Fragments (21 page)

Me: Are you awake? I need to see you.

Bea: I'm in bed. You okay?
             

My gut clenched as she showed concern that I don’t deserve.

Me: Can I come over?

Please don’t look desperate.

Bea: I have an early start, sorry.

She was still harbouring resentment, which burned me, but what did I expect after pushing her away? I knew it was what I deserved, but right now, I couldn’t leave it alone. I needed those eyes on me. I needed her to reassure me. I just needed her. So, selfish bastard that I was, I grabbed my jacket and put on my sneakers. Slipping my phone into my jacket pocket, I headed out the front door and began running to Bea's house. If I had to beg for her forgiveness, I would. If I could mend this friendship, I would.  A soulless man could hope, right?

I quietly climbed the stairs and walked along the porch to her window. The rain had gradually soaked my jeans and I shivered, but I was undeterred. I climbed the tree carefully and lightly tapped her window. Just as I was about to get my phone, she drew back her curtain and her eyes widened to see me standing there.
So am I, Bea-Bea.

She gestured for me to wait and I watched as she fiddled with the lock on her window before drawing it up slowly. I took in her appearance. Her legs were bare; she was just wearing a band T-shirt, The Smashing Pumpkins. I ran my eyes down her body, down her legs and up again. My heartbeat picked up when our eyes met. We stood there, staring at each other for a few beats before the wind whirled past and sent another shiver down my spine. She stood to the side so that I could climb through her window. I kicked off my sodden shoes, and quietly brought my legs into her room.

              Looking around, her room hadn’t changed much. A few posters were different, but it was still
Bea
. Her rocking chair, with its perfect view out the window, was covered in books and clothes, and I looked up to see that photo frames still lined the shelf. Stepping closer, I saw photos of her and her friends, along with the few she had of Robbie, her, and me when we were little. There was one of her in the middle blowing out her birthday candles, with Robbie, myself, and Lily all eagerly looking at the cake. The photo that took my breath away, though, was from her sixteenth birthday. The three of us were hanging out in the lounge room and Robbie and I were tickling her. All three of us were laughing really hard, but instead of looking like freaks with our mouths open, it was actually an excellent photo. Robbie leaned over the back of the couch, and I was next to her on the cushions. While Robbie looked down at her, Bea and I were laughing while looking directly at each other. It was a really happy moment. It filled me with sadness and regret to remember that, just a couple of months later, I left without saying goodbye.

              “How could I forget how important you were to me, Bea?”

It was barely a whisper, but she heard me and moved closer, standing by my side as we both gazed at the photo. All of my happiest memories were connected to her family; connected to her.

“When I moved away, I was leaving my shitty home life. What I didn’t realise was that I was leaving you and your family behind, too. I don’t deserve your friendship, Bea. I’m a selfish arsehole.” 

She blinked up at me and slid her arms around my waist. “You’re not selfish. You were trying to survive.”

Not one tear was shed during my father’s funeral, but now, now I could feel them running down my face and I was powerless to stop them.

“I’m so angry at him. I never got to tell him that he was a shitty father, or even get him some help so he could be a good father.”

The salty tears landed at the corner of my lips but I didn’t want to let go of Bea to wipe them away.

“What son doesn’t cry at his own father’s funeral? I’m a monster, like him; a piece of shit just like he said.”

I was pushed back suddenly and Bea confronted me with the most intense stare I’d ever seen.

“Don’t you dare” she hissed quietly, “even
think
of saying that bullshit again. You are not a monster. For fuck’s sake, he beat the living shit out of you on a regular basis. You can be as angry as you like!” She continued to glare at me while putting her hands on her hips.

“If you think for one moment that you should feel guilt, then think again. You were the
son
Alex; he was meant to love and nurture you. But he didn’t.
You
need to let go of your guilt and deal with it, release it. You are not him. You are the best guy I know and if I hear you say that shit about being a monster again, I will nuke your balls!”

