Fractious (20 page)

"Hey, you!"

I turned in surprise at the voice that had called to me but I didn't see anyone. "Who's
there?" I called out over the roar of the falls.

A voice answered, "It's me."

"Now that answers everything," I muttered to myself. "Who?"

"Me. The waterfall."

Now that beat all.

"Seriously?" I called. "A talking waterfall? You've got to be kidding me!"

"No kids," the booming voice answered.

As weird as it was, I didn't find it terribly weird, considering all that had happened to
me. I stood at the base of the falls, looking up at the water cascading over the side of the
mountains, seeming to come from the sky itself. Then I gazed into the falls itself and saw what
was really talking to me.

Behind the falls was a dark, hollow space. In this dark, hollow space, even in the
darkness of night and the cave, I could see a shape.

"Who's in there?" I called out, moving as close to the cave as I could without falling into
the water. I leaned against the rock face and tried to peer through the falling water. "I can see
you." I leaned closer. And then I fell in the water.

The water wasn't very deep, but I got soaking wet anyway. It was freezing cold. As I
clambered out, I saw a young boy standing at the edge, laughing his head off.

"You're all wet." He doubled over with one hand on his stomach, as if his intestines
were about to burst out.

"Yeah." I dragged myself out of the water, covered in mud from the knees down.
Dripping and cold, I said, "So who the hell are you?"

"Ollam," the boy said, straightening and wiping his streaming eyes. "Wow, you gave me
the best laugh ever."

"Thanks," I mumbled. "I'm good at that. Now what are you doing here?"

The boy's bright gray eyes twinkled. He looked to be about eight years old, definitely
human and not Tuatha Dé. He had long hair that appeared to be a shade of blond, but in
the moonlight, it was hard to really tell. It might have been silver. He was wearing only a
scraggly loin cloth and the rest of him was bare. And he wasn't answering my question.

I said again. "What are you doing here?"

He scratched his head. "I'm not really sure. I live in the waterfall."

"No you don't," I said. "You live
behind
the waterfall."

Ollam shrugged his shoulders. "Who are you?"

"Guy," I said.

"What's a Guy?"

"Me." I stabbed my thumb at my chest. "I'm looking for peaches."

"Who's she?" Ollam said.

"Not a she," I said. "An it. Fruit actually."

"What's a fruit?"

I rolled my eyes. "Why are you here all by yourself? You're just a kid."

"So are you," he said.

"I'm older than I look," I said. "You've very adept at avoiding my questions."

"Well," Ollam said, thoughtfully, "I don't have all the answers, do I?"

"Guess not. I'll be on my way then." I moved away from the boy, pulling out Fiacha's
map and examining it. It was all wet and it tore when I tried to unfold it. I could see colored
water dripping off of it from Fiacha's colored scribbles as the paint ran. Annoyed, I balled up the
wet paper and threw it onto the ground behind me. She had said something about a path, and I
could see the beginning of a path just ahead. I figured upon following that. Peaches awaited
me.

The boy, Ollam bounded ahead of me and stood in the center of my path. "Where are
you going?" He bounced up and down on the balls of his feet.

"Peaches." I pointed at the pathway. "I have to go find peaches."

"What are those?"

I sighed. "Fruit."

"What's fruit?"

I had a feeling that this was not going to end any time soon. I walked around the boy and
headed back to the head of the path.

"Where are you from?" he said, trailing behind me.

"New York," I said as I began trotting down the path.

"What's that?"

"Not a what. It's a where. That's where I'm from," I said, not having to yell so loud now
as the sound of the waterfall began to diminish. "Where are you from?"

"I live behind the waterfall, remember? Where are you going?"

I pointed. "Peaches."

"What's that?"

This went on and on and on until I rounded a bend and came to a swinging rope bridge.
Fiacha had warned me about this, so I knew I was headed in the right direction. The bridge
swung across a chasm and connected Amergin's side of the mountain to the other side of the
mountain. I am not afraid to admit that I was terrified.

"You gonna cross that?" Ollam pointed. Pointing was becoming a common thing
between the two of us.

