Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (18 page)

A ten-year-old boy was referred to me for counseling by the school psychologist for being defiant and oppositional. We worked for almost a year together before he trusted me with a very difficult story about the times he kicked his dog. He felt such intense shame and remorse that it affected his life and he believed himself to be a “bad seed.” He vowed he would never do it again, but he couldn't stop himself. He felt angry, but he didn't know why. He didn't know why he did it—it was a strong uncontrollable urge. He put his head on the table and cried. He was inconsolable.

His mother had used shame to get him to mind. She pointed her left index finger at him and rubbed her right index finger over it and mockingly said, “Shame on you!” whenever he messed up. She poked fun and called him wimpy when he cried. She criticized him in front of others, and when he wet the bed, she told his sister, “Look at the big baby.”

Lest you think the mother was a bad person, I want you to know that she was not. As a child, she was not only shamed herself, she was beaten. She desperately wanted to stop the legacy of abuse that she'd lived under, so she never once beat her son. She loved him, wanted the best for him, but it wasn't until she reached out and came for counseling that she understood the legacy of shame that she and her son lived under.

I worked with this family for three years, and the results renewed my faith in grace, redemption, and the beautiful spirit that lies within us all. Mother and son learned the effect of their shaming words and stopped using them. When she had a complaint with him, she took him aside and spoke with him respectfully. The mother started noticing when her son
was doing something right, and she gave him recognition for it. She admired his determination and she told him so.

With his mother's admiration behind him, instead of mouthing off, arguing, and defying her, the boy learned more effective ways to fight for his rights. Instead of trying to prove people wrong, he learned how to treat people fairly. At age fourteen, the son was awarded a plaque at school assembly for being the student who had made the most improvement. This boy who once had no friends was given a standing ovation by the student body.

As this story illustrates, it is never too late to change. It is never too late to learn a new behavior, to find a way to help your child. No matter what you're situation is, you can make it better.

Shame causes a child to hate himself. When a child hates himself, he becomes very angry and lashes out in violent ways.

Eleven-year-old Jade walked into the kitchen and announced, “I'm in a bad mood today!” and grabbed the cereal box out of her brother's hands. “It's OK to be in a bad mood, but it's not OK to take it out on us,” her father firmly reminded her.

While I advocate treating your child kindly, I also advocate putting your foot down when necessary to let your child know that you're the parent. I advocate firmness and kindness. All children test their parents, and that's perfectly normal. It's part of the process of growing up. Likewise, every parent knows that while you can overlook many behaviors and moods, there are times when you have to put your foot down and reestablish your parental authority.

Carter is a freckled-faced, blonde, mouthy little kid. He is curious, cute, and smart. He rules his parents and runs circles around his teachers. When his parents try to punish him, he has temper tantrums that last for hours. One night after three hours of battling failed to get Carter to complete his fifteen minutes of homework, the father gave up and called the police. The police came to the house and gave Carter a lecture, and he calmed right down. But as soon as the police left Carter was screaming obscenities.

The second time I saw Carter in my office he started banging his legs against the wall. He looked at me as if testing me to see what I would do. The parents looked to see what I would do. I looked directly at Carter and said, “Knock it off!” and he did immediately. I'd established my authority and he responded to it. Now his parents had to reclaim their authority. They had to deal directly with their child because it was ridiculous to call in the militia every night to get an eight-year-old to do his homework.

A child must live by your rules. Your rules need to be flexible enough to allow for individual needs, developmental levels, learning curves, bad times, and the child's progress. Taking all that into consideration, a child who refuses day after day, night after night to abide by common decency needs you to step in and reestablish who's boss.

You do that by using the leverage you have. To reestablish their authority, Carter's parents had to take away all his perks. That meant no computer, TV, root beer floats, Game Boy, or allowance. If he didn't go by the rules, his life was going to be miserable. The parents continued to do this until Carter got the idea, stopped with the tantrums, and started
doing his homework.

You are the boss, the parent, the chairman of the board. Don't flaunt it, but don't ever forget it.

When your child is out of control and running the show, you need to reestablish your parental authority by putting your foot down.

