Free For Him (3 page)

When Sarah went into work on Monday, she was still on a high from seeing Chris. Part of her still couldn’t believe it had been him in the flesh. He had been sweet and kind and everything she hoped for, but she couldn’t get her hopes
too
high.

By the time Saturday rolled around, Sarah felt like she was going to jump out of her skin. She hadn’t been able to focus at work at all. In fact, she was a little surprised her boss hadn’t fired her when she misfiled three forms in a row.

Still, somehow she managed to make it through the week and now she was going to meet Chris.

They’d been texting and messaging all week and she realized that Chris hadn’t just been jerking her chain. He really
had
been flirting with her, coming onto her, making her feel like she was special to him.

She tried not to think too much about him as she parked her car at the entrance to the cemetery and climbed out. She was a few minutes early, so she’d wait for Chris to arrive. He would probably be right on time. Military guys always were.

Sarah tried to take deep breaths and keep her hands off her belly. The baby had been more active than usual lately and it was hard not to touch herself every time she felt a bump or kick. She would tell Chris in time. She’d tell everyone, but not yet. Not today. Today was about Garrett.

A  white SUV pulled up near her and she stepped out of the way automatically, but it stopped and the window rolled down.

“You lost, little lady?” A friendly voice called out.

“Nice, Staff Sergeant Awesome,” she said, and climbed in the passenger side of Chris’ car. She turned to him and motioned forward. “Shall we?”

She pointed out the different turns at the cemetery. It was tricky to find your way around, but Sarah had come every weekend since her brother was buried.

“Right up here,” she pointed, and Chris pulled the SUV over. They got out and started walking toward Garrett.

“Was it a nice ceremony?” Chris asked quietly.

“Yeah, it was really nice. A lot of people came.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

“You were there for him when it mattered most.” Chris had been with Garrett when he died. At least, that’s what everyone told her. Chris hadn’t said much either way about it.

They reached the stone with her brother’s name, and Sarah knelt in the grass in front of it. To her surprise, Chris followed suit. He touched the stone and whispered something she couldn’t hear. Then they just sat there.

Garrett had been an amazing brother. Sure, he was the popular one and the smart one and the perfect one, but he had never let any of that go to his head. He’d always been good to Sarah. He’d always looked after her. Even when he was deployed, he’d always taken the time to see how she was doing, what she was up to.

He was the only one she’d told about the baby.

And now she was lonely.

She felt Chris’ hand on her shoulder and she looked up, only to realize she’d been crying.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I always get like this here.”

“He was a good man,” Chris said. “And he talked about you all the time. Did you know that, Sarah? Did you know he missed you more than anything?”

“I know,” she confirmed. “He told me every day.” She hesitated, then decided she should be brave and just go for it. “Chris? Do you want to…you know? Talk about that day?”

“Honey, not a day goes by that I don’t think about that day. It just hurts. That’s why I didn’t call you guys when I got back from Afghanistan. It’s why I didn’t email you after the accident. I should have. I’m sorry that I left you hanging.”

“I just wanted to know you were okay.” Sarah might have gone a little overboard with her own emails. Even after Garrett’s death, she had messaged Chris, checked on him, asked him how he was.

She missed their friendly banter and playful conversations .

She missed him.

“I should have reached out sooner, but I felt guilty.”

“For what?”

“For living.” He sighed, then sat back and crossed his legs, still staring at Garrett’s grave. “My therapist says it’s normal, but it doesn’t feel normal. It feels wrong. I was in the same convoy, but a different vehicle. Doesn’t seem fair to me that my best friend died and I was left alive. There was barely a scratch on me, but Garrett’s vehicle? It was destroyed. All those men died.”

“And you were there.”

“I was there. Sarah, I don’t want to talk about that day because I can’t stand to think about it. And as much as I can’t stand to think about it, sometimes it’s
all
I think about. Late at night, I think about it. When I’m alone, I think about it. When I see a car driving too fast, I think about it. Garrett’s gone and it’s left a hole in my heart. He was my brother.”

Sarah placed her hand on Chris’. She wasn’t sure if she was allowed to or not. She wasn’t sure if that was okay, but Chris didn’t move. They sat there for awhile, hand-in-hand, just watching her brother.

“I talk to him sometimes,” she admitted. “I’ve never told anyone that.”

“Me too.”

Sarah didn’t know how long they sat there, but after awhile, Chris stood and helped her to her feet. They went back to his car and he drove them out of the cemetery. He stopped at her car and she gave him a quick hug, then hopped out.

When she got in her car, she finally let the tears out. Her brother was gone. Chris was right when he said Garrett shouldn’t have died, but he was wrong in thinking he should have taken his place. Chris shouldn’t have taken his place.

She only wished she could tell him her secret, tell him what she was afraid of when
she
was alone at night.

