Forget Me Not (31 page)

In my head I’m reminded of all the reasons that I should leave this second. His faults are advertised like billboards across my psyche, but I’m losing the strength to fight. Whether his words speak sense or not, being in his company, smelling his scent and feeling his power around my hands, is enough to cause me to hand my soul over to him for the third time and sign on the dotted line.

This is dangerous. I can’t fall again.

“You said you didn’t want me, Jesse. Everything was a lie. I can’t keep going through this. How can I ever trust you again?”

“I only said I didn’t want you because I needed you to go. I
honestly believed you’d be happier without me.”
              “Do you still believe that?”

“Yes,” he admits. “But I’m too selfish to allow it.”

I shake my head in frustration. “How could you think I’d be happier without you? Have I not shown you what you mean to me? Have I not told you every day that I love you?”

“I know. I accept your love,
and I return it a million times…”
              “But?” 

“But…Benjamin. I know that he’d be happier with his real dad, not a wannabe…” I cut him off, my fingers hovering over his parted mouth, but I can’t bring myself to touch them.

“Benji has been lost without you. He mentions you every day, several times a day. He doesn’t care who his real dad is. You’re so important to him. He doesn’t need your name on his birth certificate to tell him that. I know that Sebastian being around is going to be confusing for him, but that’s all the more reason for you to be there. Be the permanent in his life. Can’t we all just be thankful that Benji is lucky enough to have so many people around to love him?”

Steely blue eyes gloss over with unshed tears and to witness his pain is my undoing. I allow countless day’s worth of my own tears to cascade down my cheeks. Upon seeing this, Jesse pulls me into a much needed embrace. One hand pins my lower back close to him and the other supports my head against his firm chest. My own fingers tug at his shirt and claw at his skin, rejoicing at the feel of him beneath my touch again.

“I couldn’t bear the thought of him living through what I did, hating me the way that I hated Dale,” he sniffs.

“I know, I know. But it’s just stupid to compare the two. Do you see that? He loves you. We love you. I love you, so much. Can’t you see that?”

He nods into my hair and holds me impossibly close. I feel partially suffocated but I daren’t tell him. I’ve waited for what feels like a lifetime to be in these arms once more.

“I love you both, too. I love you, so much.”

We enjoy a shared silence. Our tender embrace remains as we reacquaint ourselves with how it feels to be in each other’s arms. I allow his warmth to cleanse my mind, ridding all questions bar one.

“What made you change your mind?” I whisper into his chest.

“You fought for me. More than anyone ever has.”

“But you still told me to go.”

“I was drunk. Unbelievably drunk. Drunk on booze, drunk on misery. I think I’ve actually been drunk the entire time.”

I nod in understanding. Been there.

“I can’t believe I was such an ass to you, Mickey. I was convinced I was doing the right thing, and then you left and the hurt on your face…you hated me. It killed me to see that I’d made you hate me. But, maybe it was what I needed. I will never again make you hate me. I promise.” He pulls away to look me in the eyes and implant his pledge deep within my gut.

I resist, mildly. “I don’t know if I can believe you. I want to…but promises have already been broken.” I stroke the stubble that dusts his jaw. I don’t mean for my words to be painful, but he has to know that I can’t just believe him simply because he has said to do so. “You said you’d never leave me, but you did. You could leave me again. The moment things get a little intense you run away. I need stability, Jesse. Not just for me, but for Benji. I have to work out whether the threat of you leaving me again is worth more grief.”

Just the thought of being without these strong arms once again opens the door to my depression and I have to swallow through the sobs that loiter in my throat.

“I won’t ever leave you. You have no reason to believe me, I know. Not yet. I have a lifetime of making up to do, but I’d really appreciate the chance to try. Please let me try,” he begs. Sensing my weakness, he mirrors my hand against his face and coerces me closer. His lips linger over mine as he requests permission to kiss me. I look into his burning eyes and the connection between us ignites once more. How can I possibly refuse?

His mouth is tender as it embraces mine, as if he fears for my fragility. Our lips are wet from tears that still course down my blushed cheeks and I can taste the salt. Salt and Jesse. I’ve missed him so much. And, he no longer tastes like tobacco and booze, but of memories, so many memories. His hands continue to cup my face, holding me firm so that I can never pull away. I won’t. I can’t. He is the flight risk, not me. I am powerless to his ability to control me, to control my senses. I am weightless in response to him, floating within his grasp, until he lets go and smiles a big smile. I completely relax in its authenticity.

