Game of Queens (26 page)

Wrong.

As if I had spoken that thought aloud, Ahasuerus sat back. For long moments we stared at each other. My heart beat so hard I thought Ahasuerus must hear it.

“Do you want to kiss me again?” I asked, dutifully recalling Amestris's cold instructions. Ahasuerus nodded.

“I suppose I'd better,” he said.

But our second kiss summoned no fire in me—or, I think, in him. Queen Mother Amestris had raised us up as if we were brother and sister. It was hard, now, to become more than that.

And when Ahasuerus kissed me, I found myself thinking of the concubines I had chosen for his harem. Had he kissed them so dispassionately?
I am the most beautiful woman in all the empire. Everyone says so. Why doesn't Ahasuerus want me?

And why didn't I want him? He was handsome, and kind, and generous, and I did love him. But I loved him fondly; nothing about him kindled desire's fire within me. I stared down at my hands, and wished desperately that I were in my own palace, in my own bed. I wished it were Hegai's arm around me. Hegai always knew what to say, what I should do—

“Don't cry, Vashti!” Ahasuerus's voice sounded unsteady, panic beneath his hasty words. “Please don't cry!”

“I'm not.” I hastily wiped my eyes, not caring that I smeared the kohl and malachite weighing down my eyelids. “Truly, I'm not.”

“Yes you are. Don't worry, I swear there is nothing to fear.” Ahasuerus patted my shoulder, cautiously, as if worried I might bite. Even more cautiously, he leaned forward and kissed my mouth again.

Reminding myself once more of everything I had been taught, I kissed him in return. Encouragement enough, it seemed, for after that I need only follow where Ahasuerus led, until at last I was Ahasuerus's wife in body as well as in name. To me, the act hardly seemed worth the time and trouble; Ahasuerus seemed to derive far more pleasure from it than I. Doubtless because he was a man, and men got the best of everything—something I had learned long ago, as I ran after Ahasuerus through the great palace.

*   *   *

The next morning, I woke before Ahasuerus did and stared at him as he slept.
Fire and roses. Stars shouting joy. You were wrong, Cassandane.
I thought of Cassandane's face as she had spoken of love, of the Ishtar smile upon her lips. And then, as if urged by Ishtar Herself, I knew what I would ask of Ahasuerus when he awoke.
Cassandane can be happy, even if I am not—

No. No, I am happy. I have everything I desire. Of course I am happy. Very happy.…

When Ahasuerus opened his eyes, he seemed surprised to find me still there. He managed to smile, and to greet me properly. “It is your right to demand a gift of me, now. What do you want, Vashti? Whatever it is, I shall grant it, even to half my kingdom.”

A husband must offer his wife a gift after their wedding night; she may either ask for what pleases her or refuse his offering. I would not insult Ahasuerus by refusing. “Nothing so great as half your kingdom. But—there is a woman in my household whom I wish to give in marriage. May I do so?”

“Is that all? Of course; do what seems good to you in the matter.” Ahasuerus clearly could not understand why I asked such a thing, and since it was plain that what he most wished for was me to be gone, he did not question me further.

“A thousand thousand thanks, O great king!” I leaned over and kissed his cheek; as I slid out of the massive bed, Ahasuerus grasped my hand.

“And Vashti—I hope—” He did not meet my eyes, and if he had not been a man, I would have said he blushed.

I freed him from the need to find words. “I hope I pleased you, my lord king,” I said hastily. Suddenly I desired only to return to my own rooms, my own servants. “Have I your leave to go?”

“Of course, my queen. Go if you wish.”

I hastily thanked him, and ran to the door to the corridor between his rooms and mine. Hegai awaited me there with a shawl to wrap about me. I flung my arms around him. “Oh, Hegai, I am so glad you are here!”

“Are you?” Hegai swiftly kissed my forehead; his lips warm against my cool skin. “That pleases me, my queen.”

I managed to stand still long enough for him to tuck the shawl around my body. “Hegai, where is Cassandane? I must speak with her.”

“You should come bathe, and rest.” Hegai coaxed my hair into a loose braid that I half-undid when I shook my head.