She was about to be a mother and no one knew.

And no one could help her.

When Sarah got home, she took a shower and a nap, then got online. Chris was on chat. She hesitated for just a moment, then decided that today was a day for going after what she wanted. For too long, she’d waited for other people to make their moves. Today was her chance to try something. Today was the day for being brave. Maybe she and Chris would never be more than friends, but maybe they could be a lot more.

She wouldn’t know unless she tried.

CutieFrog:
Hey stranger.

StaffSergeantAwesome:
What’s up, beautiful?

CutieFrog:
Just saw you were on and thought I’d say hello…

StaffSergeantAwesome:
Thanks for letting me come with you today to the cemetery. It was good to see him.

CutieFrog:
Anytime.

StaffSergeantAwesome:
What are you doing now?

CutieFrog:
Just woke up from my NAP since I’m about 2 years old. J/K. But really, I just woke up from my nap.

StaffSergeantAwesome:
You’re adorable

CutieFrog:
I like to think so

CutieFrog:
What about you?

CutieFrog:
Any big plans tonight?

StaffSergeantAwesome:
I’ve got a hot date

CutieFrog:
Oh?

StaffSergeantAwesome:
With a bottle of cheap wine and a pizza.

CutieFrog:
Ha! Drinking alone? Was your day really that bad? You got to spend time with meeee. I thought that would make it awesome.

StaffSergeantAwesome:
What would be awesome is if you were here

CutieFrog:
Nothing’s stopping me…but I didn’t get an invite

StaffSergeantAwesome:
Consider this your invite

Sarah stared at her computer. Was this really happening? Chris Miles just invited her over and she had basically begged him to.

CutieFrog:
Do you think it’s a good idea?

She bit her lip nervously as she waited for him to respond. She was being crazy and rash and all sorts of things.

She was about to have a baby, for goodness sake. A baby! And it wasn’t Chris’. And Chris had no idea. And a mother-to-be had no business dating or flirting with guys or going over to their houses.

But oh, Sarah wanted to.

She had wanted Chris for as long as she could remember. She’d told Garrett about it one drunken night. He’d been decidedly quiet on the topic, but promised not to say anything to Chris about it. She felt bad for putting her brother in the middle of things, bad for telling him she was falling for his best friend.

The truth was that she and Chris shared a certain bond now, though. No one could really understand what it was like to lose someone you loved more than anything else. No one could know what it felt like to have to say goodbye to your best friend unless they’d lost theirs.

And Chris had.

And so had she.

StaffSergeantAwesome:
I think it’s the best idea I’ve ever had

CutieFrog:
What’s your address?

StaffSergeantAwesome:
I thought you’d never ask

She jotted down his house number and ran to her bedroom to change. She tried three different outfits before she finally settled on black leggings and a pink tunic shirt. She was all about baggy shirts these days. She knew they made her look fat, but looking fat was better than looking pregnant when you weren’t ready to tell anyone.

She couldn’t drink, obviously, but she could come up with any number of excuses for that.
I’m dieting
or
it’s against my religion
could work, right?

Sarah tried not to think too much about what it was going to be like to be alone – really alone – with Chris for the first time. She was nervous and anxious and just a little bit horny. Stupid second trimester. Her doctor had warned her this would happen. It did to everyone, she had said.

Still, Sarah had managed to get by with just her dildo and her favorite dirty books this entire time. She wasn’t so naïve to think that Chris would want to fuck her tonight, or at all. After all, maybe he considered her to be off limits. Maybe he thought she was just his friend’s little sister and nothing more.

She didn’t know.

What she did know was that after tonight, nothing was going to be the same as it was before. No matter what happened, no matter how much fun they had and whether or not they fooled around, hanging out alone was a big step. No matter what anyone said, it was important to Sarah.

And Chris was important to her.

She took a deep breath and knocked on the door. He opened it a few seconds later. Shirtless, he was wearing only sweatpants and a smile. He had a bottle of wine in his hand.

“Hey gorgeous,” he slurred. “Come on in.”

“You’re drunk,” she said, and he nodded. He didn’t say anything else, though, just moved aside so she could squeeze in.

She slipped through the narrow doorway into the tiny house.

“Nice place,” she commented.

“It’s a rental,” he said, and headed back into the living room. She closed the door and followed him into the white-and-blue room. The floral-patterned couch looked out of place in what was otherwise a rather masculine space. He had a large TV with several gaming consoles and a couple of bookshelves that were full.

A pizza was on the coffee table and Sarah’s stomach rumbled embarrassingly loudly.

“Have a seat,” he motioned toward the couch and grabbed a piece of pepperoni. He put it on a paper plate and passed it to her, then sat down beside her. His body pressed next to hers. Despite the lengthy couch, he had chosen to sit directly next to her.

Sarah tried to focus.

