Forever Is Over (54 page)

“
Does the tumour hurt you then, when you touch it?
”

“
How big is the tumour?
”

“
Does Kelly know anything at all about this?
”

“
How will they treat it?
”

Once I had finished the whole tale, Jemma beamed that huge smile
at me again.

“
Well, I must say, Richie, that was not what I was expecting!
”

If she had smiled at all during my whole confessional piece, it would
have seemed more than a little tactless and odd, but having listened
with rapt attention through a detailed monologue from me, with just
the occasional interruption, I think Jemma was now smiling to lift the
sombre mood.

“
I don
’
t suppose you were going to guess I had cancer, but what
were you expecting?
”

“
Honest answer?
”

Of course I wanted the honest answer, I was intrigued to know what
she was expecting to hear.

“
I thought you were going to say you were gay!
”

“
Gay?
”

I smiled at Jemma. I looked at her intently. Jemma avoided eye
contact.

“
Jemma, given that you once accused me of sneaking into a bed with

you and having sex, you are the last person I would expect, to believe
I was gay!
”

“
You did kiss Ray though, didn
’
t you? I thought maybe you were
confused about your sexuality, had decided you could no longer cope
with the guilt and were going to live an open gay life from now on!
”

“
Interesting theory, Jemma. Ludicrous, but interesting!
”

“
It
’
s not that ludicrous! You kissed my boyfriend!
”

“
Yes, but only to piss him off!! He made some sickening comment
about
Liverpool fans deserving to die at Hillsborough, so I kissed him
to piss him off.
”

Jemma shook her head as if she didn
’
t believe me.

“
Ray said
‘
Liverpool fans deserved to die at Hillsborough
’
?
”

“
Well not exactly. He said that it was karma that Liverpool fans
were dying as they had killed a load of Juventus fans at Heysel.
”

“
But he didn
’
t say they deserved to die?
”

I had no idea why Jemma was defending this arsehole! Blind loyalty
was the only possibility.

“
Excuse my language, Jemma, but it was still a fucking thick thing
to say!
”

“
OK. But why did you not just say,
‘
Shut up, dickhead!
’
? Why kiss
him?
”

“
I told you, I did it to piss him off! It worked too! If I
’
d have told him
to shut up, he would have just continued with his incessant wittering
about how fantastic he is. A kiss had more impact. It was a big, sloppy
kiss too! It was impossible to ignore. I just wanted to disgust him, like
he had disgusted me.
”

Despite herself, I could tell Jemma was trying to suppress a smile!

“
Well, you achieved that, but Ray now thinks you fancy him!
”

I chuckled.

“
Good! I
’
ll blow him a kiss next time I see him!
”

Our tone was now most certainly jovial, but Jemma still had
questions she wanted to ask. Questions that could only return the
mood to serious.

“
So, explain to me again, why you haven
’
t told Kelly?
”

“
About the kiss?
”

I wanted the jovial tone to continue.

“
No, you know what I mean. About the cancer. You may not think
much of Ray, but if I had cancer, I would tell him and he would be there
for me. I know for a fact, Kelly would be there for you too, so why not
tell her?
”

“
What would it have achieved?
”

“
It would have been less of burden for you. A problem shared is a
problem halved and all that.
”

“
Yes, but Kelly was already burdened by her own problems. Jemma,
you and Kelly have been through so much recently, I didn
’
t want to
weigh Kelly down with even more problems.
”

“
Why did you not tell her before Vomit Breath died?
”

Ray was honest about one thing. Jemma did refer to her mother as
‘
Vomit Breath
’
!

“
I didn
’
t see the point. It could have been something and nothing.
Most lumps in the scrotum don
’
t turn out to be cancerous.
”

             
“
And you were embarrassed.
”

“
Yes, that too!
”

“
Well, just say that then! You don
’
t have to lie to me, Richie. I
’
m your friend.
”

That sounded strange. Jemma Watkinson was now officially my friend.

