Fractious (26 page)

I did stop and order a fridge and stove, giving the dude an extra hundred to have them
delivered within twenty-four hours. I waited patiently at home until they arrived, and only then
did I go grocery shopping. I was starving because I hadn't eaten since the party in Murias. I
hadn't even thought about eating since arriving home. I was thinking about other things.

One word mattered to me out of all the other words Cu had ever said to me. "Friend."
Nobody since the second grade had ever called me that, and that was an incident of mistaken
identity. Balor had called me that, too. Fractious the mule thought of me as such. So did Fiacha
and so did Bob. And I could call all of them the same. And I'd left all that behind me for my own
world.

Why?

It felt right, being in my own realm. It felt so right to be driving a car, to be reading the
newspaper, to discover that I'd been away for over six months and my birthday had passed so I
could legally drink. I did have to go down to the DMV and explain my lack of license and the
time lapse between its loss and my attempt to get another. Only after making up a phony story
about losing my grandmother in Wisconsin and having to spend a few months hunting for her in
the woods
and
adding my car getting stolen then having to walk back to California,
which had taken me three more months, since I'd been kidnapped and raped, did the girl behind
the DMV counter take pity on me and let me apply for a new license. I think it was the rape lie
that did it. She even waived the fees.

With a piece of paper in my pocket stating that I indeed did exist and rightfully so, I
drove my little Toyota back to my home in Beverly Hills. I got lost once again but eventually
found my way after asking a few random people on the street, one of whom insisted I go with her
to see the bathroom where George Michael was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. Once inside
the bathroom, I finally understood why I was there, thanked her and left.

Upon arriving home, I was surprised to find that Mr. Belvedere had cooked me dinner. It
wasn't roast pig or bread and water, but the steak he made me was juicy and delicious. It was so
juicy that it didn't even need steak sauce. I was impressed.

A week passed. I was sitting alone in my big, empty house, as I had been almost every
day since arriving there. I still hadn't gotten around to buying any furniture, although I had found
an old sofa sitting in an alley way in a bad part of town. I tied it to the roof of my car and brought
it home. I was sitting on this crappy old sofa when there came a knock at the front door.

I moved to answer it, but Mr. Belvedere appeared and said, "I'll get it. There isn't
anything else to do around here, anyway. You should buy some furniture that I can at least dust.
I'm tired of cleaning the floors over and over and over..." He looked at me out of the corner of
his eye.

I rolled my eyes at him and watched him walk to the door. He opened it, took one look
at what seemed to be an empty porch, and shut the door.

"Fucked up, children," he muttered before retreating into the kitchen.

I got up and opened the door and grinned down at the little man in the bright green top
hat. "Sorry. He obviously can't see you. Want me to knock him on the head so he can?"

"Not really," Cu said. He peered around me at the disappearing form of my butler. "Nice
place you got here, Fractious."

"It's all right," I said. "It isn't in a tree, though."

"Which makes it a dump," Cu said. "Are you going to invite me in?"

I stepped away so he could step inside. He looked around at the high vaulted ceilings,
the marble stair case and the large bay windows. He whistled, low and long. "This place
rocks!"

I grinned. "Naw, it's pretty quiet."

"Who are you talking to, Guy?" Mr. Belvedere hollered from the kitchen.

I raised my eyebrows. "Um, I was just asking you if we had any beer?"

"Of course we have beer," Mr. Belvedere lost his fake accent for a moment. "We only
have beer. Want me to bring you one?"

"Two!" I called. "Out in the back, please."

"Certainly, Guy." Mr. Belvedere had regained his accent. "Just give me a moment."

I ushered Cu to the backyard and told him to sit. A few moments later, Mr. Belvedere
brought two bottled beers out to the backyard. He set them on a table between me and the person
he couldn't see, but he didn't question my want of two beers. I waited until he was out of sight
before I got up and closed the back door, which I usually left open, which meant there were more
flies in my house than furniture, but I didn't care. Now I just didn't want Mr. Belvedere to hear
me seemingly talking to myself. I handed Cu a beer and popped the top on mine.