Just eat the pizza. Just one bite at a time. Just think about your pizza and not how much you want to straddle his thighs.

“Oh, fuck me,” Chris groaned and dropped his head into his hands. “What are you doing to me, Sarah?”

Shit.

She hadn’t meant to say those things out loud.

“Um…dammit, I’m sorry.” She flushed. “I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry. I, um…I should go.” She stood awkwardly and looked at him for a second before turning to leave, but he called her back.

“Sarah, don’t go. It’s fine. It’s just…” He paused, searching for the right word. She moved back toward the couch, but didn’t sit. She just stood beside it with her hand on the back.

Chris looked troubled. She’d seen the same look in the mirror many times over the last few months.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have come over. It’s not really fair to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re a great guy, Chris. You’re a great guy and I’m…complicated. My life is a mess. You really have no idea just how messed up it is.”

“Can’t be worse than mine.”

“I’m pregnant,” she blurted out, and instantly wished she could take the words back.

“What?” He looked up at her, dropping his hands from his chin. “What?” He repeated, as if he wasn’t quite sure he had heard her correctly.

“I’m going to have a baby. That’s why I shouldn’t be here. I’m sorry. I’ll just go,” she turned again, but before she reached the doorway, she felt his hand on her arm. She allowed herself to be gently tugged back to the couch. Then he sat and yanked her into his lap.

“Do your parents know?”

She shook her head.

“No one knows. There was…there was never a good time to tell anyone.” She teared up and felt stupid. She wished she wasn’t tempted to cry. What the hell was wrong with her? It was just a baby.

It’s not like she was the first person to ever get pregnant at an inconvenient time.

But then, that was just it.

She was pregnant at an inconvenient time.

And the one person she could trust with her secret, the one person she knew would understand, the one person she wanted to talk to more than anyone else, was gone.

And he wasn’t coming back.

“Garrett knew.” Chris commented. He slowly pet her hair. The gesture made her feel like a sweet little princess, like she was special, like she was the most important girl in the world.

For just a moment, Sarah began to feel like nothing could go wrong as long as he just kept touching her.

“He knew. He was the only one I told.”

“He warned me you were complicated,” Chris said.

“You told my brother you liked me?” Her heart soared, but she wasn’t sure that it should. Garrett had been right. Sarah
was
complicated and she would be for a long time.

For the next 18 years, at least.

She tried not to worry about that, tried not to think about how much it would hurt when she was turned down for dates in the future or when men didn’t want to be around someone with a kid.

Her baby was the most important thing. She knew that.

“No, I didn’t tell him I liked you. He just knew. Garrett was a smart cookie, you know?” Chris moved his hand so he was rubbing her back instead of her hair. She let out a groan and he chuckled. “Like that, princess?”

“Yeah, I like that.”

“Tell me about the father,” he said.

Sarah shrugged. What was there to say? Jared had been a one-hit wonder. She had met him online and in an unusual burst of excitement and bravery, she had gone out with him. That was really all there was to tell.

The next day, he had left without so much as a “that was fun.” When she found out she was pregnant, she had texted him out of courtesy, and he had offered to pay for half of an abortion.

Sarah had deleted his number.

“Remember that really bad date I went on back in April?”

“No,” he said, his voice full of disbelief. “That loser?”

“Yeah,” she blushed. How could she have been so stupid? “I got caught up in the moment. I felt lonely and he was there. I thought we were just going to have a little fun, but…” She shrugged. “We didn’t use a condom. Rookie mistake, right? I wish we had. At least I could tell people it broke or that I had done everything in my power to be smart. I mean, it’s the 21
st
century. Who just ‘accidentally’ gets pregnant, right?”

“Does the guy know?”

“He knows, but he doesn’t want anything to do with me or the baby,” she touched her tummy, and to her surprise, Chris did, too.

“He’s stupid, Sarah. He’s an idiot.”

“You aren’t upset?”

“Why would I be upset? A baby is a beautiful thing, Sarah. A gift to the world, and you, darling, are going to be one kick-ass mom.”

She did start crying then, and buried her head in his shoulder.

“Why are you being so cool about this?” She asked. “You aren’t even mad.”

“Sarah, you already know I care about you. A lot. This baby is a part of you, honey. I might not be able to promise you money or riches or a world of possibilities, but I can promise you that I will take care of you and I will take care of your baby, okay?”

She cried some more until she had nothing left, then she finally slid off Chris’ lap, embarrassed at her outburst.

“Tissue?” He asked knowingly, and handed her a box.

She blew her nose, wiped her face, then ate some pizza. They watched TV in silence for a little while, then Sarah finally fell asleep on Chris’ couch, her feet propped up in his lap, and her belly full.

Things might not have gone according to plan, but at least he hadn’t freaked out when she told him.

Maybe life was looking up after all.