Forgiveness Creek: The Creek Series (4 page)

Numbness encased me. When I got home, Mom tried to comfort me, but there was no peace to my existence.

I drove over to Stephan’s house and found his clothes, putting them on. I could still smell him, my senses on overload. I heard his music still playing on the iPod, where he’d forgot to turn it off, as he often did.

There was no understanding. No heart. Just a cloud of cold darkness. My body weak with physical and mental pain and the fear of never understanding. I cried out in anger. I didn’t want to go on. I thought about ending my life that night and removed Stephan’s pistol from the bottom drawer of his bureau.

Out on the deck, I looked at it and laid it down on the table. Then I picked it up and stared at the trigger. One bullet and I’d be with my lover for eternity.

The phone in the cabin rang, and his answering machine picked up. When I heard his voice, I cried harder.

Then his sister started leaving a message. “Wrenn, if you get this message…”

I raced in through the open patio door. “Hello,” I answered.

There was nothing but cries on both ends of the line for the longest of time.

“My flight leaves in thirty minutes. I won’t be there until tomorrow afternoon.”

“Okay. I’ll be here. I can take care of the arrangements, if you want.”

“Just wait and we’ll do them together.”

“Okay.” I sank to the floor in front of the sink and thought about the arrangements. I remembered them with my father and how hard it was for my mom to make them. I never thought about that with Stephan. Young people subconsciously live as if they’re immortal.

Half crawling, half walking, I managed the short distance to his room. I turned on the light in his closet, sat on the floor, and started looking for clothes that would be right for him, and realized just how morbid the concept was.

In anger I shoved at the clothes, knocking many to the floor.

To my surprise, there on the wall in big bold letters was written, “101 Things I Love About Wrenn”.

1. The way her name sounds off my lips

2. The dimples behind her knees

That came as a shock. I didn’t know I had dimples behind my knees.

I went to the bathroom and removed my clothes. Standing with my naked backside in front of the long mirror, I leaned around and twisted to and fro, trying to see the dimples for myself. I appeared like a failing contortionist and laughed out loud. If only he could’ve been there to see it, he would’ve rolled in laughter.

I curled on my side and caught the shower door out of the corner of my eye. The memory came to me quickly of our last time together in the bathroom he designed for me. My visions were so vivid, as if he were right there with me. And yet, when I looked over at the shower door, he failed to magically appear.

I went back to the wall and kept reading, crying and sometimes… even laughing.
Absorbing his secret scribblings in a life-size journal
.

3. Her beautiful eyes

4. The way she snorts if she giggles more than three times

Oh my God, he counted them?

5. Her genuine spirit

10. The ticklish spot on the back of her right thigh

14. She’s most beautiful without make-up

20. The rosy glow her cheeks get when she’s coming

Okay, that one has to get covered up.

31. Her perfectly shaped lips

39. Her taste

44. Her second toe is longer than her big toe

I looked down at my feet and giggled through my tears.

59. She draws a heart on exclamation points on the notes she leaves me

I never knew he’d noticed.

72. She makes lists

84. Her honesty

89. Her simple needs

90. The way she bounces in the saddle when she rides a horse, reminds me of the way she rides me

Another one I had to hide from my mother.

91. The smell of her hair.

The last one hit me hard. He always stuck his nose in my hair and inhaled deeply.

I closed my eyes and sensed him behind me.

If only it were real…

When I opened my eyes, I found myself alone.

He hadn’t finished the list.
I wish I knew what he was thinking for the final ten.

What else didn’t I know about Stephan and how much he loved me? I read his list and re-read it out loud. Sometimes the details made me laugh and sometimes I cried harder. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped myself in a tight ball on the floor. There was no comfort, no joy. Sorrow and anger prevailed.

Why did you leave me, Stephan?

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his black leather jacket and recalled how sexy he’d looked on New Year’s Eve. That next morning he’d told me it was our beginning, and it had been. Our time together had been beautiful. He never told me it was going to be short. He’d promised to love me forever.

After some time, I walked around the cabin and looked at his place, his life left behind. I found his cologne and sprayed it all over the flannel shirt of his I was wearing and curled up on his side of the bed.

