Forever for a Year (24 page)

“Look behind you before you put it in reverse,” his dad said from the back seat.

“I know,” Trevor said.

“He knows,” Lily said, hopping up and down on the back seat, waving at me.

“Seat belt, now,” Mr. Santos said to Lily.

“You're right, Dad. I wasn't thinking because I was so excited about Carolina and Trevor's big night.” Gosh, I love her.

*   *   *

When we got to Peggy's, Trevor and I got out of the BMW, hugged Lily, then waved as she and Mr. Santos drove away. We were the first ones to arrive besides Katherine and Peggy. Because, duh, they lived there.

As we walked to the front door, I noticed my bike was leaned against the side of the house where I left it a month ago. I had never gone back to get it. Seeing it there, it didn't even seem like my bike anymore. Maybe I should get it back someday, but maybe I'll just leave it here forever like an artifact of a different time in history. Now that Trevor drove (well, at least sort of), I might never ride my bike again anyway.

Mrs. Darry opened the front door. I'd forgotten to warn Trevor about Peggy's mom. You know, that she's the craziest adult in the universe. But she seemed to be a good mood, which was rare. When it did happen she would laugh after everything she said. So as long as you laughed a little too, it would be okay. “You must be the infamous Trevor,” she said, and giggled as she let us into the house. Gosh. But I laughed because I had to. Mr. Darry, who never said anything, was watching sports on the TV and drinking a beer. I didn't want to leave Trevor alone with the Darrys, but I knew Peggy would kill me if I didn't go upstairs to her room.

“I'm going to check on Peggy,” I said, then kissed him on the cheek.

“No teenage kissing in my house!” Mrs. Darry yelled. Even though she meant it to be funny, it made me feel bad. I still smiled at her because, you know.

*   *   *

“Hi,” I said as I opened Peggy's door.

“You look amazing!” Peggy said, and ran over from her mirror to hug me.

“You do too!” I said even though her dress was cut so low I thought her nipples might show. And she wore so much makeup. Purple eyeliner and super-dark lipstick and foundation even. Gosh. She looked so old, like, nineteen, but, I don't know, not as pretty as she did when she looked like a freshman. But maybe I was being mean. Or maybe I was jealous that her mom let her wear so much makeup. I was hardly allowed to wear any. It was like I didn't have any on at all. But I guess Trevor loved me without it so it was okay. But really you also want to look pretty for girls, not just boys. And at homecoming maybe even more for girls than for boys. Maybe. I don't know. This was my first dance ever. It was exciting. But also a little scary.

*   *   *

So eventually everyone arrived, and the freshmen gathered into a big group together, including the popular girls, Emma Goldberg, Jean Booker, Raina Bethington, and Wanda Chan, even though their dates were upperclassmen. I guess they were still the popular girls, though I didn't really think about it much anymore. Maybe that's what love does: makes you forget about being popular. Shannon Shunton was supposed to come, but she was late, I guess. It was weird, but I missed her. Not missed. How can you miss someone you barely knew? But, I don't know, I just think Shannon Shunton is interesting and I wanted Trevor to get to know her.

Trevor was nice to Henry, Jake, and Licker, even though I knew he hated them. They kept talking about their football game and how hard Henry had tackled this one boy on Glenbrook South's team after Henry threw an interception. The freshman team had lost by like twenty points today and had only won one game all season, so I don't know why Henry kept talking about their team as if they were good.

So I said, “Did you know Trevor might run with the varsity at next week's meet?”

“That's cool, Trev,” Licker said, which made me remember he was the first person I ever kissed and now he was talking to the second person I ever kissed. So silly to think about that.

“Yeah, but it's cross-country,” Henry said, and Jake laughed. Ugh. Now I remembered why I hated them. Trevor didn't say anything. I wished he would say something. I hated how he never talked back to jerks. He should be tougher. No, he was great. I loved him just the way he was.

