Freakshow (11 page)

“Lucille’s dangerous, you should have never been left with her,” he said. He was angry again, but this time his face was distant, he was rolling an idea over in his mind.

“It was just an accident. But that’s how your father found out about my disorder.”

“Talent,” he said, “we call it talent around here.”

“I’ve noticed, but really it’s no talent. It’s a genetic anomaly.”

“You are not an anomaly,” he said and cupped my face in his large, rough hands. These were the hands of a man who wasn’t afraid of hard work, the hands of the type of man my mother had always said to marry. She always told me if a man wasn’t afraid to work hard, I’d never be neglected. His voice was deep and intense when he said, “You are beautiful, mysterious, a little bit skittish...but not an anomaly. Never say that.”

“I don’t mean it in a negative way, it just is what it is,” I replied, unable to tear my eyes away from his. My own eyes were green, a stark contrast to my pale skin and dark hair. His were deep, rich warm brown and at the moment they seemed endless. A portal to a secret world, his internal world, I wanted to go there.

“It’s a negative word,” he said and leaned over me, not breaking eye contact. “You don’t deserve anything but goodness and light in your life, Liv. Never sell yourself short.”

The power with which he said it left my breathing shallow and my pulse rapid. I could feel his intent behind those words, his kindness and force. “Okay,” was all I could say.

And then he kissed me.

I had almost been expecting it when he leaned over me, but it still took me by surprise. He pulled me close with one hand behind my back, under my thick, long hair and the other still cupped my face.

His beard tickled. It really tickled, but it rubbed my skin and woke up sensations I’d not felt before.

His lips were exactly as delicious as I’d imagined. He tasted of coffee and mint, they were thick and soft, pliable and forceful at the same time.

His tongue was demanding, pinning mine down, claiming my mouth as its territory and demanding I submit.

I would have fought such entitlement with previous boyfriends, flings and one night stands. I would have taken affront to such presumption, that I was
that
kind of girl. I never had been, I would have wrestled their tongue with my own, pushed their hands down under mine, and become the aggressor to put them in their place.

With Cairo, I was
exactly
that kind of girl. The kind who held onto his strong forearms for dear life to prevent myself from toppling over on trembling knees.

The kind who was breathless in anticipation, awaiting his next move, his next command. The kind who did submit to him, to everything about him. My body was his, and every cell in it tingled and felt perfectly aligned to his.

I
felt
it.

He was so much a man that any trace of my tomboy nature was chased out the window, and in its wake was a weak, breathless, giddy girl.

I couldn’t help myself, I moaned. My body was warm from my deep center, radiating out in waves of goodness. His scent was intoxicating, musky and deep, sweat and hard work and masculinity.

He was all man, and he was invading my every sense.

I couldn’t feel pain, but I could feel
him
, and good god, I wanted more.

T
he day after the kiss was a fog for me. We’d pulled apart when Rose came looking for me. My cheeks had been flushed red and I’d stuttered an excuse to Rose and Cara and feigned illness to rush back to our trailer and go to bed.

Of course I hadn’t been ill, but I’d lain under my covers and replayed the kiss over and over in my head until I’d fallen asleep.

I was able to stay in bed a little too long and had killed time trying to find any information I could about Cairo. I wasn’t able to find much, I wasn’t even sure if he shared his father’s last name, Rojas. I did find some information about his return to the circus on a website devoted to circus news. Strange that there was such a thing, I never would have imagined it.

There was a knock at the door just after I finished my shower. I yelled, “Hang on,” and pulled on a pair of yoga pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I opened the door and found Orion standing there.

“I would like to go over your routine,” he said, “follow me now.”

I scrambled to slip on my shoes and ran after him. He was the kind of man you didn’t say no to. At least not directly to his face, in regards to Cairo, I would tell him no a million times over.

It was disconcerting to me, the tents were all arranged in much the same was as they had been in Vancouver, but everything was just slightly off. Orion was fast, his strides lengthy. I had a hard time keeping up with him and was relieved when he stopped at the performers tent.

He swept open the door flap and strode up to the stage. “Everyone leave,” he announced. People rushed away, picking up their equipment and costumes as they exited. They glanced at me as they passed, a mixture of curiosity and confusion on their faces.

I stood facing Orion in the center of the stage and waited for him to speak.

He looked me up and down and I was sure he found me lacking. His expression was unreadable, but he exhaled a sigh full of impatient disgust.

“What do you want me to do?” I asked, my defiant streak kicking in.

“I’m going to use you in my act. You will be outfitted with a costume and have a medic on standby in case of serious injury.”

“What is your act?”

“I throw knives,” he said slowly and stretched his mouth into the semblance of a smile. He tore off his jacket and revealed a double knife belt, knives of several different varieties tucked along them.

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” I said under my breath. Of all the things he could want to do with me, knives were the one thing I truly hated. Knives represented danger to me from day one. Knives represented stabbing and cutting and accidents beyond count, rending limbs and slicing off fingers. Every fear I’d tucked away since my childhood came rising to the surface and I backed away from him. “No way,” I said, “I can’t do it.”

“Stop,” he replied in a low forceful voice. I obeyed. I hated that I obeyed, but he had that power over people. From his own son and second in command, all the way down the food chain at Cirque, people jumped when Orion commanded it.

