Frolic of His Own (84 page)

—You ready to go Christina?

—What? Oh. What's the use yes, I mean my God Oscar think about it will you? He wasn't just a smart lawyer and a sweet natured man a real man, he was our friend! seizing up her coat for the door, —think about it! and leaving him there in the throes of battle among the notorious burying beetles over the corpse of a mouse nicely scraped and embalmed by the victorious couple for their young to eat and then eating the young
when they hatched to ensure the survivors of enough food for a stalwart new generation to start the whole thing all over again, inducing a stupor that lasted till he heard his name in full cry with a bang at the doors.

—Mister Crease? when he finally got them opened to the glad hand of —your friend Jack Preswig, a foot in the doors shuddering closed against him —no wait, hold on! May I come in? wedging his foot more firmly —all right then but let me explain, I'm in a new line of work Mister Crease and I think you can use me, won't cost you a dime just let me explain. I got out of the law, just to set your mind at rest, nothing but dog eat dog thought I'd better quit while I still had a spark of decency left in me. It's the biggest swindle ever invented, a regular cesspool of human greed, the side you see of people makes you ashamed of the human race I'll tell you, your best friends will eat you alive and I finally just couldn't face that man in the mirror so I got out, kept a few contacts because without them you're dead and that's where I heard about this problem you're having. I see the old red baron parked in the weeds out there but I hear this new car you leased is up for repossession because you can't make the payments and I think I can save you a lot of headaches, let me explain Mister Crease won't cost you a nickel. You get the bank and the loan people and the insurers after you they'll have you for lunch, destroy your credit rating job prospects liens foreclosure everything near and dear they're cannibals Mister Crease, they're all cannibals now here's how we work. It's a dark green Jag XJ6, five forty nine a month on a thirty six month lease, right? got all the particulars right here, you just leave it standing right here in the driveway with the keys handy, wake up some morning and it's gone, call the police report a stolen vehicle and you're home free. What? didn't hear you, what?

—Go away.

—You don't pay a thing no, must have misunderstood me I just said it won't cost you a penny that's the beauty of it. They're the ones who pay, I just said they're all cannibals aren't they? All the same breed let them chew each other's bellies out, you just blow the whistle on your stolen vehicle I'll take care of the paper work and you don't ever have to give it another, who's this? not yours too is it? as a small black car pulled up, —not the lady of the house is it? for the bulk already clambering up the steps red, with what forty years before might have been a cheerleader's smile and wave of the hand, in tooth and claw.

—I hope you're not showing this person the property, Mister Crease? We wouldn't want to see you make a hasty decision you could regret later, would we. I have a gentleman waiting in my car who is prepared to make a very attractive offer. He's a friend of the lovely little family who are going to be your new neighbors right up the driveway, I think they
plan to start clearing the site this week and he'd like to get himself located here as soon as possible, he's flying out to the coast tonight and . . .

—What's he offering.

—He is thinking in the neighborhood of, who are you? Who is this person, Mister Crease?

—My name is Preswig, Madame. Jack Preswig, I'm an attorney, I've represented Mister Crease in other legal matters and we've just finished discussing a transaction where he stands to benefit substantially, now what is your client's offer.

—He's a very busy man and doesn't like to waste time haggling with third parties Mister Prestig, and so I'll be brief, he has to fly out to the coast tonight for a very important meeting and he . . .

—What's his offer.

—I know it's slightly below the sum we discussed on my last visit Mister Crease, when I met your charming wife and that dear old man, your father wasn't it? But my client is a very busy man, he makes deals in the millions every day I'm sure you'll recognize his name when you see it and he's offering two million seven on the spot.

—You can't be serious Madame, or possibly I misunderstand? You must be referring to another of Mister Crease's holdings and not this magnificent property before our eyes? I have a client in my practice, three of them in fact, who are looking around the area and wouldn't blink at five million, a high prestige neighborhood like this there's another million right there. You saw the sign at the gate out there strangers requested not to enter? All these exclusive old enclaves are gone, this is not the kind of subdivision you're used to dealing with Madame, the place has been in the Crease family for generations and it's plainly not a distress sale, Mister Crease obviously doesn't need the money but I don't think he can consider any . . .