Dropping his hands to find mine, he steps back a little. Eyeing me up and down regarding me worriedly. “You’re too skinny. You haven’t been eating breakfast.” He tries for lighthearted but his concern is evident.

“I haven’t eaten much at all. I’ve drunk quite a bit though.” I smile sweetly but his brow furrows.

“Have you drunk a lot tonight?”

“Just one. Why?” I reply, feeling defensive all of a sudden.

“Because I want to know that what is about to happen is going to be remembered, and that any decisions you make tonight aren’t because you’re inebriated.”

I squint slightly, regarding him inquisitively. “What’s about to happen?”

“Come with me.” He orders and guides me down the road to which he came from.

I notice the smell before I notice anything else. If I were without sight I would assume I was walking towards a wild meadow rather than a rickety old footbridge. The air is filled with a sweet perfume and it has a heady effect on me. Jesse is smiling nervously as he leads me off the parking lot and onto the wooden slats of the bridge.

The floor is a long carpet of lilac petals that hide the sound of our footsteps as Jesse guides me into the arched centre. The bridge has been transformed into a fantastical, romantic haven. A rich chorus of blues and purples dance across the entire structure, transforming it into something akin to a Midsummer Night’s Dream back-drop. Floral ropes entwine themselves around the wooden posts and further blooms sit on top of the fencing. Between each arrangement are flickering lanterns that assist in the stars objective to cast light on this most precious scene. Each light reflects a million times over in the waltzing water below, creating a surreal aspect to the night.

I am literally stood within an explosion of flowers. No, to describe them as an explosion gives the impression that they’ve been scattered chaotically. The wonder that is before me has been meticulously, lovingly and artistically laid.

As if this bridge didn’t hold enough sentimentality, it is now weighed down with the magnitude of this gesture. He needn’t have gone through so much trouble, especially when I have already agreed to give us another chance. Is he trying to remind me of our history? Does he really think I could forget everything that binds us together? This bridge is the perfect metaphor for our relationship, both then and now. A transition between two places. A connection between two people. It’s representative of a journey. A journey of which I believe we have explored the worst. Has he brought me here because he understands that too?

Playing softly in the background is our song. From where, I don’t know, but as Alex Band of The Calling croons his way through the significant words I brace myself for what has the potential to be another life changing night.

Jesse watches me intently, stood a little away from me as he allows me to take in this spectacle. His eyes scan me in anticipation of a response, but I am stunned into silence. All I can do is look right back at him and smile. My eyes are once again filled with tears, but for the first time, in a very long while, they fall from happiness rather than sorrow.

Tonight has seen me through several seasons of emotions. I have gone from thinking that my life was all but over to wondering if it ever really began. I’ve never appreciated overtly romantic gestures. I prefer to dwell on the little things. But, this is a moment full of a million little things. I’m overwhelmed by it all, by his return, by his promises, and now this.

Unable to cry anymore, I offer a bellowing laugh that echoes richly in the silent night around us. It escapes my lips unpredicted and my hands fly to my mouth in an attempt to curtail the noise.

Jesse steps closer, his hands behind his back and a grin teasing his lips. He stops in front of me and chuckles confusedly with my continuing giggles. “What’s so funny? Funny wasn’t exactly my intention.”

“You are! This is crazy!” I manage as my laughter lessens to a light chuckle.

“I
have
been crazy. Believe me when I say that my first few ideas were even more extravagant, and some actually dangerous.”

I laugh again, totally believing him.

“You’re breathtaking. Just stunning,” he croons, stepping closer still and kissing me sweetly on the cheek.

“Compared to all of this? Are you blind?” I scoff. “I should be dressed in some gorgeous, bohemian dress, not my skinny’s and boots.”

“I love your skinny’s and boots. You look amazing, especially when you laugh.”

“Carry on like that and you’ll leave me no other choice but to get you mentally assessed. How did you even do this?”

“With great difficulty and a lot of help.” He shrugs.

“Why so much effort? I don’t need all of this fanciness, Jesse, just a promise that I can believe in.”

“And that’s
exactly
what this is about,” he replies, his voice low and brimming with intent. From behind his back he reveals more flowers; a thin sprig of colorful forget-me-nots. They’re tied together with silver string, looking perfectly dainty and sweet. I love the gesture and it’s evident in my teary smile. I take them from him, blushing lightly at the focus that now falls on me. I finger the tiny petals, barely able to feel them they are so delicate. As I toy with the ribbon I feel something hard encased in the knot. I glance instinctively. Within the loop of the bow I find a silver ring. Grasping it between my fingers I turn it over, still imagining that it’s some kind of decoration.

