Geli Voyante's Hot or Not (6 page)

‘I’m so sorry, Geli,’ Theo is saying
. Pay attention! ‘It’s just that Sara reminded me…’

Sara
can drop down dead for getting my lunch cancelled, cupping or no cupping.

‘…
that we have our appraisal today at one.’

It’s a good job he’s holding me up because I would be on the floor
otherwise. Now, appraisal? Ah. I might forgive her then. Sara Brenham, Theo Bones – their appraisals will certainly be close together. Mine’s next week being a “V”. Ooh! Tiggy will have hers today being a Boodles. Maybe she’ll get fired!

‘… and I want to take you
out for lunch
,’ he emphasises for some reason like there is a hidden meaning to his words that I should recognise, which snaps my attention back. ‘And give you the full attention you deserve.’

‘Right,’ I manage to mutter
weakly.

I
feel dizzy. I need to preserve my strength to keep upright because with my face still in his hands, I am finding it extremely difficult to breathe, given this unexpected, but entirely wonderful, proximity.

Theo
is having a
moment
with me – what has come over him today? First, there was his revealed love of marathons… Oh, wait. Well, first there was his lunch invitation; now this, whatever this is.

‘So,
we’ll go out for dinner instead,’ he continues.
Pay attention
,
Geli
. ‘OK, babe?’

Babe
?
Oh my God! Theo has my face cupped in his hands, he is staring into my eyes, and
he has
called me
babe.
More magically, he wants to take me out for dinner!
Dinner
! I cannot
remember
the last time a man took me out for dinner. Usually men pick me up in clubs and then… Well, we’re beyond the stage of the man in question needing to take me out for dinner because he clearly knows I’m a cheap date who he doesn’t need to waste money on to impress me into bed. I’m like a free museum – admission payment
optional
– and most of the men I seem to meet are tight-fisted cheap skates, sadly not just limited to their wallets. Their bedroom
presents
, or
lack-of
, fall also into the stingy category. Now all I can think about is the quality of Theo’s bedroom presents because I’m sure he gives them. With delicious stubble like his, it would be a sin not to.   

‘Babe?’ Theo repeats as I stare at him in drunke
n lust. I cannot control myself but I know I should – I am in a family environment, after all.

‘Yes,’ I manage to splutter out.

‘Excellent!’ Theo grins cheekily, like he knows something I don’t. ‘We’ll sort it out when I’m back from my appraisal, but I’m off to grab lunch here. Are you coming?’

I certainly hope
I’m coming tonight, I think, but I manage to shake my head; Theo has let go of it at this point.

‘Until then.’ H
e winks at me.

Slowly, and wordlessly,
I sink into my Todd chair in disbelief. That’s when Jerry notices his smashed mug on the floor as the realisation of what has just happened hits us both.

‘Fuck!’ he curses.

Fuck indeed...

‘Geli? Geli… GELI!’

I can hear a voice far off in the distance as I
sit here slumped in my Todd chair. But the room is hazy, or maybe my eyes are losing focus. Either way, the clarity of the room isn’t what it should be. Something is wrong or, should I say,
someone
is wrong. Unless I am hallucinating – possible – Theo just called me babe, looked genuinely aghast as he cancelled lunch, then deliciously invited me out for dinner. Now all I can salaciously imagine –
further
imagine if, indeed, I have just hallucinated – is how long we’ll let the
dessert
course linger. More importantly, exactly how will Theo dispose of my sizzling hot VPL underwear? Which reminds me, I should include them in Saturday’s column in case Theo rips them off me tonight. I’ve heard his tales…

I am disturbed from these tantalising thoughts by a
hefty slap across my face, which certainly has the desired effect of painfully crashing me back to reality.

‘Thanks, Jerry.’

‘I’m sorry to have slapped you, Geli, but I’m sure the red mark will fade by tonight. If not, you can use some of your girly stuff to cover it.’

I am dangerously drifting back into Theo-land at the mere mention of tonight which definitely beats Disneyland as the happiest place on the planet.
Theo has those deliciously dangerous pointy teeth that I can imagine would…  

‘Geli!’
a voice roars at me, interrupting my thoughts of rides better than the ones Disney boasts.

