Geis of the Gargoyle (54 page)

A word appeared before him: FLOOR.

Hiatus stared at the word.
 
"I know it's the floor," he said.
 
"Why should I need a word to tell me that?"

Mentia's hand had shrunk back to normal size, though it still looked sore.
 
"Maybe the floor doesn't think much of your intelligence."

Irritated, Hiatus took another step.
 
His foot landed on a rug.
 
Another word appeared: RUG.

He experimented.
 
Whatever he touched evoked a word: PICTURE, WINDOW, DESK, WALL, DOOR.
 
It was really weird.
 
He tried to open the door, but it wouldn't budge.

They discovered that Mentia's motions didn't bring forth the magic words.
 
In fact she wasn't able to have any effect on this set.
 
It ignored her completely, while keeping her trapped within it, to her increasing frustration.

There was an envelope on the desk on which Pewter sat, but he couldn't get it open to leam what writing might be in it.
 
There was also a small piece of paper with some cryptic names and numbers.

There was a sound of ringing from the side.
 
Hiatus looked in that direction, and saw that the sound came from beyond the door to another room.
 
The one he couldn't open.

"Look at the ceiling," Mentia said.

He looked.
 
There were more words.
 
One of them was OPEN.
 
So he reached up and touched that word.
 
It came away in his hand.

He was getting a glimmer of a notion.
 
He carried the glowing white word to the door.
 
Sure enough, when he touched the door with it, the word faded and the door opened.
 
It showed a small chamber with a new door that seemed to lead outside, and another to another chamber.
 
But by this time the ringing had stopped.

Time passed.
 
They explored three rooms of this odd house, including the kitchen, where there was a big white food box that was cold inside and had a sandwich.
 
He ate the sandwich and returned to the second room.
 
The ringing resumed, and he saw that it was coming from some kind of device set on the wall.

"I know what that is," Mentia said.
 
"It's a Mundane phone.
 
I've heard of them.
 
They talk."

"They talk?"

"You use the loose dingus," she explained.

So he took the loose dingus, which dangled a cord which connected to the box.
 
He put it to his ear.
 
"Hi, Dug!" the dingus said.

"I'm not Dug, I'm Hiatus," he said.

"Oh.
 
Sorry.
 
Must be a wrong number."

"Dug?" Mentia said.
 
"Wasn't that the name of that Mundane youth who visited Xanth? My better half was forced to be a prospective Companion, but wasn't chosen.
 
But she never saw the Mundane side of it."

Hiatus had heard of the Game.
 
He realized this could be a source of information that might help him get out.
 
"Maybe not," he said.
 
"Maybe this is the right number but the wrong person.
 
I think I don't belong here."

"Yeah?" the voice said.
 
"Who are you?"

"I'm Hiatus.
 
Who are you?"

"I'm Edsel, Dug's best friend.
 
You say Dug's not there?"

"Edsel," Mentia said.
 
"That's one of the names on that note.
 
So this must be Dug's house."

"Not now," Hiatus said to the dingus.
 
"But maybe he'll be back soon."

"Okay," Edsel said.
 
"Tell him I called." There was a click, and then a buzzing silence.

Hiatus put the dingus back on the device on the wall.
 
At least he had learned something.

In the course of further experiment he learned that Dug's girlfriend Pia had just dumped him, so he made a deal with Edsel: Pia in exchange for Ed's motorcycle.
 
Hiatus had no idea what a motorcycle was, but the deal gave him the chance to try the game of Companions of Xanth, and he thought the game was a better place to be than this weird Mundane dream setting.
 
A flat object arrived at his door, and Mentia figured out how to put it in the computer, because she had had a bit of experience with the real game.
 
The screen formed a picture, and they stepped into that scene.

And found themselves in a cave.
 
But Grundy Golem was also there.
 
He did a double take.
 
"Hiatus! What are you doing here?"

"I'm looking for the philter."

"What are you talking about? Don't you know this is the entry for the Companions of Xanth computer game? It's not for natives." Then the golem saw Mentia.
 
"And what are you doing, Metria? You haven't been selected as a Companion yet."

"I'm not Metria," the demoness said shortly.

"Well, you look exactly like her."

"Have you heard me stumble on a stupid word?"

"No, but-"

"I'm her worser half, Mentia.
 
She did something disgusting, so I split.
 
I'm a little bit crazy."

"You don't seem crazy, either."