"If the peaches are on the other side, then yes, I'm crossing." I went to the edge and
peered over. The ravine sunk about three or four hundred feet into the earth. Nausea filled my
belly and I took a deep breath. I put my right hand on the rope and put my left foot on the first
plank. As I put my weight on the bridge I closed my eyes, only opening them when I felt safe.
Needless to say, I opened my eyes about five minutes later.

"You're brave," Ollam said. He watched me slowly make my way across the hundred or
so foot long bridge.

"I wish I was back in New York," I said. "In the park. Eating a hotdog from that grungy
hotdog vendor who hangs out behind the bushes. Listening to my neighbors bicker about who
has the longest arms."

I continued to talk as I placed my feet carefully, plank by plank, so that I would have
something else to think about besides the fact that I was making my way across a very rickety
looking bridge. And the fact that there was a couple hundred foot drop beneath me. "Reading a
book on the subway. Eating lunch at that Italian place on the corner that has the dumpster out in
front instead of keeping it round back. Listening to that bum spout sonnets about various gods
and Romans. Riding in the trunk of a taxi like I did on the way home from summer camp that
one time. Any place but here."

I looked up to find that I was on the other side, quite a few feet from the edge of the
bridge. When I thought about what I'd just done, I did a one-eighty and fell backwards in a half
faint. Lying on the ground, I opened my eyes and stared up at the sky but I saw no sky. Instead of
sky, I saw green leaves and colorful peaches. I breathed a sigh of relief and leapt to my feet. I
gazed up at the orange and yellow colors of the fruit and reached up to pluck one.

"Whatcha doin' over there?" Ollam's voice echoed over the canyon.

"Picking peaches," I called back, suddenly regretting it.

"What's a peach?"

"A fruit!" I answered.

"What's a fruit?!"

"I'll show you in a minute," I answered. I took off my shirt and tied the sleeves together
as best I could. I began plucking and filled my shirt with as many ripe peaches as I could.

"Why are you stripping?" Ollam asked, but I didn't answer. I figured answering wouldn't
do him, or me, any good.

When my shirt was bulging in all the wrong places, I made my way back over the
bridge, being even extra careful since I had some extra weight with me. I made it safely, much to
the amusement of Ollam. When my feet were on solid ground again, I handed a single peach to
Ollam.

He took a bite, made a disgusted face and went to throw the peach into the chasm.

I grabbed his wrist and saved the peach. When I bit into it, it tasted like peach
heaven.

Ollam watched me eat with his face screwed up into a grimace. "That's gross! Tastes
like fruit."

"It's supposed to," I said. "You don't like fruit?"

"Guess not."

"I thought you didn't know what a fruit was?"

"Well, you said it was a peach and that it was a fruit so I just assumed that that is what
fruit tasted like."

I began walking quickly back down the trail up which I'd come.

Ollam followed at my heels. "Whatcha gonna do with those peaches?"

"Make a cobbler."

"For who?"

"Amergin."

"But Amergin hates peaches."

"You said you didn't know what a peach was," I said. "How do you know Amergin hates
peaches if you don't know what peaches are?"

"Did I say that?"

I nodded.

"I didn't mean
those
peaches!"

"What kind of peaches did you mean then?"

"I meant the peaches Amergin hates."

"One and the same," I said, trying really hard to keep my patience intact.

"But why do you want to give Amergin something he hates?"

"To piss him off. And how do you know Amergin hates peaches?"

"I heard some place." Ollam shrugged his bony shoulders.

"Whatever." I noticed that the sound of the waterfall was getting closer and that the
moon had moved even farther across the sky than I would have liked it to have moved.

"What's that mean?" Ollam said.

"Do you ever stop asking questions?"

"Not usually. Sometimes when I'm asleep, I do."

I shut my mouth, but he continued to question me, even though I obviously wasn't
answering. I won't repeat the rest of his questions, but he was persistent. And he followed me all
the way to the wall of Amergin's falsified Garden of Eden.

Holding my shirt bag of peaches in one hand, I stared up at the top of the wall,
wondering how I was supposed to get back over. Fiacha had said to use a stump but I couldn't
find one. All I had was my peaches and the ever questioning Ollam.

"I could boost ya," he said.

I eyed him suspiciously. "You could? You're just a boy."

He flexed non-existent muscles. "I'm stronger then I look."

"Guy! Is that you?"

