Fruit and Nutcase (9 page)

But I am only saying things that
are
true. So sucks to Tracey Bigg!

I’m really glad I didn’t go on that summer camp. Two weeks with Tracey Bigg! Yeeeeeurgh!!!

Cat asked me the other day if I had any friends at school. I haven’t, but who needs them? I’ve got my mum and dad!

Cat said, “You ought to have friends of your own age, Mandy.” I don’t see why. I did have a friend, once. She was called Janis and she was really nice. She lived next door and we used to play together. She had to be in a wheelchair ‘cos there was something wrong with her legs, and I used to gallop her up and down the street.

One time she fell out, but she didn’t mind. She just laughed!

She was ever so sparky, Janis was. Even though she couldn’t walk, we still had fun.

Then the Social came and moved her, her and her mum, ‘cos they said their accommodation was
sub-standard,
meaning it was like ours, all damp and fungussy and falling to pieces, so now they’re on an estate and it’s miles away, miles and miles, and I never see her. But she was my friend.

There isn’t anyone at school I would want to be friends with. They all think I’m a retard. Tracey Bigg said once that I ought to be in a special unit.

Wait until I’ve had my book published! Then she’ll change her tune.

That’ll show her!

*
Note from Cat’s mum: I’m afraid they do, but you’re quite right, I don’t like it.

*
Note from Cat’s mum: Libel?

Sunday was one of the best days. We had a really good time on Sunday! A
really
good time. Mum and Dad didn’t quarrel once. It was one of those extra special days when just everything goes right.

It started with me and Dad making Mum’s breakfast and Dad taking it in to her, all on a tray, all proper, with a tea towel and all.

We did:

Dad said, “Here you are, Moddom! Room service!” Mum sat up in bed in her nightie and went, “Ooh! A Sunday treat!”

Dad said, “We’re spoiling you, ‘cos we love you. Don’t we, Mandy?”

And then, guess what? He went out to the
kitchen and came back with the frying pan, pretending to be Elvis!

He sang Mum’s favourite,
Love me Tender.
It made them go all spoony, so I finished off the toast.

After breakfast, we did the washing-up. Together! Me and Dad! Usually Dad won’t do the washing-up, he says it’s a woman’s job. This is because he never had to do it when he was a boy, and why Mum says he’s been spoilt. Nan is incredibly old-fashioned. It’s weird because she was around in the Swinging Sixties and so you would think she would be rather swinging herself, but she isn’t at all. It would be hard to imagine anyone less swinging than my nan!

I think Grandy might have been a bit of a swinger, if Nan would have let him.

But Nan keeps a tight rein. That is what Mum says.

Mum says that if she didn’t, Grandy would most likely “break out”.

But I don’t think he could run very far, at his age!

After Dad and I had washed up, I came into my bedroom to do some more tape, leaving Dad in the kitchen surrounded by all his bits and pieces from the D.I.Y. He was going to fix the cabinet at last!

I’d been in here for about ten minutes when there was a knock at the door and Dad peered round. He said, “How much?” I said, “How much for what?” Dad said, “For letting me have a listen! How much’ll it take?” I said, “
Da-a-ad
,” and threw one of my pillows at him.

Dad said, “Oh, come on, Mand! None of that prissy missy stuff with me!”

I told him it wasn’t prissy, it was PRIVATE. “Like a diary.”

“You mean, you can’t be bought?” said Dad.

I said, “No, I can’t!” and hurled my other pillow at him.

“Spoilsport!” said Dad, as he chucked it back at me.

The next minute I crept over to the door and heard the sound of a drill whizzing in the kitchen,
so I knew he’d just been trying it on. All the same, I have found a safe place to keep this tape! This is where I’m keeping it.

I don’t think Dad would ever do anything behind my back, but he is
dead
curious to know what I’m saying!

By the time Mum got up to do the dinner, the kitchen cabinet was back on the wall. Mum was ever so pleased! She threw her arms round Dad’s neck and gave him the hugest kiss ever.