Forgetting August (Lost & Found) (28 page)

Looking up, I caught the curious eye of the attendant and a few nosy customers. “I don’t want to make a scene,” I said into her ear. “If I just give him what he wants, he’ll be in and out and it will be over.”

“Ryan will never forgive me for this,” she pleaded.

“Let me handle that,” I said. “Just go wait outside by my car. I’ll meet you out there when I’m done.”

I could see she didn’t want to go. After living together, and seeing days and weeks go by when I could barely pull myself out of bed, I understood why. August was the enemy—the reason for my pain and heartache. But as much as I agreed with her, I had also put much of the blame on myself. I’d made my decision. I’d chosen one man over the other.

And I’d chosen wrong.

Staring into those cold, lifeless eyes couldn’t make that statement any truer.

“If you need anything, call me and I’ll be back here in a second,” Sarah said, squeezing my hand before she left with her head down, quickly moving toward the exit. Her gaze met mine briefly before she disappeared out the door, and I gave her a quick nod. Then she was gone.

And I was alone with August.

“It’s cute how protective she is with you. Although, she did promise to tear off a few of my more precious limbs if things ever went sour between us…”

“You have me to thank for calling her off on that particular promise. She, unlike others, is good at keeping her promises.”

He smiled, a menacing smile that made my skin go cold. “That’s harsh.”

“What are you doing here, August? How did you even find me?” I asked, not moving a muscle, as he took a confident step forward, loosening his tie.

“I told you—I came to wish you congratulations.” He grinned, not bothering to answer my other question. “I hear you’re engaged. Again. I’m really quite surprised at how quickly Ryan welcomed you back with such open arms, considering how quickly you ran from them when given the chance to fall into mine.”

“You son of a bitch,” I seethed.

He ignored my comment as his eyes slid down the length of my body, softening slightly. “You really do look quite stunning.”

“If that is all you came for, than you can go.” I began to turn away, but he closed the gap between us, making my heart stutter.

“I wanted to show you something,” he said, the proximity of his body to mine making my breath rush in and out of my lungs like wind on a stormy day. When Sarah had stood beside me on the pedestal, she’d looked short and goofy. Even though I was still looking down at August, his presence was anything but silly, and I felt intimidated by his size even though I stood over him slightly.

He didn’t give me a chance to speak as he delved into his explanation, pulling something out of his pocket but hiding it from view.

“Letting you leave was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done,” he said, but it was said as more of a statement than a proclamation. I watched him warily, wondering where his humanity had gone since that last night I’d spent in his arms.

And only one word came to mind.

Trent.

“I spent days…weeks even, hating myself and the decision I’d made. I’d drowned myself in that damn box, looking over pictures of us—of you until I was near mad with need. It wasn’t normal—what I was feeling, and I knew I’d never be able to exist without you. I needed you back. I grabbed several pictures of you, holding them between my hands for strength as I planned exactly what I’d say to get you back, and then something happened—something in a photo caught my eye.”

He stepped up on the pedestal, causing me to stumble backward. His arm darted out, righting my stance before his hands fell back into his pockets. He tugged one out again and produced a single green stone.

“Do you remember this?” he asked.

My heart thundered in my chest as I nodded, my eyes frozen on that tiny bead in his hands.

“Remember how I asked you if you’d ever seen it before and you said no?”

I nodded once again, a single tear slipping from the corner of my eye. I took a ragged breath as I waited for the revelation of the single secret I’d held within me for nearly three long years.

Raising his other hand, he flipped over a single photo—one that had been taken years ago at one of my many burger birthdays. August was crouched behind me, his eyes alive and full of excitement, just like mine, as I blew out the candle stuck in my burger. We looked younger, carefree and happy.

“Do you see the necklace around your neck?” he asked, holding the photo up.

I swallowed slowly as I gave a single nod. “Yes.” The word came out strangled and shallow as I stared at the picture. There I was, smiling back at myself with a beautiful green emerald necklace around my throat.

“The strangest thing happened when I saw that green beaded necklace wrapped around your pretty neck. My head felt fuzzy and my vision blurred and suddenly I was on my damn knees, reliving a memory. Only it wasn’t a memory of this life—it was from my former life. Can you guess what memory I had, Everly?”

My lips trembled as I tried to keep everything tightly together.

“No? Let me remind you. You and me—in a dark alley? Only there was no one else. No evil muggers or scary robbers, as you conveniently reported to the police. Just you and me. How did I get in that coma, Everly? How?” he demanded.

