Forgiven (19 page)

I toss the keys across the counter and close the door behind me. I have to call Sam, but I hate to do it in front of her, but I can’t keep anymore secrets. I can’t hide the truth from her. I refuse to participate in that kind of behavior any longer. I dial Sam’s number and it goes to voicemail. I’m not surprised. She’s barely available these days because she’s so busy with school. When the greeting is over I spill the beans. “Sam, it’s Bradley. She knows. Gabby knows about your father. She’s not talking, and she’s a mess. I need your help.” I look to the ceiling and take a deep breath. I always seem to need Sam’s help. “Call me, please.”

I sense movement over my shoulder and she’s standing in the doorway. Her tear streaked face is dewy, and her eyes are red from crying. I take a step toward her, thankful she’s looking at me. When I do, she shakes her head and backs up. I stop and drop my head. I can’t stand this. I just want to go shake some sense into her, but I’ve done enough to her tonight.

I walk into the bedroom. She’s climbing into bed and turns her back to me and snuggles into the covers. I just want to scoop her up and make it all okay, but I don’t feel confident in my ability to make anything in this world okay at the moment. “Gabby, I’m sorry. I don’t want to go to bed with you upset with me, but I know you need space.” She doesn’t move. I point to the living room. “I’ll be on the couch if you need me.” Instinctively, I lean over to kiss her head and I just can’t. I can’t touch her. I don’t feel like she’s mine to touch right now. I pick up the pillow and walk to the door. I glance back to her. When I do, she closes her eyes. “Goodnight Gabby Girl. Love you.”

I toss the pillow onto the sofa, pulling the quilt that is folded over the back down. I take off my shirt and let my pants pool on the floor and fall back onto the couch. I try to sleep, but that is impossible. The day’s events play on repeat in my mind. I go through every decision I made over and over again reflecting on what I could have done differently to have avoided this situation. In reflecting on my actions, it hurts to know that the only thing I would change is my loss of control. It won’t happen again. With that realization and resolve, I am finally able to relax and I feel my eyes getting heavier. I roll over and wrap my arms around a pillow, pretending it’s Gabby.

I’m woken by the doorbell. I rub my eyes, stretch, glancing over at the clock on the microwave. It’s light outside already, and I can’t believe I slept so soundly. It’s nine o’clock. I assume Gabby’s still asleep. I pull a T-shirt over my head and walk towards the door, trying to remember what day of the week it is, which doesn’t take long. It’s Friday. Gabby usually wakes me up in the mornings. I am running late.

When I open the door, I’m surprised to see Sam. “What are you doing here?”

“Bradley.” She nods as she walks past me into the apartment. She’s cold. I’ve never known her to be so cold. “We’re supposed to be shopping for dresses this weekend, remember?”

I roll my eyes and inhale deeply. No. Dress shopping hasn’t been on the top of my priority list. “Did you get my message?”

“I did. Why do you think I’m here already? Where is she?”

I point to the bedroom. “I think she’s still asleep, but I’m not sure.” I glance over to the mess on the couch. “I.” I point over to it. “Obviously, I didn’t sleep with her last night.”

Sam never looks at me. She just walks right into the room. I walk behind her, but once she’s in she slams the door in my face, my bedroom door in my face. I drop my head and sulk back to the sofa and begin to fold the quilt. When I am done, I walk to the kitchen to start a large pot of coffee for all of us. I figure Sam may be awhile with Gabby, but no. I’m totally surprised when the door swings open and bounces off the door stopper. I start to say something, but then bite my tongue. I’m sure that anything I have to say will only act as fuel on the already raging fire that this situation has become.

She takes long strides with her petite legs and makes it to the bar in front of me in mere seconds. She tosses her purse down on the stool and then comes around the side. I don’t have much time to react. She jabs her finger into my chest. “I
told
you not to tell her. What the hell were you thinking?” She tries to shove me and I let her as she starts to beat my chest. “I told you not to tell. I told you it would destroy her. You son of a bitch, what have you done?” She slowly collapses into my arms, and I bring them up to embrace her. She sobs into my chest. “What have you done?” She whimpers.

“I’m sorry,” is all I can say. I rock her back and forth. “I’m so sorry.”

She pushes off of my chest and wipes her tears as she narrows her eyes and swallows. “Call me if she starts talking again. I have to get out of here. I’ll cancel our appointment to shop for gowns.”

I try to grab her arm. “Sam, wait.” But she wiggles loose.

“No. I have to go,” she hisses as she walks out of the door.

I can’t be near Bradley Banks right now. I never thought I’d see my sister in such a state again. It was far more difficult to watch than I anticipated. She wouldn’t look at me. She wouldn’t talk to me. I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless. I can’t help her if she won’t let me in and know what she’s thinking.