“No. Not until I have spoken with Cassandane—oh, better, have her come join me in the Queen's Bath.”

“Of course.” Hegai's voice sounded odd, but when I glanced up at him, his face revealed nothing. “May I ask what you must so urgently say to her on this of all mornings?”

“That she is to be married at once!” I envisioned Cassandane's delight—and I found myself able to smile at Hegai, and then to laugh and run off down the corridor, back to my own palace—just as if nothing had changed.

HEGAI

I had known this night must come for years. What had I been hoping for? For the young king to die? Even if Ahasuerus died, what good would his death do me?

It had been my duty to escort the queen to the king's bed. But no rule said the Chief Eunuch must stand outside the royal door all night. So when the great door closed behind Vashti, I left to walk through the corridors and gardens of the Women's Palace. I spent hours trying to flee the image of Vashti naked in Ahasuerus's arms. But the image refused to vanish.

When the moon stood high overhead I walked back to the Queen's Palace, though I knew Vashti would not be there.
She is in the king's bed—no. No, do not think of her there, of him giving her pleasure.

Do not think of her naked in your arms instead of his.…

*   *   *

In morning's clear light, Vashti at first seemed happy enough after her wedding night. But her joy seemed forced, and her gaze slid aside from mine.

The second night, Hatach slid into my apartments long before midnight to tell me that the queen had already left the king's bedchamber. I managed to calmly thank Hatach and send him to his own bed without alarming him. Then I went swiftly along the path to the Queen's Palace, and then to Vashti's private rooms.

I saw no one. The rooms were empty. The lamps had not been lit. Only the full moon's light softened the gloom. I stepped out of my slippers and walked cat-soft into Vashti's bedchamber, through the darkness to her wide silver bed.

Vashti lay with her face pressed into a pillow, clearly hoping to silence her misery. Now I knew why there were no servants in the queen's rooms. The queen had sent them away.

Why was she here alone? What had Ahasuerus done? Surely he had not hurt her? Been unkind? I stroked Vashti's hair. “What's wrong, little queen? Come, tell me. Why are you crying?”

Still she said nothing, and trembled with unspent sobs. I was not even certain she had heard my words. I tried again, hardly realizing I spoke not as Chief Eunuch, calm and commanding, but as worried lover. “Vashti, tell me, please. What happened?”

She rolled away from my caressing hand and sat up. She pushed back her hair and uttered a gasp of unsteady laughter.
“Nothing.”

“Nothing,” I repeated. Of all the things I had worried myself into near madness over as I contemplated Vashti's nights with her husband, never had I thought of this.

“Oh, Hegai, you should
see
your
face
!” Then she began to laugh, a harsh, wild sound.

“Stop that or I will pour cold water over you,” I told her calmly; enough vases of flowers stood in her room to make this possible. Vashti stopped, laughter ending in a few hiccups; she pressed her hand over her mouth and stared at me round-eyed as an owl.

“Now, my queen, tell me what happened and why I find you here, alone, weeping.” I could not stop myself from adding, “You say ‘nothing' happened. Do you mean the king did not—”

“Oh.” Vashti blushed, her pale face crimson. Her gaze slid away from me; apparently there was something intensely fascinating on the floor to her left. “Of course I did not mean that. I—it was—nothing like I expected, I mean.”

Ah. Nothing that pleased you. Ahasuerus did not please you.
Unworthy joy flooded me and I let the subject of what had happened in the king's bed fade away. Vashti made it easy to do, as she leaned forward until I could see her breasts beneath her sheer silk gown.

“Hegai, do you think my body beautiful?”

Something in her voice made me understand that my answer was important; that she asked a grave question. I took her hands in mine and looked into her eyes. “
You
are beautiful. You will always be beautiful to my eyes.”

“Always?” The word choked on a last sob.

“Always.” I wiped her damp face with my sash, silently thanking the Great God that I had worn such unadorned garb. It is difficult to comfort someone and wipe tears from her face with a sash embroidered with gold and silver until it is stiff and heavy as ice.

“How long is always, Hegai?”

“Until we both are old and our hair is gray.”

