From My Heart (19 page)

The show was running as according to plan. I even saw Bryn and Kallie in some sort of discussion before our set, and no one threw any punches, which was a plus. I didn’t want a cat fight on our hands just before we were about to play. We had met up with Richard Marx, the director for our music video, and went over the best spots for us to stand and move around during “Straight from the Heart.” We’d done live videos before when Everlasting was starting out, but now that we were tour headliners and whatnot, there was a lot riding on this video and performance.

I decided tonight was the night I was going to tell Bryn about my addiction. I had woken up in such a great mood, not even reaching for the brand new bottle of off brand pain killers I bought at a pharmacy while the girls got their ‘girly supplies.’ It was a step in the right direction and I was feeling like I could do anything. I knew the past week had been rough on Bryn and I with my uncontrollable mood swings, and that was the last straw. I’ve said it before, but I wasn’t going to put her or anyone else through it.

Adding a bit of liquid courage to the mix, I was feeling on fire while we were on stage. Bryn had dressed extra sexy for the show tonight, wearing a diamond studded black t-shirt and short red shorts that barely covered her luscious ass, which was okay in my book. But watching all of the guys in the audience and backstage checking her out drove me insane. I wanted to put them all and say, “That’s my girl, not yours.”

“Denver, you are the best crowd so far on this tour bar-none!” I said to every fan in the crowd, which made them erupt into even louder cheers. “Right now we have a good friend of ours, Richard Marx, here to shoot a music video for this next song. What you need to do is if you know the words, sing along. This is going to be seen around the world so each and every one of you need to get the fuck up and go insane. Can you do that?” I didn’t think the place could get any louder until then.

This was going to be fun.

Tyler started the drum beat and I put on my game face—or should I say singing face. I commanded the stage as I always did, putting an extra 200 % into every movement I made and singing my ass off. I looked at Bryn out of the corner of my eye and she had her head down briefly then looked at me with a million dollar smile. I smiled back at her as we played through the rest of the song. My chest was dripping with sweat by the time we finished, and I told myself before we did any partying tonight that I was taking a shower with my lady.

Just as I thought everything was going in the band’s favor, things quickly spiraled when Tyler messed up the drum line in “You Were Young.” This screwed up Vince’s guitar solo in the process, which definitely went noticed. During Bryn’s vocals in the song, I went back to his drum set, grabbing the bottle of beer that sat in front of Tyler’s kit and chugged it down. I looked at him dead in the eyes and I knew he knew he fucked up bad.

I’m one of those guys that if any of us messes up on stage—especially in front of a big ass audience like tonight—will flip the hell out and it’ll take a few people to hold me back. My anger issues were mainly to blame for that. I sang the rest of the song in unison with Bryn, planning how I was going to kick Tyler’s ass after the set.

We made it through the song and I put on my happy face again, thanking everyone for coming and announcing that Angels from Hell were going to be on soon. Bryn was putting away her guitar with Gina and Bethany nearby, gushing how great she played. No one had to tell her she was amazing. She knew it already. I’d hate to tell Vince this but she could out play him on the guitar any day. Once I saw Tyler come backstage from where the curtain dropped, I stalked towards him.

“You’re lucky I don’t fucking slap the mother—” My blood was boiling and I could feel my face burning with anger.

“Cale, stop it.” Raptor tried to stand between Tyler and I as the others stood within a feet of me, awaiting what I was about to do next. Bryn was already outside with Gina and Bethany because she had felt sick. Where was she when I needed her? “Don’t do this here. People screw up. Shit happens.”

“I don’t give a fuck about that, Rap!” I shouted. Raptor stood out of the way as Tyler came within inches of me.

“Well you should. Tyler’s a good drummer and you know it better than us. Would you rather of had some stranger come in and fill my old place in the band?” Raptor asked me, cocking an eyebrow.

“Might as well have.” I whispered under my breath, my hands gripping the sides of my jeans so I didn’t use them to punch Tyler.

“If you’re going to confront me about screwing up one song, do it somewhere private,” Tyler sneered. “Right here and right now? It just makes you look like a chicken shit because there’s people everywhere.”