That
snaps me back to reality. It’s my mentor, Susie, a formidable Scottish woman and my antithesis. She is pale; I am tanned. Her hair is pixie-short; mine is bum-length. She is fiercely intelligent; I’m just me. She is fierce; I am nice. Needless to say, we rarely see eye-to-eye (she is short; I am tall) mainly because she is a hard-working she-devil and I am a lazy angel. Theo’s words, coincidentally. Mmm, Theo…
concentrate
!

As one of my pod neighbours
, Theo also suffers from Susie’s visits; it’s how he came to dub her the “Scottish she-devil”. Susie, you see, doesn’t agree with how I landed my job here, even though I am actually quite good at dictating what’s Hot or Not. I’m fair and don’t allow a personal bias and vendetta to skew my opinion, which is more than I can say for Susie’s phenomenally opinionated columns. She’s considered a legend for avoiding libel action.

‘Why aren’t you answering your phone, Geli?’ Susie asks.

She’s too calm for my liking. Without a shadow of a doubt, this is the calm before her storm as it’s a sackable offence to switch your handset to silent. Most people merely get hauled in front of the disciplinary board and get let off by citing pressure drove them to it. Saying you’re “under pressure” is the equivalent to saying that naughty c-word for
New News
. It’s
that
frowned upon. Possibly because this is a family environment and you’re not supposed to feel pressurised with your family of all people, so if you
are
under pressure, it suggests there is something wrong with the
New News
family. Human Resources do
not
like being told they are not doing their jobs properly.

‘And why did Ben just slap you?’ she continues
before I can formulate a feeble excuse.

Susie doesn’t tolerate food nicknames. It
’s strange to hear him be called Ben; even Theo remembers the majority of the time to call him Jerry.

Secretly I
’ve dubbed Susie as “jam roly poly” because a) she’s pale; b) she has red hair; and c) she’s quite plump due to not managing to shift her post-pregnancy weight – that’s what twins will do to your figure. Yikes.

‘Geli is in shock,’ Jerry pipes up nervously on my behalf.

He, too, is terrified of Susie. His input means a lot, but it’s a big mistake as gallant as his interjection is. Susie will not appreciate the news that I am in shock because Theo is taking me out for dinner.

S
he shoots Jerry a look of pure disgust that sends him sidling back to his pod, his head firmly down. ‘Well?’ she barks at me.

I know she is
dying
to get me in front of the disciplinary board as a defendant, as opposed to me being hauled up there as a witness to someone else’s calamities. She’s caught me online and on the phone to Glinda far too much recently. But inspiration hits me as I rack my brain to stop the executioner’s axe from falling. There is one person Susie hates in the
New News
building more than me.

‘So I don’t have to speak to Tiggy,’ I say
, trying to keep the smugness out of my voice – smugness because of my genius, not because of Tiggy’s engagement. 

Susie’s face instantly darkens. She
hates
Tiggy.

Back when we first joined
New News
, Tiggy made a pass at Susie’s husband at a mandatory staff party. Tiggy can cause the most dedicated married man to momentarily lose his mind in her presence. It was at the exact moment that Rohan – Susie’s husband – lost his marbles that Susie happened to walk by. Unfortunately flirting with someone else’s husband isn’t a sackable offence, but Susie has tried to get her booted out ever since.

Of course,
being the helpful person that I am, I’ve filled Susie in on Tiggy’s past despicable antics. Since then we’ve been the President and Vice President of the “We Hate Tiggy Boodles Fan Club”. Glinda is our secretary.

‘Why?’ Susie asks in a more pleasant tone.

I can tell she is hoping that this is work-related – anything to help Susie build up her case against Tiggy to get her unceremoniously removed from the family.

‘She’s engaged.’

Oh, thank goodness I went on Facebook this morning and discovered this gem. I would not fancy my chances at my appraisal next week if I have the crime of a silenced phone on my record. I know first-hand how close Susie has come to getting Tiggy out – it was only Tiggy’s stupid stepfather’s last minute intervention that saved her. I doubt anyone would save me.

Susie looks at me
, and I mean she
really
looks at me. I feel a sheen of sweat begin to trickle down my forehead. Her hand is rising upwards. Is this to drag me by the hair to HR? Am I finally going to be marched up to the formidable floor of HR minions, who somehow managed to get the highest commercial floor available in the Gherkin, putting us lowly columnists several floors below. It’s almost worth getting sent up there for the view. Wait, she’s patting me on the shoulder.

