Forever Is Over (101 page)

I do not know if it is all women or just Jemma, but if an argument is
being lost, Jemma has an ability to make it about something completely
different, to somehow attempt to shift the balance of power back in her
favour.

“
I know very well why you don
’
t want a vasectomy,
”
Jemma
announced moodily.

“
So do I, because we don
’
t have sex!
”

“
No, no, Richie, do not pretend that
’
s it!
”

“
I am not pretending anything, sweetheart.
”

I used the word
‘
sweetheart
’
in derogatory tones.

“
Yes, you are! The real reason you do not want a vasectomy is
because you want more children.
”

“
Believe me, Jemma, the last thing that I want is for you and I to
have more children.
”

“
Oh I know that,
”
Jemma said,
“
you want children with someone
else.
”

“
Jemma, you are just being fucking balmy now!
”

Neither Jemma nor I tended to swear.
If you swear all the time, its
impact is diminished. If you rarely swear, when you do, whoever you
direct your profanities towards knows you mean business! I was at the
end of my tether. Jemma persisted with her non-sensical logic.

“
I know you, Richie. Better than you know yourself. The reason you
don
’
t want a vasectomy is in case we split up and you end up with some
young, pretty, childless woman.
”

“
That
’
s just complete crap, Jemma! The reason I don
’
t want a
vasectomy, is because I do not want some doctor to take a pair of scissors
to my balls, to inflict unnecessary agony, rendering me spermless, a
result which you already inflict painlessly every
night by your abstinence.
”

“
Your ball.
”
Jemma stated heartlessly, reminding me that one of my
testicles was as real as the tooth fairy.

“
Thanks!
”

“
Richie, as well as the fact that we are always shattered, have you
not considered that the fear of pregnancy may also be playing a part in
my lack of sexual appetite?
”

“
Don
’
t use that as a new excuse, Jemma! Once I was snipped and
there was no going back, I am sure I would end up discovering that the
bedroom was still passion free. You would not be interested whether I
was a Jaffa or not!
”

“
Why would you want to go back to being a sperm maker? See,
you
’
re planning ahead! Planning life with your second wife.
”

             
“
Jemma, you are just insane!
”

“
No, I
’
m not. We don
’
t want more kids, so if you had a vasectomy
and it did not result in more sex, why would you want it reversed? Not
for more kids with me, we
’
ve established that!
”

“
Jemma, let
’
s get one thing straight. Having kids with someone
else had not crossed my mind for one single second until you brought
it up. That is not what I want. What I want is to get our marriage back
on track. To be like we used to be. To enjoy each other
’
s company, feel 
very positive about life and yes, sometimes, have a bit of passion. Is that
too much to ask?
”

“
Sometimes it is. Life is a struggle sometimes. Most of the time.
Richie, you have an escape, you go off to work every morning and can
completely forget about everything at home for eight or nine hours. I
can
’
t. I have to clean the dishes, clean the toilets, wash and iron the
mountain of clothes, vacuum, change nappies, struggle to get Jamie off
for his afternoon sleep, entertain Melissa, feed them both, which is a
battle in itself and then when you arrive home, I have to feed you and
be all happy and cheery and act like a dirty little whore if you are up
for a shag! Get real, Richie! You need to start taking a dose of reality
every day!
”

“
Does our life have to be this miserable?
”

“
Richie, our life is not miserable. We have two beautiful children,
one of whom is very hard work. He is not doing it because he is a
vindictive little sod, he is doing it because he knows no different. I don
’
t
think our life is miserable, it
’
s just pretty tough, but it will get easier
once we sort Jamie out. It would also get easier if you started helping
me more around the house, instead of just playing on the Playstation
and complaining that I
’
m not wanting sex every day.
”

“
Jemma, if you need more help around the house, all you needed
to do was ask.
”

“
I shouldn
’
t have to ask, Richie.
”

“
I
’
ll help.
”

“
Good. And the vasectomy?
”

“
I
’
m not having a vasectomy. I
’
ll tell you what, once we start having
sex three or four times a month and we are actually running a risk of
pregnancy, then I
’
ll have a vasectomy.
”

I don
’
t know how we managed it, but sometimes, just when it looked
like the argument had finished, we managed to kickstart it again.
Jemma did not take kindly to this suggestion. Her mouth sagged at
both
ends.