I pushed him hard, causing him to fall back into the amps Hal and Raptor had loaded off stage. “Yeah, and you screwed up during the biggest night on tour just after we finished the video! Who’s the bigger ass now?”

Tyler punched me just below my eye, and I caught wind, almost sending me flat on my ass. “Everyone fucks up, Cale. You need to be knocked down a peg because you think you’re hot shit just because girls flock to you almost everywhere we go. Remember Bryn, that’s all I have to say.”

I stood up after an attempt to regain my composure, my fist connecting with Tyler’s cheek, which sent his head flying to the side. I tried to throw another punch but Hal came from behind and hauled me over his shoulder.

“Put me down, goddammit!” I shouted, feeling like a little kid going into time-out. Raptor was holding Tyler back, trying to calm him down. He could come at me again for all I cared, have at it. I wound up in jail for a night because of him before, and I’d gladly do it again. Hal didn’t say a word, taking gigantic steps as he kicked the door open and threw my ass onto the pavement. Of course there were people outside just walking by and of course they stopped to see what the big scene was.

“I oughtta kick your ass my damn self, boy.” Hal stuck a finger in my face. “Are you trying to break up your own fucking band or what, Pelton?”

“He screwed our set up, and I simply told him,” I said as calmly as I could, even though my blood was past the boiling point and I felt like my head was going to explode.

“Yeah right. I can see straight through that lie, Cale. You’ve got anger issues and one day karma will come back and bite your ass,” Hal said, walking back inside so he could get the rest of the equipment. Turning back, he said, “And I’ll stand there and laugh while you get what’s coming to you.”

I didn’t need him anyway. So what if he was Luke’s uncle? I could fire his ass and hire a new driver. Someone who wouldn’t get in the way of me pounding Tyler’s face into the floor. My knuckles were sore and red but the punches were damn well worth it.

Bryn came straight from the other side of the bus, where I heard a commotion of laughter. Her mouth dropped a few feet at the sight of me, her face full of concern.

“Cale!” she shrieked, noticing my black eye and my red knuckles. She ran straight to my side, offering her hand to pull me up. “What the hell happened to you? I heard a bunch of shouting but I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.”

Before I could answer, Tyler appeared outside, one hand covering the side of his face where I punched him. His gaze avoided me, but instead landed on my girlfriend. I should have punched his other side just for looking at Bryn.

Bryn looked back and forth from Tyler to me, her hands sifting furiously through the ends of her hair as her look of confusion turned to sheer pissed off. “Okay,” she said, her jaw clenched. She used her finger to gesture Tyler to come over to where we were. “The two of you need to explain and
now
.” She pointed from me to Tyler. “And you need to tell me why the frickin’ fuck you each look like you just got out of a wrestling ring. You look like hell.”

Coming from my girlfriend, I must have really looked bad.

“You can thank your boyfriend for giving me shit about screwing up my drum line,” Tyler snapped.

“Yeah, and you damn well deserved it! We looked like crap up there after that.” I glared at him, flashing him the finger. “Plus he’s the reason I have this black eye, Bryn.”

“Whoa, now you just sound like you’re a little preschooler, Cale.” Tyler cackled, his eyes narrowing in on my black eye. “I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

I think he had a death wish. I lunged towards him, sending both of us to the ground; his head landed hard against the pavement.

“Guys, you need to stop!” Bryn let out a high pitched shriek, running around us and trying to figure out how to tear us apart. Tyler managed to punch me right in the nose, and I could feel blood immediately pour down my face. I lifted my fist and nailed him not once, but twice more before Tyler used his feet to kick me off of him. I stumbled again, falling against Bryn, who stepped away from me with a scowl. 

“I don’t think you should’ve punched me in front of your girlfriend.” Tyler smirked underneath the blood and bruises that littered his face. “You should really go back inside the bus, Bryn. Let us settle this shit.”

