Geli Voyante's Hot or Not (10 page)

‘Will do
. Guess we should head to that shop Philly wants you to plug.’

I nod, absorbed
in fastening up my trench.

‘Do you ever feel immoral using your column to your advantage
, Geli?’ she asks, which snaps my attention back.

‘Please,’ I scoff. ‘You did economics
Glinds. You know there’s no such thing as a free lunch. It’s tit for tat.’

She nods in
thoughtful agreement as we head back out into the weather. Thankfully it’s stopped raining, but I can’t help thinking as we head to the Tube and Glinda jabbers on about a fashion show she’s going to next week, that out in the world it really is tit for tat. Despite my promise to Glinda that I won’t intentionally tell Calvin about Tiggy unless he specifically asks me, I know one day I
will
get my revenge on her for ruining not only my life, but the lives of my family.

T
iggy’s dished out the tit to me aplenty in the past; as of yet, I’ve not returned the tat. Calvin seems the best option to settle that score, once and for all.

I should have known. No reward is
that
easy to earn. I couldn’t have expected this one to be simple. I’m amazed Glinda didn’t twig, what with her working at Candygurl PR and
knowing
exactly what fashion Candygurl PR typically represents. If I was working at
Cupcake
I could easily plug Raphael’s… though if Trouble strikes with Theo tonight, I could quite easily end up working there and thus fulfil my bargain with Philly for her releasing Glinda to me…

‘I don’t underst
and, Glinda,’ I had whispered. ‘I’m a perfect six, but this is
tiny
.’ 

‘Maybe it’s some weird vanity sizing,’ she had whispered back.

At that moment Raphael himself descended upon us. The whitest man with the greyest afro ever. Philly had obviously phoned ahead and filled him in on the air-five concept... I’m going to have to change that trend soon because he also had the pokiest rings on his fingers. I’m sure the swelling will go down. Soon.

‘D
arling Geli,’ he enthused at me before he clocked the tiny dress I was holding. ‘No, no, no,’ he yelled. His hands flapped disconcertingly close to my face. Very alarming, what with his spiky rings having already left their mark on me.

‘You are more like a twelve or a thirteen,’ he
went on to explain in his ridiculous accent as I took a step back in alarm. No one likes to be told that they are a size twelve or thirteen when they are in fact a size six. How is that vanity sizing when I’d
increased
in size?

That was when we learnt that
Raphael Von Coutter’s
is a
children’s
boutique and I was
age
twelve or thirteen, not size. I know. I was almost appalled with myself but, as Glinda rightly pointed out, children are the ones getting larger and I’m fine as I am. I have to agree with her. Obesity is Not Hot. We have a responsibility to look after ourselves and it seems quite sadistic in my view to knowingly increase the chance of disease and death from a little laziness. Another excellent column point! This afternoon turned into quite a research trip. A result since I had planned on spending it solely in preparation for tonight. I love it when that happens.

A
mazingly, I did find a gorgeous dress there – aged thirteen – to wear. The dress is a deep lush purple, tee style at the top with a ra-ra effect to the hem. Hundreds of delicate shimmery beads adorn the tee half – hand-stitched Raphael assured me – with torn mesh sticking out at all angles from underneath the ra-ra skirt. It isn’t the usual sexy outfit I’d go for – this is probably a good thing seeing as the dress is from a children’s boutique – but it’s eye-grabbing. This is probably quite the innocent party frock on a child; on me it barely covers my bum. Oops.

Potential flashing aside,
I’m ridiculously pleased the shopping went well, especially because we got to head straight home. I was frozen out in the elements and will no doubt get hyperthermia from tonight. If I put thermals on under my dress, I’m guaranteed to get lucky with Theo… I’ll take my chances with freezing to death because I don’t think Theo would be impervious to their “charm”
à
la Daniel Cleaver.

Speaking of Theo,
I need to phone him to see where I’ll be exhibiting said dress. I also need to talk to Jerry, Sara, Claire
and
Mum. I usually hate the blasted thing, but I’m curious to hear Claire’s take on Tiggy’s engagement as she actually gets on with her. I sometimes wonder how we can be related. Mum will be on my side though. We are both staunch campaigners against the Boodles. Honestly, it’s justifiable. 

‘What are you thinking about?’ Glinda asks,
interrupting my venomous Boodles thoughts as she enters our living room. It’s one of my favourite rooms in the flat, filled with squishy sofas and with bright, cheerful artwork of London, Leeds and Durban on the walls.

‘Tiggy,’ I admit.

‘You should speak to Claire. See if she’s also a bridesmaid,’ Glinda says as she plonks down next to me on the sofa and snatches a cushion away from me. I’d built myself a little fortress.

‘Yeah,’ I mutter.

‘You don’t think she’ll really expect me to be one, do you?’

‘You know how warped she is,’ I darkly reply.

‘I can’t afford a trip to South Africa for the likes of her wedding,’ she protests.

‘I wish I had that excuse.’

I know if Tiggy wants me there and wants me to be a bridesmaid, I will be there. I won’t be able to escape the horror. Not unless I pile on three stone, dye my hair red, get a perm, lose all sense of style and move to California after obtaining a false identity. Theo has assured me previously it’s easy to switch who you are – it came up in one of his columns when they were talking about introducing biometric ID cards in the UK and I recall he informed me there’s a whole underground scene of identity liars out there. I missed the finer details however as I recall I’d suffered a break-up the previous night – a break-up by my standards anyway – and I mostly let Theo’s yummy accent wash over me that morning to perk me up.