"The pool was an added bonus," I said, gesturing to the pool with my beer. "Mac outdid
himself."

"Mac likes you," Cu said. "Besides, you did help me kill that wizard bastard." He drank
from his bottle, made a face then drank some more. "Very nice place you have here. Beer sucks
though."

I shrugged. "I like this beer," I said. "Besides, it could be worse. It could be
Corona."

Cu gave me a look, studying me carefully. "Can I say something?"

"Don't you always?"

"You don't look very happy here," Cu said.

I shrugged. "Happy isn't the word for it. It's a nice house, but..."

"There's nobody else here."

"It's just me."

"So get some friends."

"I'm not good at making friends," I said. "I never have been."

We sat out there, staring at the wavering surface of the very expensive pool that I'd yet
to even use, drinking beers in silence. It was a companionable silence, something I'd been
missing in my weeks away from the realm I'd forcibly discovered in a tree back in a park in New
York.

Cu apparently had the same kind of ideas. "Come back with me," he said suddenly.

I looked at him.

"Come back with me," he said again.

"What for?" I asked unexpectedly.

"Because I want you to," he said. "Because we had a good time. Because we can have
more good times." He paused, and then said, "Because I miss you. Bob misses you. Fiacha
misses you. Everybody misses you. Come back."

My eyes welled up with tears. "You don't have to ask me twice."

"I asked you like, five times."

I held up a finger. "But not twice."

I gave the deed to my house to Mr. Belvedere. He fell over when he saw that I'd signed
it over to him.

"What is all this?" my now former butler said.

"I'm going away. And I won't be coming back. Somebody has to get the house. You're
the only person I know. Party on, my friend." I knelt down next to where he'd fallen and clapped
him on the shoulder. I left him lying on the floor, drooling and mumbling incoherently.

Back to the bus stop, this time not getting lost, since I had my guide with me. Back to
the Watts bus bench. And back through the rock portal. After vomiting behind a tree, I joined Cu
and we traveled the minor distance back to Murias. And apparently they were waiting for
me.

The party lasted three days after I reappeared back in Murias. Everyone had too much
fun and no one went home. People fell asleep in the streets, drank themselves silly and fucked
behind buildings. I enjoyed every minute of it, especially the first minute.

The crowd parted before me and I half expected Mac to come sauntering out. Instead, a
very tall, very beautiful woman came towards me. Her smile lit her face up like a candle in a
window on a dark, stormy winter's night.

Everything fell away. I didn't see or hear the revelers of Murias, who'd use any excuse to
have a party. I didn't see anything but her. She was wearing a silky dress that covered her
shoulders and hung down to her knees. She looked like a sexy school marm, and I liked it very
much.

"You like it?" Crista said when she reached me. "Fiacha stitched it for me. Said it makes
me look hot."

"It does," I said, stopping before her, wanting to touch her but unable to do so.

"Look, Guy," she said sheepishly, "Cu told me about what you did. He told me that you
came up with the idea to kill Amergin. That you leaped through a ring of fire to do it. He told me
everything, and I know he lied to make you look good. You're a hero to everyone here. And I
know you didn't mean what you said back at Roger's camp."

I half smiled. "I didn't."

"I know."

"I'm glad he convinced you to come back."

"It didn't really take much convincing," I said. "I'd been waiting a whole week for him to
come and ask me to come back here."

She laughed. "Well, I'm glad you did."

Cu was suddenly at my side. "It was her idea. If I'd had my way, I'd have just let you
wallow in your empty mansion for a little while longer. Just to see you suffer."

I took his bright green top hat off his head and whacked him with it.

Cu snarled at me. "Okay, that's the only one you get. Get it?"

