Forever Is Over (137 page)

Richie got down on his hands and knees and started helping me
with the broken pieces.

“
Not like you Watkinson girls to kick off!
”

“
Yeh right! I suppose at least there
’
s an element of subtlety about
Kelly
’
s kick offs whilst I just go ape! Richie, I
’
m really sorry I thought
you were capable of sleeping with her.
”

Richie took my hand.

“
Jemma, I should never have betrayed your trust by turning up to
meet her. I always knew I was in the wrong, I just didn
’
t want to admit
it to you.
”

I squeezed Richie
’
s hand back.

“
Richie, I
’
m glad you went. It
’
s helped us sort our relationship back
out. We needed a crisis, I don
’
t think we
’
d have undone the knots
without one.  Fancy coming to bed?
”

“
It
’
s not even eight o
’
clock! What about the mess?
”

“
You can wear a condom!
”

”
Very funny! This mess.
”

“
Come back down in five minutes and clear it up!
”

“
You
’
re on form tonight, Jemma! Ten minutes! I
’
m getting better!
”

             
“
Come on then, we can even make a bit of noise with the kids not
being here!
”

“
Go easy on the noise or I
’
ll be back down in two minutes!
”

“
OK. Make sure you put your party clothes on as soon as you
’
re
ready to go and put it on properly, not inside out or back to front.
”

“
I
’
m not sixteen!
”

“
I
’
m not saying you are, I
’
m just saying it
’
s an art form you haven
’
t
mastered.
”

“
That reminds me, I went to the Doctor
’
s last night.
”

“
For your check up?
”

“
No, although I need to sort that out soon. I went to book a
vasectomy.
”

“
You
’
re kidding me!
”

“
No, I decided to take the bull by the horns or to take the horn
from the balls!
”

Sometimes, if you spend a couple of years chipping away, the
walls do come down! I was delighted. I knew I did not want any more
children and I knew there would be no pangs of regret, no broodiness,
my childbearing days were over. Pregancy was my second biggest fear
behind death.

“
You brave thing, Mr Billingham! About bloody time!
”

“
I needed to pluck up the courage!
”

“
Well come upstairs and I will make sure that your bravery is
suitably rewarded!
”

I sat on the toilet, with my trousers and my boxer shorts pulled
down to my knees, with my thumb and
my forefinger of my left hand,
placing and maintaining my penis on my left thigh. I just looked at my
scrotum in despair. I cupped my right hand underneath and I shuddered
when I felt it. How could I have missed it? HOW COULD I, OF ALL PEOPLE, HAVE MISSED IT? I felt so stupid. I used to be
so obsessive about checking. I used to drive myself mad wondering if
it all felt the same today as yesterday. Why did I stop doing that? This
could cost me my life, not only that it could cost my wife a husband
and my children a father, just because I had been lazy about checking. Knobhead! I
’
ve already been given a second chance by fate and a third
chance as I survived a fatal car crash. Why did I keep expecting fate to
save me from my own neglect?

I was shaking. I didn
’
t want Jem
ma to see me like this. Things
had settled. We needed some tranquillity in our lives. We did not
need another rollercoaster ride. It was always rollercoaster rides with
us. Someone else should not have been pointing this lump out to me.
I should have been spotting this. For fuck
’
s sake, this was my job to check. A two minute job. No-one was asking me to climb Everest. A simple bathroom routine, that
’
s all it needed to be and I had failed to
see it through. Idiot.

What should I do now? Should I tell Jemma? Last time, I had not
told Kelly, but had that been the right thing to do? Did I regret that?
Probably not, but this time it was different, Jemma hasn
’
t recently killed
anyone. I was going to have to tell her.What will she think? She
’
ll think
I am a fool. I am a fool. It
’
s like crossing the road without looking, you
just don
’
t do it. What an idiot!

What if this time I
’
m not as lucky? What if I die? What will I go
through before I die and what will I go through after? Nothingness.
What is nothingness? Is it possible to
have nothingness? Is there any
existence without a brain and without your senses and without a heart
and lungs? I had always thought not, but could there be any way you
could be aware that you were trapped inside infinite nothingness? Could
there be a God? Should I have heeded his warnings? I was scaring
myself now. What was life like before I was born? I
’
m really not ready
to die. Nowhere near ready. Don
’
t let this happen to me, let me cling on. My children are still babies.