Jemma may now have classed herself as my friend, but one thing
I was still not comfortable telling her about, was the fact that I knew
how
‘
Vomit Breath
’
had met her maker. I did not want to tell Jemma
that I knew Kelly had pushed their mother down the stairs. I suspected
Jemma thought that would remain a secret between her and Kelly until
their dying day. Presumably, she would have been horrified to know that
Kelly had confessed all to me.

“
Are you scared?
”

I was ill prepared for this question, as my mind was still picturing the scene at Jemma and Kelly
’
s house that night, when their mother
returned home.

“
Of what?
”

“
Dying.
”

Jemma was nothing, if she was not blunt.

“
I
’
m not expecting to die, Jemma. I
’
m expecting to have treatment,
chemotherapy, radiotherapy, whatever it takes, but I
’
m expecting to
come through this.
”

“
Will you lose your hair?
”

“
I don
’
t know yet. I
’
ve got appointments with a urologist and an
oncologist. I expect I
’
ll find out after I
’
ve seen them.
”

“
What
’
s an oncologist?
”

“
Someone who deals with people with cancer. People like me.
”

It was that final sentence that started me up again.
‘
People like me
’
. The conversation continued, but my insides suddenly felt very
vulnerable. I was shaking inside.

“
So, how are you going to keep it from Kelly when you turn up at
our house looking like you
’
ve stuck half your arse on your head?
”

             
“
If that
’
s going to happen, I
’
ll tell her before it does, Jemma.
”

             
“
You have to tell her now, Richie! It
’
s not fair keeping something
like this from her. Kelly loves you.
”

Here we go again! Tears welled up. I was on an emotional tightrope
anyway and the
‘
Kelly loves you
’
statement felt like an electric prod.

“
I will tell her. At some point, I will tell her. I just need to find the
right time. Kelly means everything to me, Jemma. Everything. I
’
m not
keeping this from her for any other reason than because I love her. I
want to protect her from this for as long as I can. She
’
s just a young girl,
Jemma. She
’
s just lost her mother, she doesn
’
t need to be worrying about
whether she
’
s going to lose me as well.
”

“
Richie, you
’
re wrong! She does need to worry about this too,
because it
’
s happening.
Like it or not, Richie, it
’
s happening. You must tell her.
”

By this time, I was ready to just curl myself into a ball and sob
uncontrollably! I know Jemma was just looking after Kelly
’
s interests,
but I was too. Kelly
’
s and my own, anyway. I did not feel emotionally
strong and if Kelly needed to lean on me, I didn
’
t think I had the
strength to prop her up.

“
I can
’
t
,
this thing is destroying me, Jemma. I won
’
t let it destroy
Kelly, too.
”

The tears started. I reverted to sobbing like a new born baby with
a needle
in his nappy! Crying
my heart out. I think Jemma felt guilty
for steering us towards an emotional blub-bath and tried to comfort me
as best she could. She spoke soothingly as she gave me a sympathetic
cuddle.

“
Come on Richie! Don
’
t cry! It sounds like you
’
ve been so strong
through this so far! You
’
ve just got to keep it going. Keep battling. You
were right when you said this lump is not going to beat you. You
’
ll
conquer this. I know you will
. C
ome on now, don
’
t cry!
”

When you are in emotional turmoil, someone being kindhearted
does not stem the flow of tears, it just makes them flow more. I felt like
a radiator that was being bled, I filled up, full of water inside and then
whoosh, it all became too much and it sprayed out everywhere. As the
tears trickled down my face, Jemma gave me a few re-assuring pecks on
the cheeks. Everything unkind I had ever said about Jemma Watkinson
was now wiped clean from the slate. She had been brilliant to me this
afternoon and I would always be grateful for that. I was thinking about
my gratitude to her when Jemma cried out.

“
Kelly!
”

I didn
’
t even think how this must have looked to Kelly. Here I was,
caught in a clinch with Jemma. That did not cross my mind at all. All I
could think about was that my tears were a give away. Try as I might to protect her, Kelly was now going to find out that I had testicular cancer.
Jemma, probably understanding better than I did how this must have
looked to Kelly, tried to cajole me into a confession.

“
Richie. Tell Kelly what
’
s happened. She needs to know.
”