“We have to go. We’re not safe here,” he pleaded.

“No, I’m not safe with you!” I yelled, struggling out of his grasp. He tried to catch me as I moved erratically in his tight hold, until finally I broke free, my fist making contact with his head as I turned. The pain of my necklace being ripped from my body made me swivel back around just in time to see his large body collapse to the ground, his head crack against the pavement as tiny green stones fell around him.

“Me,” I cried. “I did it.”

“Yes,” he answered, taking my hand in his. It shook as he opened my palm and placed the tiny bead inside. His cold, lifeless eyes met mine as he said the words I’d feared since the night he awoke.

“And I remember everything.”

The monster was back.

G
uilt, regret, dread.

Three simple words that had the power to strip a man bare.

To make him feel powerless in the most primitive of ways.

That was what my life had been reduced to. Surrounded by money, unlimited wealth and affluence, and yet I couldn’t protect her.

I couldn’t keep her safe.

“Why aren’t we taking a hired car?” Everly’s voice cut through my spiraling thoughts as I turned to see her sitting next to me in the passenger seat. She was a vision tonight—the way the indigo blue of her dress brought out the crimson color of her hair. She wore the beaded necklace I’d given her so many years ago—maybe as a peace offering, hoping to bridge the gap of silence that had grown between us.

Because of me, and all of my many failures.

“I thought it might be nice if it were just the two of us tonight,” I answered, sliding my hand across the center console to reach for hers. She didn’t seek mine out, but she didn’t resist my touch either.

The thought of my embrace didn’t make her draw back in fear. There was still hope in her eyes that I hadn’t become the monster she feared.

If only she knew.

“I thought we were going to the art gala,” she said in disappointment.

“We were. But I know how much you hate those types of events, so I canceled and decided an evening alone would be much nicer.”

Every word was total bullshit. I was still expected at that gala and when I didn’t show…

Passing the small restaurant I’d picked out—the one that wouldn’t require reservations on a Saturday night, I searched around the block for parking, to no avail.

Sometimes I really hated this city.

Three blocks up, I finally found a tight spot on a steep hill. Climbing out of the car, I ran around to the other side to help Everly out, taking note once again of how beautiful she looked.

Her legs seemed to go on forever as she stepped out onto the street, the deep blue fabric of her dress brushing over her lush thighs as she rose to meet me.

“Looks like we have a bit of a walk,” I said, offering my hand.

She looked around, taking in the location. “Where are we? I don’t think I’ve ever been to this part of town.”

I shrugged, playing it off as best I could as we stepped to the sidewalk side by side. “A guy at work said he’d taken his wife to this place last week and she still hasn’t stopped talking about it. I thought it might be worth a try.”

She glanced at me suspiciously as I tried not let the stray graffiti and random bits of trash fluttering in the breeze distract me. I’d once sworn to myself I would always give her the best—nothing less—and here I was taking her to a ratty part of town, to a restaurant I’d never heard of, just so I could get her out of the house for the evening.

All because I needed to explain.

Everything.

And it needed to be done on neutral territory, without threat of interruption or discovery.

Soon, she would understand.

Soon, she would know—everything.

We continued to walk together in silence until she stopped suddenly. I turned to see tears dotting her eyelids as the dim street lights cast a halo on her bright red hair.

“Why are you crying?” I asked hesitantly, stepping forward to offer my hand.

She pulled back, her expression wide with fright as she took in her surroundings. I hadn’t been the only one to notice the less-than-stellar neighborhood.

“What’s going on, August?” she asked, her tone filled with panic and hostility.

“What do you mean?” I said, trying to remain calm. I held my hands up in a gesture of peace.

“Canceling the art gala…taking me to place like this? It’s not you. It doesn’t make any sense.”

I ran a frustrated hand through my hair, knowing she was right. None of it made sense, but it was the best I could do and I was hoping she would just go along for the ride.

“Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think,” I bit back, hating myself the instant I said it.

I just needed her to trust me. But trust had to be earned, and over the last few years I’d slowly chipped away at that hard earned treasure I’d once cherished more than anything. Now, when she looked at me, there was little left but doubt.

Doubt and fear.

A sob tore through her and I watched her turn and run down a darkened alley.

“Fuck!” I cursed under my breath, chasing after her. The click of her heels echoed through the narrow passage, until the sound ceased altogether and I found her with her arms wrapped tightly around herself near the side entrance of a sandwich shop. The flickering light above gave me glimpse of just what damage I’d done to this poor woman.

