Game of Queens (25 page)

I helped her rise, and after we had walked around the garden twice, I unbent enough to ask what troubled her. Samamat smiled. “Hegai, I just cannot decide which of the two of you to hold under the fountain until you see sense.”

“Daniel Dream-Master,” I told her, and she raised her eyebrows.

“A swift answer. Upon what do you base that conclusion?”

“It is simple, my lady. I can be made to see sense. My lord Daniel, on the other hand—”

“Will never learn common sense. I see.” The lady Samamat paused beside a rosebush—a wayward, untamed plant, unlike the tidy rosebushes in the other palace gardens. She cupped one hand about a rose dark as blood and bent to inhale its perfume. Then she said, apparently to the small red rose, “Do you really want an answer to your question?”

I did not pretend to misunderstand. “Yes, my lady, I do.”

She sighed. “Do you know the true trap of palace life?” She looked straight into my eyes. “Sooner or later, it becomes impossible to tell the truth—even to one's self. I'm no dream-master, but even I can know that you can answer your own question … if it's not too late for you.”

As I walked back through the corridors and courtyards to my own apartments, I considered the lady Samamat's words. Was it too late for me?

Or could I still tell the truth—even if only to myself?

*   *   *

By night a
peri
danced through my dreams, her hair trailing over my skin like clouds. By day I found myself gazing upon the queen and imagining her without the royal blood that made her untouchable. No crown, no palace—only a joyous, loving creature delighting in the world and all it contained. Oh, I knew the truth, but too late, as the lady Samamat had feared.

The truth is that I love her.
I did not merely desire her lovely body; that was harmless enough. Desire faded. But love—love endured.

I love her. I love Vashti.
I could not afford love; that, too, was truth. And love could prove fatal to us both.

*   *   *

For Vashti, I created an underwater grotto. Now, the Queen's Bath glowed with a soft greenish light. Tile green as glass lined the walls, lay glass-smooth under my feet. Above me the ceiling arched; little stars had been cut into that arching sky. The sun's rays streamed through those stars, golden ribbons of light.

There were two small pools and a large one, and wide marble slabs to lie upon. Water poured down the far wall into the large pool. Watersong echoed against the green tile walls. The work took months, but when all had been done as I commanded, not a sea monster remained.

Within this tranquil world, Vashti glowed like a pearl. Simply to look upon her there delighted the eye.

And she had been delighted with my gift—although I think she enjoyed the anticipation of waiting to see her refurbished bath, and the novelty of using the bath in the Women's Palace, as much as she did the new Queen's Bath. She was still dashing about like a mongoose, examining each change and running back to fling her arms around me and kiss my cheek and tell me how enchanted she was by all she saw, when the message came from the Queen Mother.

Oddly, Amestris had sent a written message, rather than an oral one. Vashti could not stop whirling about long enough to read it. “You read it to me, Hegai. Oh, look how beautiful the sunlight is on the waterfall! What does the note say?”

“It's sealed.” What could be so private that Amestris sent a sealed written message, yet not private enough to summon Vashti to tell it face-to-face? I slid my fingernail under the Queen Mother's seal, unfolded the small sheet of papyrus.

“Well?” Vashti had stopped dancing about and clung to me, tilting her head to see what Amestris had written.

“Amestris the Queen Mother, may she live forever, sends all the proper greetings to Vashti the Queen of Queens, wife to King Ahasuerus, Lord of Half the World—”

Vashti plucked the papyrus from my hand. “Oh, never mind all that.” She began to read, and as she did her eyes widened. She stared at me, seemingly struck mute.

“My queen? What is it?” I snatched the note back, read it silently, as Vashti had. My hands trembled, and there was a great echoing in my ears. The world stopped as I fought to breathe steadily.

Since Queen Vashti has attained the age of sixteen, it is time she became King Ahasuerus's wife in body as well as in name. Chief Eunuch Hegai is to prepare Queen Vashti to go to the king's bed tonight.