I held up my arms, with the bandage and myriad of scars and puckered flesh from wounds long past. “Knives and I don’t mix,” I said, “I can’t risk it. I won’t feel it if you hit anything.”

“That’s the point,” he said and slowly withdrew the longest knife from the bottom of the belt. The sound of metal on leather was like a snake on sand. A dry hiss of warning and it set my nerves on edge.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I want to cut you, for the show,” he said and crossed the stage between us in three long strides. “I want to hit you at some point, to get the crowd on the edge of their seats. I want to make you bleed.”

“That’s not a show, that’s sick,” I said and shook my head, my thick waterfall of hair falling around my face like a defiant horse’s mane.

“The way I see it, you don’t have much choice,” Orion told me, his face close to mine now. He smelled similar to Cai, as if they used the same soap, but on Orion the musky scent of masculinity was menacing. Where Cai would take me and fuck me like a man, Orion might tear me apart like a feral dog. I reached up and rubbed the spot where he’d cut me before, a reminder of what he represented.

“I can leave,” I replied, keeping my voice calm but the tremble in it belied my fear.

“Where will you go?” he asked. “You have no money, no reason to be in the US and no passport. You might have forgotten that you deposited your passport with HR for safekeeping but I haven’t.”

“I don’t need a passport or a reason to be here,” I replied, “I’ll go back to Canada.”

“You’re here illegally for all they know,” he said. “You’ll be taken into custody the moment you hit the border.”

“It isn’t like we’re in the Middle East, I’ll tell them what happened.”

“And I’ll deny you ever gave us your passport. Or I’ll tell them we fired you for drug use. Your choice.”

“I’ll talk to Cairo about this,” I said, scrambling at life preservers.

“He won’t defy me,” Orion said, “I’m the master of this pack and my son understands the natural order of things around here.”

“You fucking bastard,” I said and felt hot tears sting the back of my eyes. “I’ll go back to selling tickets.”

“I won’t let you,” Orion said. “I need you for this.” His face was calm, but his eyes revealed a madness, a singular determination to get exactly what he wanted.

And right now, he wanted me.

“Can I think about it?” I asked. “Please give me a day?”

“You can think all you want, but meet me here tomorrow morning at ten. We will begin rehearsals and you will need to be ready in four days. We’re going live on Friday night.”

“Okay,” I replied and turned to leave.

“Olivia,” he said. I stopped and looked back at him. “Enjoy yourself tonight, we’re having a bit of a celebration.”

I nodded and said, “Thanks.”

“But stay away from my son.”

“I hadn’t planned on going anywhere near him.”

“I think we both know that’s a lie. I’m warning you now, that he’s not for you. I will not fight you for control of him, it will only anger me and you will lose.”

I didn’t know how to respond, so I did what I could to maintain my dignity, turned and walked away.

*****

“I
can’t believe you’re going to be part of Orion’s performance,” Rose said. “That’s so scary and amazing.”

We were getting ready for the Cirque staff event. Every time the Cirque made it to a new city and set up, the night before opening was reserved for relaxation and fun. I thought we all could use a little of both.

“I’m more scared than amazed though,” I replied and leaned in to apply my mascara. I rarely wore makeup but was making an effort tonight. Being surrounded by showgirls and glamourous performers made one want to step up one’s game.

So I told myself. I also wanted to prove to Cairo that I wasn’t all tomboy. As much as I had protested and claimed I was, I had a compulsion for him to see my feminine side.

I even borrowed a dress from Cara, a red sequined thing that apparently made my dark hair and eyes
pop
according to both of them.

I sat back and assessed myself in the mirror and was actually pleased with the results. I knew I was an attractive girl, I knew it because of the way people treated me and responded to my presence. I just never
felt
attractive and there was a difference.

Tonight, I felt it. My dark eyes were lined with smoky eye shadow and my lashes looked about a mile longer than usual. My cheeks were flushed pink with excitement...and booze...and my lips were painted a dark red to match the dress.

“Wow, you’re fucking hot,” Cara said when I came out of the bathroom.

“Holy shit girl, why do you hide all that from the world?” Rose asked and handed me another glass of wine.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “I don’t like a lot of attention I guess.”

“Well, you’re going to get it tonight,” Rose told me. “Speaking of attention, are you ever going to tell us the details about kissing Cairo?”

“There isn’t much to tell,” I said. “We were interrupted.” I stared pointedly at Rose who squirmed under my accusation.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” she protested.

“It’s all right, you saved me from doing something stupid,” I said.

“Why stupid? As long as you are both on the same page, and you know he’s not the type to settle down, what’s the big deal?” Rose asked.

“I guess there’s no big deal. But...” I trailed off. I wanted to tell them about Orion’s command to stay away, but was embarrassed that he thought so little of me that he’d order me to leave Cai alone.

“But what? You can’t leave us hanging.” Cara said.

“Orion kinda told me to leave Cairo alone,” I admitted.

“Fuck that, it’s not
his
dick, right?” Cara blurted and the three of us giggled.

“That’s true, Cai’s a grown ass man who can make his own decisions,” Rose said. “Here’s to grown ass men making the
right
decisions.” She held her glass up and the three of us toasted to it.

I just hoped that Cairo really was man enough to make his own decisions. Now that the drink had cocooned me in a fuzzy glow, I couldn’t wait to see him and find out.