The woman I’d loved for so long.

Mascara ran down her swollen red cheeks, puffy from the tears she’d shed over the hurtful words I’d said. How many tears had she cried over me?

Buckets, probably.

I wasn’t worth it. But I would be.

“Why don’t you love me?” she asked, her gaze vacant as she stared blankly at the wall beyond me.

“I love you, Everly. I love you so much,” I pleaded, taking her hand. It felt lifeless in mine, like everything had just been sucked out of her and she was just an empty shell standing before me.

Maybe she had been this way for a long time, and I’d been too stupid to notice.

“You don’t,” she replied, finally turning to look at me. “You haven’t for a long time, and I’ve just been too afraid to see it.”

“No, you don’t understand—let me explain. But just not here,” I said, looking around at the darkened alley. “We have to go. We’re not safe here,” I pleaded.

“No, I’m not safe with you!” she yelled, struggling out of my grasp. I tried to catch her as she moved erratically in my tight hold, but the slippery fabric of her dress loosened my grip and I lost my balance, sending us both flying. Her fist collided with my skull, and I felt myself falling…reaching.

Green stones fell around me like rain as I tumbled to the ground, and the last thing I saw was her tortured face as I tumbled into oblivion.

I could see it all written on her face.

Horror, pain, fear…but most of all—relief.

Complete and utter relief.

S
ecrets.

They had the ability to destroy lives, obliterate relationships, and sabotage even the strongest partnerships. Big or small…it didn’t matter. Even the tiniest white lie had the power to corrode—to shatter and dismantle everything you loved.

I’d carried a secret so big, for so long, that sometimes I felt physically weak from its weight. I had thought I could carry its burden to my grave—that eventually its truth would die along with me.

But, secrets never die.

They live on far longer than we do, and they always find their way to the surface.

Mine certainly did.

Sitting alone in the apartment I shared with my fiancé, I gently rolled the smooth green stone between my thumb and forefinger, over and over, remembering the day it was returned to me.

In all our years together, I’d never seen August so cold. So lifeless.

It had frightened me to my core.

But I still hadn’t told anyone. It had been three days and I had yet to tell Ryan or Sarah about what had taken place in the bridal shop. As far as they knew, August had rudely interrupted my bridal appointment to tell me he had his memories back—that was all.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Why hadn’t I elaborated? I didn’t want to admit my shame. I couldn’t share this secret, my darkest lie. What would they think of me? I was the reason August had been in that hospital bed for two years. And the worst part? I’d lied about it—to everyone.

Even to those closest to me. Even August.

I was the worst kind of human.

I knew Ryan would tell me the opposite. He would comfort me as I told him the truth, holding me as I shared my story about the awful truth from that night.

There was no mugger.

There was only me.

“911 Dispatch. What is your emergency?” The words rang clear through the speaker of my cell phone as I held it with both hands, looking down through blurry, tear-soaked eyes at August’s lifeless body sprawled out on the ground.

Oh God, what had I done?

“Is anyone there?” The woman asked again.

“Yes,” I managed to say. “Please send help. My boyfriend has been injured.” My voice cracked as the words fell from my lips, becoming reality.

“What happened? Was there an accident? Were you attacked?”

Glancing around the dark alley, I felt my head nodding in agreement before I even said the words. “Yes, we were attacked. Please, come quickly.”

It had all been so easy. No one ever doubted me. And I never gave them reason to. I was a broken, sobbing mess as they took August away in the ambulance, and then stood by him for days until they broke the news that he might never wake from his coma.

The coma I’d put him in. I’d sat with him in that lonely white room, watching him become so frail as the days seemed to pass without end. His doctor mistook my guilt for grief and suggested I try to move on with my life. I was young. August would want me to carry on without him.

I remembered the doctor rubbing my back as he delivered the ultimate truth.

“It would take a miracle for him to wake up at this point,” he’d said with utmost care. I’d nodded, thanking him for his candor. I’d looked down at August, wondering whether I wanted a miracle.

Would he be the same? Or different?

I’d decided in that moment, I couldn’t wait around to find out—it hurt too much. So I’d taken the doctor’s advice and moved on, finding my own apartment and job. And eventually—Ryan.

Gentle Ryan.

He would tell me that horrible night was just an accident and I’d panicked—an intense moment of weakness. He’d soothe my tears and insist none of it was my fault. Everything would be forgotten and swept under the rug and we would move on. Life would go on as usual.

