Forever & More: The Friend Zone series (14 page)

My eyes begin to feel heavy, so I rest my journal and pen in my lap and close my eyes. I immediately drift off to sleep. For the first time since I can remember, my dreams aren’t plagued by my mother’s hateful words, Todd’s vicious attack, Tom’s death, or the twisted world my mind usually pulls me into. Instead, I’m pulled into a life I hope to someday have. I’m in a field of lavender under the only tree I can see. A small, dark curly haired little girl in a soft, yellow sundress sits in a swing that hangs from the large tree with her back to me. I watch her soft waves float on the wind in her swinging motion, and her childish giggles fill the air.

My heart fills with so much love that it feels as if it’s going to explode. She turns in her seat and looks at me. Her eyes are the color of emeralds. I reach out and push the swing so that she goes higher. Her laugh is contagious. Our laughs mingle and float away like the seeds of a dandelion. Her happiness is my own.

I don’t care who you’ll someday be

All I know is you’re a part of me

Daddy will love you till forever and more, this much is true

Those big blue eyes I’ll know the real you

I’ll take away your fears, I’ll make your eyes smile

I’m gonna have your back until my final hour

Daddy will love you till forever, this much is true

Those big blue eyes, I will see the real you

Please be blessed with your momma’s strawberry hair

and her big bright smile

Her beautiful heart and her wits and smarts

Daddy will love you till forever and more, this much is true

Daddy will always love you

The hardest thing I have ever done is walk out of that room, away from my kid, and away from Chloe. I know what I said, but there is that nagging little voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me that she didn’t know. The voice whispers that I was wrong about everything, and made a huge mistake. If I have, I don’t know how I will ever forgive myself.

I walk behind Sara and wheel her the rest of the way down the hall into the small waiting room. The moment we walk into the room, Harley stands to greet us.

“How is she?” He rushes the words out of his mouth.

“Momma and peanut are doing great,” Sara answers for me. My eyebrows jump toward the ceiling at the mention of her nickname for the baby.

“You okay there, pops. You look like you just found out you had unprotected sex and are expecting.” I don’t know why I’m surprised at Sara’s elegant choice of words, but she still catches me off guard at times. I only respond with a chuckle.

My phone rings and I look at my phone. Detective Sanders’ name is on the screen. My stomach drops to the floor. As much as I would like to, I know I can’t ignore his call.

“Hello?” I answer.

“Skye, this is D—”

“Yes, I know it’s you, detective,” I interrupt him. He’s silent for a moment.

“I just wanted to let you know that the state is rushing Todd’s trial. It’s tomorrow at nine a.m. Is there any way that Chloe will be able to testify?”

“No,” I say a little too venomously.

“Well, what about you? The prosecution needs a testimony to help seal the deal. They feel they can pull it off without one, but with an eyewitness account of the incident, it will cement the case.”

I think about it before I answer him. Chloe wouldn’t be considered stable enough to relay her accounts of the attack anyway.

“What time do I need to be there?” I ask.

“Can you meet with the prosecution at seven in the morning? That will give them time to run through everything before you go on the stand. This may be an all-day event.”

I don’t hesitate before answering. “I’ll be there.”

“Great! I will let the DA know.”

I hang up the phone. When I turn to go into the waiting room, I find Sara and Harley in the doorway, staring at me with questioning gazes.

“What was that about?” Sara asks.

“I’m taking Chloe’s place on the stand tomorrow.” I then relay all the information the detective gave me.

“Shit,” is Harley’s response.

We find a seat in the empty, sterile room. I dig through my phone and search parenting sites. There’re all kinds of stuff on these sites, everything from dry scalp remedies to diaper rash creams. Who knew there would be so much stuff involved in taking care of a kid? I always thought that if you fed them, played with them, gave them baths, and changed their diapers, everything was smooth sailing.

Hell, according to this magazine, you have to do everything a certain way or it can harm them.

“What’s wrong?” Sara’s voice fills the otherwise silent room.

“I have no clue what I’m going to do with a kid.”

She chuckles at my statement. “I don’t think anyone ever does until the kid gets here.” Her tone goes from amusement to serious.

“Hell, I don’t even know what a diaper looks like, let alone how to change one,” I say and she cracks up.

“You seriously have never seen a diaper? I find that hard to believe.” Why doesn’t she sound like she believes me? I don’t have any sisters that had baby dolls to play with. I had no baby cousins or anyone young enough to be in diapers to see them.

“Oh shit, you’re serious?” she laughs! Her eyes light up in amusement.

“Do you know how to change a diaper?” I was sure she had seen them but never actually changed one.

“Actually, I have an uncle that I used to babysit for, so yeah, I’ve changed a diaper before.” Her tone is so matter of fact and I can tell she is enjoying rubbing it in. She starts laughing so hard that tears are springing from her eyes.

“You’re going to end up like my uncle!” She points and laughs harder.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Harley questions.

“When he and my aunt split up, Jason was probably a little over a year old, I was fourteen. It was my uncle’s first weekend alone with the baby. I just got home from school when the phone rang. I answered and my uncle was cussing like crazy.” She pauses, trying to catch her breath.

“He said, ‘There’s shit everywhere. Get over here now!’ So I ran the block to his house. When I got there, I just walked inside, and he wasn’t lying. There was shit on the wall, all over the crib. The poor kid and his teddy bear were covered. My uncle looked like he was the main target. Apparently you can’t give a kid grape and apple juice without watering it down or limiting their intake. He didn’t and my cousin exploded while my uncle was mastering a pee diaper. Then my cousin stuck his hand in it and smeared it everywhere. It was so gross!” She finishes her story but continues to laugh.