"Fiacha, I can't get back over. I'm gonna throw the peaches, okay?"

"I'm ready," she called back.

I tossed the peaches, and shortly heard a mighty big "Oof!"

"Are you okay?"

"Fine." She sounded irritated. "You hit me with a bag of peaches."

"I warned you."

"Now get back over here!" Fiacha said.

"I don't know how," I called back, suddenly scared that I'd never get back over, and
Amergin would kill Cu and Bob out of spite.

"I said I'd boost ya," Ollam said again. He clasped his hands together. "Come on. It
doesn't hurt to try."

"Not me, anyway," I sighed, and put my foot in the stirrup made by his hands.

To my shock, I was suddenly flying through the air, hurtling over the wall. The ground,
my ever present best friend, rushed up to meet me. My head hit first and made an audible crunch.
I heard Fiacha gasp then I was out, once again, like a light.

I woke in my bed, covered in gold linens, with a pillow behind my head. Cu was sitting
at the edge of the bed, drinking a beer. My head was pounding once more, but I was surprised to
find that it was still dark. "What time is it?"

"About five in the morning," Cu said, tipping back his pint of beer. "You did it, you
know."

"Did what?" I muttered as I slowly sat up. "Got another concussion?"

"That, too. No, brought back peaches."

I smiled. "They survived the journey?"

"That they did," Cu said, grinning. "Look, kid, I've got to go down to the kitchen in a
few minutes. I don't have a clue if our plan will work or not, but it's a good plan. And you did
good. You gonna be okay?"

A few of his words reverberated in my head. Mainly "good," and "good." "I think I'll be
all right," I said. "Though I'm beginning to think I'll be living with a headache for the rest of my
life. Do I have to stay awake for twenty-four hours again?"

"Yep," Cu said, getting to his feet. "But Bob will stay up with you. You two only have a
couple more hours to rehearse your routine."

"Routine?" I said. I fixed my eyes on Bob, who was standing in the doorway between
his room and mine. "We have a routine?" I asked the horse.

Bob snorted and nodded, tossing his black mane.

"You think that will distract Amergin enough to not question what he's eating?"

Bob nodded again.

"Okay, buddy," I said. "Then let's do it."

Cu passed off the remainder of his beer to me and I downed the last few inches. "Fiacha
will send up breakfast for you and Bob," he said as he was leaving. "Beneath the napkin will be
the knife. I hope Amergin will be so pissed off by what we're feeding him that he won't have
time to think. You're gonna have to be fast."

I shook my head, thinking about everything that would come to pass this day. "Oh,
yeah," I said as Cu went out the door. "I met a kid on the other side of the wall."

"Ollam," Cu said. "Fiacha said to tell you that she's sorry she forgot to put him on the
map. He's the spirit of the waterfall. He didn't give you any trouble, did he?"

"Only chucked me over the wall and asked way too many questions," I said. "And tell
Fiacha that her map sucks."

"Will do," Cu said and retreated off down the hallway, headed for the kitchen.

I closed the door behind him and turned to Bob. "Ready, old fella?"

Bob neighed quietly.

"Okay, so you're not that old," I said. "Neither am I, but my head's been smashed up too
many times in recent days to make me as coherent as I used to be. So be gentle with me,
huh?"

Bob nodded once more. I went to him and patted his nose, and then we set about
planning our entertainment for the day.

* * * *

In the dining hall at ten o'clock, Bob and I stood in the center, tall, proud and completely
sure of ourselves. We probably should have been rethinking our options, but instead we were
ready to make complete fools of ourselves.

Or quite possibly rid this world of an evil wizard.

Before us was a giant hoop. Beyond that, Amergin sat in his throne, his chin in his hand,
contemplating the hoop. On a TV tray beside him sat a delicious looking meal he had yet to
touch.

My heart pounded in my chest and my brain pounded in my skull. Together they were
pounding out the tune of Pomp and Circumstance. I was pretty sure that our idea was not going
to work, but what other choice did I have? I kept reminding myself that this was all for a
mansion in Beverly Hills, complete with butler. What more could I ask for? Once Amergin was
dead, Cu and I could make our way back to his king and I could go home to my world. The
thought suddenly filled me with dread.