Freakshow (7 page)

We left the restaurant and found ourselves walking in a light rain on a very busy sidewalk. I hooked my hand in his arm again like it was the most natural thing in the world. I didn’t even bother to limp slightly, pretending my knee hurt as an excuse to touch him. I needed to hold him so I didn’t run, although every time I was jostled towards him by the crowd, I felt jumpy, like I was a frightened horse about to bolt.

“This is nice,” I finally admitted, “Thank you for taking me out.”

“Any time, Miss Normal,” he said, “I hate to admit it, but I don’t get out that much either. Work keeps me pretty involved and we travel so much I don’t get to explore each city as much as I’d like to.”

“What do you do exactly?” I asked, “I mean for the Cirque. You eat fire and all that, but what else?”

“My father is the showman of the family, don’t get me wrong, I love my fire act, but he relies on me for the business end of things. I handle the logistics of moving the entire Cirque from place to place, I oversee payroll, human resources, permits, insurance...okay I can already see your eyes rolling back in your head. Yes, I deal with all the boring shit.”

“I swear I was just trying to stop a sneeze,” I said and held my finger to my nose. The familiar tickle surfaced again and I couldn’t help myself, I sneezed with a tiny expulsion of noise, like a dying mouse under a heavy boot.

“Fuck,” he said and I raised my brows “You even sneeze beautifully. Is there anything you don’t do well?”

“Oh so very much,” I laughed and took his arm again when he offered it. “But seriously, I don’t think that’s the boring side of things, it’s the necessary side of things. It’s admirable that you’re putting your own life on hold to keep everything together.”

“So many people rely on the Cirque,” he said, “it’s not like most of them could go get a job in an office if we shut down, you know? I can’t leave them hanging, not when most of them are like family. If we didn’t take care of them, they’d probably be hunted...” his voice trailed off and he let the sentence hang unfinished.

“Hunted?” I said, “It’s not the eighteen hundreds, that doesn’t happen anymore, does it?”

“No, of course not,” he replied, a little too fast. “I was just being melodramatic.”

I wondered what he’d been about to say, but I was truly impressed with how much he had taken on and for all the right reasons. I felt almost ashamed that I had fled my own sister the moment I was old enough, but what else could I have done?

I sometimes thought about my sister, what her life was like now, but never had the courage to send her a text or add her on Facebook. It felt unnatural to reach out to the woman who blamed me for our parent’s death. They’d been driving home from yet another series of my medical appointments when they’d been hit head on by a drunk driver.

I’d been in the hospital at the time it happened, and hadn’t been able to get out for months. By the time I got back, their farmhouse was sold and my sister was living in a one-bedroom apartment close to the college. I was an unwelcome guest, and had hung around long enough for it to be legal to leave.

I wondered what it would be like to have a family as close as Cairo’s, even if his father was a bit odd. I wanted to meet his sisters soon, to gauge him as a brother and find out more about him as a man.

We made it back to the Cirque long after the last SkyTrain would have left. I was totally fine with it though, I let Cairo walk me to my trailer like a nineteen fifties teenager. The tension was thick between us when we parted ways, but we seemed to agree on an unspoken understanding that we wouldn’t take it there yet. We wouldn’t take it to the next level with a kiss.

As disappointed as I was, I was grateful for this, as it allowed me to calm the part of me that wanted to run. It allowed me to come down so to speak, to take a deep breath and look at the situation logically.

I lay on my bed, surprised at how comfortable and homey my room was, and came to one simple conclusion just before I fell asleep.

Where Cairo was concerned, logic held no power. In a realm ruled by my increasingly uncontrollable heart, sensible decisions were trampled under the fierce pounding of my heart as I thought about his lips, his tongue, and those eyes. Those damn eyes of his.

Logic was gone, and chaos seemed about to rule.

I
didn’t see Cairo when I went to breakfast the next morning, and he was sorely missed all day as our paths didn’t seem to cross even once.

I told Erica all that had happened, and protested when the other girl didn’t believe me that I hadn’t even kissed our hot boss. I promised to tell her the moment anything happened, and the two of us made plans to go for drinks before we left Vancouver.

I took the SkyTrain home after my shift and felt a little bit lonely once I got back to my apartment.

I convinced myself it was logical to let the place go, the Cirque was leaving in nine days and it seemed perfectly reasonable to give up my apartment and most of my belongings and hit the road with them.

I craved Becs’ advice, and I loathed my friend for ruining our friendship. I half considered texting her and forgiving her just to have somebody to talk to. I wanted to go on and on about Cairo and his muscular arms, his gorgeous tattoos and the fact that he seemed almost as interested in me as I was in him.

I couldn’t fathom sharing him with Becs though, there was a stab of jealousy when I thought about the two of them meeting and I felt a little rage tantrum build when I thought about Becs scooping Cai from under my nose the way she had with Jason.

I checked my phone and Becs hadn’t texted that day. Or the last couple of days. I wondered if Becs had finally gotten the hint, or if she’d finally decided to move in with Jason and every drop of guilt had been fucked out of her by then.

Either way, I made myself okay with it. I had no other choice really, I didn’t want either one of them back in my life at this point other than as an audience for my tales of Cairo’s amazing self. And if I needed people for that, I would make new friends elsewhere.

I packed up a few personal mementos and looked around the place.

Once it had felt bright and cheery, and I’d taken great pride in having an apartment of my own.

Now it felt dingy and cold, I could see dust motes dancing in the light of a lamp and saw finger marks in the layer of dust on the nightstand.

It wasn’t much bigger than the room the Cirque provided for me, and it was much less luxurious.

I went to my dresser and packed anything I’d worn in the past six months and stuffed the rest into garbage bags for goodwill. I did the same with my closet and gained momentum as I moved from room to room.