No goodbyes…

Analina
. She wanted to celebrate his life in true Stephan style. It was a great idea and I agreed, so we hosted a bonfire and barbecue on Saturday night on his land for all of his friends to come tell their favorite stories.

A couple of the guys brought their guitars, and we tried our best to sing some of Stephan’s favorite songs, but no one could do it as good as Blake Shelton, so we wound up making fun of each other and laughing through our tears as we sang along to the music over the Bose player.

Publicly, it was humbling to see how many people turned out to show their love and respect. Privately, guilt consumed my soul for leaving him and putting myself first.

Mom tried her best to be supportive because she understood the pain from losing her soul mate, but the loss was hard on her in two ways. One, because she loved Stephan like her own child, and two, because it took her back to the day she lost the man she loved with all of her soul.

Sunday morning, Analina came by my house before leaving for the airport. She wanted to say goodbye, something Stephan didn’t believe in.

“There’s something that I wanted to give you,” she said, opening her big red purse while she took a seat on the sofa. Her hands trembled.

She pulled out a key ring and handed it to me. I looked it over and laughed because he never locked his door, and the key fob read, “Door locked? Find an open window.” So much the mentality that had been Stephan.

She swiped at a tear falling from her chin. “He wanted you to have the cabin. In fact, he left everything to you. The cabin, his life insurance, his accounts—everything.”

“I know this ring was your mother’s,” I said. “I want to give it back.”

“No, we talked about it. I have her wedding band. We both wanted you to have Mother’s ring. Please…”

“Okay.”

We hugged and cried. I understood what she was saying, but I didn’t know how I felt about the ring. I thought she should have it.

“Don’t you want to keep it for your son or daughter some day?”

“No, I want to honor my brother’s wishes. Besides, I have my ring just like we’d planned.”

When she left that day, I got the feeling it would be the last time I ever saw her. I knew I would be talking with her about the property and all, but for her, it was closure. She would return to her husband in Germany and leave the pain behind.

For me, it was another new beginning, a tragically painful one. At times we’d been estranged, but Stephan was my best friend, and while I’d lost sight of that for a period of time, I’ll always be eternally grateful we found our way back to one another, even if it was such a short time. Maybe I did get the best and worst of him, but at least I was his hope in life and a reason to live.

After Analina left, Mom and I went to the bench down by the creek as we usually did on Sundays. We actually went a bit early, so I could get on the road back to Denton. I had one week left to get through before I would come home and try to make sense of things.

The sound of the flowing creek was peaceful, and the sun peaked through the thickness of the trees.

“I now know why you love to come here. There is something healing about this place.”

“Even with the mooing in the distance, it’s still peaceful.”

We both laughed hard. It felt good. We had to get used to the cows again after so long.

“Yes, that is an unfamiliar sound down here; that is for sure.” I paused after my giggles because I snorted, and it reminded me of the wall. “I feel like a zombie, Mom. When does it end?”

“It’s a circle, baby. But, there is a life for you. You’ve suffered more than you deserve at an early age, but you will find happiness, I promise.”

I wasn’t sure how she could be so certain. I felt the rip and tear of my flesh, even though I had no new wounds. My heart was exposed, even though I couldn’t see it. The burden had me buried, even though I wasn’t covered. The energy to overcome the grief was nowhere in sight.

The next week spun by in a blur at school and work. Everyone was very understanding and treated me with extra care, even though I told them to be business as usual.

On Friday, Karina was a doll and came home with me as soon as our shifts were over. I was grateful for the company on the road that late, as well as the emotional brace she provided. She was a country girl too and loved to ride horses, so she was looking forward to getting to do some of that.

In keeping with my customary habits, I’d made a list of things I wanted to do and things I would have to make decisions about later. The first thing was the cabin. I couldn’t picture keeping it, nor selling it, so it was tabled. All of Stephan’s things were going to be sorted and boxed and placed in the attic. His writing in the closet was going to be left as it was. It was his final message to me.

“I don’t know what to do with his truck. I thought about leaving it at my house, but no one will drive it, and it’s just going to sit there.”

“You won’t drive it?”

“I can barely get in it, it’s so tall. No, I’m not comfortable driving it. Too many memories.”

“Then sell it or maybe Ben or Justin might know someone?”