We stared at each other over the Queen Mother's message. The air still clamored in my ears. “Vashti,” I began at last, and as if her name freed her to move, Vashti flung herself into my arms. I was not dead; I pulled her close to me, held her fiercely tight. After a moment, I realized she was crying.

I forced myself to loosen my grasp on her, ease her away from me. “My queen, you must not weep upon receiving such a summons.”

She nodded, her hands curled into fists, knuckles showing white. “No, of course not. I don't even know why I'm crying.”

“You cry for happiness, as women do,” I suggested.

She lifted her chin, nodded. “Yes. Yes, that must be why. That
is
why. I have waited so long for this day.” Bravely said. Only the slightest quiver in her voice betrayed her.

I longed desperately to take her into my arms again, to comfort her. I longed with equal desperation to know what Amestris knew, or guessed. Sending that message in such a fashion carried a second message, hidden, like a serpent coiled beneath a rock.

Who is the true message for? Vashti? Me? Or for us both?

So at last it would be my privilege to prepare the queen for her wedding night.
I would rather kill myself,
I thought, and heard a mocking ghost say,
“Oh, that will
really
help the woman you love.”

I drew a deep breath, and reached out and took Vashti's hands. “Come, my queen. It is time to make you even more beautiful than you are, so you may delight your husband's eyes.”

You have known for years that this night must come. If you love Vashti at all, you will make this easy for her. She is Ahasuerus's wife, after all.

Not yours.

VASHTI

I think now that the true turning point in our lives came on the night I turned sixteen. By then, I had been Ahasuerus's queen for six years, and I should have already gone to his bed. I should already be carrying his child. Girls younger than I became mothers every day. Amestris had insisted that there was no need for haste, that I was too young—but now the Seven Princes petitioned Ahasuerus, begging him to consider the welfare of the empire. The King of Kings needed an heir.

And when Ahasuerus told this to his mother, Amestris knew she could delay our coupling no longer. She called for me and told me, “This is what you need to know, when you go to your husband's bed.” Amestris gave concise, cold instructions, then dismissed me without giving me a chance to ask even one question.

Uncertain whether to be unhappy or angry, I ran to my garden, where I sat and watched my half-grown wolf cubs chase each other's tails. The thought of performing the acts Amestris had so grimly described revolted me. How horrible—

—
but it can't be.
All the love songs, all the poems—could they all be nothing but beautiful lies? I could ask Hegai—no. I did not know why, but the thought made me uncomfortable.

The wolves ran over my feet, spun around in a scrabble of paws to dash in the other direction. And my thoughts found another direction as well. I clapped my hands, and when one of my maids came to me and bowed, I smiled and told her to ask the lady Cassandane to come to me.

*   *   *

Cassandane bowed low, supple as water. “O queen, live forever. How may I serve you?”

“Oh, rise,” I said, “and come sit beside me.” When she hesitated, I patted the cushion beside me. “Sit,” I said again. “There is something I wish to ask you.”

Cautious as a wary cat, Cassandane sat as I had bidden her. Once she had done so, I offered her fruit, and sherbet, and sweet cakes, and wine, until at last Cassandane interrupted the flow of my words.

“What is it the queen wishes to ask of me?”

I began twining the fringe on my sash into tiny braids. “Cassandane, you have spent nights with a man—” I took care not to name him; any listener would think I meant Ahasuerus's father.

“Yes, O queen, I have,” Cassandane said, filling the silence. Laughter rippled beneath her respectful words.

I drew a deep breath and spoke quickly. “What is it like?”

Cassandane looked surprised. “Surely someone has instructed you?”

“Yes, of course. I know what happens. But what is it
like
?”

“Ah—that. When it is good, it is wondrous.” Cassandane's red lips curved into the same smile I had seen on images of Ishtar. “It is like fire and roses, like stars shouting joy.”

“And when it is not good?”

Cassandane smiled again. “That is something you need never worry about, Queen Vashti.”