Jesse introduces his own trembling fingers into the inspection. He unties the elaborate bow and catches the silver ring as it slides free. He hands it to me and I stare in awe. It’s so shiny, almost white with shine. I have no silver that looks this good. Because…it’s not silver, it dawns on me that it’s platinum. A simple band lends itself to the bloom that sits on top. A huge diamond is embedded into a nest of intricate platinum leaves. The rich detail is unlike anything I have ever seen before. It’s unique. This isn’t a regular ring. This is a…

When my eyes manage to escape the allure of the ring I look at Jesse. He’s kneeling on the floor beside me, his eyes honed in on mine and his hand requesting my own, which I give him, immediately. My stomach drops in anticipation and my heart pounds madly in preparation for what it is about to endure.

“Third time lucky, huh?” he jokes, but he doesn’t smile. He’s far too intense to smile. “But, this time it’s official. You have the ring, along with my promise, my love, and my heart. You own me in every way.” He takes the ring from my grasp and teases the tip of my finger. “I’ve made you and Benji promises before and broken them. I know this. But if you can find it in your heart to agree to be my wife and allow me to be a part of your family once more, then I can begin a lifetimes worth of making it up to you both.”

My throat is tight and my mouth bone dry. “Stand up, Jesse.” He stands quickly and his face creases with calculated concern. He still holds the ring at the apex of my finger. “I don’t want you to be sorry for the rest of your life. I don’t want you to make anything up to me. You’re sorry now and that’s enough. I want no other promise except that you won’t ever leave me again”

“I promise you, there is nothing in this world that could make me leave you again. I love you, sweets.” His blue eyes are dark and penetrating as they fill with sincerity.

The aching tightness in my throat breaks. “Then, yes. Yes,” I manage before my sobs turn to laughter once again. He laughs with me as he glides the ring onto my finger, where it will remain for eternity.

Epilogue

Jesse

             
My chest is tight and my stomach is heavy as I watch Mickey nurse baby Madeline. She rocks her gently back and forth and sings softly into her tiny ear. I’m completely mesmerized, experiencing something I’ve never felt before. Something I can’t even put a name to. It’s like I miss her, even when she’s sat right there. Or maybe I want to protect her, but from what? No, it’s probably just Mickey. I’m horny, that’s all. I’m always fucking horny.

I hope Mickey doesn’t look up. If she does she’s going to think I’ve gone mad. Madder. But, I can’t look away. Mickey looks amazing. She was obviously born to be a mother. It just…fits. I’ve never seen her look as content as when she sniffs at Madeline’s head.

She looks up, finally witnessing my mindless staring. Shit. I’m about to make a joke about it when she smiles warmly and that indescribable feeling from moments ago swells.

“C’ mere,” she whispers softly for the baby’s benefit.

I oblige, walking over and sitting next to her on the couch, unashamedly grinning at this stunning woman. Adjusting Madeline into the nook of her arm, she leans over and places her in mine. I’m terrified.  She’s so small, like, really small. She looks perfect, her features like a doll, dressed head to toe in pink, one of the many outfits that we’ve bought her.

She’s going to be so loved, so spoilt by her family and extended family. But, I guess she can’t appreciate this right now, so she squirms. It has to be me. She senses my fear or I smell funny or something.

“She likes being upright,” Mickey explains, altering my positioning of Madeline until she is cradled against my shoulder. I can smell her. It’s like nothing I’ve ever smelt before.

Mickey leans against my other shoulder, unable to pry herself away from the baby for too long. She’s smitten. Hell, I’m smitten.

Madeline’s breathing catches as she begins to squirm some more, so I rock her gently in my arms, trying to pull off what I saw Mickey doing just a minute ago. It doesn’t work, and before long she’s crying. It’s a piercing sound and I immediately feel panicked.

“I think it’s time for Madeline’s dinner,” Emma calls from behind us before relieving me of Madeline’s hunger cries. She sits with her on an armchair opposite us and discreetly breastfeeds her new baby. Tom hovers over them both, talking quietly. They look so happy.

When Madeline settles for a nap and Benji and Lily disappear to play in the garden, Mickey shows Emma our honeymoon snaps. I insisted on two honeymoons, knowing that we couldn’t leave Benji out when he was such an important part of our coming together. We spent ten days in Florida with him, exhausting ourselves with endless amusement parks and attractions before leaving him with Mickey’s parents to recuperate for a week in Hawaii.