Bryn gave him the middle finger. “Seriously? Not a chance. You two need to get cleaned up and make up because I’m not dealing with this band tension when we still have a few weeks to go.” Through this whole time we were outside, I never once thought about how she might be feeling when she saw me act like a raging monster. For a moment, I was scared I was going to lose my girl and my best friend.

Tyler squeezed Bryn’s shoulder. “I’m sorry you had to even see any of this.” Then he leaned down to kiss her on the cheek. She mouthed ‘its okay,’ even though I knew that was a flat out lie. Tyler turned to face me and said, “While we’re at it though, pal, why don’t you tell Bryn about your little secret, Cale?”

Yes, I was about to go to jail for murder in the second degree.

Bryn put her hands in her pockets, trying not to show her emotions. I saw a single tear in the corner of her eye as her gaze met mine and she quietly asked, “What secret is he talking about, Cale? What are you keeping from me?” I didn’t want her to find out this way, but this was what it came to.

“Leave it alone, Tyler,” I said through gritted teeth. “I’ll fucking murder you right here and now.”

I saw Bryn turn away from us, her hands out of her pockets and now on each side of her head. All I wanted was to hold her and tell her everything would be okay. 

“Shut up, the two of you!” She screamed as she turned back around to face us. “Just tell me the goddamn secret or I swear I’ll quit the band right now and fly home.” Her voice cracked.

Tyler shook his head, frowning. “Show her the pills, Pelton.”

Bryn cut me off before I could defend myself. “Tyler, he takes those because he still gets pain every once in a while.” She looked at me with hope in her eyes. “Right?”

My mouth stayed glued shut. I didn’t know what to say to Bryn to make her ease up; I knew at this point there was most likely no hope for me.

“Nothing to say, Pelton?” Tyler asked with a look of satisfaction on his face, wiping blood off his cheek with his sleeve.

I took a step toward Tyler. “Get out of here, Donahue. Now. Before you make things even worse.”

“Despite what just happened, you dick, I’m looking out for you. Don’t screw up what you have with Bryn because of your stupidity,” Tyler replied, scratching his forehead.

“Stop defending me, Tyler,” Bryn said. “And Cale, just tell me what you’re keeping from me please?” Her eyes were silently pleading. She looked so innocent and fragile, standing there next to two broken assholes who didn’t even deserve to be in the same space as her. This secret was going to kill her.

“Bryn, hun…” I started to say, my fingers grazing over her wrist. “Just hear me out, promise?”

“Oh, Pelton just cut to the chase,” Tyler interrupted. “Tell her you’re addicted to pain killers.”

***

I felt like I had just been blindsided. Yes, I’d seen him take his pain meds when he said he needed them, but I never would have thought he was an addict. I stepped back against the metal of the tour bus, my whole body shaking like I was about to burst into uncontrollable tears. It was a big lie. Lying about being fucking addicted to pain killers was a big deal, at least to me. My breathing hitched as I let the tears fall. I couldn’t look at either Cale or Tyler. I didn’t want to see the guy who has fed me lies ever since I’d met him and the guy that looked at me like he always wanted to kiss me. Both of them could go to Hell.

Cale looked fuming mad. He had just gotten into a major fist fight with Tyler, and from the way his face turned dark red, he wanted to do much worse than punch him. But he had no right to be mad. His expression changed when he saw my tears that were blinding me. “Bryn, can you say something?”

“I…I mean…how long has this been going on?” I stammered, getting my first question out of the way. I wiped the tears out of my eyes, my sleeve now completely soaked.

Cale ran a bloody hand through his hair and stared down at his feet before meeting my eyes. “Basically five years…on and off.”

“That’s bullshit. You’ve quit for what, a week here and there? But you always go back.” Tyler said, his arms crossed over his chest.

I didn’t know what else to say. Addiction was a big deal—life threatening, and I wondered how he hadn’t been permanently damaged by taking so many pills at once. It also explained his crazy mood swings, how he would push me away, how he slept with the groupie on my first tour. Essentially it explained everything. But did it make sense? Hell no. I barely ever took medicine unless my mother and father had forced me to go to the doctor, so I wanted to know and understand why he was an addict. Maybe, just maybe I could help him.