*   *   *

Just before I went to my husband, I stood before Hegai's huge silver mirror and studied myself as carefully as if I were choosing a concubine for the king's harem. I had chosen many women for my husband's pleasure; would he now find me less desirable than they?

Reflected upon the shining metal was a tall slender figure; riding and hunting and swimming had created a thing of strength and grace out of a round, soft little girl. My skin was clear and smooth, but perhaps more sun-gilded than it should be. My hair still fell smooth as ivory silk down my back.

Perhaps I should darken it. Henna, or oak-galls
—No, that was folly. My husband knew perfectly well what color my hair was, and as for my skin, it was his own doing that had led me into the sun's light.

In any case, it was too late now to do more than look upon myself, and remember that whether or not there were a dozen lovelier women within the King's Palace, I was still the only one who was the king's wife.

*   *   *

As on the first wedding night when we were children, I was escorted with all ceremony to the king's door. As on that first night, I carried a small flame in an alabaster bowl and Hegai escorted me. I thought he looked sad; I did not know why.

“Will you wish me good fortune?” I asked him, and oddly, it took a long moment before he smiled at me. But he said, “You need no wishes from me, my queen. You have everything the world desires. What more could you need?”

For some reason his words made tears press hard against my eyes. I managed to remain dry-eyed, but I did not look at Hegai again until we reached the door to the king's room. There I did gaze up at Hegai, longing for comfort. But Hegai said only,

“O queen, may the Good God bless you. May this night bring you joy.” His voice seemed unsteady, but I was too nervous to say anything in answer.

*   *   *

As on our first wedding night, the room was darkened. But this time, small lamps lit part of the vast room, cast shadows across the floor. This time, Ahasuerus sat upon the bed waiting for me. And this time, he said nothing as I walked across his room and held out the little bowl of fire to him.

Ahasuerus took the alabaster bowl, stared into the flame. After a moment, he set the bowl carefully on a small table beside the bed. Then we stared at each other. Neither of us spoke. My face burned; for the first time, Ahasuerus's gaze embarrassed me. I wished desperately that he would make one of his careless jests.…

The silence stretched into something strange and heavy. I knew if one of us did not soon speak, the silence would endure between us forever. I clutched desperately for words, and found myself saying,

“This reminds me of our first wedding night.”

Ahasuerus stared at me, and I realized he, too, labored under the weight of awkwardness and embarrassment. We had been playfellows too long for this change to seem—right. I tried to smile, and added, “I'm sorry, Ahasuerus. But one of us had to say
something
.”

“I suppose you are right.” He shifted, clearly uneasy, then patted the bed beside him. “Come, sit by me.”

I turned and sat beside him on the broad bed. “At least this time we have been given lamps.”

“Yes.”

Again we both fell silent. I rested my hands on the bed; my left hand brushed Ahasuerus's right. A pause. Then, slowly, as if trying to catch a wary quarry, his fingers touched mine, slid over mine. It took all my strength to remain still.

“Vashti—”

“What?” I knew I should say sweet words to him, but every word I knew had fled, leaving me baffled and half-mute.

“Vashti, you know we must—it is time…”

Don't be a fool. Remember all Hegai told you. Remember the Queen Mother's advice. Remember how Cassandane smiled. Remember you are Queen Ishvari's granddaughter.
I slanted a glance at Ahasuerus, and another thought flashed into my mind.
And remember that he is at least as fearful, and must do all the work!

“Are you laughing at me?” Ahasuerus demanded, and I realized I had smiled at that last, bawdy image.

“No. No, of course not. It's only that I—well, I am so nervous! And then I thought—” Greatly daring, I leaned over and whispered into his ear the words that had brought the ill-timed smile to my face.

Or perhaps it had been a well-timed smile—for as I spoke softly into his ear, Ahasuerus turned and put his hands on my shoulders, holding me still as his mouth sought mine.

Later, far later, I would kiss another, and learn at last how a man kisses the woman he loves and desires. But that night, our true wedding night, my husband kissed me for the first time as if I were his wife, rather than his friend, or his sister. On that night, such a kiss seemed—