The vacations were just as perfect as the wedding. Mickey insisted on a simple affair, staging our nuptials at Starling’s local church, but I was able to spoil her with the accessories. She walked the aisle in a designer dress and was swamped in jewels of her favorite color, purple. Her hair was perfectly styled and her face expertly made up, and she carried a bouquet of forget-me-nots. Mickey’s always been the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, but that day, she was something else. Watching her walking down the aisle to become my wife was a holy experience. She is the only faith I need.

After the church service we were blessed on the sand dunes. Just myself, Mickey and Benji in attendance as we all made further promises to each other. Promises that were just as important as our vows, perhaps more so.

It’s been almost a month since that day but we’re still in honeymoon time. I can’t keep my hands off of her and she’s friskier than ever. After these strange feelings today, I can’t wait to get her into the privacy of our home.

As if reading my thoughts she looks up from the photo album. Her warm brown eyes ooze with love and I can’t help but lean down to kiss her on the cheek. She knows I’m trying to be respectful in front of Emma and Tom. I know she knows because she smiles sweetly and squeezes my ass. She’s wicked.

We leave after a long day of welcoming baby Madeline into the world, but even when we return home, she isn’t far from my thoughts. Benji settles himself to sleep so Mickey and I are able to share a bottle of wine. Good wine. Not the cheap crap she used to get.

She’s trying to watch some boring soap on the TV but she’s not really paying attention. We’re lying on opposite ends of the couch with our legs tangled and a sleeping Bruce between us, his soft fur warming our feet and I’m watching her idly finger the rim of her glass.

She catches me staring at her and looks at me accusingly. “Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something on my face?”

I chuckle but shake my head. “No, I’m just appreciating you.” She hums disbelievingly. “Actually, sweets, I need to talk to you about something.”

“Actually, I do to.”

“Really?”

Adjusting ourselves, we both sit up and put down our wine. Bruce saunters off shooting us an annoyed look. Mickey sits Indian style in front of me. She looks pretty nervous, but she’s still glowing like she has done all day. Glowing.

Glowing…?

“Are you pregnant?” I ask, speaking as I think.

“What? No!”

I sigh, but not with relief. Quite the opposite, actually.

“If I were, would that be a problem?” she asks. The dejected look on her face makes me want to punch myself. She must think…

“No, of course it wouldn’t be a problem. That’s really what I wanted to talk to you about…”

“Because if it’s a problem then we kind of have a problem. I know we should have talked about it before we got married, but I guess I just thought it was implied when I became your wife.” She’s staring down at her fiddling fingers as she rambles on and on without bothering to take a breath. “I want another child. There, I’ve said it. I love Benji and I want to love more. I know you have all these issues, but you’re so great with Benji and I have no doubts in my mind that you would be great with a baby.”

“Sweets…”

“And, I’m not saying that we have to start trying immediately, I know that you’ll need to get used to the idea, but now that I’m comfortable in my career, I feel like I could finally be able to take the time off, and…”

“Baby, stop.”

She doesn’t stop talking, I knew she wouldn’t, making me put my fingers over her hyperactive lips.

“Why are you so nervous, Mickey?”

“I’m not nervous,” she stubbornly denies.

“You’re rambling.”

Screwing up her cute nose, she shrugs. “Okay, I’m nervous. I’m nervous because I am asking you to be a father to my child after, what…? Seven months? I can see that it’s ludicrous from an outside perspective, but I’ve imagined carrying your child since we were at school.” She stops abruptly and then covers her blushing face as if she’s just told me something awful.

“Stop it. Stop being so embarrassed,” I order, removing her hand from her face and bringing it to my lips. I love the feel of her soft skin against my mouth. It’s like my own little stress ball, an instant relief. For her too, I think.

“Mickey, do you think I haven’t already thought about it? I see you come alive with Benji every day. I’d love to be able to give that to you again.”

“Are you just saying that because you know that it’s what I want to hear? I know what you’re like, Jesse. You’d do or say anything if you thought it would make me happy.”

“I’m not agreeing with you to make you happy, sweets. I love you, and Benji. You’re my little family and I want to expand it. I don’t know, seeing you with Madeline just helped me to see that I can’t wait any longer. I want to do this now.”

There’s so much more I want to say. I want to tell her how the thought of her round with my child would once have filled me with dread, but lately, it’s all I can think about. My desire to try for a baby is only there because of her love for me, and mine for her. I never imagined anyone could love me enough to want to carry my child, and I definitely didn’t think that I could feel detached enough from my upbringing to want it too. It’s with Mickey’s understanding and patience that I’ve been able to explore the events that closed me off for so much of my adult life. And, I’m never going to be able to thank her enough.

