Getting Over Getting Mad: Positive Ways to Manage Anger in Your Most Important Relationships (20 page)

I like the outdoor game of Kick the Can as an anger-reducing exercise; it's better than computer games for soothing anger. Computer games heighten arousal, making anger control problems worse. Team sports have their place, but in some cases the pressure of competition leads to more frustration and aggression. When you're mad, kicking a can around outside can reconnect you to your spirit.

Understanding + Physical Activity + Coaching = Anger Mastery.

If you've ever pounded a nail or used a hammer, you know the thrill of accomplishment that comes with funneling anger and energy into a creative building project. After experiencing a business failure, a neighbor of mine built an entire addition onto his house with the help of his eleven-year-old daughter. Hammering nails is a constructive way to handle anger and disappointment.

The thrill of accomplishment that comes with venting anger in productive ways is more satisfying than the low that comes with seeking revenge. Beating up on your pillow may bring momentary relief, but when you're done, except for the feathers flying, you don't have anything to show for all that commotion. Tearing the pages from a telephone book is better than taking your animosities out on each other, but I'm not sure that any good lessons come from even minor destruction.

Physical releases of anger are best when channeled into creative outlets. My client, Juliet, a mother of two, designed and built a deck onto her little cottage after her husband left. Her twelve-year-old daughter and sixteen-year-old son were very angry at their father too, but since Juliet didn't want to reinforce the hatred they were all feeling, “I bit my tongue and built the deck,” she said. “It's my policy that if I can't say anything nice, I do something constructive.” All summer the kids watched as Juliet sawed, hammered, and step by step built the deck. By the time the deck was complete, Juliet said, “I was still hurt, but I wasn't so mad anymore. I'm worn out but proud of how well we're all moving on.”

Instead of saying, “Don't get mad,” say, “Let's do something constructive.” And then give the kids a hammer or some paintbrushes. Build a birdhouse, paint the bedroom, build a fence.

A healthy antidote for anger is a creative project done together.

Painting a mad picture is a creative way to help children think over what they're feeling. This works wonders for small children who don't have the skills to verbalize what's going on and for anyone who has been taught that expressing anger is some kind of sin. Sometimes you can put it on paper better than you can say it.

Make sure you have a large box of color crayons on hand. And when you or your child is frustrated, just start drawing or scribbling away. Don't plan it out; just let your unconscious do the work. It's almost like dreaming. After you're done you can look at your pictures and see what you've come up with.

Mad pictures sometimes look scary, but don't worry. It's just your unconscious mind ridding itself of the demons that have been haunting you. Scribbling in a journal helps relieves stress too. Writing or drawing about a stressful experience reduces tensions and fears.

Kate, the mother, and thirteen-year-old Lyndsey were locked in a name-calling battle. “I'm so mad at my mom I won't ever do what she wants again,” Lyndsey told me. “I'm so mad at her she can go live with her dad,” Kate said. I tried to help them talk about it, but when it was clear that wouldn't work, I asked them to draw how mad they were, then talk about the pictures. Lyndsey drew a red-faced monster and said, “That's Mom!” Kate drew a monster too and said, “No! That's you!” They laughed and agreed that they were both like monsters when they're mad.

Drawing mad pictures together works because children are longing for their parents' undivided attention. I know that this seems impossible for many parents who are already overwhelmed. But kids tell me they want more time to hang out with their parents. Teens tell me, “I wish my parents would listen more.”

In any stressful situation, ask yourself,

What does my child need?

What is he trying to tell me?

If I were this child, how would I want to be treated?

Is he hungry?

Does he need something to drink, unwinding time, do-nothing time, time to relax, or sleep?

Is he bored?

Does he need an activity, a hobby, a sport?

Does he need attention, acknowledgment, and praise?

Does he need a routine, consistency, and limits?

Does he need a hug, individual attention?

Does he need some good listening or comforting?

Does he need help solving a problem?

Does he need freedom?