She laughed, rather unsteadily—but she laughed. “But Hegai, how will you know when
my
hair turns gray?

“I will know,” I said, reaching out to stroke her hair.

Vashti flung herself into my arms—for comfort, I told myself. Just as she had done since she was a child, she turned to me for comfort and consolation. “You love me, don't you, Hegai?”

For a heartbeat hope flared up, and I put my hands on her cheeks, tilted her head back so I could look into her eyes. Hope faded, for what I saw there was the plea of an unhappy child.
You are not truly a woman yet, Vashti. But at least you turn to me. I will not fail you.

I bent and kissed her hot damp forehead. “Of course I love you, my queen.”

Vashti smiled, and curled herself into my arms. A few minutes later, she was asleep.
Yes, Vashti, I love you.
I settled myself comfortably on her bed, and stroked her back as I watched the full moon's light fading toward morning.

I will love you until the stars burn out.

Not even Vashti must ever know what I felt for her—but I longed to create some visible symbol of my love.
What gift from lover to beloved will be safe to give?

Late one night, I found my answer in the timeless story of Zariadres and Odatis, two lovers who fell in love in a dream.
Poppies. I will plant a bed of poppies in the Queen's Garden.
No one would see anything odd in an addition to Vashti's garden. And every time she danced past that plot, she would see my gift: the eternal lover's flower.

Yes. I will give my beloved red poppies.

Smiling, I picked up my scroll again. I wished I could thank the poet who had inspired me—but the song was so old no one even knew who had first written down its words. My thanks would have to be silent; as silent as my gift to my beloved.

VASHTI

Cassandane's wedding to Dariel took place despite the Queen Mother's objections—or possibly because of them.

“Ahasuerus, are you mad? The woman belonged to your father King Smerdis! No other man may touch her without the king's permission!” Amestris said, and Ahasuerus looked straight into his mother's eyes and said:

“I am the king, Mother, and I grant the lady Cassandane permission to marry whom she wishes.”

I think that was the first time Ahasuerus had ever defied his mother. Amestris seemed to hesitate, and then merely shrugged, as if the matter were too trivial to concern herself about. So I happily watched Cassandane married to her beloved Dariel. I put a silver casket filled with pearls into her hands as a wedding present, and Ahasuerus granted them apartments in the palace.

Amestris presented Ahasuerus with Dariel to be captain of the king's guard instead of the Queen Mother's—which I think was meant to indicate her displeasure with both of them. But I do not think either of them objected to the change.

After that, Ahasuerus unexpectedly announced that the King of Kings and Queen of Queens would spend their marriage month at the old summer palace in Ecbatana, in the high mountains. There we rode out hawking, or walked through fields full of spring flowers, or stood upon the rooftop and watched the summer stars. And there neither of us had to pay any heed to Amestris, who remained in Shushan.

At first I hoped that away from the imperial palace, things might change between Ahasuerus and me; I longed for the passion Cassandane had so lovingly described. But I swiftly realized that hope was vain; I must be content with fondness. Ahasuerus the husband, the man, eluded me.

HEGAI

With Vashti gone, I was lonely. An odd complaint, you may think, from one who barely had an hour go by without someone seeking him out. To be master of the imperial harem is no sinecure; I was the one who ensured all ran smoothly, from the smallest task to the greatest.

But even surrounded by all the slaves and servants, eunuchs and concubines, who inhabited the Women's Palace, I missed my beloved. I missed Vashti.

And I knew that when Vashti returned from Ecbatana, she would return changed. She would return as Ahasuerus's wife.

Mine only in my heart, and in my dreams.

*   *   *

Ever since I was appointed Chief Eunuch, I had made it a habit to go out into the streets of Shushan each week. I admit I took pleasure in going down the Great Staircase, gazing upon the city and the fields beyond its walls—but my true reason for doing so was to keep apace of Shushan's gossip.

That explains how I came to be standing in the market, watching a slave merchant offer his wares. That Vashti had been in Ecbatana on her marriage-month and I missed her deeply explains how I came to commit an act of arrant folly. That disaster did not follow was purest good fortune.