"That's because this setting is crazy.
 
I get perversely sane when my surroundings get crazy."

"Well, if you're Hiatus' Companion, get him off this set before a real Player comes."

Mentia became canny.
 
"Just tell us where the philter is, and we'll be gone."

Grundy shook his little head.
 
"I don't know anything about a filter.
 
What's it for?"

"Purifying water," Hiatus said.

"Then it must be out beyond the pail.
 
Look for it there."

"Where's this pail?"

"Out along the enchanted trail." The golem gestured toward a door in the cave, which was now open.

They went out, and followed the trail to Isthmus Village, in whose bay an evil censor ship was anchored.
 
The folk there were grumpy, their dialogue peppered with bleeps.
 
So they headed out into the country-and there was the pail.
 
But when Hiatus went to pick it up, it sailed into the air and flew away toward the horizon.

"What's going on here?" he demanded, feeling as irritable as the villagers.

"Oh, I remember," Mentia said.
 
"You can't accomplish anything until you get beyond the pail.
 
And you have to figure out how to do that.
 
It's one of the challenges of the game."

"So how do I get beyond it?"

"I'm not supposed to tell you that.
 
You have to figure it out for yourself."

"But I'm not playing this stupid game!" Hiatus said.
 
"I'm just trying to find the philter."

"That's right; I forgot." She looked thoughtful.
 
"Maybe I can ask the pail."

"You can talk to the pail?"

"Yes.
 
But it's an arrogant thing and won't help."

"Then why ask it anything?"

"Because I can be obnoxious, when I really try."

Hiatus didn't understand her logic, but didn't protest.
 
They walked on along the path until they caught up to the pail again.
 
Then Hiatus waited while Mentia floated up to it.

"Listen, pailface," she said.
 
"I'm a crazy demoness, and the only thing I have better to do than bug you is find the philter.
 
Since we don't know where the philter is, I think I'll just bug you forever."

"You can't bug me, you nuisance," the pail said.
 
"You can't pick me up, and your stupid-looking friend there doesn't know how to get beyond me, so ha-ha-ha in your face."

"It's not my face you'll be meeting," Mentia said.
 
"You can't move away because of me, because I'm not the Player, so you have to remain there for it." She adjusted her dress.

"For what?" the pail asked derisively.
 
"You going to kiss my pot, demoness?"

"Not exactly." She lifted her hem as she stood beside the bucket.

"You going to show me your panties? You can't freak me out, demoness, because I'm not a man."

"We shall see." She hoisted up her skirt and squatted over the pail.
 
Hiatus clapped his hands to his face, just barely in time to avoid seeing her panties.

"Hey!" the pail cried, alarmed.
 
"You can't do that!"

"I can't? I'm going to make a good effort, though." There was the sound of panties coming down.

"AEEEEE!" the pail screamed.
 
"All right, stop this asinine display.
 
I'll tell you how to find the philter."

"I don't know," she said.
 
"I think I'd rather see what it takes to fill you to overflowing."

"Enough of this crap!" the pail cried desperately.
 
"You're a demoness! The philter is a demon.
 
You know how to fetch a demon."

She paused.
 
"Why so I do," she agreed.
 
"Demons can be conjured.
 
Very well, I'll spare you my effort, reluctantly." She straightened up and let her clothing re-form around her.

Hiatus walked up to her-and immediately the pail sailed up and away.
 
That didn't matter.
 
"We can conjure the philter?" he asked.

"Yes, any demon can be conjured.
 
You just have to know its true name."

"So what's the philter's true name?"

She shrugged.
 
"I never knew the philter personally.
 
The true name is a demon's most private thing.
 
Maybe one of the other parties will have learned it."

Hiatus nodded.
 
"I think we have accomplished something.
 
Let's get out of here and rejoin the others."

She looked around.
 
"I'll be glad to.
 
How do you get out of a dream?"

He remembered that demons didn't dream, so she wouldn't know.
 
Actually he wasn't too sure himself.
 
Usually his dreams ended when he woke.
 
But how could he wake from this one? "Sometimes a dream gets scary, and the fright wakes the dreamer," he said.
 
"Since I'm the mortal here, I must be the dreamer; if I wake, we should both be out of it."

"Shall I make a face like this to frighten you?" she asked, taking her hands and stretching her face into a grotesque shape.

"No, I know who you are, so I'm not frightened."