*   *   *

After we took a million pictures, we all got on the party bus. We sat at the very front because we were both freshmen. Then all of Katherine's friends were at the very back. Shannon Shunton never showed up. I texted her to see if she wanted us to wait. I don't even know why. I had never texted her anything before. But she didn't text me back.

The upperclassmen started passing up plastic cups filled with alcohol as soon as we started driving toward the dance. Trevor and I had never talked about drinking. I didn't know what I was going to do if he started drinking. I guessed I should if he did. Just a sip. I knew he'd still love me even if I didn't, but I didn't want him to feel alone. Or maybe I didn't want to feel alone. But guess what? When Henry handed him a cup, Trevor said, “No, thanks.”

Henry said, “You should at least hold a cup, dude, so they don't think you look like a loser.”

Which I didn't think was a terrible idea, but Trevor said, “I don't care what they think.” And oh my gosh, it was like Trevor had just said the coolest line in a movie, like one where the audience would cheer, and I was his girlfriend. And you should have seen the look on Peggy's face. It was like she knew. Knew Trevor was so much better than Henry. Not better. That's mean. But yes, better! Henry was a jerk and he pretended to be this leader but really he was the biggest follower and said dumb things all the time!

But as much as I loved what Trevor said and thought more than ever that I had the coolest, most amazing boyfriend in the history of the universe, after he said that to Henry, we were kind of ignored the rest of the ride to the dance. Licker asked Trevor one question about basketball. But Henry and Jake ignored him totally, and Peggy and the other freshman girls ignored me.

Then at the dance, we tried to dance with the group except it was weird to dance with people who weren't talking to you. I mean, this was the first time Trevor and I had ever danced together, and all I could think about was how Peggy wouldn't even look at me. So eventually, during a slow dance, which was my favorite, I whispered to Trevor, “Want to go dance with your friends?”

“Sure, babe,” he said, which was the first time he ever called me “babe” or anything besides Carolina. I liked it. I think. He took me by the hand and we walked away from Peggy and the others and I almost cried. But not really. I think, maybe, I was done crying over Peggy. We danced with his sophomore friends and their dates, who were super nice. It felt really good to have people not ignore you, and eventually, after the dance was over, we got in their limo and went to Denny's. It was fun, but I didn't feel like I was living my own life. It was like I was this other girl who had never known Peggy or any of those freshmen. Like I was a sophomore girl who had grown up with these sophomore girls and been friends with Aaron and Tor forever and had been dating Trevor since we were born.

 

48

Trevor takes off Carolina's bra

The Sunday after homecoming something awesome happened. My parents took Lily downtown like she had been begging them to do for months. I was supposed to go, but I said I was too tired after the dance. I invited Carolina over and her mom dropped her off. As soon as she walked through the front door, I kissed her. I was so excited, I had to keep kissing her right there. We made out in my living room, which we had never done. It felt strange, and Carolina kept thinking my parents would come home. It felt dangerous, not dangerous, I suppose, but thrilling. Which made it more fun and made me want to keep kissing her even more. I repeated, over and over, that my parents would be gone all day. Then we took off our shirts. And she reached down my pants. Which felt incredible, like always, but … I don't know. I wanted a new kind of incredible too.

I said, “Can I take off your bra?”

“Why?” she asked.

“I want our skin to touch everywhere.”

“Our stomachs touch.”

“I want our chests to touch.”

“But … my boobs are small.”

“I love your body,” I said.

“I don't want to have sex.”

“Me either.” Which was true. I swear. I wouldn't even know what to do.

“Okay.” She reached behind her back to unlatch her bra.

“Can I do it?”

“Okay,” she said, so I reached behind except I couldn't figure it out. “Want some help?” she said, and laughed. I loved when Carolina laughed, especially when we were, you know, making out and stuff. It made me think she enjoyed it as much as I did. She reached again behind and both our hands undid the bra together.