I should tell her how much I love Benji and how much he has taught me about being a dad. He’s the reason I’m able to even conceive a future where I could have a child. I’m able to spoil him, educate him, and discipline him, and what’s more, he lets me, and it somehow feels inconceivably natural. I curse myself everyday for not being there from the start, for not being his biological father, but there’s no love lost on technicalities. The way that he’s accepted me into his life, even with the growing bond he’s establishing with his real dad, is remarkable. That child has bags of love to give.

             
I’d like to explain that with the help of her family and the extent of their forgiveness and support I can finally feel like I belong somewhere. I hid away for so long, turning myself into someone I’m not because I didn’t have anyone to ground me. Now, I do. And while I still enjoy my work and I’m proud of everything I’ve accomplished, I’m happy to take a step back and enjoy the basic aspects of life that I’ve never before been able to. I’ve been welcomed into Julia and Graham’s home as if I’d never left. Even Joanna and I have wiped the slate. With people like this to teach me how to lead a family, I can’t go wrong. I hope.

             
I want to tell her all of this, right now, this second, but I don’t get chance. She lunges for me, pressing her full lips against mine and wrapping her hands tight around my neck. I have to be quick to catch her, but I do. She’s fucking ravenous. She opens her eyes, focusing her heavy browns on me, and I know exactly what she wants. Me.

             
Unable to deny her, I wrap her in my arms, her legs instinctively curling around my waist and bringing her tight against my dick. As if it needs any encouragement. I’ve been hard all night. Shit, I’m hard all the time. It’s like being a goddamn teenager again.

She weighs nothing as I lift us both from the couch, making it easy to carry her up the long twisting stairs to our newly refurbished bedroom in our newly restored house. The journey is almost painful as she continues to tease me and I fight to hold off my release. She’s relentless, tightening her hold around my waist so that she rubs temptingly against me. It’ll be her fault if the shows over too soon.

Her lips linger at my neck as her fingers dig into my back. She’s so fucking up for this. I know exactly how she wants this, exactly how she needs it, which is why I’m working my damn hardest not to have her quickly against the wall. She’s lucky that I’ve learnt to exercise some self control in the several months that I’ve lived with her and Benji. It’s the hardest part of being responsible, but I’m learning to appreciate delayed gratification. That’s what I’m telling myself at least.

Somehow I manage to make it to our bedroom. When I open the door she immediately tries to get down, but I hold her firm, enveloping her lips with mine. I carry her to the bed and lower her as gently as my urgency will let me. She’s so small that I can easily manipulate her body and it leaves me feeling both powerful and also constantly on edge. I’m so afraid of hurting her.

Mickey is swamped in a bluish light from the window. It’s the moon through our open curtains, making her beauty somehow ethereal. She quickly removes her shirt and rushes to undo her jeans, but I reach for her hands, slowing her down so I can appreciate the show. I bend down, lingering at the button of her jeans, kissing her smooth stomach and nibbling teasingly. She squirms impatiently and I can’t help but smile as I eventually tug off her jeans.

Lying there on the bed, cast in the sweet light, I can fully appreciate her flawlessness. Even the things that Mickey conceives as imperfect, her rounded hips and heavy breasts are beyond any beauty I’ve ever seen. And those barely there stretch marks that I know upset her. Like I haven’t seen stretch marks before. The only place I haven’t seen stretch marks are in the media. I wish she’d realize how insignificant they are. I mentally make a promise to both of us that I will worship her body daily, hourly, until she finally accepts her magnificence. I think I’ll start now.

Hovering over her, I unclasp the front fastening of her bra, nuzzling between her breasts as she finishes the job of removing it. I trail my lips down her stomach until I get to her panties. At the faint smell of her wetness I almost come undone right there. I quickly sit up, not wanting to end the party so soon. She raises her hips as I remove them and when I finally manage to tear myself away from admiring her moist lips I’m met with her big doe eyes. They’re calling to me, pleading with me to hurry up. I won’t.

I pull away from her magnetism, needing to undress too. She watches me greedily as I lift my shirt over my head, allowing her eyes to appreciate my hard-earned abs. I almost want to give her a full-on striptease, but I don’t think either of us have the patience. So, I remove my pants and drop my boxers to the floor. Her eyes unashamedly linger at my length as it springs free. She’s practically salivating. She’s hungry? No, I haven’t got the endurance for that. 

Watching her growing more and more turned on gives me so much satisfaction. She gets so excited by me and the feeling is more than mutual. Knowing that I’m married to this amazing woman overwhelms me with gratitude.