—Mister Crease excuse me, let me say that my . . .

—He really can't consider anything less than five mil . . .

—My client, Mister Crease, is prep . . .

—Five million six.

—Mister Crease, my client is prepared to write a check on the spot. There won't be a day wasted on banks, mortgages and all those silly time consuming details, his attorneys will take care of the title insurance and the usual formalities and I think we can have a closing almost overnight, I think I mentioned that he's a very busy man he has a dinner meeting with some top industry executives out on the coast tonight and . . .

—Let's not waste any more of Mister Crease's valuable time standing out here in the cold, Madame. He won't consider a laughable sum like your two million seven for a minute. You couldn't build a place like this
today for less than ten, just look at the gentle curve of these slate roofs it's all handwork, every single slate, you don't find workmanship like that anymore it's practically a landmark, two million seven? It's worse than laughable Madame, it's an insult, go down and tell your client Mister Crease takes it as a gross insult. If he wants to make a serious offer we can give you another minute to get his best price, I'm a busy man myself so will you please hurry? and he drew closer watching her unwieldy efforts to do just that down the cascading steps, his foot wedged more firmly in the door with —I'll tell you Mister Crease, a real stroke of luck I was here for this, these real estate people almost make you ashamed of the human race, a regular cesspool of human greed it's all the biggest swindle ever invented right down there with your insurance racket nothing but dog eat dog, I've got to leave any minute now a big commission right down the line but don't listen to anything less than five million firm, if he wants it he'll take it, just get a look at her she's just told him she thinks she can talk you down to four million a real steal at the price they're cannibals all of them, don't see how she can face herself in the mirror, what do you say.

—Please go away.

—Oh Mister Crease, Mister Crease? she renewed her assault up the steps without pausing for breath —I have wonderful news for you. I've been able to talk him up to your original asking price of three million two, half right now on the spot and the rest at closing he's waiting right there with his checkbook in his hand and . . .

—Where'd you get this three million two asking price.

—We discussed it on an earlier occasion as the fair market value Mister Prestig, I'm afraid you're not very well acquainted with the real estate market in this area and the slump we've been in is . . .

—You're talking about condos and housing developments Madame, there's no slump in properties like this one look at the view, you won't get that anymore with these wetland setbacks, the privacy alone is worth a couple of million because money can't buy it, I'm a busy man I've got to get going but I'll be glad to handle your closing if they come up with a reasonable figure Mister Crease here, take my card, you'll see I've got a new number? sidling round to recover his foot and slip a hundred dollar bill into the breast pocket folds —glad we worked out this other arrangement just leave the rest of it to me, keep in touch.

—Well! Now we can talk, if you allow me to say so Mister Crease I hate to see a gentleman like yourself bullied that way. Lawyers just seem to try to complicate things and some of them can really scrape the bottom of the barrel when they . . .

—Will you go away?

—Yes it won't take us a minute without him interfering now will it. I
wouldn't argue for a moment about the value of the site and the location in this prestige area since that's really all my client is interested in, with all your Mister Prestig's talk about slate roofs and landmarks but the place is old and in bad repair isn't it, this very porch where we're standing is ready to fall on our heads but that's unimportant because he plans to tear the whole thing down anyway and start fresh with this famous postmodern architect who's doing the place on the corner right down to the carpets and picture frames it will be quite a showplace, he has his checkbook in his hand Mister Crease and offers like this may never come again, certainly not from these imaginary clients who won't blink at five million but will try to jew you down the minute you . . .

—Get out of here.

—But, what? She stepped aside as he strode past her for the edge of the veranda where he stood undoing his trousers —I don't . . .

—Didn't you hear me? He paused there with his hand digging deep in his underclothes. —If you don't get out of here right now I'll throw you down these steps do you hear me? and if I see your painted pig face on this property again I'll, I'll have you for lunch.