Does he need to feel safe?

Does he need a dose of laughter?

Draw pictures together to help your child express anger in a healthy way.

If your child is a bully, it's because he's trying to make himself feel better; if he's being bullied, he needs to learn how to handle the bullies. A bully uses his anger to hurt others; the kid who copes with the bully uses anger effectively to empower himself.

My friend Bob told me this story: “My most positive experience was at age thirteen when I got mad and completely lost my temper. After years of being bullied in school, I used all my anger and energy to settle the matter once and for all. I beat up and threw the person who was making my life miserable down a flight of stairs. Life became quite nice for me after that, but I don't think this is something you would want to talk about in your book.” Well, sometimes you do what you have to do.

There are always bullies around, and your kids will have to deal with them. They'll need backup and training from you to do that. The first step is to help your child understand the bully mentality. Bullies take pleasure out of making someone else feel inferior.

The best approach is, Give a bully as little ammunition as possible. It's best not to talk back because a bully is usually better with put-downs and smart remarks. Your child may have already tried the “avoid the bully” tactic and may need other strategies as well. Your role is to coach your child as she develops the inner strength to resolve her conflicts.

The kid's in Michelle's neighborhood treated her badly. Michelle's mother said, “Those kids are brats,” which really wasn't helpful. That only perpetuated Michelle's lack of confidence and didn't give her any useful tactics. Michelle decided that karate might do the trick. She never used it on the bullies in her neighborhood, but she felt empowered. It gave her a boost in confidence.

Whenever you witness a child being picked on or bullied, you as the adult must not allow it. You must investigate the incident, find the cause, and enforce a solution that satisfies both parties.

Most children who hit, yank, and punch other children have been hit and spanked at home. All little bullies have been beaten on by a big parental bully.

Telling your child that she can come to you if she ever needs help is a good message, but it's not enough. To become proficient in any skill, including anger management, a child needs a daily dose of coaching. Twelve-year-old Nick got into a bloody fistfight with another boy during the school lunch break. His parents were called for a conference. Both boys were brought in and told that if they hit each other again they'd be suspended. The principal said that in the future, rather than fighting it out, the boys should come to the office to talk it out.

The parents agreed with the plan, but wisely they took it one step further. Joe told his son Nick, “I'll check with you tomorrow to see how your day goes,” and he did. In fact he checked back with Nick at the end of every school day for the next four months. “How did things go at school today?” he asked, or he'd say, “What's up?” Joe listened carefully to find out what Nick was having trouble handling. He coached Nick on anger management, and then like a good coach he stepped back and let Nick handle it. “If you need me to step in I will, but I think you can handle it. It's OK to get angry, but if you hit each other you'll get kicked out of school. Getting kicked out of school is not acceptable to me. Other solutions are better.”

Anger management coaching is not the same as lecturing. Good coaching is developing a game plan with the player, making sure that the rules are being followed, allowing for errors, and plenty of pep talks. Good coaching is not a one-time effort; it's daily or weekly involvement that allows for the change of bad habits and for gaining capability. By the time Joe was through coaching, Nick incorporated the game plan so well that he memorized it.

Here's the game plan:

1. Stop and chill: When you're mad about something, stop! Chill out. Take a walk, get a drink of water, and cool down. Don't be a fool; act cool!
   
2. Think smart: Think. Think. Think! What's the smart thing to do? Don't be dumb; be smart. Don't do something stupid. If you're going to do something—do something smart.
   
3. Talk it out: Can you talk to the person you're angry with? Can you talk it over with someone else? When you talk directly to the other person, it works best to say, “Can we talk?” then begin with, “Can we work this out?” Listen carefully to what the other person says.
   Maybe you can find a solution. If you can't talk about it to the other party, talk to someone else.
   

Walking away, cooling down, and talking is not being a “chicken”; it's a strategic action.

Instead of leaving kids to “fight it out,” we need to teach them to “talk it out.”