I told myself off,
‘
Stop doing this to yourself
’
. It might be curable, I knew from last time, that in most cases it was. This could just be a wake up call. A warning sign. Another lucky escape. It didn
’
t feel like
it though. If you play Russian Roulette for long enough, you eventually
find the bullet.

Until now, why had I always felt so immortal? I looked at it again. It was still there. Could it not just go away?

Perfection only exists as an image when seen through rose tinted
spectacles. I saw just as much of Kelly before her crash as I did after,
but the defects that had probably always been there, became more
apparent after the crash , once I had made the transition from friend to
‘
boyfriend
’
. I didn
’
t find Kelly
’
s defects abhor
rent, in fact it was quite the
opposite, I found them strangely re-assuring. In a relationship, you want
to be on an even keel, not looking up at someone on their pedestal.
The Richie thing had always been an issue for me. To an extent, I knew I was the understudy, taking the place of the guy who had been
designated the role, but had chosen not to take it up, so I was hoping
Kelly would resolve her issues with Jemma quickly, but without any
desire on either sisters part, for regular contact. At that stage, I still felt
I was punching above my weight and when you feel that way, you don
’
t
want a prize fighter circling the ring.

Several days after Kelly
’
s crash, I had no more holidays to take, so
had come back down to London to return to work at Dillons, whilst
Kelly continued her recuperation in hospital. I did not feel comfortable
leaving her up there on her own. Our relationship had crossed over from
platonic to mildly physical, in that we
had kissed, but I did not have
enough faith in myself or our blossoming relationship, to think that it
would continue to flourish from a couple of hundred miles apart. I was
wrong. We have Alexander Graham B
ell to thank. We spoke to each
other every evening without fail and after seven long days, Kelly told
me excitedly one evening that, all being well, she would be discharged
the following day and would be making her way home to Ealing.

The following evening, about half past six, my phone rang. I knew
it was Kelly. I was ready to pick it up after the first ring, but let it ring
a further half a dozen times, as I didn
’
t want to appear overly anxious.
Once I picked up, the emotion in Kelly
’
s faltering voice automatically
made me assume that our relationship had somehow managed to crash
in those dangerous sixty one seconds after take off.

“
Hello.
”

“
Roddy, it
’
s Kelly, I
’
m home.
”

“
Great. Everything OK?
”

A pregnant pause. I asked again.

“
Kelly, what
’
s the matter? Is everything alright?
”

Another pause.
“
Kelly?
”

“
No, Roddy, everything isn
’
t alright. I
’
ve done something stupid.
”

“
How stupid are we talking?
”

“
Very.
”

“
What was it?
”

“
I don
’
t want to tell you over the phone, Roddy.
”

That did not sound good.

“
Do you want me to come around?
”

“
Yes
…
don
’
t hate me, Roddy, you
’
re all I have left.
”

I wanted to tell Kelly that I couldn
’
t
possibly hate her, that I had
loved her since I had first clapped eyes on her and I would continue to
love her until my spirit died, but masculine pride stood in my way.
“
Depends what you
’
ve done, Kelly!
”

“
We
’
re home!
”

Jemma and Melissa came through the door not looking like they
had had their best ever trip to the cinema. They looked emotionally
drained. Jemma had wanted to accompany me to the surgery for the
vasectomy, but some things a man has to do alone, so she had left Jamie
with my Mum and Dad and taken Melissa to see a special showing of
the
‘
Titanic
’
movie.

“
Was the film good, Melissa?
”

“
It was very sad!
”

I was sat on the settee and Jemma came over and gave me a
sympathetic peck.

“
It was actually a bit too sad,
”
Jemma explained,
“
we weren
’
t
expecting that, were we honey? Both
Mummy and Melissa did a lot of
crying, but I have been trying to expla
in to Melissa on the way home,
that the boy in the film was only pretending. He has not really died.
”