When I see kids in my office who are angry and upset, I invite them to talk with me about it. “You seem upset today,” I say, and then I pause, giving them time to respond. Some kids are quite verbal and begin recounting all the details about what's bothering them. Others nod and struggle to find the words. But regardless of how they begin and regardless of their age—whether they're eight or eighteen—there's a similar theme in what they express. Amidst their individual concerns is the viewpoint that “my parents don't believe me,” or “they're too busy to listen to what I'm saying,” or “my parents don't care,” or “my parents don't know who I am.” “My parents don't listen” is their number one complaint.

Fifteen-year-old Allison complained, “My mom grounded me for one whole month for coming home forty-five minutes late.”

“You're very upset,” I said.

“Now I don't get to go to the ninth grade dance,” she answered.

“You're disappointed,” I said.

“My mother gives into my brother, but not to me. She grounded Sean,” Allison explained, “but he still got to go to his football games and the awards banquet.”

“Oh,” I said.

“Mom says my situation is different,” replied Allison, “but she always gives into to Sean. He's her favorite.”

“Have you considered talking to her about this?” I asked.

“She won't listen,” Allison said.

Allison wants her mother's attention and goes to great lengths to get it. She's dyed her hair purple, which her mother hates, and cut holes in her brand new jeans. She sneaks out at night, she slides by at school. She's mouthy one minute—“Whatever,” she smirks—and then she cooperates the next—“I take off my shoes just like Mom wants me to whenever I walk on her carpet.”

“Your daughter is trying to tell you something,” I tell the mom. She shrugs and says, “Allison has always thought I like Sean best, but it's just not true.” Allison and Mom are defensive, locked in a “Yes, you do; No, I don't” debate.

Painful and angry feelings are wrapped up with complaints. If you're finding it difficult to listen to your child's complaints, perhaps it's because it's hard to listen to the pain your child is feeling. Or perhaps you think that
the pain means that you are a bad parent. All parent-child relationships have difficulties; the successful ones deal with the pain and anger.

When parents jump in quickly to defend themselves, explain, or fix the problem, they end up not only dismissing the complaint, but also the anger and hurt that comes with it. You miss the opportunity to address the real issues; the conclusion that your child frequently comes to is that “my parents don't listen,” or “my parents don't care.” Complaints that aren't heard don't go away, they grow larger and are often acted out in more harmful ways.

When your child is behaving in ways that you don't understand, it usually means he is trying to get your attention, to tell you something. Listening to your child's complaints requires maturity on your part because some of the criticism may be about you. Even it the criticism is irrational, you have to hear your child out in order to get to the bottom of what's troubling her. A child who is ignored either buries her concerns or turns to someone else.

Welcome your child's complaints and solve them together. Tell him, “Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I'm glad we can negotiate.”

Nothing diffuses a child's anger better than an understanding parent. Anger loses its sharp edges when you simply accept it. Your understanding forms a basis for the child's learning how to express anger; it frees the child to share what happened and how he felt. Without someone to understand, a child is overwhelmed by her feelings, with no idea how to figure out what's bothering her. Lisa told her eight-year-old son, “Whenever you're feeling angry, come to me and I will stop whatever I'm doing to listen to your concerns. I will help you plan what you can do so that you won't stay mad.”

Every child is entitled to be angry, and every child needs good guidance to learn how to deal with anger effectively. By respectfully responding to your child's angry feelings, you're paving the way for the instruction that you may need to give and for the limits that you'll need to set.

A child caught up in all those angry feelings is not thinking clearly; he's mad and showing it. What he needs from you is attentive understanding, recognizing what is going on inside him at the particular moment. Let your child know that you're on her side by saying something like, “Wow! You sound angry,” or “You must be disappointed that you didn't make the team,” or “That must be frustrating for you.” Statements of understanding such as, “I see,” “What happened next?” “You must have been upset,” invite continued conversation, which then paves the way for problem solving.

Fourteen-year-old Lauren says, “My mother likes my sister Allie best.” Lora rebuts, “Now Lauren that's not true; Allie gets away with more because she's younger than you,” which leads to more arguing between them. When Mom stopped defending and said, “Help me understand what you mean,” the tension dissolved between them.

When your child believes that you understand what he is mad about, his anger dissolves and he feels less alone. Letting her know that her feelings are acceptable calms her frustrations.

Statements of understanding always come before giving advice, asking questions, or setting limits.