—I, my God! she got hold of the railing as he turned away without a glance after her headlong clamber down the steps and the roar of her car swerving aside for one bearing down on the driveway ahead.

—Who in God's name was that.

—Some crazy woman. Did we forget milk? as they came to a halt and silenced, staring at him standing at the end of the veranda directing a steaming arc down on the withered grass below.

—Oscar! not even raising his eyes to them with the slamming doors of the car —stop it! My God he hasn't done this since he was eight years old, Oscar? as they reached the steps together —I said stop it! He used to try to write his name on the snow that way, come inside right now it's cold out here! Will you tell me what in God's name's going on? she came up after him, —who was that woman! but he ambled on back through the doors doing up his trousers to leave her standing there in the grip of the cold for the grocery bags handed to her up the steps, down the hall and through to the silent kitchen: butter, oyster mushrooms, broccoli, feta cheese, pesto, elbows braced on the table there and her face sunk in her hands, pickled ginger? Ponentine olive spread?

—What's all this stuff, sun dried tomatoes? unsalted pignolias?

—God only knows Lily, I mean I just took whatever I saw, I thought we could get him interested in meals again I must have been thinking of that day Mister Basie came out here with those carrots in the Spanish style, I hardly know what I'm doing. That performance just now out there on the veranda he must be into the wine again, where is he now.

—He's in there with his fishes.

—Well God help us. I mean at least they don't make any noise.

Neither the red scream of sunset blazing on the icebound pond nor the thunderous purple of its risings on a landscape blown immense through leafless trees off toward the ocean where in flocks the wild goose Wawa, where Kahgahgee king of ravens with his band of black marauders, or where the Kayoshk, the seagulls, rose with clamour from their nests among the marshes and the Mama, the woodpecker seated high among the branches of the melancholy pine tree past the margins of the pond neither rose Ugudwash, the sunfish, nor the yellow perch the Sahwa like a sunbeam in the water banished here, with wind and wave, day and night and time itself from the domain of the discus by the daylight halide lamp, silent pump and power filter, temperature and pH balance and the system of aeration, fed on silverside and flake food, vitamins and krill and beef heart in a patent spinach mixture to restore their pep and lustre spitting black worms from the feeder when a crew of new arrivals (live delivery guaranteed, air freight collect at thirty dollars) brought a Chinese algae eater, khuli loach and male beta, two black mollies and four neons and a pair of black skirt tetra cruising through the new laid fronds of the Madagascar lace plant.

And now where was he? He must have gone someplace because the car wasn't out there in the driveway, setting off a new round of muttering about the last time this happened, calling the hospitals, calling the police in Hoboken was it? lying in a ditch somewhere and in he walked frozen to the gills it was probably these damn fish again, he'd probably gone up to that place on the highway to get them something for lunch —I mean my God they're eating us out of house and home, can't we do something about this mess in the refrigerator? Ground beef heart and baby brine shrimp mixed up in here with the pickled ginger and sun dried tomatoes, he's got bloodworms and crabmeat and medicines for their parasite bacteria and fungus problems right in with the feta cheese and that Ponentine olive spread that cost God knows how much and what's that on the shelf over the sink, that plastic cup that says cole slaw there's something floating in it, will you throw it out? I've been looking at it for a week.

—No don't! That's mine Christina, that's my jelly implants.

—Well what in God's name are they doing here, are you keeping them for souvenirs?

—They told me to keep them for evidence when I went up there to get my stitches out, I told you I'm going to sue that slimeball didn't I? And they told me they're putting together this big class action lawsuit against him and this whole bunch of doctors and this company that made the jelly if I start to lose my hair and my memory like this other lady I was scared to tell you, there's something else I was scared to tell you Christina.
See I thought when you paid them that fifteen hundred dollars up at the hospital that that was for everything but they said that was just the room and the operating room and the anasthesist and the television rental and the free toothbrush but the doctor's separate. This doctor which took them out is separate.