‘Take the afternoon
off, Geli,’ she says softly, leaving me and Jerry in shock as she walks away, muttering to herself.

Thank goodness
she understands the injustice of Tiggy Boodles’ engagement. Secretly, I’m now quite pleased she’s engaged. Not only has her engagement landed me the afternoon off, it has scored me extra brownie points with Susie who will now excuse my behaviour all the way up until the point Tiggy Boodles walks down the aisle.

I admit
, I am ever-so-slightly grateful that this Calvin Murphy-Lee has done me a huge favour by agreeing to marry Tiggy, even if he is an idiotic man for doing so... not to mention an idiotic man I have a tiny crush on. Although, you can never tell with photos. Meeting people in the flesh can often cause a crush to fly right out of the window…

N
ot that I need to be crushing on Calvin. Theo has dispelled my flighty feeling of fancy by asking me out, plus I now have all afternoon to prepare for tonight. Brilliant.

My brain races forward with the possibilities. M
aybe Theo will be my date for the wedding. No! Maybe
we’ll
be engaged by then – that would sicken Tiggy. She’s had her evil eye on him ever since she started here. Luckily, for the sake of my sanity, he’s one of the few men impervious to her charms and has always managed to avoid her. If that’s not proof that he is much more than a mere mortal man, I don’t know what is!

Anyway, thank you Tiggy Boodles!
I’ll swing by the Candygurl PR offices to surprise Glinda, but I should leave Theo a note telling him to phone me to arrange tonight. Oh, and I should see why Jerry has been a mean giggler all morning. Where
has
the morning gone?

Note first,
Jerry second.

Hi T. Hope the appraisal went well. Suze gave me the afternoon off... I know! Phone me to arrange dinner. Jenna from PR can sort us out any table we want under my name. Heck, we can even claim it on expenses that way – remind me to include it in my column! See you tonight – can’t wait to discuss the validity of H and O’s causes. Geli. x

There – that should suffice – and it should also serve to remind Theo that I do have interests outside of the Hot or Not arena. Not that I hope this evening’s conversation will be spent talking about the nominations; I can think of far more salacious topics to wet our appetites...

OK,
I should stop thinking about this otherwise I will be too nervous to make it tonight. Jerry, he’ll distract me, and then it’s time to flee! I don’t blame him for not helping me stand up to Susie. Susie could eat a man like Jerry for breakfast; he’s not exactly a manly man.

‘What’s up, Jerry?’ I ask him.

‘Sorry for bailing and slapping you, Geli.’ He looks around nervously, and tugs at his Mighty Mouse t-shirt. He didn’t get the stylish gay genes either. He’s pale, wears glasses – not trendy ones either – and looks a little weedy. His boyfriend Julian is the same; they look worryingly like brothers.

‘She’s gone,’ I
reassure him. ‘And it’s OK about the slapping
if
you tell me why you’ve been so mean today?’

‘Wh
y I dropped my tea, you mean?’ He looks sheepish. ‘I was just amazed Theo finally plucked up the courage to ask you out, that’s all.’

‘What do you mean?’
I am not in the mood for Jerry’s teasing.

‘Well, he’s fan
cied you since you started here.’

Is this a wind-up? I
s Jerry actually telling me that Theo – Theo who I have always thought to be too good for me – has fancied me since I started here
three years ago
? Is he really saying Theo could have been taking me out for dinner, and then some,
every single night
. Surely Jerry is not telling me this?

‘I’m serious, Geli. You don’t know what he’s like when you disappear from your pod. H
e’s always singing your praises. He secretly reads your column, too.’

This is
surely the equivalent of Jerry revealing that Theo has told Jerry he
loves me
!

I gasp
; Jerry nods.

‘He’s been agonising to ask you out for the past three years
. After the first year, I pegged him as a scaredy-cat, but when he did today, I couldn’t help dropping my tea in shock. Saying that though,’ Jerry continues thoughtfully as I take in his revelations, ‘he has become more determined to take the plunge since the end of October. Maybe I shouldn’t have been too surprised.’

‘It’s only me,’ I point out.

And, let’s face it, he’s quite the ladies’ man. Why has he been nervous, and why October? I guess I had just come back off holiday, and maybe I was looking more rested and relaxed, but Theo was seeing that mystery girl then... Why would his interest have flipped back to me?