              The last sentence was barely out of her mouth when I reached out and grabbed her. Pulling her close to me, I placed my hands on either side of her face and stared into her eyes. Her fury was still there and it spurred me on. Her words, her actions, ignited me in a way that I hadn’t felt in a long time, and I felt alive. Her eyebrows rose in confusion, but before she could ask me what I was doing, I leant forward and placed my lips against hers. She was soft and tasted like toothpaste. I held onto her face as my lips touched hers again and I gently swiped my tongue along her bottom lip. 

She jolted back and stared up at me. For a split second, I worried that I might have overstepped the boundary, but she smiled, grabbed the collar of my wet shirt and pulled me closer, slamming her lips against mine. Our mouths meshed and I felt the heat rise into my shoulders as I drew her closer. My tongue danced with hers as I tried desperately to get as close to her as I could. Our chests were pressed together and I could feel my heart thumping with anticipation. Each kiss, each stroke of her tongue against mine sent a signal right to my core. I wanted her. I craved her. The need was something I had never felt before. For once, this didn’t feel like I was just using someone as a distraction. It felt like I should have never strayed from her. Like I was coming home.

              The raindrops cascaded outside and the soft echo created a soundtrack to the beat of our kisses. Soft and frantic, yet somehow slow and intense. She felt like a slow burn that was building up to reach inside of me. I kissed away from her lips and along her jaw to below her ear. She sighed as I continued kissing along her neck. Her grip tightened on my shoulder as I kissed back to her lips. I couldn’t get enough of her taste. She intoxicated me. I tilted my head back and stopped kissing her to take a moment. It was too intense; I needed to gain control back. I looked into her eyes and saw them full of emotion that mirrored what was in my heart. I knew that I wasn’t worthy of that look, but I felt so damaged that I’d take it. Leaning forward, I brushed my lips again softly against hers.

Her gaze was as intense as mine.
I don’t deserve you,
I thought,
but I need you
.

             
My feet had a mind of their own, and I began gently leading her towards her bed. I didn’t want to push but my body had other plans. If she resisted, I’d walk away, but if she wanted me like I wanted her … there was nothing that would stop me. I was at her mercy. We stood by her bed and the kissing intensified. I felt her fingers loosen from my shoulders and begin drawing patterns along the wet fabric of my shirt. Her touch relaxed me, yet turned me on. I moaned into her mouth as she continued drawing endless patterns up and down my spine. A touch of cold air against my hip tickled as she dragged the hem of my shirt up. Not wanting to stop kissing her, I pulled away last minute to yank ferociously at my top, tearing it over my head and throwing it at my feet. Without kissing me again, she reached forward and lifted my undershirt over my head, leaving me bare-chested and breathing heavily. Her gaze was on me, tracing my skin with her eyes. I was at the cliff’s edge, waiting to leap but still unsure where she would be taking me.
Jump with me, Bea-Bea. Jump.

              Her hand reached out and with her fingers, she traced under my neck and down my chest, each finger leaving a trail of heat. I had to hold my legs with my hands to stop touching her. I knew that if I did, it could be over too soon. As she traced my skin, I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. My body felt like a coil, twirling and tightening and ready to leap. She removed her hands from my skin and I opened my eyes. She moved her hands to her T-shirt hem and slowly drew the material up and over her head. I was in a trance. She was there, standing in front of me, in just her black panties. Her creamy soft skin was bare and her breasts heaved with each breath she took.

“You are stunning,” I whispered. I was transfixed with her body. My eyes drank in her skin and I could barely keep my hands at my sides.

“Touch me, Alex; I need you to touch me … please.”