But I didn’t want it to. I didn’t deserve his kindness or empathy. I needed someone to scream and yell at me for the all the suffering I’d caused. I needed to pay for the life I’d stolen.

Because when it came down to it, I’d taken a life.

And I’d walked away, allowing everyone to believe I was the victim of this story when in actuality, I was the criminal. The perpetrator.

The real monster.

“Hey, I was wondering where you were,” Ryan’s warm familiar voice filtered through the room as I closed my hand over the stone and slowly sunk it beneath the blankets, meeting his friendly gaze.

“Hey,” I answered, feigning sleepiness. I stretched my neck back and forth, making an elaborate show of my yawn for effect as the tiny green stone burned hot and bright in my hand. “I was just trying to take a nap.”

“No luck?” he asked, leaning against the door frame, his arms crossing his broad chest as he took me in.

“No. I don’t know why I bothered. I can never sleep during the day. But I haven’t been sleeping well since—” I stopped myself, regretting the words instantly.

“Since the bridal shop. I know. I feel you tossing and turning in the night,” he said as his eyes lingered on me.

Nodding, I felt the silence settle between us. I wasn’t sure what to say next.

He pushed off from the door frame and stalked toward me, taking the empty spot on the bed beside me. I felt the mattress dip as his large body crawled on top. It felt comforting, having his weight next to mine.

Safe and real.

He took his time gathering his thoughts, and I could almost see the wheels turning in his head as he chose each word carefully.

“Do you regret your decision? Choosing me? Now that he has his memories…does it change your answer?”

And there it was.

The seed of doubt that had sprouted and blossomed buds and blooms since I was away with August. He’d walked away—sent me into the arms of another man, and even though I’d come back willingly, he didn’t always feel confident in my choice. Would I ever be able to uproot its existence or had the damage already been done?

Were we doomed from the start?

“No—God no,” I answered, backpedaling. “That is not what I’m thinking at all,” I explained, sitting up further in bed to face him fully. “It startled me, yes. I’m still processing it—still trying to figure out what it means to us. But it doesn’t change anything. I chose you. I chose this life. That hasn’t changed, and it never will.”

I’m really quite surprised at how quickly Ryan welcomed you back with such open arms, considering how quickly you ran from them when given the chance to fall into mine.

My voice quivered as I spoke, betrayed my raw emotions. Ryan saw this and mistook my still overwhelming feelings for passion. His lips met mine, a tender whisper of a kiss with a dangling question mark at the end, begging for more. Knowing he needed the reassurance only I could give, I answered with a kiss of my own, returning his tenderness with passion and fire as we fell back onto the mattress and forgot all about memories and choices, and only thought about one thing.

Each other.

“Two months?” Sarah squeaked loudly in response to my surprising answer. “Two months?” she repeated as I just nodded, keeping my eyes straight ahead as I followed the signs to the first place on the list.

“You’re not pregnant, are you?” she asked, and then before I had a chance to answer, lowered her voice and said, “Oh my god, you’re not pregnant with…August’s child, are you?”

“What kind of person do you take me for?” I questioned as I switched lanes, taking the exit the brochure had instructed. “I know my life seems like a soap opera lately, but damn…it hasn’t gotten that bad!” I laughed, feeling a little wounded that my best friend really had to ask that question. I mean, I knew my life had been a little turbulent, but I still knew how to prevent pregnancy.

“You haven’t answered the question,” she pointed out, crossing her arms over her chest.

“For fuck’s sake! I’m not pregnant! With anyone’s child! I just want to get married!” I hollered over the radio, nearly laughing.

“In two months? Why so soon?” she asked, still pestering, as she began looking around at the well-established neighborhood. We came to a red light. Mature old trees and meticulous landscaping stretched out as far as the eye could see. It was the kind of place where you could picture yourself raising a family—someday.

“Why not so soon?” I said, shaking the picket fence dream from my mind. I had a wedding to plan. “I’ve made my decision—and yes, I made of mess of it all, but now it’s made and I want to start living my life so I don’t see any reason to wait.”

Her eyes met mine a moment before I hit the gas to pass through the green light, and I saw her smirk and give a quick nod.

“Okay then. Let’s get this thing planned. Good thing I had you shopping off the sales rack last week at the bridal shop,” she giggled.

“You knew this would happen?”

“I figured you would either drag your heels or race to the altar. I was really hoping for some sprinting—it’s a hell of a lot more fun.”