I wasn’t feeling quite helpful at the moment.

“I don’t know what to say to you,” I said quietly, my hands tightly curling into fists and my jaw tight. “I’m your girlfriend and your bandmate, Cale. You couldn’t tell me that? You had to keep it from me? When would you have told me? When you landed in the hospital damn near dying?”

Cale breathed a deep breath and attempted to take me into his arms but I pushed him away. “Don’t touch me. I’m so hurt right now. It wasn’t even a little fib or a white lie, but something that could take your life. What else are you keeping from me, huh?” I pushed him again. “Let’s keep it rolling, shall we?” I turned my attention to Tyler. “What else is this guy keeping from me? You surely know him better than I do.”

Tyler placed both of his hands on my shoulders. Somehow, that seemed to calm me down, but only a tiny bit. I was still contemplating the whole punching and kicking Cale idea. “How about we get back on the bus, clean up, and chill out for the night? You’re as pale as a ghost, Bryn.” Tyler’s face was full of worry.

I grabbed a hold of his hands and threw them off of me. “No. I think Cale and I need to have a little talk before I go anywhere else with him on this tour.” I pointed at him. “Cale and I can have a chit chat inside the bus while you wait out here.”

Tyler shrugged, not looking once in Cale’s direction as he took off his shirt to use as a towel to clean the blood off of his face. I tried hard not to stare at him; remembering Cale was my main focus. I stomped onto the bus, kicking off my shoes and watching them hit the wall hard. Cale followed, standing so close behind me I could feel each breath he took against the back of my neck.

“Will you let me speak now?” he demanded. I refused to move. I didn’t want to look at his amber eyes that burned a hole through me every time I gazed into them.  “Or at least turn around so you can see my damn lips move.”

I spun around so fast I nearly bumped into him.

I shot him a hateful glare. “Explain,” I spat.

“First, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you from the start,” he said. “This has been something I’ve struggled with ever since high school, and I’ve tried so many different ways to quit, and nothing has ever worked long enough.” Cale looked at his feet then at my eyes. “It all started after I got into a huge fist fight with my dad. He came back to the house and thought he could rough up my mom a little bit.  I taught him a damn lesson, causing him a trip to jail. After that I had anxiety attacks so bad my mom took me to the doctor and they put me on medication to help ease them.”

“So you haven’t even tried to go to rehab?” I asked. That would’ve been my first thought, but I remembered Cale was as stubborn as a damn bull and wouldn’t give up that easily. With his cocky attitude to go with the stubbornness, he’d maybe last a day and bail.

Cale shrugged. “Never. I’m not leaving the band, Bryn. These guys are my brothers and have been with me through it all. You’re not the only one to tell me I should go to rehab. But to give up touring and be stuck in some boring place for 90 days would drive me mad. I’m not the kind of guy who would take advice from some strange person who thinks they know everything about me.”

“So you don’t even care that you could one day take too many pills and never wake up?” I asked, placing my hands on my hips. “But why wouldn’t you tell me, Cale? I’m your girlfriend, for fuck’s sake, and that little bit about your life does matter to me.”

“Do you realize I feel like a complete asshole right now?” He brushed the hair out of his face and scowled. “After meeting you for the first time and having you with us, it was the first actual time that I wanted to change for the better.
You
made me want to try to stop my addiction once and for all,” he said. “But it’s easier said than done. I get mood swings, temper tantrums, and those cause me to take more just to calm myself down for a few hours. They’ve become engraved into my life, Bryn. That’s why I’ve tried just about anything to quit.” Cale’s tone softened, but it didn’t matter if he tried to play Mr. Sweetheart right now or not.

I wasn’t sure that I wanted to date someone that kept such a huge secret from me. He was telling me the truth; I could believe his story alright, but how many more secrets were there? How many other silent demons was he trying to hide from me?

My mind couldn’t handle all of that.