She shivered as I gently touched her shoulder.  My hands moved to her hips and squeezed them. I wanted to take this slowly but I knew once this started, it would be impossible to stop. I needed her too much. I released her hips and gently slid my hands up her sides to her face, down to her neck and eventually to her breasts. I leant forward and began kissing her neck, her shoulder, and as I left gentle kisses along her décolletage, I rubbed and squeezed her breasts, invoking a sigh from her. My lips gently kissed and sucked one breast while my hand squeezed the other, before I devoted the same care to the other side. I was consumed with her taste. As I laved her breasts, her fingers tightened in my hair at the back of my neck, holding me there. The pressure was too much, and I let go and grabbed her face in my hands and kissed her mouth. Her fingers moved to my jeans, slowly undoing the buttons. I let go of her face and held her hands still.

“Bea, I want you, I’m not going to lie. But, if you don’t want to take this further, please just leave my pants on. I can’t resist you if you take them off.”

              She smiled as she answered me by unzipping my jeans and pushing them off my hips. I was not wearing anything underneath, and heard her gasp as she stared right at me. I leant forward to kiss her lips, to calm her shock of seeing me. I gently moved my hands to her panties, and with a nod, began pulling them down her legs. They reached her ankles and she kicked them off to the side.

              We both stared at each other, naked and breathing heavily. Every inch of her was perfection and I couldn’t drag my eyes away from her body. I watched her as her gaze intensified as it travelled around my body, her need sounding in her escalated breathing. I reached forward and grabbed her hand and pulled her towards me in a scorching kiss. Our mouths began attacking each other and before I could get any further, Bea stepped away, sat on her bed and looked back at me. I didn’t see anyone but her as I walked towards her, licking my bottom lip as she shifted back and lay down facing me. I leant down and encased her body with mine, running my hands over her ribs as she trailed patterns on my skin with hers. I was done for. She leant up and kissed my lips, drawing my body closer to hers. Our bodies collided and moved against each other, and I longed to go further. I grabbed her hips and rubbed myself against her while kissing her neck and shoulders. She arched her back and moaned as I kissed down her chest, enjoying how I was making her feel. I kissed down to her navel and watched as her eyes fluttered and her breathing intensified. Looking up, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I couldn’t remember spending any time on a woman’s body like this—usually I only wanted a quick release—but with Bea, I wanted to go slower and take my time. I wanted to map her body with mine.

              “Please, Alex … I need you.” Her guttural moan led to my undoing.

“Anything you want, Bea, just ask me.” I said as I left butterfly kisses along her stomach and around her naval. She leant up and grabbed my face, and her flushed cheeks brought raw satisfaction to me.

“Alex, just take me now. I can’t wait any longer. Just do it!” she whispered. I

grinned at her wanton lips. Standing up, I retrieved my wallet from my jeans, taking a condom out. I rolled it on quickly and walked back to her. Leaning over her, my eyes trailed up her beautiful body as her breathing escalated.

“Bea, look at me. I want you to look at me.” I placed the tip of my cock at her entrance and looked at her one last time. She nodded, and I began to enter her slowly. I held in my breath as her body was like a vice around my cock, and I hissed at how tight she felt. She held her face in a grimace and took deep breaths.
FUCK!

“Bea, why didn’t you tell me?” She opened her eyes and put her hand against my cheek.

“I wanted it to be you. Just keep going.” Slowly, ever so slowly, I pushed against her resistance and entered her fully. We both gasped as I was finally inside. Her fingers gripped my shoulders tightly, drawing me in closer. Looking down at her, with her hair against her pillow and her swollen lips, I knew she’d never looked more beautiful.

“I have to move, Bea … Can I move?”

She sighed and nodded. “Yes, please, just go … slowly. It’s a bit sore.”

The last thing that I wanted to do was hurt her, so ever so slowly, I drew back and slowly re-entered her. She gasped on the contact and I tilted my hips forward to slowly recapture her in gentle thrusts. Her fingers gripped onto my shoulders, her fingernails digging into my flesh. I wanted her to brand me. I began kissing her and soothing her moans with my tongue. I couldn’t get enough of her; I had never felt like this.