Harley and I, however, find this horrifying. All I can picture is that kid off of the Gerber commercials with an exploding ass! How the hell am I going to do this, I’m not ready! Sara notices my look of panic and reaches out, grabbing my arm.

“Shit happens, Skye. You’re going to be a great dad.” She gives me a soft smile and winks. I don’t know if the pun was intended, but it wasn’t lost on me, so I couldn’t appreciate the moment like I should have. It’s not every day Sara offers compliments like that, but regardless, I would take it for what it was.

“Thanks.” I return her smile.

I can’t keep sitting in this damn chair, so I get up and pace the room. There is no way I can sit in here and do nothing for God knows how long. Harley’s ability to read me has always amazed me. Most of the time, he can tell what I’m thinking before I even know, and today, I appreciate his perceptive skills.

His head leans to the right, and when I follow the direction of his nod, I see my guitar resting against the wall. I head straight to it. I don’t bother going back across the room, I sit in the seat closest to me and immediately begin strumming the strings randomly. I play with the chords for close to thirty minutes. A new melody is slowly coming to life and for some reason, I’m stoked about it.

I can hear voices rise above my guitar and when I look up, I see the nurse that was in Chloe’s room earlier walking down the hall. I grab my guitar and head toward the hallway. I’m getting closer to the nurse when I see Doctor Jacobs at the nurses’ station.

“Hey, are y’all done?” I ask.

“We are. With everything going on, I don’t think I’ve asked how you were holding up. How are you?” he inquires.

“I’m okay. Is the baby really okay?” I’m scared to ask, but I have to. My biggest fear in this moment is that something has or will happen and I will lose my little peanut.

“The baby is perfectly healthy. It’s a miracle it made it through all her stress and then the situation with the meds and alcohol. The kid is definitely tough.”

“Thank God,” I breathe in relief. “Can I go in and sit? I won’t bother her; I just need to be near my kid and out of that waiting room.”

He studies me for a moment before granting my request. As soon as the word “okay” left his lips, I was down the hall in a flash.

When I get to Chloe’s room, she’s asleep. I’m thankful because I don’t think I can look in her eyes right now. Chloe’s bag is sitting beside me on the floor against the wall. The nurse or Sara must have brought it in. I dig until my hand touches what I’m looking for. I know this is a huge invasion of her privacy but right now I don’t care. Someone needs to invade her mind and figure out what’s going on up there.

I scan to the back of the book until I get to the last page. Before I start reading, I look up at her peaceful face. Her pouty lips are redder than usual and I lick my lips, desperately wanting to touch hers with mine. She smiles slightly and I have to turn away from her. The urge to touch her is growing stronger by the second, and if I don’t separate myself, I’m going to give in to the temptation.

I give my attention to the book in my hands. The fifth to the last page is a short, simple cry of desperation.

They don’t understand and they never will. How do I cut through the ropes of despair when the blades of hope are dull?

I flip the page.

Lord, help me. Give me hope. I just need one tiny spark of happiness to flicker within me to set the rest of me ablaze. How am I supposed to make him happy if I struggle to do the same for myself? How is my heart supposed to be filled with love for someone else when it’s black from deceit? Will it ever end? Will I ever find my happy ending? I found my prince, but as soon as I found him, I was poisoned. I always did want to be like Snow White. Can I be cured with a kiss from my true love? That would be just too easy, wouldn’t it?

Jesus, how the hell did I miss all of this? I knew she was hurting, but I never knew how much. I glance at Chloe’s still smiling face. I set her book next to her on the stand for her to see. I feel like she may need this right now.

I grab my guitar and begin playing “Hush Little Baby.” I sing as soft as possible to my little peanut. I can’t help but wonder if it can hear me. I hate calling my child it; I wonder when we can find out the sex. I need to make sure I ask the next time I see Doctor Jacobs. I near the end of the song and notice Chloe begin to squirm. I don’t want to disturb her so I quickly finish the song and grab my guitar.

Once everything is in hand, I exit the room. I felt her gaze on me as I walked out of the door, but maybe she’ll be able to drift back off. When the wall separates us, I lean against it and let out a heavy sigh. My heart is breaking for her, for my child, and for us as a family. Family, wow that word feels so odd circling around in my mind. My eyes flood with tears, and I slide down the wall until my head’s tucked between my knees.

I cry, attempting to drain the sadness that’s crept into my heart. I feel empty without her by my side. I feel lost without her love. Have I lost it for good? I don’t want to be without her for one second, but how can I be with someone who’s tried to kill a part of me? Can’t she see that this isn’t just about the kid? She’s a part of me, she was the best part of me, and she tried to take that away.

I sit on the cold, hard floor for so long that my ass starts tingling. Someone drops down to my level, placing their hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay?” I look up to see Doctor Cox squatting next to me.

With my sleeve, I wipe the tiny drops from my cheeks and nod. She gives me a sad smile before saying, “You don’t have to always be so strong. You’re doing the right thing, you know.” I look at her in confusion, so she clarifies her statement. “You’re making Chloe do this herself. You’re not petting her, which is forcing her to face her demons. You’re doing the right thing, Skye.”

I don’t respond as she checks her watch and stands. She reaches into her pocket and hands me a white card. “She’s not the only one affected by this situation. If you need to talk, you have my number.” She walks into Chloe’s room, leaving me to think over what she just said.

Have I been petting Chloe? Hell yes. I’ve been enabling her behavior. So is part of this my fault as well? Shit, I don’t know. I run my hands over my face, trying to alleviate some of the stress. I sit back and rest my head against the wall. I stare at the other side of the hallway with my mind in a far off place and numb to my surroundings.

I eventually hear Chloe’s door open and shut. Lazily, I turn my head in the direction of the door to see Doctor Cox exiting Chloe’s room. I sit up a little straighter.