Within a couple hours my apartment was almost packed. I was a little saddened to realize that there wasn’t much keeping me in Richmond after all.

I went to my neighbour’s apartment and knocked, knelt and petted her friendly little cat one last time.

“Can I help you?” the neighbor asked as she opened her door. The cat sped through my legs and disappeared into the apartment.

“I’m moving,” I blurted with no ceremony. “Do you need anything?”

“What have you got?” the girl asked suspiciously. I suddenly hated this about the city. Even in my condition, I had a sense of community growing up in a small farming town. After my parent’s death, I’d lost the connection I’d had with my friends as I’d been driven into myself by my sister’s constant taunts.

I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed it until this past week, with the people from Cirque. They’d welcomed me into their midst, in spite of me being normal to them. I wanted that community again, I wanted family.

“A little of everything, you wanna come take a look?” I asked.

The girl hesitated, then grabbed her keys and said, “Yeah, sure.”

I lead her back to the apartment and stood inside. The girl walked in, looked around and said, “Where’s the stuff?”

“Everything,” I said and pointed to my three suitcases, “except that pile.”

“Everything? Are you kidding?” the girl asked.

“Not kidding, I’m moving, it’s all yours if you want it.”

“My name’s Tia,” she said and stuck out her hand. I shook it and smiled.

“Liv,” I replied, “sorry we never spoke before this.”

“Me too,” Tia agreed. “I keep my head down in the city though, you know? People are such weirdos and you just never know who’s going to end up being some crazy stalker.”

I laughed, “Can’t argue with you there.”

“So where are you moving to?” Tia asked and started loading up my things. It was disconcerting, watching the other girl take my stuff away, but it was freeing at the same time. I wasn’t really attached to any of it, even the mementos given by boyfriends or my former best friend, Becs. It was almost cathartic, a rebirth. I was shedding my old skin and becoming something new.

“I’m running away and joining the circus,” I replied.

Tia laughed as though she thought it a joke. I didn’t bother explaining.

Tia called a couple friends over and the five of us hauled the contents of my apartment to Tia’s over the course of a couple hours. Tia’s looked like a thrift store by the time we were done, but she seemed pleased to receive the contents of my unwanted life.

To thank me, Tia and her friends insisted on buying me dinner, then drinks and more drinks. At the end of the night, Tia offered me the couch for the night now that I was essentially homeless.

It was strange, falling asleep on my cast-off sofa, room spinning from too much vodka and a familiar cat purring on my chest as I dozed.

I should have really talked to Tia months ago.

I smiled and drifted off, a brand new life was waiting for me in the morning.

*****

I
crept out before anyone was awake, including the cat. I left my apartment keys on the counter in my former kitchen, texted my landlord and effectively gave my notice. I didn’t bother leaving a forwarding address, he would probably keep my damage deposit anyways.

I took the earliest SkyTrain to the station nearest the Cirque and wandered through the front gates at a little after seven in the morning. Carl’s boyfriend nodded at me as I walked by, like there was absolutely nothing going on.

Like I hadn’t just gone completely mad, dumped all my shit on my neighbor, and packed just enough to survive on the road.

Like I hadn’t just given up the life I knew to take a chance on the life that might be. Like I hadn’t just given up my solitude for a chance at community.

My heart was pounding by the time I got to my trailer and unpacked, putting my clothes in my new dresser and closet, and curled up on what was to be my bed until I felt it was time to leave.

I had done it. I had changed my life for the better. I hoped.

And there was a little voice in the back of my head whispering that I would be closer to Cairo now, I would be able to spend time near him and see what happened.

If anything. The dominant voice scoffed at my dreaming and thought I’d be better off worrying about life with a bunch of people I hardly knew. Or the fact that I’d packed it all in to search for a surrogate family.

Perhaps my biggest worry should be whether or not I had ever fully dealt with the death of my parents and my sister’s subsequent attacks.

Or Becs’ betrayal. Jason’s cruel words.

Any of it really.

Or was I simply pulling a groundhog and diving back in my hole every time the going got rough.

I heard a tap at my door and said, “It’s open.”

A pretty blonde girl peeked in and said, “Hi, are you going to be living here now?”

“I guess,” I replied, “I mean, yes, definitely.”

“I’m Cara, I work concession. I think we’ve met,” she said with a bright smile.

“Oh yeah, we have,” I replied, “I’m Liv. I’m at the front doing tickets.”

“Awesome, well I’m glad you’re here and decided to join us. Any time we have new hires in a city, we’re all pretty much expecting them to bolt the minute we pack it up to leave.”

“Oh, people do that?” I replied and did my best to sound duly scandalized, hiding my own original intentions to flee.

“You wouldn’t believe how many,” Cara told me. “And heading into the US, we need everybody on board. It’s tough to hire once we’ve crossed the border.”

“Well, I wouldn’t think of ditching,” I assured her. “I just had to settle things with my apartment.”

“Cool. Well, I’m making coffee if you want some. There are three of us in this trailer, you, me and Rose. You’ll meet her soon enough but she’s not a morning person. We all chip in for the basics, like coffee and snacks. Are you okay with that?”

“I don’t have much until I get paid, can I get you the money in a few days?”

“Not a problem,” Cara said, “we’ve all been there. I’ll see you in a few.”

She shut the door and I couldn’t believe my good luck, Cara seemed nice. I’d never had a roommate, other than the month Becs had crashed with me when I moved out here, but this could be nice. Part of my new life, my new community thing.

Cara and I had a chance for a brief visit before Cara’s shift. I didn’t start work for a few more hours, so I decided to take some time and explore the parts of Cirque I hadn’t seen yet.