I let out a gentle laugh as we pulled into the small parking lot of the first venue option, killing the engine and turning to her with a smile. Looking up at the beautiful white church, I smiled.

“Well, let’s get this thing started.”

“I need caffeine!” I whined, nearly falling into the quaint coffee shop that had served as my employer for nearly three years. The familiar scent that greeted me felt like a warm, snug blanket was being wrapped around my senses. This place was tiring at times, and the hours sometimes sucked, but it had always felt like home.

“I need new legs!” Sarah cried out. “You’re a slave driver!” She staggered into the nearest chair, her head falling to the table with a thud. “So tired,” she mumbled against the hard wood.

“I didn’t mention we were planning everything today?” I said with a wink as I walked up to the counter to greet my coworker Trudy.

“No—you definitely did not. And if you had, I would have worn different shoes.” To make her point, she held out her foot, displaying her very adorable, incredibly high-heeled, wedged sandals. They were tan, with accents of lime green that perfectly matched the bright hues of her sundress.

And she’d bought them on sale—a fact she’d told me with great pride this morning on the way to our first appointment.

But thanks to me and my ambitious schedule, she now hated them—with a passion.

Everything in the world was currently my fault, according to Sarah. But, I’d had a plan when we’d left the house today, and I didn’t want it ruined by her overachiever brain. So, I’d left a few key items out of the agenda. Like the florist appointment…and the bakery appointment…and every other bridal-type duty you would need to handle before a wedding.

I’d finally decided to pick a wedding date—to get married and start my life. I’d been a runner for as long as I could remember, darting as soon as life got rough. When Ryan and I fought, I needed air. When things got too real with August, I made excuses and fled. It was why my own fiancé had been the one to help me come to terms with my feelings for August.

It was wrong. So wrong. And it needed to stop.

From now on, I would have my feet firmly planted on the ground. No more running, starting with this wedding, and to make sure I stayed where I was supposed to be—I’d plan the entire thing from start to finish, so help me God.

However, I wasn’t stupid. I realized I would eventually need Sarah’s assistance and expertise. There’s a reason I work in a coffee shop. The work attire only requires jeans and t-shirts every day of the year, and I barely have to wear makeup. I am a low-maintenance girl. But usually, when I asked for Sarah’s assistance, it came in overwhelming waves. So, I’d fibbed a little and told her we were meeting up today to look at one or two venue options.

Okay, I lied a lot.

Did I feel bad? I looked at her hunched over the table, mumbling about her pretty, pretty shoes.

Maybe a little.

“Two of the usual?” Trudy asked, with a wink in Sarah’s direction.

“Yeah, that’d be great. Maybe a small brownie, too,” I added, biting my lip in indecision. Sweets were always a risk when Sarah was moody. With the strict stage diet she always followed when she was performing, and her lingering issues due to years of eating disorders, I always knew to tread lightly when it came to food. But I decided that for today, the chocolate was definitely needed, and today, I needed all the help I could get.

With coffee and chocolate in hand, I walked back and placed the cups down on the table. The aroma immediately brought her face skyward, as she eyed the coffee first and then the brownie with a frown.

“That whole thing is mine. You don’t get a single bite,” she snarled, kicking loose her sandals underneath the table.

I grinned, nodding. “Deal.”

“So, why didn’t you tell me we were planning your entire wedding in a day?”

I shrugged, “I guess I wanted to be in charge of it.”

“And you thought I wouldn’t let you if I knew?” she asked, taking a long sip of coffee before breaking off a piece of the decadent brownie.

“I don’t know. Part of me feels bad for the way I acted before. I never got involved—never played the happy bride.”

“And so now you’re overcompensating? Are you sure this isn’t compensation for something else?” Her eyes met mine as our conversation took a turn toward the serious.

“What do you mean?” I asked, clutching my favorite ceramic coffee cup for warmth. It was the same cup I used on all my shifts. It had a cheesy one liner that said “Meh”. My customers loved it.

“Look, I know you are firm in this decision and I see you’re happy, but no one is forcing you into marriage. You don’t have to marry Ryan to prove you’re over August.”

“I know that,” I answered defensively.

“I just want to make sure you’re getting married for the right reasons.”

Looking down at my coffee, I watched the steam rise from the cup, like a memory caught in time.

The last bit of coffee brewed, gurgling and steaming until the last drop was done. I quickly turned to grab the sugar and milk and returned ready to fix everything up.