“
Is that your way of blackmailing me into sex, Richie?
”

“
If I have to blackmail you into sex, Jemma, I would rather not
bother.
”

“
Good!
”

On cue, Jamie started crying again. I dragged myself up off the sofa
and was all set to go to tend to him, but could not resist one parting
shot.

“
You know what, Jemma, maybe you are right. Maybe I should
preserve my sperm for my second wife, some young beauty who is happy
to see me each night rather than be sick of the sight of me like you.
”

             
Jemma did not take the bait, she just struck back.

“
Best of luck finding a young beauty who would be interested in you!
Divorced, two kids, lazy, crap in bed! They
’
ll be queuing up!
”

“
So she did just fall!
”

“
Absolutely.
”

“
But Jemma did play her part, because she did have a knife.
”

“
Only to keep Mum away.
”

Anna and I were sat next to a roaring fire in the bar area of Anna
’
s
hotel, drinking Sambucas. I had told her the whole story of Mum
’
s
demise, from the very beginning, Mum
’
s life of drinking and partying,
the various one night stands and stepdads, how she had turned on Jemma
and began regularly beating her. Every minute detail was discussed. I
just changed one little bit. In this version of events, I managed not to
charge out of my room like a wild bull, I just stayed in there, frightened
and sobbing.

In this parallel universe, Mum fell as she had been drinking all
day, so had lost her footing and tumbled, she did not die because I
had pushed her. I preferred this version! Anna seemed to like it too.
Hopefully, she would be as much of a gossip as she appeared to be
and when she flew back home, she would spread the word that Jemma
Watkinson was innocent and so was her sister, Kelly.

“
Do you not feel guilty?
”
Anna asked as she made circles on the
table with her Sambuca glass.

“
What about?
”

I needed to clarify what Anna was asking. I did feel guilty, incredibly
guilty, about killing my mother, but Anna didn
’
t know she died at my
hands, so I had to establish what else I might be feeling guilty about.

“
Abandoning your sister. From what you have told me, Jemma was the main victim throughout. She had to endure the beatings, she had to
protect you from your mother, yet when the chips were down and she
needed you most, you abandoned her. You let her face the trial alone. If
you had testified, told the court everything that you
’
ve told me, Jemma
would not have gone to jail.
”

I thought about the question. I had to dilute my real answer, as my
real answer was that I did feel guilty, but given the circumstances, I
really should have felt a lot worse. It was all my doing, yet Jemma went
to jail. I should have been far more supportive than I had been and I
should have made more effort to right my wrong, but I had done nothing. I had made no effort to contact Jemma at all. If I was completely honest,
I would have confessed that I did not even think about Jemma all that
often, I had just tried to put the whole incident out of my mind. For
the first time in many years, I was overcome with a sense of guilt and a
desire to see Jemma. A burning desire.

“
Are you OK?
”
Anna asked. I hadn
’
t answered her question and
probably wore a troubled expression.

“
Yes, sorry! I was miles away,
”
I explained,
“
my mind was taking
me back to that night with Mum and Jemma. Yes, I felt guilty, but I
was just a seventeen year old girl, totally out of her depth. I was scared
of facing the police, my Nan even wa
rned me not to come back after
Jemma
’
s arrest, as I had already fled to Holland by then. I started to
panic, started thinking illogically, I even had it in my head that I may
end up jointly charged with Jemma. I did not think, at the time, that
my return would have made things easier for Jemma, all I knew was that
they would make things a lot harder for me. With hindsight, I should
have been braver. There
’
s no doubting I let Jemma down badly. I should
have gone back, but I didn
’
t and that
’
s something I
’
m going to have to
live with now.
”

Anna polished off the rest of her Sambuca.
Mine was already empty.

             
“
To be honest, I think you did let her down. At least, you did it
inadvertently. You didn
’
t think you could help Jemma, you just went
into self-preservation mode. It
’
s understandable, as you said you were
only seventeen.
”

“
Do you know what jail she
’
s in?
”
I asked.
Anna gave me a puzzled look.