surprised that most of the men you talked with were so closed-minded about the existence of women's sexual fantasies. My husband not only admits that they exist but gets very turned on when I share my fantasies with him. Our sexual relationship has always been good, but it gets more exciting all the time, due to our fantasy-sharing.

I suppose my fantasies are typical. My favorite being that I am seduced by an attractive man; sometimes he is someone we know; more often, he is a stranger. I later tell my husband all the details, relating it exactly, word for word, action by action.

Telling my husband what has happened to me is probably the most exciting part of the fantasy. My husband insists that he actually wants me to act out this fantasy. He wants to perform cunnilingus on me (which has always been included in our lovemaking) while I tell him what went on with this fantasy 273

man. He wants to hear everything the man does to me, just as I tell him about it in my fantasy. He says just thinking about it makes him climax. I admit that I am seriously considering doing it, but I'm afraid of jeopardizing our relationship. My husband and I are very close to each other, and this is important to me. The interesting thing is that my husband is very jealous and possessive of me, and I'm afraid that if I really did act out this fantasy, that it might not have the desired effect.

However, he insists that it would not hurt our relationship, but would add to it, as long as I am completely honest with him.

Another fantasy of ours is making it with a black man.

Yes, my husband would actually like to “go down” on a black cock with me watching all the action. Even though most men would not admit to being turned on by another man's cock, my husband does and is. He actually had an experience with a black man when he was in the service, and had been drinking quite a bit. He told me everything that happened, and it did not repulse me in any way. In fact, it had quite the opposite effect. It does not make him less of a man in my eyes I know he is not a true homosexual, as he has proven that through our relationship. But the thought that he enjoys sex so much, that he thinks of pleasing men too, makes his sexuality all the stronger to me. Know what I mean? I really dig his honesty.