Speaking of which,
I’ll probably spend the rest of my days at work forever more in a funk when Theo regains his marbles and breaks my heart. Even if I’m working from the
Cupcake
or
Yummy Mummy
offices, Theo will still be in the Gherkin with me. I will feel the pain everyday and life will really become a same old, same old day stuck on repeat like today
hasn’t
been. It will be a same old, same old day in a horrible, twisted way. Guess I’d better phone Theo to sort out the venue that will set me on this path of ruin, yet my tummy is tingling from thinking about tonight, despite the ramifications that this liaison will lead to. I’m a big mess, aren’t I?

‘I
’d better phone Theo,’ I sigh.

All I can hear is the drum of dread, but Glinda
squeals on my behalf.

‘I’ll make you a cup of tea,’ she says
, scampering off to the kitchen. ‘Be brave little one!’ she calls back as I dial.    

‘Theodore Bones.’

Hot. My tummy flips one-eighty in response. He sounds so authoritative and
powerful
with his Scando-twang.

‘It’s Geli,’ I manage to chirp out.
I may be dying on the inside, but I will not let it show in my voice. I’m glad he can’t see me. I’m so nervous that I’m actually shaking. Get a grip, Geli!

‘Geli,’ he enthuses. ‘Lucky you, a
fternoon off! How did you manage that one?’

‘Oh, I told S
usie about Tiggy’s engagement.’

I can’t help but smile
as I recall the look on Tiggy’s face when I told her Theo was taking me out, even if the idea of her being engaged filled me with revolt.

‘Theo?’
It has gone strangely silent on the phone. ‘Theo?’ I repeat.

‘I’m here Geli,’ he
says finally.   

‘O
h, phew! I thought I’d lost you.’

I bloody hope not – not before I’ve had him!

‘No, no,’ he laughs. ‘I’m here. I just got lost in thought about what exactly you’ll be wearing tonight,
underneath
your dress.’

‘Theo!’ I can’t help but exclaim
this because
he’s at
work
, but then I hear a horrible voice. No wonder there was silence from him, but I’m glad Theo threw in a dirty line. That will show her.

‘Let me talk to Gel
i, please,’ I hear.

I nearly drop my phone in shock – not because it’s Tiggy’s voice
, but because Tiggy has just called me
Geli
for what must be the first time in eight years. More importantly though, now I think about it, what is Tiggy doing by our pods? Maybe she’s sneaking around trying to find my Hot or Not column notes for this week so she can rip it off – whatever it is, she’s stepping up her torture games by visiting my pod, unaware that I left the building for the day and not just for lunch. 

‘Don’t
put her on,’ I hiss. ‘Call me back when she’s gone and, if she won’t go, pour water on her. With any luck, she might melt.’

‘Will do
, babe.’

I can hear the sound of Tiggy protesting in the background as he rings off. Bloody Tiggy.

‘She’s gone,’ Theo says when he phones back a few minutes later.

‘What did
she
want?’ I ask as Glinda enters with a steaming hot cup of tea in my favourite She-Ra mug. There’s no fancy china in this household with how klutzy we both are.

‘Her appraisal was the one directly after mine
. She invited herself over for a talk.’ I can imagine him rolling his eyes at this. Ah yes: Bones, Boodles. ‘Parasite,’ he adds.

He has the measure of her brilliantly. ‘How
did your appraisal go?’

‘I got a rise.’

‘Excellent! Dinner’s on you then?’ I ask cheekily. Glinda gives me the thumbs up.

‘Of course,’ he answers. ‘I am a
gentleman
.’ I shiver inwardly at this – I hope he won’t be too gentle with me tonight.

He
continues, oblivious to my approval at his words. ‘I booked The Ledbury at eight.’

‘M
y underwear is from Ledbury Road,’ I can’t help but mention, such is the nature of my thoughts. My dress is also from Ledbury Road, now I recall – a sure sign Theo and I are soul mates with such synchronisation. Maybe this
will
work.

‘Can’t wait
,’ he growls at me. I know Jerry will be listening and I can picture him rubbing his hands in glee. I’m taking one for the team tonight because Theo is wanted by all.

‘Me neither,’ I admit rather than tease him back. I’ve waited too long to be playing games now.

‘See you at eight, babe.’

‘Bye Theo,’ I trill back.

I have a huge smile on my face. I hope Theo has, and I
definitely
know Jerry will have a smirk,
if
he’s off the phone yet from Steven. Poor Jerry. He’s probably despairing the twelfth of December, but it will go down in my history as the best day
and
night of my life... hopefully. Still, even if the aftermath is messy, the night will be a bittersweet memory.

‘
Ledbury Road?’ Glinda queries. ‘
The
Ledbury?’ 

‘Yep.’

She wrinkles her nose at that. ‘Don’t you get tired of fine dining, Geli?’

‘Sometimes.
’

It’s true as well. Sometimes
when I’ve been taken to London’s top restaurants on dates, all I’ve fancied is a T.G.I. Friday’s. Heck, sometimes even a KFC.

However, Theo has chosen
The Ledbury which I declared to be Hot back in 2006 before anyone else did (and declared it by
months)
; now Theo has chosen there, I love The Ledbury once again. Perhaps we could call our first child Ledbury? Ledbury Bones. Ledbury Voyante-Bones. Would that be cruel?