I try to call Ryan, but his phone goes straight to voice mail. He’s doing his surgical rotation, and it’s been impossible to get in touch with him lately. I miss him. I need him. I had planned to stay with him this weekend, but I am here earlier than we had planned. I don’t know where to go or what to do with myself. I just know that I don’t want to be alone. I need to talk to someone before these emotions and feelings cause me to explode.

I’m just sitting in my car in the parking lot trying to think of where to go or who I can see. It’s not like I have a ton of friends in this town. I start the ignition, shift the car into drive and pull through the empty parking space in front of me. I start to drive around the city as if I’m on auto-pilot.

It doesn’t take me long before I’m parked in front of Joe’s. It’s not like he’s here. It’s morning. It’s a weekend. I know from Ryan and Bradley that he fishes at the lake on Saturday’s. I put the car in park. Even if he’s not here, being close to this place is somehow comforting.

I cross my hands over the steering wheel and rest my head on my hands. What a nightmare this is. I was relieved when Gabby had decided that she didn’t want to know about our childhood past. I was grateful that she seemed happy and was moving on with her life. For the first time in my life, I felt a little freedom in having to be so over protective of her.

As much as I love her, I felt like she wasn’t my total responsibility. It’s a weight on my shoulders I’ve carried for years, and it was nice to know that I had someone to share it with. It was respite having someone else looking out for her. That I could get a break. I know Emma had been with her while she was in high school, but Emma was less than available. I still tried to come home as much as possible or have Gabby come to me because I worried about her.

The one person I trusted and felt would do what was right by her has completely screwed up, and I’m reminded why I have always wanted to stay close. I’m reminded why I have become my sister’s keeper for all of these years. It’s because I can’t depend on others to protect her the way I would. Ultimately, there is no one on this planet that loves her more than me. It’s just not possible.

My phone rings, and it startles me. I jump to answer it because I hope it’s Gabby. I need it to be Gabby. I need to know she’s okay. When I peek at the screen, I’m surprised. “Joe?”

“Sam, are you sitting outside of my club?” I jerk my head from side-to-side, and I see him standing in the doorway. One hand is holding his phone and the other is holding the door open. I feel relief flood through my body, and nervous laughter erupts. Soon I’m cackling in between sobs. I never take my eyes off of him, and it’s as if I’m completely paralyzed. A smile curves onto his lips as he watches me, amused. “You okay? You wanna come in?” he quips.

I take a deep breath and end the call as I nod my head yes, “Yes.”

I cut the ignition off and watch him close his phone. He’s still grinning, and I can tell that he looks interested as to why I’m sitting outside of his club. I have to admit that I’m relieved he’s here. He’s so tall, and I’m so short. When I get to the door, he extends his arm and makes an opening for me to go into the club through. As he stares down at me, I glance up to him. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. What’s up? You’re not just in Atlanta, but you’re outside my club in the morning.” He closes and locks the door, then he walks behind the bar. “Too early for a drink?” he asks as he picks up a glass.

“Not today.” I shake my head. “Bradley told me you did some background work on my dad for him.”

His smile quickly disappears. “Damn, just cut to the chase,” he says as he pours a shot. “I did.”

“And...” I take the glass, tip it and touch his and toss it back.

When he puts his glass down on the table, he walks away. I watch him move from behind the bar, and I think for a moment he’s coming to my side, but he’s not. He walks to the back office and calls over his shoulder. “You can see for yourself. Hold on a sec.”

I swallow hard. I’m not sure I want to see. Hearing and seeing are two totally different things. I’m not sure I’m ready to see anything that has to do with him. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready. He’s been dead to me for so many years. I don’t get the convenience of not remembering. I know it all. I don’t want to face it any more than I already have.

I rest my head on the bar. I can’t believe how quickly that shot has affected me.
Not smart to do that on an empty stomach first thing in the morning, Samantha. Stupid. Just stupid.

I feel heat behind me, and when I sit up, I can feel his chest on my back for a moment, and then he steps back. He tosses a manila file onto the bar in front of me. “That’s everything I have,” he breathes into my ear.

I can’t move. I know if I move, I’m going to be face to face with him, and I’m not sure if it’s the alcohol or the myriad of emotions that I’ve felt today, but I’m in dangerous territory right now. I freeze. He stays there for a moment, and I can feel everything inside of my body heating to treacherous temperatures. The fact that he’s not moving lets me know that he feels it, too. This is wrong. I have to get out of here.

“Well aren’t you going to open it?” he quizzes me.

“Um.” I gulp. “I need to get outta here,” I cry as I turn to leave.

He grabs my shoulders and turns me around. “Oh no. You can’t drive right now.” Our eyes are locked, and he reaches down to my hand, prying my fingers open to take my keys. “I’ll keep these for a little while. Sit.” He puts his hands on my shoulders and gently nudges me down onto the stool.

I swallow and nod my head. “I’m not sure I want to look at this.” I push the folder back to him. “Can’t you just tell me?”

He sits next to me. “I can tell you.” Then he shrugs. “But I think you’d be better served to deal with it head on and move forward.”