"Got it." To Crista, I said, "So are you staying?"

She nodded. "You?"

"If I can find a place to live, yeah."

She grinned. "No worries. You can stay with me." She gestured over to the far side of
the town. There stood a large home, much bigger than all the other homes in Murias. "Cu had it
built for me."

"Nice," I said, admiring the simply architecture of the home. It looked small but
cozy.

"There's room for two," she said, clasping her hands before her and twisting a bit.
"There's just something about this place, you know? Something that makes you never want to
leave."

"I know," I said. "I feel it." I glanced at Cu and gave him a smile.

Then I grabbed her by the back of her neck and brought her close so I could kiss her. I
planted my lips on hers and my tongue ventured between those lips, playing tag with her tongue.
This lasted for more than a few minutes, while the crowd of Tuatha Dé cheered wildly
behind us.

I felt Bob's tongue on the back of my neck but I ignored him, even when his spittle
began to drip down my back and wet my shirt. When it slid all the way to the crack of my butt, I
could ignore it no longer. I squirmed away from Crista, who was laughing, her bright eyes
glimmering in the sunlight.

I turned around and embraced my friend Bob, giving him a big kiss on his soft nose.
"Good to see you, too," I said.

He neighed.

I looked back at Crista. "Yeah, we might be doing that later."

Cu nudged my leg. He handed me a goat stomach canteen.

"What's this?"

"From Tara." He winked. "You can barely taste the goat stomach."

"You sure?" I said.

He nodded. "Yeah, you can barely taste the goat stomach. I promise."

I took the skin. "Thanks much, Cu," I said to him, trying to sound as thankful as I felt. I
jiggled the goat stomach canteen and heard water jiggling around in it. There seemed to be
plenty for all of us. "We can share."

Cu shook his head. "Nope. That is all yours. Fiacha and I can have fun without it."

Fiacha, who was standing off to the side, smiled broadly at me. She slapped Cu's butt to
get his attention.

With the skin in hand, I gave Crista a questioning look. "Wanna?"

"Let's," she said. "My hero."

"How am I your hero?" I said.

"You saved me from boredom," she said with a smile.

That was good enough for me.

As we walked away towards her home, the Tuatha Dé partying eternally behind
us, I said, "Seriously, what made you change your mind about me?"

"Cu told me how brave you'd been and that you jumped through a ring of fire on Bob's
back. Even if you didn't kill Amergin yourself, you still jumped through a ring of fire. How
could I resist that?"

"Are you going to make me do it again?" I said, a bit fearful.

"Yep. Bob's already agreed to it. He said he had so much fun the first time that he can't
wait to do it again. Mac's having the hoop made as we speak." She peered over her shoulder.
"Well, maybe not as we speak. I'm sure the smithy is somewhere in that mob."

"Good. Gives me more time with you."

She laughed and took the goat stomach canteen from me. She spun around, smiling fit to
split. "Come on, Fractious. We got water to drink and work to do!"

I found I didn't really care why she was doing it, only that she was happy and
smiling.

I looked back at my three friends, gathered at the edge of the celebrating crowd. Cu gave
me a thumbs up, his other arm wrapped around Fiacha's middle. Bob neighed and lifted a hoof. I
waved back, and then Crista dragged me into her home where we opened the canteen and drank
the water.

You can guess what happened then, and it didn't involve humping wooden poles.

Carrie Lynn Barker has been an avid writer since she first discovered the alphabet and
has never stopped writing. A California native since birth, she has spent many long hours
avoiding the sun, which consequently has led to the completion of many a novel. Fractious is her
first publication. She married the love of her life on Halloween in 2002 which led to the
production of an independent feature film called Wicked Bad, which reached completion in
2010. She is a fan of movies, books and tattoos, all of which she has many of.

* * * *

Uncial Press brings you extraordinary fiction, non-fiction and poetry. Put a world of
reading in your pocket.

www.uncialpress.com