I immediately felt nervous for what I was about to tell him, but in my gut I knew it had to be done. For him and for me, along with everyone else in some way. “Thank you,” I said. “I mean for explaining yourself. I couldn’t even image your mom being put through that kind of pain. She’s more of a mother to me than my own. I wish I would’ve known you then because I would’ve tried to help you in any way I could. I love you more then you realize. You’ve helped me open up and showed me how to live life outside of my parent’s walls. You taught me how to love…really love…a” Here came the deep breath.
You can do this Bryn,
I told myself,
this needs to happen.

“But I don’t think I can do this.” I gestured between us. “I mean us—boyfriend and girlfriend—anymore. I can’t date someone who kept something damn near life threatening from me and be happy go lucky after hearing it. I’m pissed. I’m hurt. Truth be told, you scare me sometimes. I don’t think I can handle being your girlfriend and touring with you at the same time.” I guessed that was the long version of saying I wanted to break up.

The tears were starting to come back even harder than when I was outside. I felt like a bitch for saying everything I just after he explained most of his story; I still wanted to be there for him and be part of his support system while we finished out the tour, but I couldn’t be his girlfriend. Not now.

Cale stood there completely silent. I tried to read his face, which was covered in dry blood, but his expression was unreadable. My first instinct was to grab a towel and help clean him up, but after what I just said to him I was pretty sure he would kick me out of the band.

“If that’s what you think is best,” he quietly replied before going into the bathroom.

Everyone gradually came back in as Hal was getting ready to drive us to a hotel for the night. I tried to avoid their stares, but the questions were going to be inevitable. Gina and Bethany kissed their guys on the lips and without a word took me into the back bedroom.

“We’ve still got ice cream in the freezer, hun. We’re getting you under the covers and Gina’s going to put in a non-romantic movie.” Bethany spoke softly as her arms guided me into the bed. I stripped off my clothes, minus my underwear and bra. Gina grabbed the laptop, a night shirt for me, and of course the ice cream. They didn’t even have to ask anything about what happened. I’m sure they overheard anyway.

We curled up under the blankets as the three of us watched “American Pie” and dug into the pint of cookie dough ice cream, which tasted like pure heaven to me. Especially after I made a decision that would affect not just me, but everyone else in the band for a long time to come. My tears were subsiding to laughter as we cracked up at some of the funniest parts in the movie. No one spoke a word until I set the empty pint on the nightstand and turned off the laptop.

“I still can’t believe he lied to you,” Bethany said with a frown as we grabbed an overnight bag after Hal told us we were at the hotel. I slipped on a pair of shorts underneath my night shirt, not even bothering to change into something half way decent.

“I can’t believe it either,” I nearly whispered, my hand clutching the bag handles tightly. “It’s just…I don’t get it. It’s been going on for this long. Like wouldn’t you get help?”

“I would try at least,” Gina replied. “But maybe they guys have tried to help him and Cale pushes them away. We don’t know the full story. I know Raptor hasn’t mentioned anything about Cale abusing pills.”

“Yeah, Luke hasn’t either,” Bethany told me. “Raptor told us what happened backstage before they started to fight out in the lot. As soon as Vince and Luke heard the commotion they shared one of those strange looks, like they were both thinking the exact same thing at the same moment.”

“Still, it was a dick move for him to lie to you. If he really loved you like he said he did, then he should’ve told you from the very start,” Gina defended me as we got off the bus and walked towards the hotel entrance. Gina texted Raptor to make sure Cale was nowhere near them when we got off the bus, which was proven to be difficult since they were chewing his ass out for screwing things up with me, and apparently he wanted to come find me to win me back. Only after a few hours? No way.

We rode in the elevator to the floor where our room was. My mind kept replaying what I said to Cale, the look on his face when I said I couldn’t do our relationship anymore. It was painful to think about because it had just happened, but I had to be strong. We were still bandmates, and I wanted to be his friend. I wanted to be the girl that helped him quit this addiction once and for all. I wanted to still be his shoulder that he could lean on and would help him take the steps to get him help. Whether it be rehab, intervention, I didn’t have a clue.

Now that I knew, it was going to take all of his brothers and myself to figure a way to fix Cale before it was too late.