Then she slid it off and there she was, Carolina, and her naked boobs. They were small. She was right. They didn't look anything like what I saw on the internet.

“You think they're small, don't you?” she said, then I looked up and saw her eyes, and the hurt, and I wanted to never see her hurt again.

“No, they're sexy.”

“They're not sexy. They're small.”

“They're perfect,” I said.

“You're just saying that because you love me.”

“Can I touch them?”

“You've touched them before.”

“Yes, but never without your bra.”

“Yes, silly, you can touch them.”

So I did. And then I kissed her. And then I pulled her against my chest and I loved the feel of her cool nipples against mine. I wanted our bodies so close there was not even one millimeter of air between them. “This feels so good,” I said when we took a break from making out.

She said, “You're right, it does.” And then Carolina said something so beautiful. “It feels like our bodies belong next to each other.”

Then we kissed with even more crazy passion than usual and eventually she touched me and I came. She put her bra back on, but we left our shirts off, heated up a frozen pizza, and went down into the basement. After eating, we put on the first season of
Game of Thrones
, which we were slowly getting through, and fell asleep on the couch. But only after I asked if she'd take her bra off again.

When we woke up, I was excited again. So I kissed her and she kissed me. And then she grabbed me, but then I said, “Can I touch you?”

“I don't want to have sex,” Carolina said, which is what she always said. Frustrating.

“Carolina, I don't either. But I read a lot of stuff on the internet and I talked to my mom and I don't want you to always do this for me. I want to be able to make you feel good too.” This was true. But I also wanted to touch her because the thought made me excited. Was that bad?

“You do make me feel good.”

“I want to make you have an orgasm.”

“Oh gosh.”

“You don't want to have one?”

“I … uh … don't know if I can have one.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because the internet says most girls don't have orgasms until they're over twenty years old.”

I said, “That's not what I read. I read girls have orgasms even before boys. Like as young as nine or ten sometimes.”

“Yes, but that's doing it themselves. What I read is that most girls have a hard time having one with a boy until they are in college or later.”

“Have you done it yourself?” I asked, and I don't know why, but waiting for her to answer made me feel nervous. Or maybe anxious. Or maybe even more excited than I already was. My breath got quick. And tight. My heart beat fast. And faster.

Then she said, “No … No. I just … like doing it with you.”

“But before you met me?”

“I never thought about it. Not really. Does that make me sound so immature? I'm sorry, Trevor.”

“Don't be sorry! You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry for bringing it up.”

Then we sat there and didn't kiss and didn't talk and I didn't know what to say.

Carolina said, “Okay. You can touch me.”

“I don't want to if you don't want me to.”

“But I do want you to.”

“Carolina, I think you just want me to because you want to make me happy. I don't want to be one of those boyfriends who only does sex stuff with his girlfriend that makes him feel good. I want you to like it too.”

Carolina got quiet for a second, then her eyes started watering. But it was the good kind. She said, “Gosh, I love when you say stuff like that, Trevor.…”

“I mean it.”

“I know,” she said, then she grabbed my hand and pushed it toward the top of her jeans. And I reached down and felt her pubic hair and she gasped.

“Is that okay?” I asked.

“Yes. It just is sensitive when you touch it for some reason. I like it,” she said. Then I tried to reach farther, except her jeans were too tight.

“Can I take off your jeans?”

“I'll be naked!”

“You'll have your underwear on.”

“I'll be almost naked.”

“I'll take my jeans off too.”

“But no sex, right?”

“Carolina, I promise we will never have sex.”

“Not never, just not for a long time, okay?”

“I promise,” I said, and then I unzipped her jeans and slid them off. She was naked except for her underwear. Then she undid my jeans and pulled them off. I had to help at the end because I'm taller. So I was naked except for my underwear too. I looked at her whole body, up and down, and caressed it with my right hand. She shivered any time I got near her underwear. I didn't feel like I was real anymore. I felt like I was watching a movie of my life. “So it's okay if I touch you?”